I guess
We fell apart
In the most
Usual way
But then why
Does it hurt
When I see you
In the crowd everyday...

Your fingers

are inside

         my

                 wet

                          warm

throat

pulling out

                        sighs

of desperation

and cries

that thunder down like rain

am i supposed to
write happy songs
when i am not so happy?
watch this space.
there is
an evolution
a revolution
happening inside of me.
and i am you.
here with you.
doing this thing with you,

Gather the roses of love whilst it is time.

i am afraid,
one day I can’t recognize myself

Some have said that the bravest thing we do
Is to get up each morning and face the dawn
It may be so. The light is grey and cold
There seem to be no reasons to go on

And yet - the morning sun begins to kiss
The sensitive, delicate springtime leaves
Turning their own hopes to the morning sun
Stretching their chloroplasts awake to life

So even as sunlight embraces the tree
So maybe there will be kisses - we’ll see!

I feel my mind spinning
Like wheels on a car
Always ever moving
But staying where they are

Our texts went from paragraphs
to sentences
to one worded answers
to one sided conversations...
you only check on me for one to two days, then forgot me...

So tell me, do you really care about me? If you need me to leave, I will leave.
If you think that I am clingy and annoying, tell  me! I can leave...just tell me the truth...please!
Stop pretending, you won’t have to suffer, I want you to be happy...
even if I won’t be part of that happiness

I can’t hide it
I crave it
Needing it to survive
The pressure of your body
That look in your eyes
Pulling me closer
Oh closer
Sometimes by my hair
Pinning me to that mattress
Or whatever you dare
For I feel it
I love it
That taste on my lips
Unable to move
With your hands on my hips
Oh you know me
Control me
Fingers dancing on my thighs
All those nights that you’d hold me
Brought stars to my eyes
By that grip of your hand
Firmly ‘round my neck
Oh you’d punish me tenderly
I could never forget
Yes you’d pull me
You’d push me
Goosebumps emerge on my skin
Feeling the beads of your sweat
Drip onto my chin
Kiss me
Tease me
Master you know just what to do
To leave me on my knees
Begging for every inch of you


                     Alysia Marie 2018 ©

Words hurt they say,
but the feeling of them being etched
is akin to new found pain
a pen would be easier,
staining my skin, in-erasable
the pencil is more dull
perhaps then will I finally feel smart
it feels like an unwanted tattoo.

Flowers are the mind manifested
Sometimes your rain may fall
Much harder than normal
But you'll find eventually
That the sun will feel so much
Brighter than before

Come take
your mind
on down
with me .

let our bodies
be canvases
to the tributes
of our
lives.

leave  
our old stories
like tattered
and worn
baggages

by the
door.

be each
others
savior for
awhile.

a old lover's
lament.

not trying
to fill in
each other's
water color
dreams,

with lies
or half
obligated
promises.

and finally
when the
late afternoon

comes to
swallow our
worn
innocence.

close the
door.

leave unsaid
the words
that must
be said.

return us
both with
some dignity


to the outskirts

of our lives.

Have you ever felt
you loved someone that
you hated the person?

Have you ever felt
you knew everything that
you knew nothing?

Have you ever felt
the overwhelming happiness and grace that
you manifested signs of sadness?

Have you ever felt
the burning heart inside
though you are soaked outside?

Feeling feelings,
i do not fully understand
what they are
but they color the blank sheet of life –

a part of me wish I killed myself a long time ago
people call me strong
but it's all an act
I am being held together by a string
and it's slowly breaking

i’ve made it known
your in the wrong
stop crying

“stop lying”
i’d say if you’d let me
but the tears keep falling don’t you see?
lies
as i cry
wondering why
you don’t hear my cries

You have this way
Of staring at me
That pulls on my heart strings

You have this way
Of drowning out
Life and all it's things

You have this way
Of stopping time
When I catch your eye

You have this way
Of making me melt
When you hug me goodbye

You have this way
Of singing to me
Without using any words

You have this way
Of making me miss you
So much it hurts

“Depression is just a phase all teenagers go through!”
“You’ll grow out of it!”
“It gets better!”

