hands touching
hearts burning
slow dancing

he held her
close to him
and kissed her

eyes staring
tears pooling
"farewell, love."

i can't even watch frozen 2
because 1 will always be yours

with a simple hello
and a plain fine
l never knew that there was a fine line
between being something
or simply just wasting time
so l have decided to let you go
even if it makes my heart sore
but love is the loneliest place when you fall alone

She often dreams of him
Or Him? Or even…. her?
Large hands, a soft mouth
Enveloping completely.

But
When the dream ends
And you are rudely, abruptly awakened:
Nothing is left
But silence.

If I’m a waste of time,
Then you’ve had a lot of quick wins
You must have put a lot of ends
On your dime
If I’m a waste of time,
Then you’re a sewer swallowing soap
Mouthful by mouthful
You bubble up
If I wasn’t worth the mere seconds you spared,
Caring for my heart
Or tangling your hands in my hair,
Then the letdowns you’ve seen must block the sun
Towering high,
Becoming one
Because if my undying love,
My tears and torn throat
My nails on your back
Entire nights on the phone
Every train I that took,
Your favorite boots that you own
Were a waste of your time
I’m sure your ticker is broke

I was suicidal when I was 9.
Open cute little journal
“I hate myself”
Pages 1, 2, 20.

It’s supposed to be hard to care about other people,
Not yourself.

11 when I felt nothing
12 when I asked pain for a visit.
Just one minute of feeling,
Please.

I connect too deeply with my blood.
That’s why we’re best friends.

Or, maybe, I don’t connect deeply enough with her.
With that warm fluid pulsating the individual dance
Of my
And only my
being.

I dreamt I lived forever
And that age and wrinkle never came
I dreamt that the world was better
And that peace grew evermore

Her love towered over me
And my heart was still
Her spirit flowed through her body around my own
And grasped the depths that wallowed low

I asked her what my time meant
To live towards no end
To be and to not fear
That we are all here by chance
And to love the odds from our gods
That the moment was taken
And across a billion years and countless specks of stars…

We are here
And forevermore
Our love goes on

I like to whisper
whisper in your ear
because I know you’ll listen
more carefully
pay full attention
to my words
when I whisper
how much you mean
to me.

You’re much like the rain,
You can be soft or heavy,
Or kind to my drought.

It is the smell I rise to
It is the smell when my nose touches your shirt
It is the smell when my head lies on your chest

I rub it on me to school
The supermarket
The train
The bus

You left the trace, flourishing
Through my roots
Shifting everywhere I go
Time and beyond will
Not permit
For you to depart.

I finally understood
Newton's third law of motion.
To every action, there is
an equal and opposite reaction.

To every person you hurt
intentionally or not
karma makes sure
to get back at you.

if i may,
where do you live?
where do you breathe?
whence do i seek?

shall i plunder some far-away lands
or, behold the wildflowers sprouting on my roof?
shall i aim the telescope at milky way
or, melt into my love's mellow eyes?

you see, i was told --
poetry arrives donning pieces of the seeker,
pieces long lost, or yet to be found.

The soft side of starlight
keeps winking
through my blinds,
surprised that I'm awake,
asking why I'm scared.

"Can't you see,
can't you see?
All the breathing,
all the blooming?

A curve or two away,
a month of brave at most,
weaving through the pines,
there's laughter there
that's yours."

Heaven rained on me,
I breathed in the petrichor,
Bathed in the downpour.

"Peace and Love"

The water
was lovely, dark, and deep;
wild and free
it called to me,
invited me in
what a shame i couldn’t swim.

You'll never get to experience the depth of the still water until you're submerged.
The iceberg of the mind...
There are no mistakes, only lessons manifesting in various degrees of challenge.
Adversity is the crucible through which character is shaped.
Let my equanimity be mistaken for indifference,
as my tolerance is for acceptance.
Because the mountain piercing the heavens is actually a dormant volcano.

If my fate is to love you
From a distance
Then I'll burn for you
Like a star in your night sky
Bright, steady, reliable
Unwavering
Until the end of time.

your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

I told you I would wait for you
But it’s been two years
And you’ve moved on
But I don’t blame you. I should too.

But I’m still waiting for you
Why am I still waiting for you
Like one day I’ll wake up
and things will be different

Like if I wait long enough, that’ll be enough?
Or if I wait long enough, maybe I’ll be ready to love someone else too.
Or you’ll change your mind, and share all this wait.

It’s been two years, and I’m still waiting for you.
Like I told you I would.

The world has gone dark that you can't really tell
If your eyes are shut or wide open

Break my bones;
cut my throat.
Pull me open,
learn the ropes.

Breath me in;
taste the fear.
Shank my skin;
stand and cheer.

Kick my head;
let me bleed.
Unbolt my veins;
enjoy the read.

Gouge my eyes;
punch my face.
Wrap me up
in your embrace.

A man bestowed to carry a weight
  far more heavier
than his liver can carry
I need to write...

To my lover
who's eyes look like
the promised land
I quenched my thirst
through your lips
and as I held your hand
I held the garden of eden once more..

Whether you are under your blankets
Or in the arms of another.

I hope you are warm wherever you are.

I was a fool.
A fool that believed,
And on your stage,
I acted my part flawlessly,
The way you wanted me to be.

These days I can't sleep
I think of thee
Now look at he
Sitting in darkness
Typing away with empty heart
Fingers like feather-touch
He made a mistake
Was he? Did he?
Was it a mistake that he made that birth to all these
The cycle repeats
No matter where I sit
Alone,
One thing's for sure
People die when they succeed
This cycle of eternity will grant me immortality

Till death takes me
If the cycle's not complete
I will thrash in hell
Under heaven's decree
The scourging flames will not stop me
Until the cycle bears my sins

Have you ever liked someone so much you regret meeting them?

I used to read your poems
but lately you don't write
you're silent and aloof
you know that isn't right.
You can't close a door once opened
you can't abolish all your dreams
you're a poet of the heart
mustn't fall apart at the seams.
Say what you can in words
they speak the message true
spoken from the heart
the poems will see you through.
A hermit's not your style
a recluse, you are not
never give up writing
of things that you've been taught.
I used to read your poems
I'd read them once again
if you would send them out
(this one's from a poet friend)

fragility, and
pain, peace, borne in unison
how it breaks me so

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

the thing about friendship
is you can talk about whatever you want
as long as both of you like the same stuff

and then life makes you spend time apart
to see if you can cope
to see if you're a person or just a half

and if you can
you find new things
you find new people

and suddenly
conversations are different
then, fighting. things that hurt
words are thrown around like bullets and knives

if not that,
then a bitter sense of cold
residing just behind the surface

then the last conversation
the final straw
number fifteen
the last time
you will take **** from anyone

the stars came from two things
one that comes from dust
and the other from her eyes

Healing leaves are now disrobed branches
on the edge of this wilderness.
Many tall Douglas Fir stand sentinel
over 100 foot tall amazing grace — the fleeting leaves
expose the beauty of the moss clad scaffolds
adorned with a lime-grey lichen lace
Nature is my refuge — solid ground to stand
in this harmony and peacefulness.


Jesse Stillwater — December 2018