This world is chaos, so why am I trying to make order of it

I was in a beautiful mood last night

I’d convinced myself things were going to be alright

And then they came crashing down

At the sound of your words

I want things to stay the same

To be predictable

So I can feel safe

She’s chaos and I am too

My energy’s off and it’s because of you

Don’t text me anymore

I don’t want those words

They hurt too much

I’d rather isolate

This is paralyzed

This is pouring rain

I was fantasizing again

I’ve done this to myself

You’d laugh at me

I’m a child

Why do I keep checking

As if I want her to plead

I need to get over it

Give me a week

It's not the same

I can hardly speak

the pain in my heart

so real so sweet

What a beautiful thing it is to feel at all

Up and down I go

In and out I crawl

I want it all

Apparently

I know there’s a woman out there right now crying her eyes out
Gave her all to a fool & he just let her down
I know she gotta be feeling like she’ll never be good enough
Like she’ll never meet a man that’s loyal enough
Another sleepless night, another case of deja vu
Thinking what she did to deserve the pain he put her through
She never had real love, only met fools who wanted her goodies
Pretending to be a King when he’s only sweet talking to get her cookies
Here we go once again, your heart suffered another tragedy
Getting shot down by love again, facing another sad reality
I can hear your heart crying & it makes me cry when I listen
Hearing the things it’s experiencing & steady thinking something’s missing
You wanna be loved but sex seems like the only thing that we really seek
Feeding you a bunch of lies & never practice what we preach
I know you must feel like it’s end of the world & you’re single forever
But somebody’s gonna love day & treat you 10x better
I know you’re tired of the games that us men are always running
Beating around the bush fronting like we don’t want nothing
I hear those tears you cry, that’s I wrote this letter
Somebody’s gonna love you one day & become your Forever
Every mistake in love has a lesson to teach
This clowns aren’t the one for you, that’s why they got impeached
Somebody’s gonna love you, just gonna take time before you find em
Loving you isn’t gonna easy but you gotta take the time to guide em
I know you feel like you ain’t good enough & that I understand
You’re mixed up in a society where there’s more players than man
So used to the clowns that a real man just might scare you
All these lessons love’s teaching you are only gonna prepare you
For when you finally meet the one then your world begins to light up
Love is getting your perfect match ready so please never give up
Somebody’s gonna love you & I know that’s hard to believe
But when the right one comes, no matter how hard loving you may seem, they’ll never leave

....and in your gigantic presence
With your miniscule body
You are the mirror
Of the deepest stars
Past the spaces between
Spaces,
Into the mist
Your red tailed gaze
Into the echoes
Of Babylon's Gardens,
A grace in a dance
Of your broken life,

The glutton behind the father
Who took you,
The tumultuous perfume
Left with scars behind the drapes
The neighbors couldn't hear,

The sadness in your soul
Inside the woman who
Loves me,
Slender hopes under the lines
Of the dream's eyes,
Your ears never caught
The exhausted bitterness
That only heard an immense
Change in the future,

I am here woman,
As you bite your silver lips,
Arc your metallic spine,
And the bronze shine in your
Otherwise copper hair,
I become a Magnetar
In the metallics of your body,
Mighty embraces will kiss
The crystalline eyes
With lips on fire
And singing redemption's lullaby,

Together killing your past,
Your hands hold distant visions
That bloom living roses,
Who tears are of lost lilies
In an ebony pond,
A fertile present
Gives birth the momentous,
No one can change your past,
But you're a basacrifice
Void of alcoholic bliss,
The grapes before
Now dead forever
Is a sober feeling.

Magnolia of mine,
Like a flowerbed of omnipotent
Desires,
You bloom the sex
With a martyrs sacrifice,
Your hopeless days are gone
And  I am grateful for
The circles under your eyes,
The vain of your existed
Pains,
Your heart transfixed by the
Newness of our love,
Though you still look at the old
Curtains,
The confused and turbid tumult
That bore it's hole
Into your ways,
I have come when you began
To love again the life
Over a darkness under the
Nights skin,
Tearing away the darkness,
A dawn song has spread
Over the horizon,
And your light is a melancholy
Of stars,
From your eyes grow
An ocean of time,
And here we float with hope
I can only Revere
That all the worst
Life gave to you,
A fleece of golden grace

And I can only be thankful
As your sorrow
Has birthed a certain kind
Of grace with the
Pieces left intact.

Silence is also conversation.

