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Force feeding on two doses of clozapine.
Doc reclines in his chair;
I am restrained in mine.

"I am feeling fine, now,
feeling fine."

"It is time."
Doc persists," admit it for them...
you know what you did;
you know it was all real."

A film reel rewinds inside somewhere
adjacent to my cerebellum;
Front row seats to my favorite show-
I know not what to tell him?

It was all what I dreamt up on one of my.
Usual Sundays.
Savoring what lovely sensations-
'some' would insinuate are a sin.
It was me this time playing doctor,
operating on my imaginary friend.

This one pretends she does not like the licking
of a blade against her skin.
And when I decide to cut too deep
her safe word is always 'grin.'  

But Doc: that was just how we liked to play?
She had been longing for a violent death:
            I dreamt her up that way.

...

Before I could say what fun I had with the others.., teary-eyed on the other side of reinforced glass, resides my many made-up friend's mothers...

(Was it those two pills from before?)
In my final minutes ..
I have regained lucidity.
On death row for defiling those things
I thought only I could see.
A needle in my arm:
my death will serve as an apology.

...

I writhe, and before I black out, the lithe figure
of an old imaginary friend.. but if you WERE actually real..

A decade ago- I remember a incorporeal, corrupted, entity I allowed to fill my soul.

In place of the hole where apathy used to be.
The yearning for suicide was all mine;
Homicide was your wish-you resided within.
Broke my will and reality down day by day
by simply posing as my only friend.
Control/Desire imprisoned me.

Rewired my mind.
breaking me down into insanity.
but I am fighting now:
Thrashing with all the life left still inside of me.

She grins as I go.

musing to herself.
         She takes me below.

" I had high hopes for this plaything...
  my next toy is actually EAGER to ****. "


...For someone who wanted to be dead,
you had such a hard time keeping still.

-
A story of how the friendship between a man and his imaginary friend was simply that: a 'friend' imagined.

T/w suicide, ******, mental health
~
You're an island in the anodyne brisk.

You're a holm of lonesomeness.

Your divers in deep diorama
sink like boats.

There's coins and clothing
and troubling notes
left by a female passenger
imprisoned on watery shore.

Run aground,
you harbor regret,
and speak in tongues of folklore.

If I had an ocean I'd give you to it.

~
Jellyfish Feb 6
I don't want to be helpess anymore,
It was easier, I'll no longer ignore-
How I always asked your thoughts,
How I vented and never stopped.

The things I regret now feel more real,
I wish we just could've hung out;
Been normal friends,
but I was afraid to be myself.

I learned to stay down and not get up,
I'd pace my room in fantasies
Until I learned to que up
Validation felt like a drug

But now what I regret most
Is not giving you a hug,
Spilling my every thought,
And betraying you

Now you're gone
ashw Feb 6
Within the rings of trees and layers of rocks
Lie countless hours - so many lost,
Time that was wasted, never regained,
Until regret and comeuppance were all that remained.
if i could just
find the trick
to remembering
that i was right
               all along
for a change
James Rives Jan 20
poetry is bloodletting
for my aching hands,
brain, heart, soul, whatever.
in maroon, I see a *****,
disconnected features, details,
themes, emotion.
all useless without the right vessel.
the pages may get stained
but the Rorschach means nothing
without rhythm and image and heat
and light.
i deserved it
mjad Jan 12
99
Of the 100 thoughts I have
You are 99

I wish you were here
I also wish you could get off my mind
mjad Jan 12
Sometimes I wonder what I would do
If I walked into a room
And all I saw was you
mjad Jan 12
It's so complicated to explain
We went from love to fun to pain
And found new people to love
But yours didn't fit like a glove
Mine is going strong
But yours is going wrong
She doesn't want you anymore
You don't know what for
I feel bad, I really do
There's always been something different about you
I know you like the back of my hand
I lay in bed listening to your favorite band

Reminiscing

We thought we had it all together
But I found someone for the better
You remind me of all we used to do
Like making out in dressing rooms
God we were so young and naive
But still we don't know what we need
The comfort of talking, warm like a fire
I imaged more than this eight years prior
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