Quiet, ears ringing and all I can hear is my thoughts on replay
I thrash, and scream but no one can hear me
My thoughts drown out my screams,
Am I even screaming?
A cry for help tumbles from my thoughts to my mouth and the thoughts stop.
Is it over?
The morning dew settles
like tears on rose petals.
They cry out for time to return -
and beckon lost seasons
of God-given reasons
as sad notes on my guitar yearn.
You're queen of the givers.
It brings to me shivers
that I was so selfishly made.
Your name defines 'humble'
as my words now crumble
on flowers that I now invade.
Your hands were like Heaven,
beyond just the people you knew -
from city to country,
from wealthy to hungry -
and all of the rest of us too.
As butterflies flutter,
I still try to utter
some truth of your beautiful love.
But now, it is just us -
and words don't bring justice
as sunlight spills down from above.
Those simple deflections
of sunlight's reflections
now glimmer like diamonds at play -
in memories briefly
that I see routinely
as if they were just yesterday.
I am not deserving
of all I'm observing
in memories coming to mind -
surrounded by perfume
with roses in full bloom
recalling that you were most kind.
I'll always remember
that freezing December
when I erred and brought you to tears.
When you found me straying,
for me, you were praying -
and over the many long years.
Some mothers are brand new,
but none can compare to
my rose-petal mother, that's true.
While laughter was looming,
our smiles were blooming.
There's none other better than you.
I do so adore you -
shall always continue.
I'd never trade you for another.
Up deep from the earth-plow,
what words can I sing now?
I love you, my rose-petal mother.
Alive still, your caring,
through rose petal sharing.
So many, I can't see them all.
Afloat on the breezes,
each rose petal eases
the pain of the weak as they fall.
Your petals continue
to live on without you.
They float around ever so free.
Like soft downy feather,
I don't wonder whether
some petals will fall upon me.
It's not at all easy
to sing thoughts so deeply
when sung with my dusty guitar.
I find I've distorted
all good you're recorded.
My rose-petal mother, you are.
And it's not by my choice
I miss hearing your voice,
so moistness now covers my eyes.
With fingers still strumming
I hear myself humming
while words get choked up in my cries.
With eyes very blurry
I'm now in no hurry
to vacate this most sacred place.
I can't be more lonely.
I wish I could only
receive one more loving embrace.
I love you so deeply
that when I am sleepy
see rose petals filling the sky.
My rose-petal mother,
my rose-petal mother,
I'll see you in Heaven... Bye bye.
©2017 louis gander - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
I've become stagnant.
lost beyond repair..
Tuning out the lust of belonging in this world..
covering packining heart murmurs when love has found its way from my sight..
I've become aware that I'll probably never be wanted..
ive lost my mind inside of my dreams where all of the things that I long for come true.
no more wet pillow cases and dried up blood stains as I try to feel something..
Because that's really all I want
Is to feel something..
and I've lost..
Lost it all
no longer wanting to feel anything but the dreams i've barricaded myself around...
and no one can find me.
Sometimes when things get really bad,
I’ll look at a poem about my dad.
It helps to redirect my anger
Onto a person who deserves the slander
Of my depression, but he doesn’t even know
The stress that he’s put in my family’s abode.
It’s crazy how one person can cause so much stress.
You shouldn’t be the cause of this pain in my chest.
Everything that I hear coming from my sibling’s mouths
Is how much they get to go to see their other mother’s spouse
While I’m at home, questioning if I am even real.
If you could understand the painful circumstance I deal with.
I don’t even know if you exist, have I been lied to?
Is everything that I know about life a lie too?
Cause I can lie too. But I’m not like you.
I know I can’t run away, so I sit and cry for you.
These eyes have seen too much blood, sweat and tears
To have to back down. I’m finally working towards my career.
If I get famous, and you hear my name, loud in the news,
Will you recognize that your first daughter has grown up dude?
Probably not. You’ll be too busy drinking beer.
You probably living off some lady, you don’t even care.
You probably hopping house to house, looking for a place to sleep.
You probably haven’t realized that there’s nothing left of me.
You know what…
I’m so done with your bull and all the pain.
Ever since you left before I even had a brain
We’ve had problems
And I’ve solved them
Without any help and without a father
I’m always running
From all of the fire that’s chasing me down.
I can’t touch the ground.
It’s too far away and I’m scared now.
I’m scared, wow.
And you do not care. Ow...
I wrote this a very long time ago and it wasn't originally a poem! I just separated it into sections so it was in a more poem-like format. I felt like it had emotion behind it, so I decided to post it. Here's the "poem" -
It really hurts.
It hurts like hell.
It's hurts more than a thousand needles piercing my skin.
It's a sinking feeling.
A sinking feeling in my stomach, in my heart.
I don't know what to believe anymore. My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells another.
I'm at war with myself, and I'm completely losing. I've lost myself. Utterly, and almost completely.
I can smile, I can laugh. But that's only when I forget. And as soon as I remember, I'm knocked right back down again. And no one seems to care. No one cares enough to ask.
Because, who cares about ME? None of my friends, none of my family. It's hell on Earth, because I know it's not their job to notice! It's my job to tell them!
But I'm petrified. I'm scared I'll disappoint them. Make them run away. Make them think I'm weird. Make them feel like I've gone crazy.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe I've gone completely crazy!
But who cares anymore?
Definitely not myself.
We said goodbye.
I'm not gonna cry.
You make me feel happy.
My fire was burning.
I could smile all day.
This feeling of yearning.
I feel the passion
and it made me feel free.
Like honey so sweet.
With such high intensity.
I know it was wrong.
But this feeling felt so strong.
I needed you more.
More than you needed me.
Deep in my heart I knew
this could never be.
I don't blame it on you.
Just don't understand
my feelings for you.
I have to let you go.
Time to end this show.
Before it gets out of hand.
This feeling will fade away.
And disappear like footprints
in the sand...