Depression
What a lonely word
But
Everyone goes through it
At least one time in their life
Doesn't it feel lonely
Don't you just want to crawl in a corner
And do nothing
I know
Because
I've been through it
But
At some point
The corner will smile at you
And you will
Smile back

i don't want anything.
i don't want spring
or growth or nastiness
or u.
ambiguous u, coconut oil on type 1
printer paper,
zen space, cubist u.
i don't want root vegetables
or fine granolas or early dew-grass.
i don't want u.

The Best Feelings Are Fake...
Living in a Dreamland Before you Wake While With Limited Time Roaming a World with All you can Take Hoping that Daylight Forever Don't Break,
Longing To Stay in That Place for your Minds Sake but.,,
Dreams Are as Fragile as a Snowflake
You Realise the Best Feelings Are Fake as Soon as Your Mind Awakes.

I can’t hide it
I crave it
Needing it to survive
The pressure of your body
That look in your eyes
Pulling me closer
Oh closer
Sometimes by my hair
Pinning me to that mattress
Or whatever you dare
For I feel it
I love it
That taste on my lips
Unable to move
With your hands on my hips
Oh you know me
Control me
Fingers dancing on my thighs
All those nights that you’d hold me
Brought stars to my eyes
By that grip of your hand
Firmly ‘round my neck
Oh you’d punish me tenderly
I could never forget
Yes you’d pull me
You’d push me
Goosebumps emerge on my skin
Feeling the beads of your sweat
Drip onto my chin
Kiss me
Tease me
Master you know just what to do
To leave me on my knees
Begging for every inch of you


                     Alysia Marie 2018 ©

I took a selfie today, on the swing
For some reason I've been taking them all week
Bored at the grocery store
No motivation in my room
A smile,
constantly displaying my bulging acne,
like little polka dots
marring my-
Smile a little strained,
Unable to release or
FAKE
Just no
I-

I took a selfie today, on the swing
The swing obviously more suitable for my ten year old brother
Left behind by one of the previous occupants
Quite low to the ground,
Meant for children                        Not
a teenager searching for an escape
Making a fool of herself
Back and forth              back and forth                    back and-

I took a selfie today, on the swing
And it's the prettiest I'd ever been
Because I didn't care anymore,
and I      was                                                    f
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                                                                                              w
                                                                                                     h
                                                                                                              e
                                                                                                                     e
                                                                                                  e
                                                                                        e
                                                                           e
                                                                                             e
                                                                                                              e
                                                                                         e

Let me smash
Let me smash
Let me have a slice of that ***.

i was put on death row
the day we met.
november 12, 2014
i became a prisoner.
the jury decided i was guilty
of loving too hard
caring too much.
capital punishment is a little unjust
but you decided 20 to life
just wasn’t enough.

Everyone thinks being in relationship makes you happier
You believe if you are in a good space with them then you will be okay

Have you ever felt
you loved someone that
you hated the person?

Have you ever felt
you knew everything that
you knew nothing?

Have you ever felt
the overwhelming happiness and grace that
you manifested signs of sadness?

Have you ever felt
the burning heart inside
though you are soaked outside?

Feeling feelings,
i do not fully understand
what they are
but they color the blank sheet of life –

not a dream
different a world
open your heart to love
is this so hard
locks for the enemy
for lovers will not hamper

When death
    is put to sleep
    what fear is left
    for us to keep?

i was told the lowest you could go
is rock bottom
they were wrong

for i dug

Sing to me a sad song
With your voice of liquid gold
I'll whistle the tune
And pretend I'm not getting old
And I'll pretend that life isn't death
There's no other use for my dying breath


Just let me pretend
My life is an old time movie
On the black and white screen
One that my true love has never seen.

Through our gritted teeth
I subject myself to strife
I cannot steal a pair of jeans
From a call to life

I was falling
for you

the feeling of
being weightless

the sky and
the ocean are
blue

like your eyes

your eyes and
Einstein’s brain

are the depths
I can never reach

but I will drown trying
to reach either or both

She cringes as the car pulls up.
Then he stomps through the door.
A grab and a slap,
and she falls to the floor.
She cries, she cries
and begs for no more.

