People have aesthetic childhoods.
With parents that understand and cuddle them when lightning strikes.
I remember the teddy bears in my bed,
and how they smelt of mum and dad,
how I would hold Odettes ear with my finger and thumb,
my head ducked under cover in fear of an alien tickling my toes.
But now the teddies are placed high up on a shelf
away from me, out of reach.
When I realise the ear isn't in my hands,
I look around and see the dust at my feet,l like I'm down at the bottom,
I look up,
my family are at the top
and the red cord of family love bounding us together is thin, and I fear we are soon to have a disconnect again,
When I make it to the third or fourth level
I see their faces grinning with pride
at their daughter succeeding and waking up before noon,
and I say something funny to lighten the mood,
but I tumble lower by one or two
depending on how fake the laugh I hear was.
I sit in the gravel and wonder.
I don't understand why I can't touch them anymore because I'm like my mum,
we're both alike,
and I'm like my dad,
we're also alike,
but I feel lost on a planet when I meet their eyes,
like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be,
I wallow in the dust for days, until I feel
them prodding me with a stick from the top shelf,
asking me when I'll finally reach the top.
Telling me that I'm seventeen now and that I used to be on the sixth shelf when I was sixteen.
How I used to do so well with my homework,
and I would get great grades,
but now I get dark stains around my eyes,
and a tearstained face,
but from their great height, they can't see my shoulders shaking,
they just see me carrying my baggage,
too heavy for my small frame to handle.
I force my way up the mountain,
until I see their faces,
they smile and I tumble right back down.
I feel like screaming;
LOOK AT ME!
I AM HERE!
I AM ON MY PLANE,
AND YOU ARE ON YOURS!
but however hard I do scream,
the wind picks it up and carries it away,
and all they hear is;
'Look at me, I'm on your plane!"
I tumble three.
nothing more than a stranger
living in my home,
nothing more than a man
who i wouldn't dare trust again.
you have ripped me to shreds
and altered my view of people.
no amount of "sweethearts"
will wash away the ugly words
you once spoke to me.
your constant "i'm sorry"
has lost all meaning,
the damage is done.
thank you father
for being the first to teach me
that people are double sided,
the first to teach me not to trust,
and the first to teach me
to stop giving out more chances.
you taught me,
time and time again
that people do not change.
so thank you for the lessons, father.
Your eyes swaddle me and keep me warm. They’re a warm ocean I dive into and when i emerge i’m saturated in your satisfying and nurturing love. Oh i love how your hugs make me feel protected from the apocalypse, as if God himself is the one and only thing that can rip me from your grasp. You’re warm soft fingers intertwined with mine remind me that i’m apart of something bigger than myself, bigger than this universe. I’m apart of your life and every time you speak my name a chill goes down my spine, lifts my body, and enhances all my senses so that I may feel, touch, taste, hear, and even smell the radiating adoration you have for me. Just to know that I’m something that crosses your mind is a privilege, a gift, and a blessing. I am so lucky. I don’t know why you share your animal crackers with me, but know that i will push you on the swing whenever your arm is broken. Know that whenever you get a cut i will always place a band aid on the bruise and kiss it to make it feel better. I will be your teddy bear and comfort you when the thoughts in your head get too much to handle. All because you shared your animal crackers. The animal crackers you’ll never get back, the ones you can never give to anyone else, the crackers that give you dangerous ownership of my heart but ownership you treat with respect. I’m a flower that you watered with your tears and you have full permission to pick me out of the ground at anytime but instead you choose to just watch me grow and admire my plump petals.
Our overwhelming love will last for eternity. All because you shared your animal crackers.
The Mother, gets Father
to crush them when
they are babies.
Father always wanted too
crush them anyways,
While Momma, she...
Tamed him, Father; see?
By giving them over
to be crushed
...always defer to some other camp,
put it in VEGAS terms...
focus on and then to say,
Revolve your mind
Your disappointment in me makes me want to vomit
Even Halleys father gave her a flying comet.
I can't play the sports that you did as a kid
But I was never afraid of the ball
I never once hid
Im sorry some chores were left not quite done
But trying to hurt me doesn't mean that you've won
The belt round your waist was something I feared
I remember the blood on my leg that I had once smeared
That wasn't quite common
You're lose of control
I know that deep down you do have a soul
It's ironic that I am the only one
Who knows your soft side
away from the gun
You're still my dad and I don't hold those grudges
I'm not trying to be that person who judges
I'm talking about drugs.
For those who don't know the pain it causes your family, you are lucky.As a seventeen year old daughter of a user its hard. I've seen the affects since i was as young as five years old. I've seen neighbors overdose when i was just a little girl. As personal experience I've seen my dad too high to care about sleep, eating, or even work. Too high to care for his own daughter. At the age of ten i was cooking, cleaning, waking my own FATHER up for work. I was supposed to be outside playing. What kind of childhood is that? I'll tell you now. Its not one. Its the life you have with drugs in it.
I am talking about drugs...
How dare you play with a life in this this way
I just got him back and I want him to stay
You pretend that you're coming that he will lie still
then you play with our minds and they fill him with pills
Relentlessly checking the screen on my phone
constantly worried that he'll die alone
My heart can not deal with the sadness and fear
That soon he'll be gone and he'll never be near
A love not believed
until recent days
will leave me again and I won't be ok
Regret will lie heavy
and deep in my heart
that I didn't forgive him
right from the start
So mess with his heart, Death
then take him away
but I am still here and I NEED him to stay
Make up your mind, Death
and stop playing games
he's not feeling good
his life not the same
I need him to rest, Death
protected, pain free
He will be missed badly, especially by me
But not till he's ready
and he wants to go
Stay away until then, Death, he'll let you know.
the gates of no sight
my FATHER is.
Perhaps snapping away
with a spiritual camera- like eye.
as he knows I love and miss him.
the gates of no sight
my AUNT is.
Perhaps sitting around a manifested table
laughing and enjoying the moment.
the gates of no sight
my MOTHER is.
Perhaps feeling the ocean of love I send her
as I recall her mothering aspects.
the gates of no sight
my HIGHER SELF is.
giving love and direction for me
who needs its guidance.