I thought I knew what love was,
And I said to myself that I could feel it,
I just needed someone who was willing to walk with me.
But then you arrived, being exactly what I expected,
You came and I thought it would be possible,
I was wrong.
Babe, I'm so fucked up,
I'm so broken that it's impossible for me to see beyond my eyelashes,
I can’t let you in, I don’t want to
I hurt you, I'm sorry.
You gave me so much,
I never could return you.
You gave me your heart,
I couldn't show you mine.
You showed me the moon and you taught me about each constellation again,
You told me about fears and joys,
About doubts and regrets.
You opened your chest and told me about your past,
You didn’t even blink when you traced a future with me,
You took my hand and told me we were the present.
But honey, I couldn’t do it,
I took a part of you that I thought I needed,
You couldn’t fix me,
I didn’t let you.
Until the last day you never understood me (me neither),
Until the last word you never knew me (me neither),
When you said it was over I smiled,
I don’t deserve you.
Be happy, find what I’ll never be capable to give you,
thanks for this goodbye,
I couldn’t have done it.
I miss my best friend
I miss giggling
I miss arts and crafts
I miss netflix watching
I miss my best friend
Letting go of your favorite balloon as a child was heartbreaking but you almost felt at peace knowing it was going up and going to reach the stars one day
Maybe I need to think that
Why does high school need to tear apart good friendships and create groups of plastics
Best Friend is a not a label i give out lightly
So how do i rip it from someone that i’ve superglued it on to and it’s sit for 4 years
I cannot make their decisions
I cannot choose their actions
All I can do is sit and pray
And it kills me
I see her change
I see she is not like before
I see that she doesn’t really care
I see that group rubbing off on her like sharp cheddar on a grader
Collecting all of think mold inside of her
She become so full of it she forgets to clean herself off.
She forgets her roots
Her tree is flourishing with fruits and leaves that the people around her validate her for
She forgets her roots that i loved
I cannot cut her down
I cannot turn her into a stump
The only thing I can do it sit along her trunk and wait to see
Wait to see if when all her fruits falls down she remembers
Wait to see if my balloon comes floating down
Wait to see if that superglue held on
Wait to see if my best friend comes back
I have no intentions of seeing you fall down.
Nor be happy while everything crumbles in front of you.
I've been there, where you are right now.
The reality you wanted to see,
seems like an impossible dream.
You've turned your back to me when I offered my hands.
You've pushed me away when I'm willing to hug all your
Your broken pieces cut through my heart.
I was wounded by my own love to you.
Dear, I'd still wanted to hold you close to mine.
Until all your pieces are fixed together.
While mine are being cut apart.
But seems like this is not what you want.
If seeing you fall down is what you wanted me to look,
I won't see it.
If cutting all of ties will bring you peace,
I'll grant it to you.
If me being out of sight would relieve you,
I'll gladly walk away.
I covered up all my love for you with words of hate.
If that would help you feel a less guilty.,
I'll live under that covers.
I don't mind being branded as the bad person in your story.
But if blocking me away will help you,
Then I'll be the first to leave.
Finding happiness is what I wanted to see from you.
No tears, just smile.
But I know that happiness is not with me.
I once woke up in the middle of the night and saw the silhouette of your side from the light of your television.
I smiled and imagined driving a car over the curve of your hip into the dip of your side.
I imagined all the hands that held onto your back that didn’t appreciate the way it carried you when you wanted to stop trying.
I wondered if the next girl would appreciate these tiny things about you.
I wondered if she'd watch you nod while a cigarette hung loose from your lips as you drove.
I wondered if she’d watch you drive with your knees, carefully trying to drink your third cup of black hot coffee.
I wonder if she’d care that the demons that slept behind those blue eyes were whispering again or if you had even told her of how they tormented you.
I wondered if her skin would sear as you moved her hair from her face.
I wondered if she could make you blush how I have.
I wondered if you would let her in deeper than I was allowed.
I wondered if you had told her of the nights I held your face while you cried.
I wondered if you could teach her how to love you as hard as I tried.
I wonder if you make her feel like home?
Minutes seem like hours. Days seem like weeks. I just can’t get him out of my head. I feel like every part of my body is ripped open. There is an emptiness inside me; a black hole where my heart used to be.
Something you should know about goodbyes:
There isn’t anything good about them.
I used to drag washcloths over my skin for hours at a time; as if it could possibly erase the tattoo that his touch had burned into my skin, searing every inch of porcelain that used to be filled with goosebumps at even the thought of him.
Then I would stare at my raw and red arms, imagining little bugs crawling underneath, taunting me. He left you, he left you, he left you. He doesn’t love you, he never loved you. Washcloths turned into my nails, scraping even numbers of lines into my skin. He’ll find someone better, he’ll forget about you.
Items were thrown across rooms. Glass was smashed. Tears were shed. Words scraped across my apartment walls, burning holes into my memory. “I can’t take this anymore.” I know what he was trying to say. “You’re too broken. No use loving someone like you.”
I’m too distraught to bother flicking my lights on and off twenty-eight times before going to sleep. Doors are locked once. Teeth are brushed once. Beds are left unmade and glass is left scattered around the kitchen floor.
