On my own terms;
But I thought I could always come back.
That it would always be
And now it's gone.
One by one, the pieces trickle.
The people. The place.
I don't want them lost.
I don't want them tainted.
My jacket. Oh, god, my jacket.
Soaked in tears, sweat, love.
It's branded with your name.
With our name.
And now that name is gone.
And the one in its place is filled with sorrow.
You are no longer there.
It is no longer home.
I promised you I would come back.
I promised you but a week ago.
But oh, what a week will bring.
Friend, my dear, sweet friend,
I cannot come back.
This is no longer my home.
It is just a place,
Located just outside of my heart.
For fifteen years you were my home.
For fifteen years you kept me from the rain.
You were there when my parents were late at work.
You were there when I needed a place to love.
You were there when I needed a place to call home.
You were my friends.
You were my family.
You taught me how to love.
You taught me happiness.
You taught me that I could call you home.
And you were the one who slammed the door in my face.
And over again.
You said you wanted this to be a place of inclusiveness,
and you were the one who made me feel alone.
So often was I there when you cried.
So often did you say you were proud of me.
So often did you call me a friend.
But that's not what you showed me.
From you I learned pain. From you I felt alone.
And you said no one was ever alone.
For fifteen years I called you my home.
But you never were.
And now I say goodbye.
Now I leave.
You gave me a rose, but I left with thorns.
And I thank you for that.
I thank you for the love.
I thank you for the friends.
I thank you for the family.
But just because you gave me my family;
does not mean you were mine.
You changed, and not for the better.
I sit here in this jacket.
Your name stitched across the top.
My real family in my pocket.
Thank you for the memories, but
I will not forget.
I will never forget how I felt when I left.
i’m sorry. for everything. wholeheartedly. i’m sorry for leaving you with empty space i felt uneasy filling. for doubting you were my scripted setting. for losing faith that you could fully foster me. for getting too comfortable, falling victim to fickle feelings. for getting caught in the hypnosis of distance. for taking your endless roads for granted when they cradled me along. i’m sorry i didn’t listen when they said light is crucial to grow. and not the artificial kind i’ve come to know. i don’t love what i left you for like i thought i would. now i’m slowly learning a lesson in choosing rash choices. you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. some cliches are that way for a reason. but best believe i’m drenched in the karma of leaving you in the embers. i’m burning too but in other worse ways. you see, consequence caught up to me. it’s coarsened my skin and forces fake smiles. it lodges pits in my guts and steals lustre from thoughts. i’ve suffered. i deserve it. but make it not for nothing. because i miss your aura. i miss your seas. i miss the way we moved with ease. i don’t know a god, but i pray to the sky, that you haven’t forgotten those paramount nights. where we made memoirs out of nothing more than time. the moments we drank each other in. i soaked in your sun, and you in my skin. dear, dear home, please take me back. if you haven’t filled my space with a more steady heart, we can rework our tempos or just restart. it’s a tough sell, i know, but i’m ready to evolve. be my sunstone. be my backbone. be a part of me in any way. i’ll turn my insides to clay to be what you need. whatever it is just please, please, please.
a misplaced migrant
20000 miles and all the wonders of the world behind you, ahead the sparkle of love and tears in the eyes of those that have missed you most.
i long to be
your first cup of coffee
sleepy eyes awake,
whilst you feel the warmth
spread through your bones.
i long to be
the reminder of home
felt with each
now an essential part
of your daily ritual.
i long for you
to spend the day thinking
of when you might
taste me next,
leaving hints of cinnamon
and sweetness on your lips.
- this morning, with her, having coffee.
Remembering the way
you pulled me close to your heart in the promises
of never breaking me
staying here, dancing in my mind
in the dark
making the tensity in my body, release
telling me you love me, keeping yourself hostage
in my body,
i listen deeply.
i am home to you.
no matter where i go, you're chasing me out of love.
and sometimes mind gets lost
but mind always come home
finally, i can post again.
If you ask my grandmothers
they’ll say my father was a jazz man
in a pinstripe suit
When I pull up to the faded
yellow house with the worn smooth
stairs and a screen door
snap, sunflowers stoop
by the apple orchard heavy
with ants’ sweet bliss
where the day buzzes dry
but the nights are getting cooler now
the girls come running
and I hold their softness close,
breathe in the beating promise of rolling
thunder rousing wild rain
on window pane
cold winds rise, leaves will fall
velvet silence settles
and inside there is music—
the kind to throw my arms
toward heaven and laugh
and there he is twinkling, fingers trip
happy across pale keys
old bones forgotten
rhythm shivers free
and we sing
we sing till there’s no breath, until my face
irons smooth, my heart
Autumn changes air to music
and music is
a house just ain't a home without you in it.
I believe Home moves on;
without you, if it must.
And you find that when you try to return Home,
Home has changed,
Or it has grown.
Or it has moved out,
just like you did.