Little girl
Why do you sit so?
Wires spread across your lap
Connecting your head to something not there.
Do you not go outside?
Pale is your skin and so fast your fingers fly
Switching seamlessly to different devices
Wires stitching your reality together.

Old woman
Why do you stare so?
Clutching your purse
As if it was a link to sanity.
Do you not know how this works?
Wrinkled is your skin and in your eyes hardened judgement speaks
Blue veins showing in your mottled hands
Thin as the wires in my lap.

Little girl
Have you ever seen the face of the sun?
In my day the children were active.

Old woman
Have you not seen how the world has changed?
We are no longer allowed outside.

To be diligent students, we use technology
To connect with friends, we use technology
To be active in our society, we use technology

Do not take out your phone and tweet a picture of me
Comments disparaging of my generation's addiction to connection
And hold your head high that you have done right.

Do not shake your head at something you did not have access to
And deem it "useless" or "unneeded".

Do not scorn something you do not know.

But
If you would be willing to change with the world
I am a good source to learn from.
Just ask me.

The undrawn curtains,
The dark room.
Laying inside,
The optimistic gloom.
Unburdening himself,
From himself.
No plans today,
None for tomorrow.
The pensive soul,
Elluding him whole.
"Time heals",
The canvas read.
"It injures again",
He said.

Oh gardener of the soul. Do you smell of two lovers alone? The roses you planted are now intertwined, kissing only when the breeze blows.

Oh gardener of the mind. Do you smell of explosive happiness? The lilies you sowed into the ground are now blooming violently. Like explosions in July, they gather temporary admirers, if only for a day. If only for a moment. Making the loneliest of people smile at the defiant nature of these flowers in winter.

Oh gardener of the heart. Do you smell of copacetic feelings and romantic sunsets? The flowers you planted for your bouquet are now too beautiful to cut. Yet your lover's eyes twinkle at the snapdragons and peonies you so lovingly implanted into the ground.

Gardener of the universe. You planted gentle flowers and weeds atop my roof, they grew from the rain that you watered. They give me hope. They give me a sense of that my aching bones and ailing organs will serve as fertilizer for the flowers you grow. And I am okay with that.

I kneel in a field of wheat grass
catching grasshoppers.

I scoop underhand into my jar, another
at the height of its jump, a third.

I put my jar by the stream, pull one
out and I grab it, force my barbed steel
hook through the belly still trembling.

I cast long loops of line into the drift
below rocks where current
froths and whirls.

I stand mechanically slightly ashamed, uncomfortable on that shaded bank
where trout strike hard.

I let them swim, then hold fast, reeling one, exhausting him, wrenching him
into air, his tail drumming against the sky.

Hanging  from the line
his fat belly flinches.

All his life of riding rapids, hiding
in flats embraced by waters’ fast flow,
by red rainbows in his scales.

I didn’t expect that open mouth,
that whiteness, the gills stop twitching,
the eyes caught in that open stare.

He was
     my favorite book
           Few pages could bring tears  
                   in the corners of my eyes
                            unknowingly. Softly
                                
                         Most of them
              could make my heart
     smile widely
                
I touched every pages
        every words behind words
                     My soul craved to read him
                             for a thousand times over
                        My solitude ached for him
    like Sunflowers missing the Sun

There is a house,
Inside there is a man,
This man is dead,
He is death.
He awaits for his call
To come out
And visit us all,
Sometimes he does not wait
When we make the tragedy of living short
And we cheat Mr dead
By doing his job for him.
We visit his house,
Tired of love,
Sick of it all.
He doesn't mind,
It's good to receive visitors from time to time

I’m 5’9”, loud and strong. 

I’ve got big hair, perfect brows and a straight back.

I radiate confidence, sexuality and metaphorical balls as my curvy hourglass figure walks with purpose down the street.

My attitude says “There’s nothing I can not do.”

My eyes say “You wanna fight? I’m ready.”

To them, I’m a lioness. 

I protect all that is mine — except from myself. 

Behind the facade, I am small. 

Behind my words, I am afraid. 

Behind my sunglasses, my eyes are wet. 

And under my luxury lingerie, I am naked, just like my soul is when I’m writing.

