it was a dumb idea
loving you,
and even a dumber
idea telling you,
but the dumbest idea
was believing you.

it's getting worse,
the aching pain
that gets heavier and heavier
each time i see you.
i may be strong,
but i will break,
soon enough,
and the worst part is,
you can't put the pieces back together,
no one can.
this door,
this heart leads to
nowhere,
so don't open it,
you may regret it.

you are,
you were,
and you'll always be
a **monster.

I just sit there and I think,
I think about all the what ifs
and remember whens
we used to spend hours talking about.

We saw the world differently,
you were my inspiration
to write and express myself,
to be the one I've dreamed of being
to fill my life with positivity.

I was cold and alone,
the door was open wide
and you were the only one,
to walk inside.

So stay here forever, cause you're the only thing that's keeping this place warm.

don't you miss it,
that freedom you felt
every time you were outside?
don't you miss it,
that feeling of calmness
you felt every time you
snuggled up in bed?
but most importantly,
don't you miss it,
not being broken,
being able to survive
a day without cutting
your skin?
but the bittersweet part is,
that even though you miss it,
you still keep it up,
and it has become a habit
to cut a piece of your skin,
every day.

the cold wind is
softly caressing your cheeks,
that hold crimson red color,
and i can melt just by looking
at their redness.

and i would do anything
to touch and kiss those
flushed cheeks.

if you get home tonight,
you will find three cassettes
on the table in our living room,
where we shared kisses and
drank coffee.
on the first cassette that will be
next to the full cup of cold coffee,
it will be written "cassette for when
you're happy",
which i hardly believe you
will play it.
the second cassette will be on
top of a letter i have written
only for you, with a small
amount of dry tears on the paper,
and it will say "cassette for when
you're sad", and perhaps this
will be the most played one.
around the final cassette
will be nothing, the cassette will
be alone, just like us,
and it will say "cassette for when
you feel nothing", and be careful,
my darling, because i know
you're often numb, just like me.
and perhaps, you might get lost
in this cassette,
just like i was in you.
that is why i am leaving now,
i am lost, my darling,
and i need to find the right path,
the light, which in this case,
is not you.
*you are not my right path,
you are not my light,
and i am not your right path,
i am not your light,
but you still love me,
and i still love you,
even though i am leaving,
and never coming back

i found
old cassettes
of my bitter past,
and twisted childhood
under my broken bed.
i couldn't stop those
unwanted memories that
flooded through my mind,
images and flashes
of blood,
and screaming echoes.

i miss you,
so much it literally
hurts.
and here i am,
looking at your photos
in two in the morning,
crying our memories.
my eyes are puffy and red,
i am writing sappy, love
poems,
and i miss you,
but there is nothing i can
do about it to feel
otherwise.

sad,
that's what i am,
right now,
in one in the
morning,
listening to
the smiths,
and i realize,
that i will stay
like this,
always.

my head hurts,
along with my heart,
and not even you,
can make the pain
disappear.

and there are times where you just can't fall asleep.
and in those times all you gotta do is dream,
and imagine a perfect life, a prefect world,
only for you.

i am
completely done
trying to be worth it,
when i am clearly
not.

i am
completely done
making you realize
that i love you,
when you clearly
don't see it.

i am
completely done
trying to be visible again,
when it's clearly impossible.

i am
completely done
with this ****** life
that i clearly deserve
for my ****** up
past decisions.

i am
completely done
trying to turn back time,
and make you come back,
you clearly won't ever
be next to me again.

and i know the reason why.

you drink about it,
you smoke about it,
you don't talk about it.

a drink can do what a word can't,
a cigar can do what a word can't,
a word can't do anything.

alcohol can heal wounds,
**** can heal broken hearts,
sentence can open new wounds,
and break hearts.

drinking and smoking
is good,
talking isn't.

today,
someone said your name,
and my heart still aches,
five hours later.
i never want to see you again,
because old wounds will open
up, wounds that have healed
over these past three months.
if i see you again,
i will fall in love with you,
and it would be a lot harded,
and a lot more painful to
fall out of it.
that's why,
i am saying goodbye,
for now,
because i don't know,
what will happen if i
see your face standing
in front of me,
instead of in my mind.
just know,
that i will love you
until i die,
because you stayed the same
person through it all,
and i am the one who changed.

*you appear in my daydreams, dreams
and reality, g.
i just wish you would
stop appearing in my reality,
just in my dreams and daydreams,
because there you are who i
want you to be,
and who i need you to be.

she was fifteen and
didn't know what to do
with her life.
and her sixteenth birthday
was far away,
maybe if she tried hard enough,
she wouldn't have to live it.

there is nothing prettier
than a city at 5 am
with its empty streets and
cold wind.

that sharp needle,
that is stuck into your arm,
is telling me that you're gone.
that fatal dose of drugs,
your addiction that was inevitable,
and i didn't stop it on time.

**i am sorry,
love.
i am sorry that i found
you on the bathroom floor
dead, if i only came
earlier, you would have been alive
and breathing.

where all the craziness is normal,
where all the alcohol and drugs are allowed,
where all the parties rock,
where all the boys are handsome,
where all the parents are boring and wrong,
where all the 'first's' happen,
where all the unforgettable memories are born,
where all you do now,
is going to be remembered later,

*and you aren't going to regret
a single bit of it.

here,
to you,
i will sing it
all to you,
every night
when you fall asleep
in my arms,
and i will
sing you
your favorite lullaby,
until we die,
because you are
worth it,
darling.