What Was Is Not

What was is not,
I remember some but little,
Special surely, I know,
Yet only remains a tittle,

What was is not,
can’t define the shapeless shadow,
It’s insane, to question what is what,
How was I bound in this knot,

What was is not,
The word alone is so abstract,
What is love, where comes and goes love,
To confound, sent from heaven above?

What was is not,
Loves a label, does it exist at all,
If real, how does a label fall,
Is the rainbow real or not,

What was is not,
What, when, why, did it die,
If it was not then why, why do I cry,
One feels the loss and coldness is why,

What was is not,
I in a dream, I can’t run,
A nightmare stuck or trap I’m in,
Where are you sun, must see the sun,

What was is not,
Will another one ignite my soul,
Yes, it is too late, that time has gone,
Fading now, I can just recall that song,

What was is not,
Sex was very nice, yes it was a part,
Not all, but I can feel loss, it’s gone, I’m sure,
There is more, another one, is not a cure,

What was is not,
The now illusory passion has fell,
It can’t be found, as if fallen in the well,
I feel not, surely none remains,

What was is not,
Yes, I’m a selfish fool,
Not willing to stay, follow the rule,
Others have, they greet each day,

What was is not,
But I want, must have, what was,
I do remember, Yes, I can’t settle, not me,
Free to love, and to live, It must be,

What was is not,
No more, I empty, alone, a lonely one,
I will make time stop, and then begin,
From all shadows of past, I run,

What was is not,
Yes, I am stubborn, but Today I smile,
In faith, knowing what was can be,
I feel, I live, yes, I will see.

James Kirk (c) 2017

Milk and honey;
one is more luscious and inviting
dripping down your pouty, cherry red lips.
The other is warm and tempting,
but for some reason,
I can't stand to stomach it.

I attempt to find comfort
In my fascination with death
I need to know there is a reward
For loving you even after you'd left
I lay my head on a cold tombstone
Caressing it lightly I almost feel warmth
I swear i hear your heart beat in my ears
But its only the cause of me holding my breath

Copyright under Bianca Reyes 2017
All rights reserved

" The nice guy always loses " they sigh to me.
" Stop finding yourself along side bad people and you won't get hurt!"
they proclaim.
But the 'nice guys' that are just like the rests were the ones that hurt me the most.

The innocent ones with koi gestures, shy smiles and sunken eyes.
The ones that hold the door open and pull the chair our for you.
The ones that were 'free to call whenever you need me'.
Only took my vulnerability and fed upon it like a pack of wild wolves.

The 'nice guys' are nothing more than text books and wikipedia pages.  
They are predictable but vicious, Harmless but vindictive.
They are the ones that leave me now isolated.

How many goofy jokes and sweet smiles do I have to endure before I'm left with words cemented into my brain, and bruises upon my flesh.
How many soft hugs and ' No, I would never disrespect your body-s" Do I have to hear before I take another blade to my skin just to carve their touch off of me.

The 'nice guys' leave me clutching at my frame, voices raging in my mind where an eating disorder wins. If I starve until I'm nothing, no one can hurt me. Brittle bones and failed organs, hair loss and an exasperated  heart. Pulling onto the fat of my body, desperately trying to find the bones that once protruded, digging my nails into the crevices of my ribcage and collarbones, My only safety is whats inside.

People wonder why I fall in love with alcoholics and drug addicts.
People wonder why I still reminisce about my ex.
But I was warned about him, that the drugs will always win but at least he taught me life lessons. He never laid a hand on me and he never tried to manipulate me like the 'nice guys'

The ones that control you though you're not theirs.
The ones that rule you with no right.
The ones that pollute your mind and leave you numb.
The ones that take everything from you.
The ones that use you, hurt you, beat you, rape you.

The 'nice guys.'

Troy Bell 11h

In the beginning we found each other
You stole my heart then willingly gave me yours
Though we seemed to be in love
You slowly wandered away drifting from my heart

Then I made a mistake and hurt you when i didn't mean to
And you want your heart back
So in a saddened state I give it back
To hear you have found another

With your slight of hand you snatch my heart
From your eternal pocket and give it back
But the thing that you never saw
Was that it had cracked

Time went slowly and I wanted you back
But the crack always remained
So the crack turned for the worse
I saw I could never get you back

For you see that tiny crack you left in my heart
Began to grow and stop it never did
The crack grew larger until it began to break
I see now that it can never be fixed

The crack widens as I wait for you to see
No matter what I will always be true
That even though my heart is shattering
I will always love you

But now I see that my wish is child
That you will never come back
So my heart breaks even more each time
I see you or hear your name

The lights go out in my child like wish
I see the truth that I will never have you
You have gone away and left me here
Sullen and broke with a shattering heart

Now you've gone and I will never see
My heart finished breaking
And now is sand
For that single crack you left in my heart
Caused it to become a shattered heart.

Troy Bell 11h

Through all this kindness and happiness one thing is true
The love I felt and the the happiness we shared
Those times took away the blue
But now these thoughts

About us being afar have hurt me bad
So it's best if we go apart
Though I don't want to it is easy to see
that it i the only way from hurting you

Troy Bell 12h

Though this light shine brightly
My heart is pulled
To the darkness it once was

The light slowly fading
Souls withering away
Hearts turning to dust
With the breaking of sorrow waters

The rush of great fear
Agony and despair
Though looking to the light
None can be seen

All that is now
The darkness is here
Glancing around for just a little
The light once was there
Is now gone for good

Where it has gone
there is no telling

Troy Bell 12h

Why must my heart
In which has been hardened to stone
Feel heated and crack
When my ears
Hear about your betrayal

My mind begs not to listen
To my hearts petty cries
And yet I can't help but hear
The sorrow and stabbing you left behind

My heart burns and tugs
Yet I try to ignore
That my love is not yours
For my heart has found something better

Someone who will not cheat
Will not lie
Will not ignore the pain you have left
And the melted magma that was once
My stone cold heart

Troy Bell 12h

My heart aches and yet it burns
My love slowly burning and dying
This world has been nothing but cruel and evil
My love yet given is never returned

My soul set to blaze and my tears know no bound
The taunting heart in which I haven
I beg for the day
In which you all see

No matter the cost of myself
I will be with that heart
And finally be free

incoherent thoughts cloud my mind.
i am like a spider
who was never taught
how to climb.
thoughts of what could have been,
our stupid, well thought out plans.
the dull thud of a heartbeat next to mine,
keeping a rhythm that isn't in time.
desire and lust
and everything that we had in between the two of us
left behind.
like a piece of mold on a piece of white bread.
"it's bullshit!" i scream as i listen to music
that makes me think of you.
and my purple walls in my dark room
that were painted by our hands.
a taste of something
i feel as though i will
never taste again.
i look at the hole in the wall,
and the broken ceiling fan.
the picture of you on my desktop,
an empty box of soda cans.
and i can't seem to remind myself that
there is always an end.

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