I’m not who they think I am, are you?

she understands my heart
she is forgiving
she is kind
she holds me when I don't know why I'm crying
she listens while I try my best to explain why I'm scared, or why I'm anxious, or why I'm sad, or why something means so much to me
and then she never forgets to say, "I'm always here, if you want to talk more"
she has the best taste in music
she got me in the habit of taking my medicine every day
she takes care of me, and pretty much everything else
she cleans the litter box when I'm in too much pain, even though she hates dealing with shit
she even deals with my crazy family

I love her because
she encouraged me to go to all the doctors when I was scared and in denial that I was getting sick
and now
she drives me to every appointment, she sits with me,
waits with me,
and then sometimes she speaks for me because she knows what it sounds like when articulation fails me, and my words get all caught up in my brain, confused on which order to come out

I love her because
she's my good feeling
she makes my stomach flip
she's my favorite smell
she kisses me with soft lips and care
she has little ears and freckles and the best damn smile you've ever seen

I love her because
when I was awful, she loved me
when I was lost in the darkest nights, she made my mind a better place

I love her because I used to spend weeks in storms of dark, listening to sad music and writing sad poetry

and now I write things like this
and listen to ridiculous happy fun music with her and we sing like fools
and she says "thanks for doing life with me"
and I have never been more at peace

I have made mistakes in the past
I have been broken
I thought you are ready to leave
Yet I was forgiven

I was desperate for love
Been desperately giving myself away
I thought you are ready to leave
Yet I was still forgiven

I told you too many lies
Even While looking at your eyes
I thought you are ready to leave
Yet I was still forgiven

I told you I cannot trust
To them it was nothing but lust
I thought you are ready to leave
Yet I was still forgiven

I didn't believe that you love me
Yet I was still forgiven
I'll be nothing but a misery
Yet I'll still be forgiven

I have disabled myself,
Thinking about you.
Forty three self induced bruises
to the head, to the head
Forty five, forty six

I got that vibe,
That feeling from you.
I start my appointment
At eight thirty two,
Thirty three, thirty four.

Forty eight, forty nine.

It is not the cure
That will help this,
But only you.
Thirty five, thirty six.

Fifty two, fifty three.

So I try to get you
Out of my head...

Fifty two, fifty three.
So that I can be free.

I have disabled myself
Thinking about you,
But now that I am free,
I don't know what to do.

Dear love ,

You've given me your trust.
But I haven't......

You showed me the right path.
But I didn't.........

You named me Lily in your garden.
But I wasn't pure and devoted you..
As you thought. ........

You said I'm key to your happiness.
But I threw the key ...
Far away............

You gave me your love
But I faked mine......

You left me
But why I'm always thinking about you. ......
Why I'm shedding tears when I look at your pictures....

And now I'm missing you
Your smiles, your touch
Just,
Everything about you........

I wanted to be in your arms.
But it's different now....

I know my second chance with you will never come.
All I have given you is pain and agony.

You deserve someone who truly loves you.
Not the fake love which I have given....

Not all stories have happy ending.
And its time to end our story too.

Now, I'm letting you go......

I'm moving on.......

Goodbye......

I needed you
so horribly badly that my soul began unstitching fragments of the reality we had, looking for you.
So madly, my ribcage was barely able to keep my lungs from breaking out, in search of your breath.
Will you forgive me when I choose the most utter simplicity in order to stay alive?
I swear I will return,
but in the meantime,
bear in mind that a drunken heart is way too heavy for a butterfly to carry.

She is not pretty.
Her face is an average face; normal, common, ordinary. She have too big eyes, a nose that is a little bit too small, and slightly crooked teeth.
She is not pretty, and she does not mind.

Her heart isn't kind.
Isn't caring nor warm, but it is not bitter. It is a heart. Beating strong and pulsing with life. It is too tight, sometimes. Hurting her when she wanted to breathe. Most of the time she lives with the feeling of death but her heart is alive and so is she.

People asked her if she is capable of love.
They never get their answer because it is not their business what her heart can or cannot do.
She loves, barely and hesitantly. A child walking for the first time, falling down and keeps getting up.
She loves like she is dying.

Kindness isn't inherent in her,
but the autumn and pumpkin latte taste bright on her tongue, scalding and burning. She tried crying one night, but the mold would not broke (or it's already broken and she does have enough to care).

People whispers about her, she does not care.
Labels are pinned unto her back and she walks like life isn't just boxes with tags slapped on it. She walks like life is life and nothing more. They are scared of her, murmuring about her normal skin; how she can walk like she is deaf to the world.

They are afraid because she held the secret that they want so bad to devour.
"what is your deal?" "Why won't you smile?"
"Are you even human?" (howcanyouloveyourselfwhenyouarentspecialprettywhenyouarejustcomm­onandaveragehowhowhowhowho-)

She does not stand out, standing out means to fit in. She knows that to fit in means dying. And she is in love with life to let go, too in love to care that she is nothing and not special because she isn't. How can she be more than what she is when life is miraculous and a wonder and so so so much more than she could ever be in a lifetime.

