I dream of a significant other
to love me with pure love,
dedication and compassion.
that personifies the definition of love
breaking all barriers.
Like the deep love of Neo and Trinity in Matrex
or Armageddon’s Grace and A.J.
Or Romeo and Juliet's passionate love connection.
No, better yet... the love my parents had
that lasted 56 years (ages 94 and 90)
Who, cultivated a field of divine roses,
for me to see and value.
As their son,
I'm acutely aware that my parents
They're afraid because I'm everything they raised me to be.
They're afraid because I'm everything they raised me not to be.
I'm the product of a failed attempt at suburban life,
a mixture of the 80s punk-rock bitch
and a scrappy smart-ass playboy,
almost perfectly blended
like chunky peanut butter.
because I have my mother's "Devil-May-Care" attitude
and my dad's endless charm.
I made a Pick and Mix candy bag
of their traits
until I created a boy who is everything they fear.
The fear what I stand for,
and the reactions I invoke in other people,
and the looks I get in public.
They fear my body,
until it's not the child they created,
but the creature I did.
I came to you with a half-open heart
That you poured yourself into
I let you in with my half-open arms
I opened them up a little just for you
My parents visited again --
In you, with pain and not much more
I feel so many more rocks in my heart --
My family and now you, I know!
I walked away from you with a half-closed heart
I walked away with pain and more
Every part that was hurt and cemented
I walked away with two, no few
Every part of my father you supposedly hated
I saw again and again in you
Now, I’m left to fill my half-closed heart
In hopes that I never turn into you
Now I’m left to mend myself
Because I never wanted to be neither of you
You bastards, I’m finally through.
April 24th around 5:50 pm a group of boys took it upon themselves to laugh.
I proceeded to look around to see if someone had fallen, to see if someone was wearing, or not wearing, something they shouldn’t,
I began to walk faster.
“But It’s Better if you Do” by Panic at the Disco was blaring in my ears so whatever they were saying was blocked out by the blare of Brendon Urie’s voice…
I still don’t get what was so funny—but I have an idea.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been subject to jokes about how I look.
I am the butt of everyone’s fat joke,
My comedy is a product of every snicker, every cackle, every time I’ve been called Big Momma or Rasputia.
My pearly white smile is painted by the white lies I tell myself and everyone else to get through the day.
I wonder if people ever stop to think if there is a person, suffocating, lonely in the center of this big, fat meat suit.
I wonder if people ever think before they speak or laughing at me when I eat.
I wonder if people know that I was raised by the strongest single mother in the world, so I have skin tougher than steel so their words can’t hurt me,
A mother who raised 3 children on her own.
A mother of an 8 year old
Whose father died in Honduras 2 years ago after being deported back 2 years before that—she told us it was a car accident,
but my mother taught me was to be nosey and to always search for the truth, especially when it’s being hidden from you.
My little brother’s father, the love of my mother’s life, was gunned down murdered in cold blood.
She is a mother of a 23 year old
Who has had Asperger’s his entire life, has dealt with being shipped from school to school because it’s so hard to find a special education program for him.
My mother taught me patience is the biggest virtue, and that my anger with his repetitive questions and running around is nothing compared to the anger he feels with himself every day for being a “burden” on those around him.
A mother who
Beats herself up over the fact my brother my father’s side is addicted to drugs,
My brother’s mother was a drug addict and so was my father at the time,
And even though my father was able to clean himself up, he had so many warrants out for his arrest it forced him to play hide and seek with the police and his own children
So for months at a time my mom would take care of my brother, thought about adopting him, but of course that didn’t happen—
His mom got clean.
My dad was finally caught, things were looking up
Until his mother got dirty again, rolling with dogs, her arms look like she was eaten up by fleas
My father was never a father,
Disappearing for weeks without so much as even a breath and reappearing as if he never left
No wonder my brother can never stay clean.
My mother taught me to love my brother unconditionally, that no matter what I have to laugh with him when he needs a laugh
Because my brother doesn’t know what stability is, he doesn’t know what standing on his own two feet feels like because he is always high.
She taught me to always laugh with him because I don’t know if he’ll come down the next time he gets high.
A mother of
An 18 year old girl who suffers from clinical depression and anxiety, but has to keep it swept under the rug because the public school system failed in teaching her about mental illness.
However, my mother taught me that as much as I depend on her she depends on me, that I am her backbone and she believes that even if I sink I will learn how to swim before the tide engulfs me and I’m taken too far from the shore.
I’m ripping off this big, fat meat suit because I’m tired of suffocating,
I’m learning how to swim.
I can feel the sun now.
Watching the love unwrap in front of me,
For a parent, there isn’t a finer sight to see,
Just how proud can anyone become?
Watching your Daughter and Son in Law,
Now being a Dad and a Mum,
The little bundle of joy that has entered their life,
Eclipses the moment when they pledged to be Husband and Wife,
Yet on that day, once again no prouder man could you see?
Than your dear old Dad, smiling from cheek to cheek,
I met my granddaughter for the very first time today,
Held her in my arms, then thinking back to a similar day,
When I held my daughter the same way and made this pledge,
I’m going to love you, little girl till I take my very last breath.
