Everyday passes in my own little torment,
I keep it all in my head--the room is spinning.
It's tug-a-war with my mind and my heart,
pulling at me 'til the rope tears apart.
Ripped in vain, I'm hopeless again.
Again and again, again and again.
A thought is the trigger
the rooms getting bigger;
Getting smaller with pessimism
the more I see less of him.
It's over and its over, it's over and its over.
It's over and its over; its over and its over.
I wish I was over it; I wish this was new.
I wish Love was like the clothes you outgrew.
But loves not an object, loves in the mind--
endorphin's that spin to make you unwind.
These words I can't write them more ways then I have,
but they're all I have left in the aftermath.
The memory, that feeling, the love that we shared...
It's gone and its over, no one ever cared.
You didn't care; you didn't care;
You didn't care; you didn't care.
No one ever wondered how I fared...
And it's over.
What do I do?
Closer… I’m not ready.
Closer… I don’t want this.
Closer… Help me.
Closer… I’m too late.
Alcohol breath with a mix of tobacco,
Eyes that had abandoned all emotion.
Why did I think I could push down my fear?
How naive I was!
I see it’s fist clenched and come up.
I’m knocked to the floor.
My cheek red and swollen.
They do it again,
I scream and plead for them to stop, but they don’t. They never do.
Next, is feet.
A ruby liquid is enveloping around me.
No matter what I do or how hard I push or how loud I scream, they continue harder.
It’s laughing… at my pain.
A laugh that will forever haunt me.
My vision… blurry.
My head pulsating.
I know… I’m going to die.
If the cause for all this would have been different then would I have had a better life?
They suddenly stopped and I thought it was over.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I felt a hand, their hand slide up my shirt.
Going to my bra and squeezing the outside. They licked their lips as if they enjoyed the look of horror swells up in my eyes.
Wrapping the very same hand around my back and clips off my bra.
Pushing up both my bra and shirt, they flicked my nipple, twisting it between their fingers.
I don’t want this!
I push harder, I don’t want to die like this.
Screaming louder, hoping someone can hear my cries for help, my throat burning for some water.
They gave a hard slap to my face, adding onto the countless bruises, as a warning to shut up and then continued to feel me up.
Crimson drops flow freely down my bruised face and into the puddle beneath me.
My bones growing tired and the strength I had, in the beginning, is slowly depleting, but I can’t give up.
I can see it.
I can see her, walking out with pure wings strapped to her,
looking even more heavenly than the last time I saw her.
I look up and into the eyes of the person on top of me.
I can feel their other hand reaching for my pants.
“I love you,” I whisper, my voice raspy.
They stop and meet my eyes, confused.
“Even if you hate me. I know you think it’s my fault she died
and punish me for it. I let you because I thought so too.”
Their face is cloudy. My vision growing blacker.
“Since she died, I’ve put up with this abuse and I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to hate you, even as you do this.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I took her from you.
You will always hate me for what I have done.
I don’t blame you if you do.
I can’t go back and fix what has been done.
You don’t know how much I wish it was me instead.”
The eyes that had been dead, since her, softened.
“I need you to do something for me. For us.
We need you live like we never entered your life.
We both want you to be happy, but if you keep holding onto the past,
you never will. Do not mourn over us.”
My vision is going in and out and the light is getting brighter.
“I love you, daddy.”
I feel water falling on my face.
He’s crying. He cares.
My heart starts to slow down and skin grows cold.
I run to her, to mom, and jump into her awaiting arms.
Tears of joy.
I close my eyes and wait for the darkness to take over.
The last of my words cascaded out of my stained lips,
A cheesy pickup line
Grand parade of flattery
You’re first in line
Surprise, I’m here
I can’t stay long
How many kisses?
I lost count
You’re too good for me
I’m glad you’re in my life
You make me happy
I’m not seeing anyone else
It’s not possible for me to stop liking you
I’m just really busy
All of the things you said and did
Run around my head
Like a haunted carousel
I’m reluctant to ride again.
I mute my heartbreak by reminiscing
In betweens of our beginning and end.
Then I think
You couldn’t remember the color of my eyes,
Even if you were staring right at them.
I remember every smile you cracked,
And the way your half naked body danced.
Saving a list of your favorite things,
Should I ever forget.
(I never did.)
My thief in broad daylight,
How I adored your lies.
Your someone new
Was the reason you stopped making time,
And I wasn’t worth a poem
Or an apology,
Much less a goodbye.
So, this is mine.
You’re losing your grip on me
Your control built on hate
Is crumbling away
I am healing
Someday there will be no part of me
That you have touched
Bruises have faded long ago
Internal scars take longer
My sense of self
Was nonexistence with you
Because of you, because of me
Someday I will no longer feel your hands
On me, hurting me
The memory will fade
I will no longer remember
Of black and blue
I am happy today
Knowing that soon
I will forget you
Forget the shouting
Sounds of broken things
Crashing against the wall
Forget the feel of your hands
Filling me with disgust
I am still in pain
The aftermath of a war
That you declared on me
Your words still have a hold
But they are fading
Just like you
We move on so carelessly with an unsaid goodbye
We tickle our cheeks with tears we would never admit we cried
We even hold it into the brim until our eyes become red and swollen
And we let our voice tremble, our chins even shake and give in
Yet the months pass and become years so fast
And we bathe in hot tears for all the cold years
And we live on with our days accustomed to these ways
But just know that I would have rather choked on a said goodbye
Than to have lived all my days with a silent cry
oh oh muse...
oh oh muse...
will your vacation here last forever?
holding hands hence and kiss
so many call you at their side
time to bring all of your juice tonight
inspiration and windfall your vanity
take me to an cosmos free of promulgation
give a touch to my trembling hatch
I feel like dust
and the pages...
oh muse ...
scratched and peeling...
no odour at all
no colour at all
only the light that makes them spicy
if you're there step by step come stand by me
I need you
petrified my skin, statue my corpse
I see only blue
a window of vanity
Sober bodies, sober souls
I wonder if you'll ever know
Of the love i have for the tip of your nose
And the frames on your face when your eyelids close
Sober bodies, tipsy souls
Just maybe, one day I'll know
The way it feels when i see you flow
The smell of your skin when you hold me close
Sober bodies, drunken souls
In a state that i want to know
Will we ever see each other grow?
Or will we each stay on paths of our own?
dRuNkeN b0Dy, sober soul
Because I have no choice but to see you go.
I haven't smoked for
thirty-six days, I know
I never thought I'd get
that far either but I did
Though last night, misery
was consuming every
bit of me so I bought a
bottle of gin and a pack of
marlboro red hoping
it would ease and
loosen things up
While I drank and smoked
my pain away, I gazed up
the sky and smiled though
my heart stung
It was a bright crescent
moon, millions of
stars shined beautifully
through it and I saw
an airplane pass by, too
then I thought to myself,
"Baby, you'd love this so
much! I wish I could call
you and tell you how amazing
it is tonight.."
I let out a long sigh as I
smoked my fifth cigarette
while I wipe my tears away