I don't find limiting myself with a title,
There are no boxes left for me to fit in,
Or burst out of....
I find it's excitingly horrifying to be,
There's a similar difference between identity and persona,
I am what I am, am I?
What am I?
Do you think the men I have only half loved,
But stroked their meek egos of,
And the woman I have cowered at,
As they screamed my name,
Know what I am,
Is not who I am?
There is a solace to be found in being wanted;
Are you the one they fall to on a late night,
When they are alone and drunk?
What about when their beds are cold?
When they cannot see you because, they are blinded,
By their quest to find themselves more, and you,
Oh my sweet you,
Who is no one in this world,
Are a literally stepping stone in under their feet,
As you wish to be a moon in their stars.
What they don't tell you,
About surviving trauma when your brain is developing,
Is that your world turns to opposites,
Chaos is home
Drugs are home
Hate is home
Fear, is home;
Here secreted beneath my pallid skin,
I try to find them all a home,
Knowing I'll never find mine.
If self care and therapy was literal exercise,
I could bench press all of you, and more,
And save you all;
My motivation to not be broken is stronger than my will to die,
And they'll never know that,
As they try to break me,
Over and over, and over,
And over again.
No sorry, everyone has cracked edges,
Mishandled a few times
Not broken, slightly damaged.
We, the ones filled with gilded light, and songbirds,
We know the fucking difference between depression,
And eternal internal sadness,
From not understanding love, to
From seeking solace in the extreme,
To running away from arms that seek to confine.
Where for art fucking thou?
We are not here for your pleasure.
But we are.
How could we be, but anything else?
Driving too fast.
This isn't a shopping list.
It's. Not a bucket list.
It's what we do to survive,
When you're born without love.