Have you ever felt
you loved someone that
you hated the person?

Have you ever felt
you knew everything that
you knew nothing?

Have you ever felt
the overwhelming happiness and grace that
you manifested signs of sadness?

Have you ever felt
the burning heart inside
though you are soaked outside?

Feeling feelings,
i do not fully understand
what they are
but they color the blank sheet of life –

Away and hidden
So fearful are we of our creator
That we deny His very existance

Further down and away
We delve to prove He cannot be
That we are all that is
And that we alone control all fate

Inward and outward we grow aware
The cosmos fills our minds
On every perceivable scale

In our great effort to undo our creator
We find Him both in heaven and on earth
In the pure order of creator we see Him
Witness Him and despair

As they did in that ancient garden
Hiding in their nakedness so many ages ago
Witness Him and despair

For His wrath is close at hand

Dissected a rainbow,
  but found no riddle between.

Three lights shining;
  green, red, and blue.
Tranquil white endured.

Acrylic paints running;
  green, red, and blue.
Calm black endured.

Realization occurred;
  Colors united gives
  colors divided.
Why has this incurred?

The calf needs to suckle milk.
The farmer wants to sell it.
The farmer has a sharp knife
and a captive bolt gun.
The calf has wobbly legs
and wide set innocent eyes.
We get the milk
and the calf gets slaughtered.

So much energy
declines belonging
trapped inside this
bundle of live wires
tangle
bleeding
like the pulse of streetlights
in the glow of my window
driving down the highway
a feeling I look to outrun

I opened up to you,
about my struggles, my destructive behaviors
and you said just don't do it.
If i could "just not do it",
I wouldn't have any secrets to be sharing with you.
I wouldn't be so depressed that I needed you.

There was a baby girl in her bassinet
Her mother had not awoken yet
Sometime in the night
Death passed over, a terrible flight

Death passed over, a terrible flight

Her soul did take wing
Her tent, left behind
When mom, she did awake
Her heart trembled a horrible quake

A horrible quake

For in the cocoon of safety
In her swaddling was wrapped
The reaper did visit, silently
Quietly, quietly he swung his scythe

He swung his scythe

To the home was I summoned
To investigate for foul play
Four weeks old with wild hair
Laying as still as she did lay

Laying still as she did lay

A mother gently weeping for her loss
My mouth shut with her grief
Normal by all sight, no foul play
My mouth shut with her grief

The reaper is a thief

Of this I could not partake
Never get involved, the burden don’t take
But the mother’s grief
It was too hard to ignore

It was too hard to ignore

I picked up the baby to check thoroughly
A beautiful girl, her tiny face, soft and free
Rigor had visited, she felt so cold
As if her sleep was still nearby

As if her sleep was still nearby

In my heart I wanted to cry
Why did the little one die?
Some things make no sense
It wasn’t natural, but it was

No, it wasn’t natural, but it was

The girl I could never have
A girl to raise of my own
Her body quiet and stiff
My eyes did tear, my nose did sniff

My eyes did tear, my nose did sniff

The smell of death started setting in
The blood does spoil with an odor
What can you do?  What can you say?
I held the baby, I did cry, I did pray

I held the baby, I did cry, I did pray

Her soul escaped in a flutter
During the night it took flight
Was she watching? This I thought
Under the altar of the martyred lay she

Under the altar of the martyred lay she

no –
i'd fall with you
coursing headfirst and abreast through the clouds
with graceful reckless abandon
we'll live a supersonic life
& go out with a boom
like a pair of
supernovae

☀ ☀

You asked me which flowers to buy, and I wanted to sit there and die.

hurt me a little more
if it makes you happy.

If the sand meets the sea
will you cry softly with me
If the ocean stays blue
will you remain loyal and true
If the sky floats above
will you forever be my love
even on my worst days

i dream often
that i cannot move
or move s l o w l y
unseen and
unheard
breath a
struggle.

The truth is that I liked you from the start...
The truth is ,I can't imagine us apart..
The truth is ,it feels like someday I'll be left with a broken heart..
The truth is that I've always wanted to tell you...
The truth is that if I do,will u still see me the same?
The truth is ,I keep wondering if I leave ,will u still remember my name...
The only lie I told, is that I like you...
Cause The truth is that I'm deeply in love with you ...

