It’ll get worse before
It gets worse
Once more

keep your eyes closed love.

           e     t      
       m           i
    o                 m
s                        e  
                            s     all you have to
                                                                ­
                                                                ­ l                  is to what the sound
                                                           ­      i            n
                                                  ­                s           e
                                                               ­          t

                                                              ­                               v
                                                               ­                         a        e
                             ­                                          of the  w               s
                                                               ­                                       
                         ­                                                                 ­            tells  you
                                                                ­                                        to do.

I haven't been eating much.
My shaking hands beg for nourishment,
And only then I feed it.

I've been sleeping a lot,
but it's disturbed, restless.

I've been drinking more and more.
The red wine at night soothes my sadness.
It even makes Him feel farther away.
Just to wake up groggy, unclear, sad.
Alone.

Here I am, punishing myself.
Unable to wrestle out of this cycle.
The wicked voice inside my head is back,
and She's louder than ever.
She likes it when I'm catatonic and vulnerable.

miles mean nothing to a heart that is pure
words penned in grace, sent to ether
give heartease to the overstretched
sowing stiches of understanding
in tapestry threadbare

little suns and stars
shining bright in love and hope
from face unseen and adirondack chair
gives strength to one down, from down under
allows grief, the words needed the abilty to care
for these simple gifts, no payment required
from the heart open to care...

If you look for my flaws you will find many
If you are looking to judge me
you will find me guilty

If you look at my scars you will find plenty
If you look at my fear you will find out that I face them daily

If you are looking to love me
just know that you will always have all of me

my grip is slipping,
and falling scares me.
my world is fading away.
h      
          e
                     l
                             p
       m
                 e

h
          e
                    l
                          ­     p
          m
                     e

writing was an escape but even now words slip off the paper like tear drops.

Hi
Don't reply
As if I am a wall
Its okay
Aren't we all

Did I existed
to be nonexisted?
To smile
do I have to pretend?
When this nightmare
is going to end?

In the forest
I carved on a dead tree
Mustapha was here
Feeling the same
Write your name
And join ME

For all the light inside
keep on going.

I'm not "smart" like them.

I'm not "bright" as them.

I'm not "confident" like them.

I'm not "beautiful" as them.

I'm not "someone" like them.

Can you just accept that?

I don't like crying myself anymore

-Said myself in the mirror.

Member of the 27 club, too young to die
Too fast to live, only lent to us
A break in the clouds that let some light in,
Original flash of inspiration jumping
From my radio to shout, music isn't dead
Too soon to leave us only wanting more

someone asked me, what happened with you two? the other day
    
     my fingers resting in your palms
    running through your hair
     tracing over your scars
     feeling smile.
     your laugh
     your eyes looking down into your lap
     pointing at the red cars on the ceiling
     your smile

i don't know, i always reply

She sees through me
I can't hide anything from her
My cracks and flaws
All laid bare before her

Yes she said
I see through you
You are all there
I see you as you are

And I couldn't understand
After all was witnessed
What value was left
Why are you still here?

I see through you yes
As light through stained glass
All the imperfection made art
And I find more everyday

And the light reflected
Off the water
As it rolled down
My face as tears

this is the hardest thing
letting someone else have
so much control
over my heart
because i love him

this is the best thing
letting someone else have
so much tenderness
for my heart
because i love him

you've been stuck in that cage for so long
you forgot what it's like to be out there
fresh air hurts your lungs
but you don't want to get back inside
it was cruel and lonely
you almost forgot to speak
you almost forgot to feel
there was no one to torture you but yourself
means no one to save you, too

Like fallen leaves we stay
dark and dancing upon the ground.
Stepped over; ignored.
A memory of natural creation.
A ghost of days gone by.

Once a burst of human creativity,
a glimpse of perpetual love and emotion now just an adverse memory
playing on a loop
with no hope of recreation
again and again and again.

Like fallen leaves we stay
decaying into the mists of time
picked up and dropped
Once beautiful.
Once alive.

Why Build it
When we will  
not walk on it.

If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.

