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Roselyn 1d
you were eight weeks old
a small thing
but our hands were smaller
still, you fit there
held as though you were meant to break
maybe someday, but not today.

today, you made love into a character trait
it curled into our chests and settled there, somewhere
and the weight of it has grown
for i have not room to breathe
it has not left.

now, there is nothing left of you
save for blurred images
blurry eyes, salt water drops rippling in an ocean—

i used to take you there.
there, you would greet everyone new
like they existed just to learn your name
there, a child said hello to you for the first time
fifteen years later, you said it back for the last.

and i could not help but to think
if you had died eleven days later
you would have seen the flowers bloom.
September 5 2006 - May 11 2022
My brain is officially broken. I can’t remember any day for the past month off the top of my head. I feel like an echoing shell of a person.
If I could tell you that everything could end right now, what would you do? If I escape this night and never come back, would you hate me for the short notice?

If I could just disappear into thin air, would you die trying to find me, or would you move on with the next season? Would you ever understand the depths of my love if I left you an envelope to tell you why I was leaving? To these questions, I can never really seem to find the answer but I hope that when this reaches you, my soul can rest at peace. For so long, in my life I have always been fascinated by the miniscule things that the people that cared for me the most became smaller in every way. Like tiny little objects you lay out on the patio. I was fortunate enough to have you in my life, but if I lose you I would never be able to forgive myself. So please, if you do not find me, don't mourn my loss. Celebrate the time we had and the moments we spent together. Open up a charity or two in my name. the answers that I could never find in my life, you have to find them for me. Please continue to look after the dogs and our children. Let them do, whatever they want in their life. Let them be free because in them, you will see me, and our love will keep on living.
Deep 5d
Defeat, my defeat,
I accept your jest and joy
like a sportsperson,

I accept it with applause,
with handshake,
But
your mocking smile won't last
My droughty days will receive rain,

Defeat, my defeat,
The game between me and you
is reaching the last hour.
sofolo Sep 25
I stood over the sink
Scrubbing our negroni glasses
Wishing the ginger-scented soap
Would wash away the cancer
Because the chemo didn’t work

I was wearing eyeliner
When I first met you
We’d laugh about that later
Over a bottle of wine
And patatas bravas

We always had our weekends
Movie dates and inside jokes
We would guffaw at the
Fuckery of it all
My god your laugh
How it filled a room

I remember when you said
“I love you, Christopher…
because you just GET ME”
You expressed appreciation
For how I carved out time
For our friendship

I reminded you,
“I don’t carve out time for you,
I shove everything away while
screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’”

*******.
I need my Heidi time

For years you were
The most consistent thing in my life
Always there for one another
We were each other’s touchstones
I realize this now more than ever
During my weekends spent alone

Wine tastes different now
Something’s missing
Going to the movies feels strange
It’s like the hero has
Left the frame

Remember when I smoked cigarettes?
You’d *** a drag as we crept
Through early evening traffic
On our way to get gelato
Or if we were feeling sassy
Maybe an affogato

I switched to vaping
When you went into hospice
Then back to menthols
When your spirit left this world

I’m addicted to our memories
More than the nicotine
They bang around my head
Like a song or a scent
Nostalgic  
And
Lingering

You tattooed
“CEDENDO VINCES”
On your wrists
“By yielding, you will win”
My finger traced those words
While I held your hand

Last breaths

But what are deaths?

Transitions
Energy
Shifting
A spark
Returning

/ / /

Those letters live
On my wrists now
A reminder of her
The sister I never had
And sometimes
I still hear her laugh
One of my dearest friends (read: soulfriend) left this earth three years ago today. This piece is in her memory. I love you, Heidi, my star.
The autumn rain is falling
    With teardrops from my eyes:
I cannot help recalling
    With sobs and long long sighs
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.­

The days are gone forever,
    The golden days of yore
When love was love forever,
    Yet love was never before
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch­.

With rue my heart is laden:
    Adieu!  Adieu ma chère!
There’s many a rose-lipt maiden,
    But none so fair as fair
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
you walk past me
eyes down, swiftly
behind you follows a trail of shadow
aura of darkness, hatred, avoidance
once transparent, we were now faceless
as best friends we loved, lost
now strangers.
I can see beyond the immovable trees
and through the clouds of uncertainty,
yet I still believe we are meant to be.

beyond the ache
the sleepless nights
lying awake
just to break
my own heart again.

I can see a place where you and me
can be eternity.
Or is it merely the pain and break
that makes me ache when I know my fate
lyes beyond the comfort,
to a new found mate.

Fate.
I wait
waiting for what
a break?
a break from the period of unknown,
a break from the resistance of letting go

Faced with the melancholy toll of the sly hands of Time,
I leave my fate in this wheel of fortune rhyme.
19/09/22
Strying Sep 19
where you laid looks like a crime scene now
the pulled blanket
the crooked pillow
the emptiness,

and I can't see a single star in the sky
it's pitch dark...
is it the light in my room blocking it out,
or is it the absence of you,
the absence of me?

then the nothingness that came,
I hoped it would never end,
but I also longed for it to be over,
for me to feel something,
anything, a single tear would do...
but nothing came.
that tingly feeling when you're finally alone after something has happened and you can process it.
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