making my way past
the hurt and the skeleton
remains,

desperately wanting to
let go of this pain.

watching the sun
rise as the ghost
hide in the shadows,

reappear at dusk,
haunting me again.

I know that heartbreak
is just another memory,

and I’m trying not to
give up now.

I want someone to give
me a chance, and finally

break free from this chain,
that I can’t free myself from.

Did I **** myself for you
Just to lose you once again
Did I become a different person
Once I pushed you to the edge

This was not what I expected
When I told you I was spent
When I gave you everything I had
To where there was nothing even left

You abandoned all I was
But this isn't what I meant
When I whispered in your ears
To ask if this was the end

If there was something I could do
Some way to make amends
Because you were my everything
And I loved you as my friend

I mean

When the puzzle pieces fell everywhere
We would pick them up again
Place them all back together
Until we reached the very end

We pushed through the hardest times
Just so that we could get ahead
When we were fighting our depression
We'd be supportive amidst our distress

We played all our weird retro games
Just to see how far we'd get
Maybe beat our latest score
And then do our little dance

We raced to see who was faster
Until we'd both run out of breath
We'd make all these little promises
For things that hadn't even happened yet

But as time went on
We began to forget
Who we were and what made us fall in love

In the first place.

Lately, I feel
Out of it these
Days

Life seems to
Drag me down
And I know

In the end,
I’ll be fine.

I remember those
Winter days,

Nearly ten years ago,
When we met in a haze.

Lust turned to love,
And over the years,
we burned out,

Just like the flickering of
The flames in a silent film,

Never making a sound.

Now I live with
The memories,
That plague my mind,

Playing track-by-track,
Just like a CD, singing

The good and the bad times.

I look around
The corner

Between St. Louis
And the town that
I live in,

Remembering how I
Used to drive past

The city lights,
Months after the crash.

I remember how it
Haunted me,
Every single time.

Now I’m stuck
In an endless cycle,
Far from fine.

It seems life
Likes to drag
me down,

Just like the
Memories that plague
My mind.

I’m doing everything
I can to be more than
Fine.

I want to trade my days
Away for
Something better.

I want to let go
Of the light
So I can repair,

Falling in the
Black, desolate,
Void and

Stuck in this
Never-ending
Fixation on
Despair.

I wish I didn’t care,

But a part of me
That died left the
Feeling that lingers on,

And now I’m numb
and in disrepair.

With every new perspective,
I wish that I didn’t let the past
Pull me in every direction.

I know there’s no reason to
Focus on the matters

But all I see is old reflections.

Hearts drift away,
And I remember
Just like it was yesterday.

Memories are never
Gone, but sparks
Get crossed, and now I’m
dead and gone.

I wish I didn’t care.
I wish I could repair.

But right now,
I’m feeling numb,
And in disrepair.

i’ve lost three people in the past year
two friends and a relative—
one i’d known my whole life
one i couldn’t say i was truly close to
and one i’d counted on having the rest of my life getting to know more

none of these times was i next to them during their last moments
one of them we hadn’t even realized was getting close to it
the other two, well,
you can never fault one for hoping for a miracle, right?

after every loss, life went on
and a bit cruelly at that

there was neither violence, rage
nor stillness, sorrow
in the skies, in the soil
the cars just as loud, the sun just as scalding
if not startlingly offensive in its clarity

did their passing not deserve any recognition from the universe?

life went on, and so
i would walk home from work every day
and pass newly repaired streets
and quietly carry the fury of two galaxies and some
i’d spot cracks in the concrete
and fight myself from dropping to my knees
and, by hand,
claw my way through mantle, through core
into whatever had dragged them—
my two friends and my one relative—
back into the earth
dragged them away from me
all too soon
far too soon

maybe then,
the world can stop for a moment
perhaps even offer a small mercy
of exploding into the cosmos
just enough for me to reach into the center
just enough to graze their hands one last time
to apologize, to forgive
to bid goodbye, good night

i’ll miss you
and you
and you

i wish we had more time
i wish we never had to run out of it

Maybe the ocean whispers things into our ears
and it eats through all the filling in our heads
cements itself in that one place we were keeping secret
and the visions of the truths we wanted replace themselves
with hollow melodies and salty foam.

Like shattered pieces
On the floor,

I lay broken
and pulled apart,

Mirrored reflections,
Beckon patterns of
Being alone.

Like the
Patterns in the static,

Turning into
A bad lullaby,

Let the flames
In this hell
Take me out
So I

Burn out,
Brighter than
The sun.

If this was an
Ending,

I hope I find
My peace tonight.

Because
Fractured pieces
Can't heal

If the deal is
Signed by fate,
sealed, and sent
Away

Just like the
Letters to a
Love lost.

Hypnotized and,
Captivated by the
Love that led
To a blindness.

The images,
Encompassed
By the once
Warming glow

Lay buried, just
Like a love lost,
So cold.

Once untangled,
Estranged souls

A bond formed,
And we became
entangled by

Love, loss, and regrets.

And it all took
A toll.

Never able
To save ourselves,

We went deeper
In our thoughts

And we ended up,
Digging so far,

That both of us,
Eventually fell
Apart.

Like letters to
A loved one,
That used to
Have the heart

You wrote to me,
And I wrote to you
With a heavy heart.

Once hypnotized
And captivated by the
Love that led
To a blindness.

I sit here in silence,
Surrounded by a deep,
dark sadness

Still wondering why,
I still haven’t gotten
Over all this madness.