The air is cool
The Moon sits high
The night is black
As here I lie

The silence is eerie
My ears are alert
The sounds make me Leary
I'm scared and I'm hurt

Sleep forces itself , upon my eyes
I dare not close, for here what may lie
I here the crack of some branches behind
My dangerous plight , and my breath I cant find

The pearly white teeth in front of me glares
The coyote it growls, and at me it stares
Then just when I pray and think I am done
Is the lone wolf of silver, in the midnight sun

With movements so swift, as that of a hawk
He faces my enemy and as a shield he does block
With his head to moon, he cry's out a howl
The coyote backs off and away he does prowl

As the beautiful wise wolf turns his head toward me
He's mysterious but scary and I just want to flee
With a powerful leap into the darkness he's gone
This wolf save my life and now he's off in the dawn

Written by E.M.Rushton

Betrayal
disappointment
disrespect
they're
the prices
that
we pay
when
we
imagine
Eden

I raised an army to stand with me

Never realizing kindness

...All I had to give...

Could bind so

I've gone to heaven now.
I Mary naked saw.
A marvelous surprise!
My eyes , they were in awe.

Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble—
Streams of bubbles within each bubble;
Streams of bubbles within bubble shells-
Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble.

Golden streams of cheerful bubbles,
Ambling slow and dancing quick,
Sliding, swooping, darting bubbles,
Dissolving thin, dissolving thick.

Now a sheet of golden shimmering,
Swells to be a sea of glimmering,
Dissolves again and now we see
An ocean bottom, fish and trees.

The fish and trees expand, dissolve--
They are made of bubbles!

Bubbles, bubbles, golden bubbles,
Fish and tree and ocean floor
Are bubbles, golden bubbles.

Families all different
and many of them.
The best,
friend families,
they stick together.
Through bad and good
family friends will look out for you.
Myself, I am the daughter,
but high having cousins, aunts and mom
taking care of me.
I like when my *** has to be looked out for,
it doesn't have to,
but it is always.
Im sometimes babysat.
My lovely second mom in the family.
It teaches you that relationships
are flexible and humanly created
meaning we can bent them.
Therefore family friends exists.

my way to say,
present, in Wonderland.

present in your life when least expected,
no qualifying reassurance reason,
and best!
dessert-deserved more than the rest of the days

prefer to have a postman ring twice,
imagining the look on your confused face,
the genuine life velocity wholeheartedly surprised,
the tickling happiest angst of wondering why...

the present of presence is selfish, me-gleeful,
good for the soul, and the surprise message,
for my presence is all the greater by my absence,
well, it tickles that warm spot you almost forgot about
that no rowed columnar calendar manager can pretend provide

that’s what is all about...
(and stop grinning already)
the unexpected, the ******* jack wondering,
the whys grows lesser,  
the message très simple:
the no reason season of surprise,
starts with a daily sunrise..  

C'est la vie au pays des merveilles


postscript
————-
(Holiday and Birthday wishes/presents are now de rigeur, obligatory,
forgetting unacceptable, even as a date’s meaning grow less significant,
now that we’re on Facebook to be advised by AI that controls it & destroys simultaneously,
the reduction of the remembering quality of life)

I have the soul of a drunk.

Her legs spread out,
all silence and no heart.

Sometimes home comes to mind.

i anchor
myself
to the back
of your mind
you wish
me away
but here
i still linger

all my life
i've been preparing faces
to meet the faces that
i've met

friends
family
the man who delivers newspapers
at our doorstep each morning

i've laughed at their silly jokes
as they tossed their heads from side to side
in naive stupidity and their sheer ignorance
a pompous lot, the human race i tell you

i've acknowledged their staunch morals
and tried to make them my own
as they scorned at the girl in a skimpy dress
and chewed on mutton bones gluttonously

all my life, i've been trying hard
to blend in
with people who've shown me
that i don't belong with them

and tonight when i shed gallons of tears
i have only my bed and pillow to share
i've learnt that my sadness
is my very own

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

Bringing people closer through tricks and then communicating to the relatives to spoil reputation are also crime traits

It means creating a situation and getting the person into the undue to spoil reputation and blackmail are crime traits you long know

Facilitating humiliations and conducting fight scenes
Also, ya, I understood there and then
There are mild forms

It takes us to shrewd behaviours, humiliations, family violence,  separations, riots and wars

I showed you many ways; you would agree to
Do I know?
You would say, yes to it

Dr Baljit Singh
Thursday 20th June 2019

You tend to me
in a way
no one else has before,
letting me grow
anew.