It all seems pointless now.
I still think there isn’t anything good about goodbyes.
Especially because I never got one from you.
No one can love you no more.
No one could ever love you.
Just end the pain your in.
You've already ruined everything.
Your family doesn't even love you.
Your friends won't care.
You'll finally for-fill your destiny.
There's no repairing the damaged.
There is no savior to love you.
Nor to save you.
You think you'll be satisfied in another life, but you're just running around in circles. Your search will continue until you end up on a desolate beach,
and one day when you have to face the tide, you're going to wish i was there to find your breath in once again.
they say that there are things that you can never unsee
images forever burned into the folds of your brain
and yet I think that there are even more things that you can’t unhear
those things that you want to drown out with music you didn’t even know you had
like that song you’ve just found
and it is new to you and the words may not be that clear for now
but a part of you understands
a part of you feels the string of notes every single moment that song lasts
a part of you understands somehow
like cars passing by the street outside your house at midnight
they are mere whooshes in your dreamlike state
their lights stay for too little of a time
and you can’t help but wonder
of where they are rushing to or what place they go home to
whooshes on cement carrying stories you will never know
like the little crack of disappointment in a relative’s voice
when they learn that you want to be something other than what they want you to be
and you try to laugh it off
but it’s a sting you never thought you would feel again after all this time
and then suddenly how well you’ve been doing doesn’t seem to matter
every single time you thought your smiles could reach the sky doesn’t seem to matter
because how can achievements in a path they disapprove of be something to be proud of?
how can something you fit better into feel wrong?
like the soft ripping of a paper envelope as it’s opened
and you’ve been tense for months about this one thing
and here it is in black and white and colors you wanted to associate with a new beginning
but instead it is all of what your worrying nagged you about
it is the words of the voice in your head printed out on thin paper
here is where the world feels like it drops
the only sound is of the letter being put back into its envelope
gently willing it to disappear
like the silence of someone after you speak
and you hear everything else like a click of a pen or a shifting of positions
your mind runs over a hundred, a thousand things
maybe they didn’t hear what you said?
maybe they don’t want to talk about it?
maybe they don’t get what you’re saying?
maybe you should start a new conversation?
you understand that silence should not be regarded as something bad
but here you are
choked by the possibility of them thinking you’re annoying
and that voice tells you to shut up
however the silence makes nerves tumble out of your mouth
why can’t you stop?
like the dull tapping of your fingertips on a keyboard
it’s been a while since you’ve allowed yourself this
months of pushing down the emotions that tug at you
and all you want to do is punch the words out of you
but there is nothing in the muddle that used to serve you so well
there is nothing because the thought of doing this pulls you deeper into the abyss
how you loved doing this before the world decided to tell you you do it wrong
you may have said that this was a part of you
and it is now another part you have lost
like the short bursts of shouting that you hear every time you take out your earphones
and you are reminded yet again why you keep them in
you are so tired of the voices, so tired of the fighting
you hear the scrape of the dining room chair you’re in as you push away after a meal
and you know too well that that is the last sound you want to hear outside of the music you blast
sometimes you think about how a lot can be different if only some events did not happen
and it is cruel to think that but you do it all the same
life had been peaceful before
now ruined by something you don’t have control over anymore
like the soft music at a small gathering
and there is laughter and glasses clinking and the shuffle of everyone’s steps
you block out that thought in your head that digs its claws
but as soon as you are driving home and staring at the streetlights
everything hits you at 50 miles an hour
you wonder how long your smile stayed there
you wonder if anybody sees it falter
and you can’t even explain to anyone why this happens
because you don’t know the answer yourself
like the constant questions
about why you want to do this or why you’re like this
asking about what you’ve decided on after years of confusion and debates with yourself
and they are too curious, too questioning of how you came upon those decisions
they try to offer explanations of what they think can be better for you
and it is like they do not trust you to know what is best for yourself
they think that what you want and the way you identify yourself isn’t what should be
and all your life you’ve been told that you can’t be this and you can’t do that
so now what should you be?
like the thud thud of your tears on a pillow
and you don’t even know where it hurts anymore
all you know is that when you hold that plushie you’ve had forever
a thousand pinpricks run along your arms and your chest
breathing will never be easy and here you are
too aware of the sound of choking back your cries
because there are things that the world doesn’t have to know
and one of them is how there are days you fracture
after weeks of not even knowing what it is exactly to feel
like the goodbyes after a few hours of talking in a cramped café
you know you’ll see them again but there is an emptiness as you go home
a part of you acknowledges the fact that they aren’t that far away
another part feels the longing for another hour, another hug
you know of each other’s schedules and how it is not practical to keep meeting up
but you want to cling to something other than your pillows and your wavering sanity
and having them with you has helped in a way that you miss instantly
as you are once again plunged into the reality of it all
it is the clock ticks as you wait for something to end
it is the steadying breath you take as you reel yourself back from the hell of your thoughts
it is the song you now use as a lullaby when your system refuses sleep
it is the drum of rain against windows as you try to find yourself again
there are sounds I will never unhear
and there will be days that I can’t stand to be me
but there will be sounds that pull me back
there are days that I continue to fight the voices
and that is what I should always remember.