I spent 83 days wondering why
1,992 hours crying
And 7,171,200 seconds dying a little more inside

I can't say I'm sorry for what happened before
I left because
I didn't matter to you anymore

Smootly flows
my wild nature
made of wind and fire
under my skin

Always like the light

Always like the light
Of a star, flickering,
You are becoming
While you are,
Surrounded
By night so silent
You cannot even
Hear a wing beat.
Or the throbbing
Of your own heart.
Around you the smell,
Rotting and sweet,
Like autumn leaves
Of memories.

Harald Edwin Pfeffer 29-7-2021

If tomorrow never comes for me
If I shall not wake in the morning
Would you know I love you
Would you know I care

This age
         Of the end justifies
  The lie and reality
        Is what you say enough
              Loud  proud
      
No matter

I’d rather sleep when it’s sunny
And wake when it rains
I’d rather trade all my new clothes
For the ones already stained
I’d rather watch people from a distance
Than get in their way
And I’d rather be the one leaving
So all others could stay

Take air from my lungs
And give flight to the birds
Take sight from my eyes
And leave me with words
Take dreams from my heart
Contentment to bleed
But leave all of your nightmares
They are safer with me

I used to read your poems
but lately you don't write
you're silent and aloof
you know that isn't right.
You can't close a door once opened
you can't abolish all your dreams
you're a poet of the heart
mustn't fall apart at the seams.
Say what you can in words
they speak the message true
spoken from the heart
the poems will see you through.
A hermit's not your style
a recluse, you are not
never give up writing
of things that you've been taught.
I used to read your poems
I'd read them once again
if you would send them out
(this one's from a poet friend)

Dealing with too many things
Overwhelms and confuses me
All the work and even social media tossed aside
Wondering when will I ever be let free

All the humiliating words become a burden
To only worsen my mental mind
Suffocating through stress and anxiety
With only the feeling of escaping society

Challenging against ADHD, Anxiety and Depression.
Is already a big fight, asking for help just seems like I'm a burden or just weak.
All I could afford to do is smile and not worry anyone
If only life was easy to be undone

The smell of new rain
permeates the air
the first heavy drops raise little puffs of dust
in the dirt.
Covered porches protect her
from the storm outside
and the dread inside
where benign neglect reigned
ennui and death strained
children’s hearts
threatened to pull apart
the joy sleeping in their wondrous souls
that lived beyond the confines
of the dark brooding grip of family
inside the ancestral home.

I don’t want to
Open my mouth
Because I’m still afraid
The truth might come out
And if it does
If it really breaks free
You’ll see what I am
You’ll see the true me
The one I hide
With jokes and lies
I’m a terrible person
All jokes aside
You don’t seem to know it
You don’t seem to see
Even a glimpse of that person
That I know to be me
I’m such a good actress
I hide it so well
Cover it with a laugh
And you’ll never tell
You see depth in my eyes
You see love and emotion
But what would you see
If I ever did open
I can’t bear to find out
I can’t bear to show
The me you don’t see
The me that I know
If I let it out
If I let it be
I know for a fact
That you would hate me.

I felt so
tired
from the summer
heat
that I ended
up
sleeping all-day
long.

613 200 Hours
25 550 Days
13 Cars
11 Jobs
9 Dogs
6 Surgeries
5 Children
4 Grandchildren
3 Marriages
2 Siblings
1 Weary soul.
No regrets.

To finish your own life by hand,
May seem like the right thing to do.
But to free yourself from this land,
Is to imprison those that love you.

It is very hard
to make money
but
it is too easy
to spend money

so

It makes money
for myself
but
it spends it
for my neighbours

Even 0.01%.

They said,
"The most beautiful art is
looking into someone's eyes
when they talk about the
things they love."
And I said,
"Or looking at someone you love.
Or maybe, just maybe,
by looking at the mirror
is the most beautiful art
anyone should appreciate."