When does it get better?
7 years running,
I’m still as miserable as ever.
But now I have more than depression.
Anxiety.
PTSD.
What more mental issues do I have to look forward to?
It’s never gotten better.
Just worse.

i wish i can run
i wish i could fly
i wish that i can find peace inside my soul

Sometimes I go too  deep in my writing for others to understand
It's too much for them to take in
I'm not looking for praise
Or for money
But for expression of myself and others
So, they can relate and understand
That some of us go through things that only a dark fantasy can describe
And I'm sorry if its too much

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

I said you were my moon
I meant it and I still do.
Tides and all.

I said you were my stars
I meant it and I still do.
Forever. Warmth.

I suffer
The circular trepidation
Of waiting
For joy

If I sink, I sink into my thoughts
If I float, I float in dreams
If I fall, I fall silent
If I rise, I rise up from the ashes
If I love, I love everything
If I hate, I lose everything!

sunshine morning squint
youthful thoughts of life anew
warm beginning bright

In the morning dew lies a baby calf
Hidden behind a rosebush
Sleeping in the warm sun

One day
I'll meet you in the aisle
You'll wearing your bridal gown
And all i can say is
I am Happy for you

Lick my lips
Cradle my face
Gaze into my eyes
And tell me I'm safe

red, pink, and white
cheap or expensive gifts
from friends, family, or loved ones.
some people are sad if they don’t
receive one from anyone they know.
a holiday celebrating couples,
what about the single people?
what would happen if
you weren’t loved?
what would happen?
valentine’s day originated
from women getting sold
in a town square
and hit and whipped
after being bought.

I don't feel special,
I'm not unique.
I want to cry
but I can't even speak.
My hands reach out,
but they cannot hold
a single thing
but the bitter cold.
Everything's frozen,
I feel lost.
Even my tears
have turned to frost.
When I cut my waist
it bleeds black.
I'm so deeply gone
there's no way back.
This is goodbye

it’s a beautiful thing
this day and age
with bubbling permafrost
with drug-resistance
with obesity treatments
with technological advancements
with scientific discoveries
with silent wars
with blue lava
with bleeding glaciers
with divorce
with sensitivity
with my generation
of people believing
this new generation
is completely and
utterly clueless as a
common occurrence

but let’s think about
what these kids are
into nowadays.

let’s think about who
invented these inane
things for the kids.

my generation of people.

so the kids of today are
the ones who are ******
for liking the things
that we’ve created?

I’m sorry but we have to
be the ones who are obtuse
for believing such things,
oblivious for not
realizing them and
showing the world
we have
little or no imagination
anymore.

the generation before us
has lied to us and
thought us to lie
to the generation
after.

whether it’s the gods
or holidays
or what not.

the youth of the today
are autonomous.
they can not take
responsibility for
their actions nor do
they understand and
just go along
with the trends,
much like,
all the generations
before them
but we need a scapegoat
to cover up our own
farce implementations.

the truth of the matter is..
we’re all a little vacuous
in our own way
especially the ones with
an answer for everything.
living in an imperfect world
where there’s always room
for improvement
nothing for us
or against us
wrapped up in our
congratulatory
self-contradictory
and illogical theories
and as useless as
exploding appendix.

the lost generation
the interbellum generation
the silent generation
the baby boomers
generation x
the millennials

a strong admixture
of imbecility and
self-assurance
filled with belief
and unawareness
to a senseless world

like hate
like blame
like gossip
like jealousy
like being offended
like being impressive
like the punk rock dream
like hospital waiting rooms
like fundraisers and charity events
like your co-worker to the right and
the left of you
and their families
and their families before
them

our greatest creation
our strongest aide

to deconstruct