I'm afraid that if I die
People wont know things only I know
Like how N likes their carrots
Or how L loves her dad
Only I know this, like this
Of course others know some of this too, some of the time
But no one
Not one single person knows that you
I mean this literally
I was gifted this knowledge when you were born
I know this viscerally, like this.
Or that you're beautiful in ways that make me hate words
In ways that render language hollow, meaningless, obscene
I am not being dramatic.
And also that you are good
By which I mean loveable
Like very and always
This is not something you can ever change even though you'll probably try
And you might convince other people
Maybe even your dad, or your therapist, or your lover, or yourself
But you'll never convince me
I don't know why
This isn't something I did, or discovered or worked towards
I just know this
And I need you to know this
In case I die
Which I will eventually.
I hope by then my living knowing will become yours
Because I believe you can know this too
In a way, I know you already do
Its the truth, and the truth is always knowable and always here. Although sometimes we misplace it
So I'm here to remind you, for as long as I'm here
And I'm leaving you this in case you, or I, or death, misplace it.
This is not exactly a will. More like "I cant bear going without you knowing".