That dream so real don't want it to end
Able to enjoy work being a regular
Being in charge takes its toll over time
Wanting to be normal not complicated
Be able to be free not on a schedule
He was in the shower thinking about life
The water rising his burdens away
An argument played out in his head
He knew it wouldn't play out accordingly
This moment would arrive unaware
A fuse would burn out not able to speak
Made him uncomfortable imploding within
Unable to comprehend words
Didn't like confrontation from control freaks
All he wanted was to be upbeat and chill
Made out to be the bad guy and monster

So many poems
and stories
have gone unwritten
due to fear of not being good enough

She said "I'm falling in love."

I said "I'm falling apart."

The moonlight falls onto my skin,
Silver and rippling
And I feel a semblance of peace.
I close my eyes
To let it all in
And let it all go.
My eyes glisten
With the reflection
Or tears perhaps.
I find I don’t care which.
Because peace is precious,
Peace and a certain kind of silence.
Not the lonely kind,
The suffocating kind.
Just the silence of calm.
I allow myself hope for a moment
That everything could be ok,
That I might be ok.

I think I found my soulmate
A long time ago
But I hurt her
And now we’re lost
Still connected by an invisible thread
Tangled and taunt
We walk away from
Each other
But really I still feel her
And I know
She feels me too

I saw you
Through the screen
On that second
Why did I think
It was meant to be

Now read from bottom to top.

Toxic together
They both want it to work out
Love is so unfair

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

How many poems about broken people will I write
Before I realize that I, too, am fragmented.
Equally, if not more liable for the war zones I have called love.

your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

When I only get to taste
The feeling of you
In my dreams

But now, I can hardly sleep

I can't see you
In person
And
In dreamland

I met a woman
brutal in her mercy.

Her embrace was a clinch
to prevent hard blows.
She pulled me close to push me away.
Seeing my nakedness
she leant me a dream
of chainmail and shield.
Taking love from me she gave a reprieve
to a mind resigned to the slow death of feeling.

Ignoring my words she heard
my faint silent heartbeat and
understood that it was music
too quiet for the world to hear
and turned it up louder
than I could stand.
I wept in my deafness
as she danced.

i.

papa... I cry
I am only good for the evening
I am not a prayer I am a ******
I am not the banyan tree
you planted
- I am an eternal yawn
yawning before you
papa come back to me
to tell me I am god
my notebooks are covered
in decal stickers, hearts
hearts and teary eyed girls
hearts     you    sunk a pike through
Papa! Papa, come back to me
                                                     will you
will you

ii.

I was 13
I was

13


and ugly
she was ugly
I is ugly?
she is stupid
she is ugly
my teeth are straight now
and I am
pretty
       again
I am pretty

was 13
was 13

why are you
crying?
you wake in the night crying
I am here
I am here don’t cry
don’t cry
papa don’t cry
papa don’t cry
i love you

iii.

the last summer I wanted to **** myself so bad
I tried it first with just some pills
than I thought i’d rent out a carbon monoxide tank
it costs 100$ and i think it’s funny
that it costs that much to

what
papa I would never leave you
you left me first though

iv.

somedays I am sleeping on land
and what is between my legs does not define me
time has never heard of me
I am beyond time
I am fire and earth
god crafted me on the pottery wheel
and he cursed me with a heart
and he told
he whispered
feel, feel, feel


v.
I am a tree in my past life

I am weak again and I cry
it is the low wailing of my soul
my loving roots set fire by fiends
they’ve wandered my fields and
eaten my fruits
and killed me again for
wood

but I do not mind them
it’s god shining in their faces too
i think

he asks me laughing
can you love me now?
when I am the one ripping and tearing
away at your soul
when I am setting aflame your peach trees
and raspberry meadows?

and through my acetic tears
I sob yes, yes

yes I can

I love you

I sob - I - I

i

you


vi.

my bedroom of grief
my kitchen of happiness
you barged in and tore down the wallpaper

I am not speaking my silence
i am living it
far off land
my roses are centuries old
they have ripped from the stems
they will grow
grow
grow

again and again.