these hard words

are the only fruit my hard-rocked soiled-soul produces,
my alliterations secrete no beliefs, quench nothing,
the poems I don’t write are my most successful,
the songs that comforted, now find no-entry orifice

skin cold wet clammy sweating unsuitable for tilling,
my horizons natural, felled, underground swallowed,
replaced by the man-made barriers, guardrails of words
leaving body, utterances shoutout, exiting non-permissioned

lurch from one guilt-carrying, black leather-straps wrapped,
round my arm, to the ones strapped around my temple,
honorable acts owed, responsibilities fear foundering
unfulfilled lists, griefs, signs of cowardice, badges shameful

deep sighs, open groans, me mean asking questions of myself,
laughed off, city noises turned off, silences of colorless colden,
the sirens loudest inside reverb endlessly, still give nothing away,
a final exam, an all sided, annual checkup reveals nothing but


these hard words

7:48am 10/15/19

Act Accordingly

Forget that which was said

and that which was done

by whom for what and why

and perhaps embrace

even  within yourself

that which you have not loved


squeeze,

      from every last second

a joy that drips

                 down your hands

as it over flows  

                     your cup

because with so little time

left

there is no concern of tomorrow

or yesterday


what freedom you now have



Today is your last

act accordingly

(even if it isn't)

it’s because it’s pouring
in my heart. If you don’t see
the pain in my eyes it’s because
the shades are drawn. They’ve

had to be to live in my
reality. If you don’t hear a word
from me it’s because my tongue is
tied inside my cheeks. If I don’t reach out

to you it’s because my shoulders
have fallen from the weight I’ve been
carrying along with me. You can take
stabs and guesses but you’ll never know

what it’s like to be me.

Beware of forgotten pasts
that hide behind shallow masks.
Their masquerade is a treacherous game
meant to strip you of any and all chance.
A friend, a foe, a vision of lies;
give them your fortune
and see where they lie.

Late at night
We hide under covers
Our bodies joined as one
Moving to the soundtrack
Of our raging hearts
But this is like a band-aid
To you I don't exist afterwords
Until you're itching to take it off

Will you be there?
When I lag behind.
Hoping someday
to leave all this mess behind.

Believe me when I tell you this,
I've tried everything.
Devil's the witness!!

Still on my last breathe
stuck with a human heart.
My eyes wandering around,
and you are nowhere to be found
but only in my heart!

Down by the willows
under the river currents
amongst the sunny highlands
lays the nest of the blue jay
swept by the airways
she swirls and dances,
she prances and jumps
until she hears the loon cry
in the summers of minty july

is it
or is it not
what I request
sometimes actually
is just not the best.

why is it
that this day weighs heavy on my mind
though nothing special has occurred
except the usual bad news
     of deaths and fighting and catastrophies
     greed and abominable politics

my private life is safe and fine
remote from all the global strife
it runs a fairly pleasant course
with just occasional disturbances

could that weigh heavily on my mind?

27
To most it’s just a number
To most it’s birthdays, anniversaries, and joyous events
To some it’s a painful memory of loss
A simple number with a lot of meaning
A simple number that once brought you happiness now brings sadness of something that once was
A once meaningless number
But now a number you’ll always remember

Butterflies are guides
Where trees cheer and air is fresh.
Our navels point there.

Blind to the beauty of the world,
he tenderly takes her hand
and brushes a kiss across it,
then blushes at his boldness.

Whatever she cherishes, he pounces
on to rationalize away into the ether.
It is Mars vs. Venus of the spirit.
But when blindness drives him
further inward, Venus invariably wins:

Her love cannot abide the boor,
the bore, the shamefully bold.

Colors swirl beneath eyelids
Humidity in the atmosphere
Raindrops in vivid dreams

Another restless night
For a restless soul
Filled with hopes

Wide eyes
And blurry scenery
Birds sing and crickets chirp

Why are you not there

It comes uninvited
I don’t have to be alone to feel it
In fact I’m surrounded by people right now and It’s there
You see these people are people
Not connected to me
And I do have friends
But I don’t feel gotten
I have my front to fit in
A side they like so I keep it there
But I’m not me
They don’t see me
For if they did then I’d truly be alone
— loneliness

Darkness;
I am asleep.

I awake slowly, half-heartedly
At a sound you make.

Quiet early exit,
Not wanting me
To wake.

Light
Creeps through
My window.

The sun rests itself awhile
On my wall.
Instant joy,
No longer does my skin crawl.

My eyes light up
When I realise
The sun has graced me
With its company,
And with its light and warmth
Has filled up my cup.

No longer do I want to
Gouge my eyes out,
Pull my hair out,
Throw myself about,
Take medication,
Scream in desperation,
Or go on a permanent 'vacation'.

You could have traced
The smile on my face.

Instead, you left.

I understand,
And honestly,
It's grand.

I just wanted to ask one thing
Before I went back to sleep;

Take my sunlight with you.
But don't take it away from me.

If forever
Meant
a minute
Spent
with you,
I'd spend
every second,
Wishing
for two.

Because the earth’s round
Doesn’t mean it’s  having a ball.

Because waves crash
Doesn’t mean that they aren’t in control.

Because the sea is deep
Doesn’t mean that it’s thoughtful

Because land meets the sea
Doesn’t mean that they agree

Because you float my boat
Doesn’t make me the captain.

It is morning time
The air feels crisp
Time to tidy up
There's so much to do
The baby squalls,
Alerted of the noise of the vacuum cleaner,
He needs some attention
At last,
Things can wait
These are the glory days
as they say
"Babies don't keep"
and children don't stay little for long

These words are for me,
For I'm the one who's hurting,
I'm just healing myself.

I didn’t know I could feel that way.
Rough hands and a rough gaze but pure
when I thought everyone was tainted.

The shades of grey that paint people’s hearts
make a dismal Monday morning seem like good weather.
The darkness that surrounds the trudging people never ends,
in the city of neutral tones.

I feel my heart burning with a white glow but I know
it will never be white.
I can’t have that anymore after my past mixed greys into it

But I know now that maybe the grey will fade, maybe,
if I paint it with enough white no-one will notice the grey.

Autumn Haiku

It is dying time.
The leaves are giving way to
the end of summer.

today,
I wore it again
and people complimented me
they say red is my color
and it suits me.

today,
it's too thick and dark
did I overapply
no, it's the right amount
just enough
to make them think
I'm fine.

today,
I look at myself
in the mirror,
and they're right
red shines on me,
so I applied
another layer,
and another
until my lips felt too thick,
but my eyes still see
the scars beneath it.

your eyes still look familiar
but the looks they give me now are foreign

We fell in love by chance,
We stay in love by choice.

forever
keeps getting shorter
while i
keep getting older

time
will
run
out

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

promises mean nothing
when the person you love
breaks them so easily