ignited**
by you
and the love that
you don't give.

a cigarette on his dry lips,
he is cold, he grips
onto the lit cigarette,
imagining a person's
neck,
and he is determined
to break it.

why don't you sleep?
why don't you take the leap?

what makes you so afraid?
why does your life fade?

without your beauty sleep,
you will be a creep,
with purple circles
and no miracles.

nothing helps you,
nothing keeps you,
you are alone,
and all along you've known.

tomorrow,
i will see you hand in hand
with her,
stepping out of the
hospital.
and you will look
and be happy,
because you're with her,
now.
i was,
i am,
and i will be,
just another phase in
your life,
a phase you want to forget,
and soon enough,
you will forget about me and
all of our unforgettable memories.

but i never will,

today,
i heard that you had
a bike accident.
you hit your bike
into a **** tree.
what were you focused
on, that you didn't
notice a **** tree?
maybe it was her.

she always catches your attention,

yesterday,
i saw you,
driving your bike
through the crowded
park,
with a smile on your
enchanting face.

perhaps you were thinking about her,
and that's what made you smile.

i siт неre,
оn тнis old
вus seaт,
neхт то тне
dirту window,
drunк and нigн,
analyzing and тнinкing
aвouт нow мiseraвle
and fucкed up му
life is,

and тнis вus is eмpту
and sтill driving,
and soмевоdy нasn‘т такеn
тнis seaт nexт то ме,
and мayве,
iт will sтау тнат way

you,
unlike mom,
were always calm
and collected.
but you were so
oblivious,
you had no idea what she did
to me,
that monster you loved so much
was so unfair to me,
but you were too clueless to notice.
i can not blame you, dad,
she always put that mask around
you, so you couldn't figure it out,
even if you wanted to.

i cried for a month straight
when you passed away,
and mom was so calm
about it, i don't think
she ever loved you.

but i still love you, dad,
i love you in ways she never could,
i still love you, even though
your feet no longer walk
on this earth.

*and i am sorry, that i turned into
her,
so, so sorry,
i never wanted to
disappoint you,

you would think mothers
supposed to be good and caring
parents,
and i would like to think
that you were an evil monster
that always put me down
and never believe i could
do anything,
well, congratulations,
mom,
you were right and you
won that battle against me,
the one that you fought
for so many years.

thank you, mom,
your assumptions,
-like always- were correct,
and you made me the
monster that i am today.

*i wouldn't want to
be anything else,

that black leather,
surrounding your waist,
back and shoulders,
all i want to do
is grip tight on it
and never let go,
as we are driving on this
old, used motorbike
without our helmets,
like we are just waiting,
and wanting our lives
to come to
an end,
thinking we are dangerous
and cool,
when we are just
young and reckless.

your heart isn't
beating anymore,
i broke it and left.

i woke up,
in a different clothing,
and a different bed from
mine.
the gray t-shirt stuck
to my sweaty skin,
and i got out of the untidy
bed, to find the source
of the delicious pancakes
smell.
what i found weren't
pancakes,
but a lying, lifeless
body on the kitchen
floor and burnt
breakfast.

when my heart is
empty,
you fill me like
battery.

and you will
find me lying
on the floor,
looking happy for
the first time,
even though,
i will be in
hell,
where i truly belong.

you are better off
without me than with me.
and i am better off
without you than with you.
you should just save
your time and energy
and let me go,
and i should just save
my time and energy
and let you go.
but you do not want to,
and i do not want to.

it's amazing,
really,
how can you fall
in love with somebody
in such a short
amount of time
and end up loving
them forever,
even though,
you know they will
never be yours and
you'll never be theirs.

look at the stars, darling.
look how they sparkle and shine,
only for you
i said to her, lying on the wet grass.
but there are no stars
she furrowed her black eyebrows
and looked at me.
that's right, darling. nothing ever
shines for you. you are worthless
i simplify and kiss her forehead.
i know*
she whisperes while she closes
her blue eyes and falls asleep
on my shoulder.

all she wants to do
is get lost,
walk into some
unfamiliar alley
and disappear
from the world,
to build something
of her own.
and after all,
it‘s a big city,
nobody will
find her,
and she doesn't want
to be found.

laughing at nothing
specific,
you said you could
swim the pacific.

i didn't believe you,
of course
and that's when you
headed for the doors.

i laughed harder,
at your blunt escape.
but you thought
that this was a date.

i gave you a
disapproving look,
and you stared at me
until your hands with
mine hooked.

you kissed me out
of the blue,
and you smiled against
my lips because you knew
it was true.

and i realized that
with a couple of drinks,
you can do a lot of
brave things.

an illusion,
a superior mirage,
one that is complex and
unusual,
is often the most beautiful
of all.
complexity is stronger,
more beautiful and more powerful than you
because you're just
simple and ordinary,
nobody wants that,
nobody wants you.