I'm tired of trying
i just don't think
I can do this anymore
with all of my pain
tell me what's keeping me out the door
i just don't know anymore

if its too much too handle
my heart breaks everyday
and its always the same'
tell me why nothing ever changes
for me

living life in this sick reality
i want to wake up
but this isn't a dream

its a nightmare
and im a prisoner
locked and cant find the key

its the one thing
thats keeping me from leaving

I go through the empty actions every day...
Am I dead or alive?
I fake every smile and force every laugh...
Am I dead or alive
I feel nothing but hopelessness, sadness, and guilt
Am I dead or alive
I cut my skin to numb the pain
Am I dead or alive
My greatest desire is to cease to exist...
I guess I’m more dead than alive

All of my best
(And worst) thoughts
Can be traced
Back to a foreign city
Where I walked the streets
Alone, at night

~
The sun was bright
Shining my life with light
Then the storm came
Now there’s  just rain
~

i held you for a night
and now things are different

what changed?

I don't feel special,
I'm not unique.
I want to cry
but I can't even speak.
My hands reach out,
but they cannot hold
a single thing
but the bitter cold.
Everything's frozen,
I feel lost.
Even my tears
have turned to frost.
When I cut my waist
it bleeds black.
I'm so deeply gone
there's no way back.
This is goodbye

We were not meant to be friends
But somehow we became
But becoming is not enough
And we have failed to maintain

I always felt there was something
Missing from my heart
A gap found within my being
My soul with a missing part

I wonder if it will become complete
Or if a part of me is destined to be lost
Did a thief come to steal it at night
And sell it at no cost

Used to being incomplete
And knowing no other way
I eventually stopped searching
And felt that I would be okay

But silently I heard
The lost piece sing
Crying out my name
In the depths of the wind

Where do I go to watch the flowers bloom?
Or not feel alone in a crowded room?
Can I reach the stars?
Or is it too far?
Am I getting back some of my lost heart?
I want to find a better piece of mind,
But it always feels like I’m running out of time.
I wish I didn’t spend so much time fearing my demise.
But I can never feel alive unless there’s sunlight.
So why do I spend my time alone with the moon?
It only gives way for more gloom to consume.
I guess I just need to figure out what to do.
Until I can travel among the sunrise into a brighter hue.

You make time for the people you care for
So, what if you don't?
Does it mean you don't care for them?
Does it mean they are less important than what you are doing?
What if you have a bad way of expressing your true emotions?
You don't ignore the people you love
What if you ignore them because you're trying to figure out what to say?
What if you feel like you have nothing to say?
You shouldn't leave people guessing
Has anyone ever stopped to think what if I'm just as confused?

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

it’s a beautiful thing
this day and age
with bubbling permafrost
with drug-resistance
with obesity treatments
with technological advancements
with scientific discoveries
with silent wars
with blue lava
with bleeding glaciers
with divorce
with sensitivity
with my generation
of people believing
this new generation
is completely and
utterly clueless as a
common occurrence

but let’s think about
what these kids are
into nowadays.

let’s think about who
invented these inane
things for the kids.

my generation of people.

so the kids of today are
the ones who are ******
for liking the things
that we’ve created?

I’m sorry but we have to
be the ones who are obtuse
for believing such things,
oblivious for not
realizing them and
showing the world
we have
little or no imagination
anymore.

the generation before us
has lied to us and
thought us to lie
to the generation
after.

whether it’s the gods
or holidays
or what not.

the youth of the today
are autonomous.
they can not take
responsibility for
their actions nor do
they understand and
just go along
with the trends,
much like,
all the generations
before them
but we need a scapegoat
to cover up our own
farce implementations.

the truth of the matter is..
we’re all a little vacuous
in our own way
especially the ones with
an answer for everything.
living in an imperfect world
where there’s always room
for improvement
nothing for us
or against us
wrapped up in our
congratulatory
self-contradictory
and illogical theories
and as useless as
exploding appendix.

the lost generation
the interbellum generation
the silent generation
the baby boomers
generation x
the millennials

a strong admixture
of imbecility and
self-assurance
filled with belief
and unawareness
to a senseless world

like hate
like blame
like gossip
like jealousy
like being offended
like being impressive
like the punk rock dream
like hospital waiting rooms
like fundraisers and charity events
like your co-worker to the right and
the left of you
and their families
and their families before
them

our greatest creation
our strongest aide

to deconstruct