I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a frI AMagile woman.I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman. I am a fragile woman.I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to acSTRONGERt like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I have to act like a lady. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant.I am compliant.I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant.THAN AI am compliant. I am compliant.I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I am compliant. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I kFORCEnow my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I know my place. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you.OF NATUREI am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without you.

rough white parchment
torn up by fine black ink
an octopus curls its legs around the deckled edges
intertwined.

fighting
clawing
scratching
gasping
for whatever glimpse of clean air
when the apocalypse is over
when the bodies outnumber the grains of sand
for whatever rain storm befalls
the rain will take over in waves to
cleanse
dry
redeem
purify

Am i cursed?
I feel like I'm broken
     But I'm not,
I feel like I'm empty
      I think thats true.
Yes,
I am cursed
By someone special.
I am in a sleepy mood,
Maybe i must have hurted someone
Badly .. Very badly.
Maybe i do have a frozen heart?
Which can't feel love.
Yes,
Thats true!
I am cursed
By true love.
I will never wake up by a true loving kiss
Because i am not a sleeping beauty.
So,
I should wake up by my own for myself  
Because i am alone.

I found out I was expecting...
I wasn't sure how to feel...
At first it was a bit concerning....
and then it felt extremely surreal...

I found out I was expecting....
I was later filled with pure joy....
for I knew soon I'd hear a little heart pitter pattering....
and then pondered at the question, little girl or little boy?.....

I found out I was expecting...…
Our hearts were made complete....
Seeing our little jelly bean quickly growing....
and waiting anxiously for December so we can finally meet!....

I’ll tuck the tears back behind my eyelids.
Keep them closed like the window on the fourth floor my mom always kept locked so I wouldn’t leap.

I was suicidal when I was 9.
Open cute little journal
“I hate myself”
Pages 1, 2, 20.

It’s supposed to be hard to care about other people,
Not yourself.

11 when I felt nothing
12 when I asked pain for a visit.
Just one minute of feeling,
Please.

I connect too deeply with my blood.
That’s why we’re best friends.

Or, maybe, I don’t connect deeply enough with her.
With that warm fluid pulsating the individual dance
Of my
And only my
being.

hands touching
hearts burning
slow dancing

he held her
close to him
and kissed her

eyes staring
tears pooling
"farewell, love."

You’re much like the rain,
You can be soft or heavy,
Or kind to my drought.

We were bred in nuclear captivity
Raised behind the safety of stained glass.

We learned to follow the leaders,
memorize the Billboard Top 30,
sleep on apparently royal mattresses,
make love in forest green colored cages,
make money by counting other people's money,
track the number of times our feet hit the pavement,
and then die on a 700 dollar couch.

Still unable to believe in a god other than this one.

Heaven rained on me,
I breathed in the petrichor,
Bathed in the downpour.

If I’m a waste of time,
Then you’ve had a lot of quick wins
You must have put a lot of ends
On your dime
If I’m a waste of time,
Then you’re a sewer swallowing soap
Mouthful by mouthful
You bubble up
If I wasn’t worth the mere seconds you spared,
Caring for my heart
Or tangling your hands in my hair,
Then the letdowns you’ve seen must block the sun
Towering high,
Becoming one
Because if my undying love,
My tears and torn throat
My nails on your back
Entire nights on the phone
Every train I that took,
Your favorite boots that you own
Were a waste of your time
I’m sure your ticker is broke

if i may,
where do you live?
where do you breathe?
whence do i seek?

shall i plunder some far-away lands
or, behold the wildflowers sprouting on my roof?
shall i aim the telescope at milky way
or, melt into my love's mellow eyes?

you see, i was told --
poetry arrives donning pieces of the seeker,
pieces long lost, or yet to be found.

The soft side of starlight
keeps winking
through my blinds,
surprised that I'm awake,
asking why I'm scared.

"Can't you see,
can't you see?
All the breathing,
all the blooming?

A curve or two away,
a month of brave at most,
weaving through the pines,
there's laughter there
that's yours."

If my fate is to love you
From a distance
Then I'll burn for you
Like a star in your night sky
Bright, steady, reliable
Unwavering
Until the end of time.

your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

i can't even watch frozen 2
because 1 will always be yours

Break my bones;
cut my throat.
Pull me open,
learn the ropes.

Breath me in;
taste the fear.
Shank my skin;
stand and cheer.

Kick my head;
let me bleed.
Unbolt my veins;
enjoy the read.

Gouge my eyes;
punch my face.
Wrap me up
in your embrace.

She often dreams of him
Or Him? Or even…. her?
Large hands, a soft mouth
Enveloping completely.

But
When the dream ends
And you are rudely, abruptly awakened:
Nothing is left
But silence.

The water
was lovely, dark, and deep;
wild and free
it called to me,
invited me in
what a shame i couldn’t swim.

"Peace and Love"

I dreamt I lived forever
And that age and wrinkle never came
I dreamt that the world was better
And that peace grew evermore

Her love towered over me
And my heart was still
Her spirit flowed through her body around my own
And grasped the depths that wallowed low

I asked her what my time meant
To live towards no end
To be and to not fear
That we are all here by chance
And to love the odds from our gods
That the moment was taken
And across a billion years and countless specks of stars…

We are here
And forevermore
Our love goes on

I told you I would wait for you
But it’s been two years
And you’ve moved on
But I don’t blame you. I should too.

But I’m still waiting for you
Why am I still waiting for you
Like one day I’ll wake up
and things will be different

Like if I wait long enough, that’ll be enough?
Or if I wait long enough, maybe I’ll be ready to love someone else too.
Or you’ll change your mind, and share all this wait.

It’s been two years, and I’m still waiting for you.
Like I told you I would.

Have you ever liked someone so much you regret meeting them?

I used to read your poems
but lately you don't write
you're silent and aloof
you know that isn't right.
You can't close a door once opened
you can't abolish all your dreams
you're a poet of the heart
mustn't fall apart at the seams.
Say what you can in words
they speak the message true
spoken from the heart
the poems will see you through.
A hermit's not your style
a recluse, you are not
never give up writing
of things that you've been taught.
I used to read your poems
I'd read them once again
if you would send them out
(this one's from a poet friend)

I was a fool.
A fool that believed,
And on your stage,
I acted my part flawlessly,
The way you wanted me to be.

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

Healing leaves are now disrobed branches
on the edge of this wilderness.
Many tall Douglas Fir stand sentinel
over 100 foot tall amazing grace — the fleeting leaves
expose the beauty of the moss clad scaffolds
adorned with a lime-grey lichen lace
Nature is my refuge — solid ground to stand
in this harmony and peacefulness.


Jesse Stillwater — December 2018

These days I can't sleep
I think of thee
Now look at he
Sitting in darkness
Typing away with empty heart
Fingers like feather-touch
He made a mistake
Was he? Did he?
Was it a mistake that he made that birth to all these
The cycle repeats
No matter where I sit
Alone,
One thing's for sure
People die when they succeed
This cycle of eternity will grant me immortality

Till death takes me
If the cycle's not complete
I will thrash in hell
Under heaven's decree
The scourging flames will not stop me
Until the cycle bears my sins

And over time,
My pen stopped bleeding
But my heart didn't