When Janey's mother,
Lectured Janey about the risks involved in Sex
A few hours later,
She could hear her groaning orgasmically
As she masturbated in her bedroom.
When Janey lectured Rachel
About the dangers posed by drugs,
She seemed to be listening attentively,
A few hours later.
She could smell Marijuana smoke
From underneath the space
Between her daughter's bedroom door
And the floor.
Rachel decided to use reverse psychology.
She told Janey that Religion was a bunch of Nonsense.....
The "Opium for the Masses"
As Karl Marx said.
She told her that Praying to God
Was just a waste of energy and time.
A few hours later,
Rachel heard her daughter,
Praying in her bedroom.
She didn't know what language Janey was praying in?
She didn't know what god Janey prayed to?
But, sure enough,
Janey was praying.
Rachel realized that she needed to do some Soul Searching.
What on Earth
Had made her daughter
You never listen to people’s words - you listen to their actions. Promises mean nothing to you, neither do intentions. You learned at a very young age that it’s not the thought that counts. The “I Iove yous” and “I miss yous” and the “for better or for worse” don’t mean a thing unless they’re executed through actions: The being there. The showing up for someone. You don’t care about the, “but baby deep down you know that I love you..” No. People actually have to show you they care to win your heart l.
You don’t flinch when people ask about your parents. You have memorized the script back and forth. You have dealt with trust issues for as long as you can remember. Yeah, you don’t want the cliché labels: The one with abandonment issues. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one looking to fill a void. You don’t need anyone’s sympathy. You don’t want anyone’s pity - so you will always try to keep this part of you hidden, it’s just a part of you, but a part that’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in your bones, a tiny inkling that you need to fight every time someone tries to get close to you nevertheless.At the same time, love scares you. When you finally start to feel safe with someone, you question it. How can you not? You’ve seen firsthand how even true love can break into a million pieces, bringing out the worst in people. How fireworks eventually combust, how commitment breaks like glass, how people promise to be there until "death do them part," for "better or for worse," but promises don’t mean a thing.So you put up a shield you spent years crafting - it’s a strong shield, preparing you for the worst. Abandonment is your worst nightmare, because you’ve seen how no matter how much someone may love you, they can leave. And that is the most terrifying thing you have ever learned. If the one relationship you needed to work more than anything fell apart, it’s fair game for any other relationship to break. For anyone else to decide it’s not worth it. For anyone else to decide you’re not worth it. It broke your heart to see your parents in pain. You’ve seen them in their most vulnerable states - you’ve seen the fights leaving them burned and confused, so you’ve made a promise to never let yourself be in that state. No matter how much you love someone, you’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. You do it for protection.When you do let someone in, it’s hard for you to not try to control the relationship, to not have anxiety every time they don’t respond to your calls when they’re out - “Let it go. You’re worrying for nothing” you reassure yourself. But anxiety always seems to win.You have a big fear of the unknown. So you compensate. You’re driven, you’re unapologetic. You relish in your independence, you go after what you want - fearlessly, without caring about the approval of others. You will seem bulletproof. The people who have have experienced the most pain always do. You know you can’t control other people, but you also know that there's always a silver lining. Even the worst situation or event have a positive aspect. For you, it’s your drive and empathy.When you do love, you love unconditionally. You will give your partner all of your love and effort as a way to keep the flame alive. You want it to last. There’s still a part of you that won’t ever stop fighting for true love, a small part, but a part you'll do anything to hang on to nevertheless.
You're always saying, "I mean of course I love him... he's my dad". You should see your face when you say that. You don't light up, your hands don't get warmer, your heart doesn't skip a beat. Nope, you say "of course I love him... but..." and your whole face sinks. Tell me all about how great he is then! How he hit you, how he comes home drunk. On the phone yesterday you said "love you" before hanging up and... he just laughed.
the dinner plates
and lays them
on the table
with an assortment
and meat are set.
Sophia looks at me
I look at her.
Her father sits
at the top end
eyeing the table cloth.
Her mother sits down
and the father says grace
he closes his eyes
as does his wife
I close mine
a slit of space
to see when Sophia
opens hers again.
This dinner invitation
is an uneasy event
like having a meal
at Stalin's table
or Al Capone's.
The grace ends
with a gruff amen.
All eyes are open
the mother speaks
in Polish in chilly tones.
The father looks at her
then at me
unsmiling he looks
He says something
to her in Polish
I sit and watch
the lips move
wishing there were
English dialogue lines
above their heads
to inform me
of the scene.
The father nods his head
and his plump hands
indicate for me
and put food
upon my plate.
The others take food
with tongs or spoons.
I timidly venture out
and take a little
of this and that
until my plate
is set out
like a small
I sense an uneasiness
at first hot then cold
like one who's ill.
...Yet I still have visions of
Death and his father,
Disconsolate and privy
The tears of his mother
His love for her deep but
No one should know,
For her burden is heavy,
And her shoulders are low
she rotates all the more...
And yet I still have these visions
Of death and his father,
Furrowing along space without
Sister nor brother,
Sitting by his feet gaining his wisdom
The unenviable task,
Despised by all,
Such a burden to bear
Such a levy to toll...