She hears the angry voice,
and she tries in vain to hide.
Knowing the fury,
That he's holding inside.
She cries and she cries,
She's so sick of this ride.

She escapes the next night,
in a bold, daring ploy.
No longer his plaything,
No longer his toy.
She cries and she cries,
but now they're tears of joy.

I don't feel special,
I'm not unique.
I want to cry
but I can't even speak.
My hands reach out,
but they cannot hold
a single thing
but the bitter cold.
Everything's frozen,
I feel lost.
Even my tears
have turned to frost.
When I cut my waist
it bleeds black.
I'm so deeply gone
there's no way back.
This is goodbye

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

u see the knife
you watch the glow
u see me smile
but can't hear me cry
u think i'm happy
but inside i'm breaking
u see the blood
then u realize
that i wasn't
lying
when i said
i'm depressed!
u wish u gave me the
support i needed
but now it's too late.
I'm dying inside...

Oh little one,
You try to stand too soon.
Looking up at the stars,
With not a glance at the moon.

Oh little one,
Trying to run for the finish
To cover the most ground,
But never stopping to looking around.

Oh little one, Oh little one,
You stumble and fall down.
I hear your scream and your call.
Yet the best I can do,
Is let you lift yourself from the fall.

Lick my lips
Cradle my face
Gaze into my eyes
And tell me I'm safe

logic makes wise,
predictable as well.
the children liked it
not one bit.
thus the human,
a race was born
in blood of an apple
and jaws of the beast
crying for lost haven
monkey hair
pulling plugs

it’s a beautiful thing
this day and age
with bubbling permafrost
with drug-resistance
with obesity treatments
with technological advancements
with scientific discoveries
with silent wars
with blue lava
with bleeding glaciers
with divorce
with sensitivity
with my generation
of people believing
this new generation
is completely and
utterly clueless as a
common occurrence

but let’s think about
what these kids are
into nowadays.

let’s think about who
invented these inane
things for the kids.

my generation of people.

so the kids of today are
the ones who are ******
for liking the things
that we’ve created?

I’m sorry but we have to
be the ones who are obtuse
for believing such things,
oblivious for not
realizing them and
showing the world
we have
little or no imagination
anymore.

the generation before us
has lied to us and
thought us to lie
to the generation
after.

whether it’s the gods
or holidays
or what not.

the youth of the today
are autonomous.
they can not take
responsibility for
their actions nor do
they understand and
just go along
with the trends,
much like,
all the generations
before them
but we need a scapegoat
to cover up our own
farce implementations.

the truth of the matter is..
we’re all a little vacuous
in our own way
especially the ones with
an answer for everything.
living in an imperfect world
where there’s always room
for improvement
nothing for us
or against us
wrapped up in our
congratulatory
self-contradictory
and illogical theories
and as useless as
exploding appendix.

the lost generation
the interbellum generation
the silent generation
the baby boomers
generation x
the millennials

a strong admixture
of imbecility and
self-assurance
filled with belief
and unawareness
to a senseless world

like hate
like blame
like gossip
like jealousy
like being offended
like being impressive
like the punk rock dream
like hospital waiting rooms
like fundraisers and charity events
like your co-worker to the right and
the left of you
and their families
and their families before
them

our greatest creation
our strongest aide

to deconstruct

I love it when girls
call me Daddy
not for the obvious
but because it feels nice
to pretend knowing what it's like
Having kids.

I get bad days,
when knives seem soft,
and roses dissapear.

Take me to your garden,
tell me all your troubles,
because they're all nice and simple,
they make me forget mine.

Take me to your garden,
Cut me with your thorns,
So I can see some colour,
and forget the emptiness I feel.

Take me to your garden,
let me die there,
because I'd rather fade away,
than face the outside world.