it's like the more i try to be "normal"
the further away the goal becomes
i've tried time and time again
to make myself
look pretty and skinny and beautiful
all for you
and when that wasn't enough
i tattooed my skin
with both ink and the scars from a blade
to see if you would like me better
but the ink is now faded
the scars are now pale
and lets be truthful - no one likes
a girl who's disappearing
Skinny body, pale skin
You couldn't believe it
Little freckles painting her face
You thought you were dreaming
Black wavy hair, up in a messy bum
Is she an angel?
White snow smile, crooked teeth
Or does she involve danger?
Soft voice and sweetness
It hit you the first time she looked at you
Red shirt and black jeans
Even if it meant nothing, just what she had to do
She made that uniform look like a fancy dress
It hit you the first time you looked at her
Tiny fragile looking hands
It hurt you when you had to leave
"Good evening, what can I help you with?"
I can't even remember her name,
but I'll for sure remember her smile.
And as I lay in my bed
dreams about her haunt me at night.
I wonder if I'll ever see her again,
cause I don't want to forget.
I don't want to forget.
You look in the mirror and know bloating is your enemy
You have people tell you, you are too flat
You are not skinny, you are not fat
When food can be your frenemy
You put in all this work
You have people tell you it will never be enough
You are not strong, you are not weak
When your body can call your bluff
You always try and stick to the rules
You have people tell you that you could do better and include this and that
You are not memorable, you are not forgetful
When your diet looks like something you do not get at
i wish my parents had
loved me enough
or just had enough
to put me on a diet when
i was nine years old
because now that i'm
older i can say with
certainty that i would
have rather grown up
thinner and slightly
worse for the wear
than grow up the
way i did
and be the way i
because i ended up
unhappy even though
they told me i was lovely
and i would rather
have had me miserable
and skinny rather than
miserable and fat
i only wish they had
told me the truth
instead of letting me
discover for myself
the mirror is my home and what an abusive home it can be.
eyes scoring my body, head to feet.
my mind is the judge that no flaw escapes,
no more cookies, no more cakes,
no nothing for you,
not until your skin is tight enough to see through.
no calories, no carbohydrates,
stand stiff until your spine breaks.
'Oh look how skinny you are!"
others cry in awe.
no, i'm not skinny. i just find every flaw,
they try to hide in the skin of my thighs
but i always find them, drunk on lies,
i know where they hide,
they can't escape my ever searching eyes,
i poke, prod, and pinch, stick my head up with pins,
'hold your head high! it will make you confident!' they say,
i do, i try, i just don't want the room to spin and my legs to sway after forgetting to eat for an entire day,
but the mirror is my home, and abusive one at that,
some flaws can only be rid of when one learns to love the healthy fat.
I look at myself and don't like what I see. My disgusting body stares back at me.
I try different things to make me a little thinner. Like purging myself or skipping my dinner.
The voice inside my head tells me I'll never be beautiful unless I'm thin,
so I start counting calories until I feel attractive in my own skin.
Every food I eat is no longer tasteful. It's just more calories entering my body and makes me feel shameful.
I hope to someday to be the thin girl hiding underneath my fat. The girl that can touch her stomach and it would be flat.
An incongruous time to be alive in 1985
Live Aid and all it's worthy charity
in an era of gratuitous greed
Reagan, Thatcher and all their vulgarity
Me? I was 18, mullet haired and stupid
I spent most of each day not giving a toss
ducking and diving, plotting and scheming
finding new ways to wind up my boss
A college drop out toiling in warehouse work
my intelligence trumped by underachievement
carefree and naive but healthy and skinny
a little narcissistic if I'd known what that meant
12 months of big hair and bigger shoulder pads
and yes I am still talking about me
my pipe cleaner legs sporting stonewashed jeans
even then the fashion was holes in the knee
I was single by choice and necessity
no female looked twice at my spindly frame
life was grand though, at least in my head
entrenched memories still ignite a flickering flame
We live by the words "be perfect don't fail"
About us we should see what that reveals
We obsess over numbers on a scale
Expectations are set by these ideals
When did portion sizes become so small
It's hard to think of but needs to be said
Put my health first vs. do I care at all
A constant battle inside of my head
Strength and will-power silence the voices
My body shaming can finally stop
Pushing myself to make the right choices
In this battle I will come out on top
Because the exact moment I give in
I'm choosing to let society win
I am obsessed with becoming a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, I don't want to hate myself anymore
I will keep drinking zero calorie sparkling water and doing sit ups until my stomach aches and smiling through the painful runs
because damn it
its going to be worth it
I don't need the dinner roll
I don't need the candy
I just need to be proud of my body.
I am on a journey to being healthy, and it may be a little bit twisted but it will end good, I just know it.