~I would trade the world to see you smile at me one more time~

people say when you found the one you will know, right away.
that it will be love at first sight.
i think that’s a lie.
i think that when you find the one it won’t happen when you expect it.
i think it will be more of a process.
something will come up and you realize you love that about that person.
i think you will be going through your day,
and pure terror flows through you when you realize you’re in love.
i don’t think it will be some happy, magical moment that makes you realize, “that’s my someone.”
if it was that easy, everyone would be a little bit more open and accepting about it.
but its not and that’s why so many people hate it.
because it is filled with agonizing terror, but worst of all fear of losing them.
fear of the unknown.
“what if they don’t love me?”
“what if they stop loving me?”
“what if it all ends in us absolutely hating each other?”
we all wish for the best, but the thing is, love is the most unknown, random thing ever.
it’s scary.
it sneaks up on you and jumps on you when you least expect it.
when you don’t want it.

I write about the things I'm missin
I'm on a mission
to make you listen
I have no doubt in this decision
Our love will solve our long division

You can ditch those people that your running with
Just tell them the facts
That your hanging with an older cat
But he's
So broken
He's busted inside
So broken
Some scars you can't hide
So broken
So broken
I used to run at the head of the pack
A used to a kinda wuz ain't no doubt about
That
I'm broken boys
I'm
So broken
I'm busted inside
So broken
These scars I cant hide
I'm so broken
I can see
Your what's gonna cure me..
So broken...oh
So broken..
Soo sooo soo..yeah

(A WARNING TO THE CURIOUS)

Distance yourself
from this world
before you
into its troubled atmosphere
are hurled

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m ****** –”
I know it sounds ******,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

Time seems limited if not used well

There is a tattoo
of a wolf
on my thigh.

A tattoo I had been planning,
for a long time.

Underneath is not what I would call
bare skin.

It is graced with
and possessed with
scars.

Of one kind.

That kind.

I am grateful that now
when I look down

I am not met with harsh lines,
but instead the eyes
of a kind wolf mother.

She now bares the scars that I carved.

Be kind to yourself,

she says.

I used to wait for you,
Right here in this corner
And when I felt quite blue
Your hug would make me warmer

But now the days have changed,
I step big steps on my own  path
I feel we've got estranged
It's really done, I've done the math

That one time when you didn't hear me
Followed by the other time you didn't see me
I'm telling you one plus one is two, my friend
I've done the math, we've reached the end.

Her eyes
reflect my moon.
In her eyes
it's always full.

there's a thin white line
between "glad because of it"
and "sad without it"

Both can ****
        The only difference is
                      Cigarettes shatter lungs
         She shatters everything

            I remembered the first moment
my lips pressed the filter
     as I lit it up breathed it all
                savored every smoke
       as if we covered up painful lies
        in a container of painkillers

The same way  
we used to pressed our lips
     sparked something between us
           savored every moment we had
    as if our love was a rose
               in a valley of tulips

Before the sun could tell time
I became an expert of her
My instrument is her eyes
It took ages of practice
I learned from the moon
And all the colors of the sky

All the stars fall
Our eyes in between
The wind is real
No pain is free
The air is hers
She lets me breathe
Her words are the light
When she talks I can see
Now the window of her
Has unlocked for me
Through a million past lives
Together was the key

the nectar of love
only comes with
the poison of pain,
two
for the exorbitant price of one

standing
at the chasm
of life and death
destroyed by love
grief remains
as life’s sole friend

the memories of love
now
belong to time
and this aging body
to the five elements.

© 2019

See, here’s the thing...
I really wish I was sorry.

When the moon first met the stars,
Did she question
Whether or not
The
Amount
Of
Stars
Surrounding
Made her brighter?

Copy right
Copy write
Copyrights
Copywriter
Copying and writing
Is copying right
My work is not copied and written
My work is not copyrighted
Except in my mind
To write
Is to Cope right

Sometimes we need a little fog
in our life to remind ourselves
that everything isn’t always as clear as it once seemed to be.

i see the flyer at starbucks

"are you caucasian?
without mental health
and drug problems?"

wow
i don’t know the answer to any of these questions
is a jew a caucasian?
is the occasional *****, ****-slamming drunken rampage
a drug problem?
as for mental health
i’m a deadbeat poet and unpopular pop musician
i’ve got a job fighting death and boredom
and i just changed my facebook password to "eat ****"
my frustrations have driven weaker souls to homicide
but are these PROBLEMS?

Someone once asked me,
"If you could go back and undo having loved him, would you?"
At the time, I said no.
Because even if it hurt to be used and abused,
I really believe the old adage that love is always better.

If I could go back in time, I would not undo loving him.
But I would undo how long I did.

I did not realize that perhaps this makes me damaged goods.
I do not believe that you can only love once in a life,
but I forget that some people do.
I forget that new men may think I have used up my once in a life.

And when he asked me,
"Did you really love him?"
I said yes, once upon a time. But wondered if he wondered
if he couldn't fall for me since I already used up my one time.
And when he asked me,
"Do you still love him?"
I said no, end of story. But wondered if he wondered
if I was telling a lie.

so I noticed that we both drink coffee.
just like anyone, we both like ours a certain way.
i like mine sweeter, with just the aftertaste of coffee there.
caramel, sugar, creamer.
i think about when i’ll have my next cup, and the idea of it alone makes me happy.
i don’t care what time of day i have it, i almost always have a cup.
i make time for my coffee.
it might be safe to say i think you like your coffee black.
you might add just the smallest touch to soften its bitter taste, but never too much.
sometimes i think you just pour it and carry on, as though it’s nothing important at all.
as though all it is, is just some quick fix.
like you just want to get it over with.
we drink it in two different ways.
i drink it slowly.
i note every flavor in every sip, i enjoy it.
i note the warmth it brings me.
i like it all hours of the day.
you drink it quickly.
quicker than me, at least.
you don’t care if it burns your tongue, or perhaps you’re used to the pain.
you accept it.
you never let it last, you move on to something else soon after.
i lay in your bed, watching your eyes as they skim the screen in front of you.
your mind is somewhere else.
i savor the moments you look my way, if even for a second, and smile at me.
i wonder if you even notice them.
i feel your laugh vibrate my bones, making the hair on my arms stand on end.
do i make you feel at all?
i reflect on it every time i drink my coffee.
i think about it with each and every sip, taking my time.
something tells me that you don’t do the same.
after all, it's just coffee.
but i put my all into this coffee.
i think you like your coffee black.

she was the moon
radiating the night sky
and dancing among the stars

you were the darkness
the shadow that waxed and waned
through the phases of her life

she grew to believe
that your presence
is what made her whole

but like the full moon
she shone brightest
without you


x.

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.