Time is the great healer,
I've heard said, it gets easier
as you go along.
Keep yourself busy,
less time to think,
others advised, well
meaningly I don't doubt.
But time has healed nothing,
my son, it doesn't get easy at all:
neither nights nor days,
thinking of you and those
dark hours, the last minute scenes,
of those paid to care,
and grief's usual wear and tear.
Time just consolidates
the pain and grief, brings it
up close now the numbness has fled,
the stark reality bites deep
no matter how busy
or occupied the head,
and the final words
your son is dead.
My Little Queen©
I’m not her father, but she is my daughter
I knew her when she was young,
A small girl with a twirl
Time went on we moved to the coast with the most,
My bride and I as we said goodbye
One day a bus arrived with this little princess fresh
From a three day journey by bus made with no fuss
Swollen feet and tired as could be she lay on the couch
And I realized then and there she was no slouch
During those early days she would amaze and
Watching her grow was quite a show
The more she grew the more beautiful she had become
Even if it felt like she was always on the run
Her vivid imagination would have her end up
Working at a gas station to my fascination
Then one day she would announce out of the blue
It’s time to live on her own and have a home
A new job and boyfriend would ensue as she blossomed
From princess to bride and I would profess my pride
My princess now a little queen was far from done
For she had a son that I could adore galore
But life presents many ups and downs and even frowns
Even for someone with a crown, as we all do, who knew
A move here, a move there,
yet she found her way to another day
When revelations would arrive at home, my bride
Would give me a glare and stare and say
“and who do you think she got that from”
I am not her father, but she is my daughter
Now settled in a city nor far away, a wife, a mother
But still my pretty little queen
I never thought I would lose you
I thought you would be in my life forever
until something evil took you away from me
I never got to say goodbye
I never got to kiss you one last time
hear your voice one last time
the devil took you away from me
I was my father's Backseat Driver.
He had no sense of direction,
And I didn't know how to drive.
As Buddhists would say,
Yes, my Father OWNED a good Car.
Being able to drive was part of being an independent adult for him,
But he claimed that he "couldn't read" maps
He just wasn't interested.
So, as Confucius would have said,
My Father "knew what he didn't know",
And I knew that my well-being and safety
Was dependent on playing my role as a navigator.
As I reflect,
I'm always searching
To RESURRECT that sort of Intimacy
And to be RACIAL,
I never find it in a White Face.
I find REJECTION in White Faces.
The Black Man needs me,
And I need him.
We EACH have our limitations
Like members of a Band.
The Drummer can't play the Guitar,
And the Guitar Player can't play the Drums.
A part of me leftover from the Past
Wants this Paternal Intimacy with this White Man,
But a part of me HATES the White Man.
All of 'em!
You can say that this is petty and racist of me
"What sort of way is That"
"For someone of Jewish Background to think!?"
My only response would be,
"Feeling useless causes one to hate"
"So, in a way,"
"I understand the mentality of White Supremacists."
"Maybe, they're missing their Fathers too?"
Here born a princess
Without titles or castles or jewels
With no crowns nor grounds nor lands
With no treasures nor exposures
With no prestige nor heritage nor lineage
Not even a silver spoon in her mouth she should’ve brag about
Not one subject or object
But all the same, with a name as grand
A celebration as loud
She’ll have the state-of-the-art carriages out of old tires
The best ball gowns from the best-deal market fares
She’ll have the best accessible education
And only the kindest words spoken
But she’s a princess only in his mind
And she should’ve known firsthand
Because there’s an invisible ladder she must climb
Not any elegant staircases she can glide down from
When the real world greets her unceremoniously
One amongst the rest
One among the many
Ranked in between the real deal the richest the smartest and the fairest
As should be…
Because she’s a princess only in his mind
And she should’ve known firsthand
The hidden danger of a love bind
First as a thought
Then as a life
Once as a dream
Ending in a scheme
Once as a husband
Then as a father
Children were no bother
One is a daughter
And one a sonn
Once as father
His time was done
Once was a life
Lived in strife
Once was a boy
Who innocently loved his toy
And as this boy grew
His experience did too
He learned to live
Learned to love
The one he loved
As elequent as a dove
And as he grew
His love did too.
His love was returned
By the one he so yearned
And after a while
A white dress came to style
With two circles of gold
Their hearts were sold
As they raised their son
They awaited nine months to come
For a baby girl would soon run
Time passed with joy
Until the day momma screamed out
8:15 early mornin
The baby girl was born
There once was a daughter
There once was son
The once was a father
Who thought he had won
Two years passed
As life slowly collapsed
Well father got ill
And momma cried, paying the medical bills
Until her last 'I love you'
11 years late, still to this day
For mother, son and daughter,
Father will never fade away
Another year later
12 since he passed
The memories and thoughts
Of daddy haven't faded away
13 years since that fatefull day
Memories stay and stay
For many more to come,
Another year, on and on.
Closer to seeing daddy
In years to come,
daughter will be embraced again
There is a daughter
And there is a son
There's also a mother
Who will forever love my father
I appreciate that your father died,
but we have noticed your work
has slacked off since you're been back,
Ericsson said in his soft measured voice.
I wanted to say: stick your job
up your Swedish arse, but I didn't;
I apologised and said that I'd speed up;
he smiled and nodded and walked away.
Father had from cancer
two weeks before.
The funeral had been
the week after.
Then back to work
and to carry on.
But it all seemed less
in the run of things.
After all it wasn't every day
you lose a father.
The noise of machines
was around me.
The women chatted
as they worked over the way.
The men on the dye cast machines
joked and laughed as they
pressed and pulled.
I drilled a little faster;
not for them or their profit margins,
but for me, to keep the job
for a while until something
better came along.
broke into song.
You lost your right to be my father the moment you decided to sexually abuse me.
You don't even know the turmoil you have stirred up in my soul.
Do you sleep at night?
Because I don't, I lay awake in my confusion.
Wishing my reality was different.
You don't know what it's like to live with this.
If my own father couldn't love me, who will?
You took so fucking much from me.
You stole my innocence.
You made me feel tainted.
You made me fear trusting anyone.
Such deep rooted betrayal.
I finally understand I'm not the screwed up one.
I hope you get the help & support you need.
But right now I don't want you in my life.
I don't owe you anything.
You owe me a whole heck of a lot.
Starting out with an apology.
You weren't the father you should of been.
So you don't deserve the wonderful daughter I could be to you.
You know what I want?
I want your fucking lingering sensations gone from my body.
I want you out of my head.
I want you out of my nightmares.
I want you out of my heart, soul & mind.
You are like a pollution that keeps suffocating me.
I'm going to cleanse my soul from your toxins.
Your violence is inexcusable.
But my love over powers your violence.
Love is the answer.
I am loved.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I will keep shining light on this darkness.