You’ve never felt so hollow before. So light. Counting the numbers over and over again. Watching them go up, up, sky rocketing. Then watching the boat sink, but you don’t feel like you’ve descended any more than you did yesterday, or a year ago. You wrap it around yourself tightly, trying to crush your insides into your fist until there’s wiggle room. It could be worse, but it could also be better. So much better.
You dream of floating, but the anchor holds you down, allowing the waves to swallow you whole. You search for the bumps you’ll never find. But if you bend over far enough, then you can feel it protruding out of your back- your wings. Growing out until you can fly away.
As the tornado sucks you up, the number may be dropping, lower and lower, but you can feel yourself rising up. Someday, maybe, you’ll be able to touch the stars. Or even better, you’ll surpass them. You can find the unfindable. Achieve the unthinkable.
Someday, you’ll fly so high up, that you won’t need to feel the heavy wool dragging you back to Earth.
You spend hours staring at yourself. Hoping that if you look at the right angle, you’ll see yourself blossoming like a rose. But you’re not close to sprouting.
The creature standing before you in the mirror haunts your nightmares. It’s eyes are as lifeless as yours.
It’s tears as wet as your own.
You stare at it.
And you count.
Then eventually it drops.
Your reflections all that’s left.
The skeleton screams at you, but you look right through it, staring at the monster in your head. The one only you can see.
It looms around you, encasing you within its body.
Get it off! You sob. Clawing at your own flesh. Peeling away the monster until there’s nothing but skin and bone.
But it’s not enough.
It’ll never be enough.
There’s no one around to see you anymore. There’s no one around to point out the way you wear your collar bones like a diamond necklace.
Or how you dream of showcasing your hip bones like a trophy.
There’s no longer a ruler small enough to measure your waist.
There isn’t a number small enough to measure your dreams.
But that’s alright.
You have the corpse in the mirror to be your best friend.