She is not pretty, and she is okay with that.
Because she knows that there is so much more in life than beauty.

-nabs

It's dark beneath my skin
I'm shivering
          Shivering from the
                    cold
My skin is falling from my bones
          Torn
                    and old
Stone fingers turn to dust
Wooden teeth leave splinters
          Like jagged
                    strangers
          tracing my skin
                    in the night
Transparent eyes
          Glazed
                    with sugar
          Blue
                    and white
Black blood pouring
          From my mouth
                    like literature
It's here to stay
          All of it
                    is here to stay
Coat your hands in tar
          Or
                    feel tears
          Heavy
                    on your hands
          Heavy
                    on your heart
Keep your eyes closed
          If
                    you want
          to see me
                    breathing
I'm here
          Ready with
                    my lips
          and my chest
                    seething

I've never been able to get good sleep.
My eyes darker than black holes, I spiral down.
I try to clamber up, but I'm in way too deep.

Daydreaming at night.
The loss of myself, but very aware of my state of mind.
Release is only found within the sunrise.
Every night I stumble on the moon.
I jump star to meteor, hoping gravity pulls me into the space between. Maybe then I can get some real good sleep.

History book worthy battles, I wonder who will be the victor.
Love or loath; a sword drawn to my heart.
Arms apart, head thrown back.
I'm not even entirely sure what part of me I'm killing, I'm just praying for relief, I just want some sleep.

I was sick of the suffering, autopilot is my new definition of personality.
Memories have turned into sadistic nightmares.
Let me free myself from this close eyed, open mind torture.
I cant even stand to walk around my own mind, silence is full of beasts I have yet to slay.    
I'd rather hide in the wounded parts of me, call myself a survivor.
A survivor of nothing out of the ordinary.

I see the darkness of my space,
I feel the depth of mind.

I think on time and how to trace
the future for my kind.

I live the past and days disorder
talking to your ghost.

Then I drift beyond the border
with my dreamy host.

Thinking on the beauty of the gift
that was bestowed.

Tripping through the rift
with humans thinking something's owed.

I dwell on past and futures sold
and how to face the day.

I feel the rhythm getting old
when midnight turns to gray.

I hear the silence constant chatter
rattle in my brain.

And how our souls might vaguely matter on a different plane.

I daze in darkness of your dawn,
I taste your mystery.

I can not slow the ride I'm on
to seize my destiny.

I hear the planet passing by
as colors dance in view.

I think on death of you and I
and people that I knew.

I lay in bed awake at night
and race through memory.

I think on breath beyond our sight
and my humanity.

feel the muscles tensing there
softly hear my praises sing
raise my pulse, and pull my hair--
my body is a loving thing.

touch my neck: its hairs will raise
feel my goosebumps spread;
if your lips on mine should graze
i shall never join the dead.

but to you i'm only skin
and all my tears are not enough
to baptize me from how you've sinned
and how you took advantage, love.

852

Apology for Her
Be rendered by the Bee—
Herself, without a Parliament
Apology for Me.

"When you're lonely,
what do you do?"
"I take pictures
of my favorite places."
"But why do you
keep taking
pictures of the same spots?"
"Because sometimes,
I wish
you'd appear
in one of them."

With open minds and eager eyes,
We think naïve thoughts
And read cliché quotes.

But our thoughts are troubled
With damaged dreams,
And heavy hearts.

Nothing seems demeaning.
Everything looks sensualising.
Yet, only a few of us are dominating.
Those familiar hallways mean more than you think.

They say we don’t know real pain,
That our life is merely a game.

We are teenagers.
Our game is complex and cruel.
They wouldn’t stand a chance.

The least-loved actor on the stage,
She is as beautiful as the moon

... and just as pale.

She stands alone in the spotlight,
Surrounded by darkness

... with the courage to feel.

She is real, honest and truthful,
In this theatre of shadows and lies

... her tears are no act.

Dear Daddy

You put your hand on my leg in the movies.

I wanted you to stop.

You hugged me.

I wanted you to stop.

You smiled at me.

I wanted you to stop.

Imagine being afraid of a stranger,

Imagine that stranger was your father.

Signed your 8 year old daughter.

when i say i love you
i mean thank you
thank you for loving me
even knowing my past
thank you for treating me
like i never knew i deserved
and thank you for being with me
for i know it's not easy