my way to say,
present, in Wonderland.

present in your life when least expected,
no qualifying reassurance reason,
and best!
dessert-deserved more than the rest of the days

prefer to have a postman ring twice,
imagining the look on your confused face,
the genuine life velocity wholeheartedly surprised,
the tickling happiest angst of wondering why...

the present of presence is selfish, me-gleeful,
good for the soul, and the surprise message,
for my presence is all the greater by my absence,
well, it tickles that warm spot you almost forgot about
that no rowed columnar calendar manager can pretend provide

that’s what is all about...
(and stop grinning already)
the unexpected, the ******* jack wondering,
the whys grows lesser,  
the message très simple:
the no reason season of surprise,
starts with a daily sunrise..  

C'est la vie au pays des merveilles


postscript
————-
(Holiday and Birthday wishes/presents are now de rigeur, obligatory,
forgetting unacceptable, even as a date’s meaning grow less significant,
now that we’re on Facebook to be advised by AI that controls it & destroys simultaneously,
the reduction of the remembering quality of life)

you've been stuck in that cage for so long
you forgot what it's like to be out there
fresh air hurts your lungs
but you don't want to get back inside
it was cruel and lonely
you almost forgot to speak
you almost forgot to feel
there was no one to torture you but yourself
means no one to save you, too

Betrayal
disappointment
disrespect
they're
the prices
that
we pay
when
we
imagine
Eden

to not have deep emotions,
because even when she feels nothing
she can feel it completely."

Good girl will forget
                 the mistakes you've made
Good girl will forget
                 the tears she'd shed
Good girl will forget
                 how many women you've laid
Good girl will forget
                 that night she bled

he who is content
is rich.
only good intent,
i'm witch.
i wish on stars and crystals,
high pitched
like whistles.
brushing through the ripples
like bristles.
-
wavy,
90s baby,
i say mad
and you say crazy,
i say maybe.
im busy riding wave lengths
surfing time,
i know that everything is first to seek
and then to find.

keep your eyes closed love.

           e     t      
       m           i
    o                 m
s                        e  
                            s     all you have to
                                                                ­
                                                                ­ l                  is to what the sound
                                                           ­      i            n
                                                  ­                s           e
                                                               ­          t

                                                              ­                               v
                                                               ­                         a        e
                             ­                                          of the  w               s
                                                               ­                                       
                         ­                                                                 ­            tells  you
                                                                ­                                        to do.

my grip is slipping,
and falling scares me.
my world is fading away.
h      
          e
                     l
                             p
       m
                 e

h
          e
                    l
                          ­     p
          m
                     e

writing was an escape but even now words slip off the paper like tear drops.

Looking for someone to fight to have me
Reward: me

I find myself drawn to you
In your eyes I can drown myself in
In your smile I find comfort in
In your arms I find forever with

If I’m dreaming, please don’t wake me up
If this is real, I want to fall
Into you, into your gravity
To immerse myself into your totality

I'm not "smart" like them.

I'm not "bright" as them.

I'm not "confident" like them.

I'm not "beautiful" as them.

I'm not "someone" like them.

Can you just accept that?

I don't like crying myself anymore

-Said myself in the mirror.

Boy,its just another day,
So, will you smile today!

Do you want to talk about my depression because you want to feel like a good person,
Or because you'll actually listen?

Can we be honest,
is love real
or is it just a game
We all play?

And losers,
Lost everything.
Even the ability,
To love deeply.

Love me or hate me
Either way, you are thinking about me.

On days that I make it through the storm,
slow death looms over me.

The aftermath leaves nothing unturned.
I am the dead man walking.

Moments turn into an endless cycle
of mournful days without the sun.

Days, when getting up hurts more
because in my dreams is where I am alive.

Days, when reality is the grave I am buried in.
Days, when it hurts more to be alive.

if father time lent me the power
to rewind the minutes and hours
if seconds were mine
I’d run backwards in time
to be forever with you

if your kisses were everlasting
if desires and dreams became real
I’d keep every kiss, pressed on my lips
once more, to be forever with you

seems we spend our lives to search to find
the one true love of our lifetime
hard to find one
I’ve searched the world high and low
I'm one of the lucky ones I know
I found you

if falling stars granted my wishes
and all I long for became true
all the stars in the sky
would fall by your side
granting all wishes, wished only by you

seems we spend our lives to search to find
the one true love of our lifetime
hard to find one
I’ve searched the world high and low
I'm one of the lucky ones I know
I found you

silhouetted birds
pierce the sunrise
like a black dart
etching lines across
the blue and gold
of dawn

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

I think we have always been soulmates.

are farsighted? I’m splitting in two
in front of them, and still I can’t get
their attention. They walk over me like
I’m fallen leaves. I feel so used. I beg and

I plead for some relief. But they think it’s
my usual drama. So, I wear my steely armor
and smile. I’m not fooling anyone, least of all
myself. So, I hide in a bottle like a ship. And just like

the ship I can’t get out of the narrow
mouth. And there’s a cork at the head that won’t let
anything in. So, here I’m all alone by myself, which is
something I’m used to. And now since I’m split at the bow
I’ve no masts but two hulls.

It’s the kind of sadness where your rib cage
Contorts
And twists and
Snaps.

Depression doesn’t float through my veins
It crawls through my bones, with dagger hands
And winding movements.

I cannot breathe.

And yet there was nothing taken from me.

I'm not afraid to die
Just let me say goodbye

- sometimes I don't think I'm made for this world

i anchor
myself
to the back
of your mind
you wish
me away
but here
i still linger

all my life
i've been preparing faces
to meet the faces that
i've met

friends
family
the man who delivers newspapers
at our doorstep each morning

i've laughed at their silly jokes
as they tossed their heads from side to side
in naive stupidity and their sheer ignorance
a pompous lot, the human race i tell you

i've acknowledged their staunch morals
and tried to make them my own
as they scorned at the girl in a skimpy dress
and chewed on mutton bones gluttonously

all my life, i've been trying hard
to blend in
with people who've shown me
that i don't belong with them

and tonight when i shed gallons of tears
i have only my bed and pillow to share
i've learnt that my sadness
is my very own

You tend to me
in a way
no one else has before,
letting me grow
anew.

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

got to eat them as they darken
reddened ruby to black constant opal
berries will rot quickly if you don’t
or they’ll taste real gooey and wierdy
if you let the drupelets’ colors get
unsynchronized like summer and fall

...why am i telling you this?
because i learned that the hard way
and the days go away in the gleam
heavy showers and peak-a-boo sun
the east barely bracing for the storm
and the sweetness decaying like the leaves