how stupid i was
to honestly believe
you loved me.

You have to continue on
Even though you have lost a loved one
Remember the good times you had with your mother
She taught you how to be strong
She is still there to guide you
You can hear her voice in the back of your mind
Her love was unconditional
She has given you the vision to be loving and kind

.
As his words flow like honey onto the page
with a nod of approval from a linguistic sage.
Long gone are the days when a woman's plays
would look at the poet with a romantic gaze.

His sad verse no longer makes her cry,
his love poems fail to lift her heart to fly.
Her attention wanders like a lonely voice
away from sanctuary, towards more choice.

And as his pen drifts across a blank page
he remembers the ladies, being centre stage,
the looks of adoration in a beautiful face,
deep pools of experience for his art to embrace.

Melancholic he dips his pen again and tries,
imagination musing her gorgeous brown eyes.
But the words won't flow, so defeated he cries,
arranging a poets tears into convenient lies.


© Pagan Paul (2017)

.

I retract like a mollusk receding into it’s shell.
I think of the way I could simply just tilt my head back out of the passenger seat window
he drove,
moving through songs that meant the same to us.
I tickle the sand between my toes
slowly into the water while it wades around my knees,
how I could wrap my hands around his neck
just stand there while the world moved around us.

I find the trajectory of the mania, the nights where I just tried to lay as still as possible, not breathing too heavy or looking him in the eyes. How triggering it could have become if I would have
crossed my arms, sat up, or spoke.

I think of how the smoke enveloped most of our time together
blurring our vision
clouding our minds
viscerally
I didn’t need to see much further than his skin
I didn’t need to look over his shoulder
Just closed my eyes and soaked it all in.

I don't want you to know,
The things that changed,
For me, one dark rainy night.

The sky fell at my feet,
And the stars cut through me,
Like police sirens, through the calm of night.

And I walked, and I ran,
Out of sight, out of breath,
Till no one could see, my plight.

And I found myself on,
The corner of 12th,
Where you had last been in my sight.

I was meant to get,
You here to this time,
And it is here that you take flight.

And I'll watch as you fly,
Till your hair touches sky,
Till your eyes are blinded bright.

Fly away, love, far away,
To where you can't see the pieces,
Of where I broke that night.

Fly away, love, far away,
I don't want you to know,
What happened one dark rainy night.

I reacted in tears and beer
Because all I feel is complete fear
Life without you
Is a life so near
Words I never wanted to hear
I haven't drank tonight
I've felt each drop
Each tear
Filled to the top
Please say you see my messages
Please say you know what I mean
I really hope you aren't laughing
At how I'm feeling
I bet your drinking
Smoking till you can breath
The skin tears off my fingers
My sisters asleep
I'm stuck here
Unable to weep
Maybe you where right
Maybe we need this space
But fuck
I hate being stuck at this place
One more drive
One more day
Before we figure out
If we wish to stay.

Fears

I don't exist
I feel like nothing but mist
Even at work
They look right through me
I'm not a mystery
I want to love
I want to care
But how do I dare?
I keep messing everything up
I'm nothing but destruction
In the eyes of the people I love
I miss you
Please tell me
You miss me too.

Help me.

The sheets are sand paper on my skin
What hell it is: so many memories to lie in

Little have I ever known,
that love is like an ocean
wave. It comes and goes,
but the sand it takes away
still remains.

You can always make it up
again, but it's never quite
the same. It's better to have
loved and kept, than ever to
have lost at all.

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