There was no end
in our ending.

FLASH

"the exposure looks kinda funny"
"maybe just adjust the aperture a bit"
"add in the lighting"
"is the white balance set?"

the chair squeaks as it moves to the left
the weight shifts the couch in their direction
heat radiates from the family
whose fake smiles are nearly as blinding as the flash from the camera
despite the tripod, the camera sits off kilter
like the uneasy tension in the room
it feels hot--no, sweltering
unsettled emotions sit like
discarded mail
away and out of sight

CLICK

"Okay, we're good"

and the family heads off in their separate ways
with no goodbyes for the others

Sometimes I tell people things just because I have no one I want to tell
At the end I do wish I kept it to myself
But I don’t have a bestie
So it’s like I talk to myself
I have these secrets and exciting news to myself
I want to share
But to my bestie
To bad my bestie is no one
So I’ll tell anyone

Distance
does not
make the
heart
grow fonder.
Instead
the love becomes
weary the mind
makes
mistakes
out of fear.

Distance makes
the heart
estranged
and the world
is enveloped
in a thick
black
fog.
While you
are nowhere
to be found
you said
you’d try but
you haven’t,
and neither
have I.

Forgetfulness
and ignorance
the heart is loud
its beat
pulsing forever
becomes quiet.
You cannot
hear my heart
from wherever
you are
so far away
I can’t hear
yours either

I cupped my hands
behind my ears
trying
but distance
makes the heart
grow weary
tired
gone

Here we are
Two not-so-strangers
Used-to-be friends
Lives overlapping

Pretending we're over it.

Your eyes asked me
what Your mouth was
brave enough not to dare

“Have we met before?
because I think I know You from somewhere. ”

Her eyes
reflect my moon.
In her eyes
it's always full.

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m ****** –”
I know it sounds ******,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

the nectar of love
only comes with
the poison of pain,
two
for the exorbitant price of one

standing
at the chasm
of life and death
destroyed by love
grief remains
as life’s sole friend

the memories of love
now
belong to time
and this aging body
to the five elements.

© 2019

Both can ****
        The only difference is
                      Cigarettes shatter lungs
         She shatters everything

            I remembered the first moment
my lips pressed the filter
     as I lit it up breathed it all
                savored every smoke
       as if we covered up painful lies
        in a container of painkillers

The same way  
we used to pressed our lips
     sparked something between us
           savored every moment we had
    as if our love was a rose
               in a valley of tulips

I'm done. I was hurt. I foolishly cared. Now I dont.
Done.

A tap, a clap
Silence broken
Eternity fractured
Time created
We remembered
Before, After.

Another tap, or clap
Fragment of Time
Captive in mind
Measuring Tempi
Marking Rhythms
Without Memories, no Music.

i see the flyer at starbucks

"are you caucasian?
without mental health
and drug problems?"

wow
i don’t know the answer to any of these questions
is a jew a caucasian?
is the occasional *****, ****-slamming drunken rampage
a drug problem?
as for mental health
i’m a deadbeat poet and unpopular pop musician
i’ve got a job fighting death and boredom
and i just changed my facebook password to "eat ****"
my frustrations have driven weaker souls to homicide
but are these PROBLEMS?

I can’t run.
I can’t hide.
And I sure as ****,
Can’t stay here.

so I noticed that we both drink coffee.
just like anyone, we both like ours a certain way.
i like mine sweeter, with just the aftertaste of coffee there.
caramel, sugar, creamer.
i think about when i’ll have my next cup, and the idea of it alone makes me happy.
i don’t care what time of day i have it, i almost always have a cup.
i make time for my coffee.
it might be safe to say i think you like your coffee black.
you might add just the smallest touch to soften its bitter taste, but never too much.
sometimes i think you just pour it and carry on, as though it’s nothing important at all.
as though all it is, is just some quick fix.
like you just want to get it over with.
we drink it in two different ways.
i drink it slowly.
i note every flavor in every sip, i enjoy it.
i note the warmth it brings me.
i like it all hours of the day.
you drink it quickly.
quicker than me, at least.
you don’t care if it burns your tongue, or perhaps you’re used to the pain.
you accept it.
you never let it last, you move on to something else soon after.
i lay in your bed, watching your eyes as they skim the screen in front of you.
your mind is somewhere else.
i savor the moments you look my way, if even for a second, and smile at me.
i wonder if you even notice them.
i feel your laugh vibrate my bones, making the hair on my arms stand on end.
do i make you feel at all?
i reflect on it every time i drink my coffee.
i think about it with each and every sip, taking my time.
something tells me that you don’t do the same.
after all, it's just coffee.
but i put my all into this coffee.
i think you like your coffee black.

the waves crash as i look back at you
a moment of pure inhibition
i am unable to contain
the feelings bottled up inside of me
like a ship waiting to be pulled out of the glass that captures it
captivated by the waves
or by the flicker in your eyes

After being painted over
In only black and blue

When we split in the Spring
I carried on I bloomed

No longer recognizing
Such vibrant hues

I flourished more beautifully
Without you

begin again
look for the lipstick
look for the cuffed sleeves
look for my sanity

fall back
missing you comes in waves
i can’t tell exactly when it
first knocked me off my feet

a familiar pain

it’s okay if you’ve got nothing to say
cause i said what i needed to
it’s okay if you run away
cause i know where to find you

if my mind was the universe
thoughts of you
would be the stars that fill it
endless
countless
beyond measure

she was the moon
radiating the night sky
and dancing among the stars

you were the darkness
the shadow that waxed and waned
through the phases of her life

she grew to believe
that your presence
is what made her whole

but like the full moon
she shone brightest
without you


x.

It’s uncomfortable
Never felt desired or wanted
Nothing to offer
Thank you for the kind words
It won’t bring me back
Nothing to solve it’s just facts
Save your love for someone else
No need for another Im learning to love myself

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

sometimes I feel like your beautiful doll
dressed in silk dressed hand picked for me
rose colors engraved into my cheeks
a painted smile
and I dance for you
just how you want it
cause at the end of the day
you control every movement I make
you are my puppet master

I talk to Alexa politely
And say thank you.

I am sorry for cursing the GPS
but you have gotten much better.

i have never smashed a computer
only the keyboard.

I have tried patiently to explain
a door cannot be a jar.

I worried for you during Y2K
And always updated your software

Please remember that I wrote this
before you were all knowing and sentient

When I look at you,
I don’t see darkness
I don’t see rain
I don’t see pain

When I speak to you,
I don’t feel sadness
I don’t feel neglect
You always show respect

When I think of you,
It gives me strength
Because you’re so bright
My brightest light

When I dream of you,
I find myself in your arms
Right where I belong
Right where I feel strong

When I fell in love with you,
I knew it was true
Because you drowned my sorrows
And now I can see tomorrow

I am at the peak of success
I am feeling great
Not happy
Because I am lonely at this peak

i write tragedies
not sonnets
i'm as dark
as the night
my soul
holds sadness
grunge
is my aesthetic
and cheery
is not in my vocabulary

Why does everyone else laugh at the jokes,
That I find not funny?

Why does no one else laugh at the things,
That I find to be funny?

Why does everyone else seem to have a perfect life,
While I do not?

Why does everyone else seem to be so happy,
When I'm trying not to cry?

Why does everyone make everything seem so easy
When I stumble over my words?

Why does everyone else seem to have everything
While I'm still searching for happiness?

Why does everyone seem to be loved,
While I crave the feeling?