I must have done something terribly unforgiving,
To have made you, my love, to get away from me.
I must have committed a grave mistake,
By loving you too much, for now I have nothing for myself.
I must have been blind, my dear
To have overlooked the cracks in our sacred bond right from the start.
But I swear, if I were to go back into the past
I'd erase it all and lay down a new stone for the path
For I must have done something wrong.
I used to think I had the power
Thought I could have been her man of the hour
And how can I keep holding my head in my hands
Thinking where did what we had end
All I say doesn't seem to make sense
Unless you're a person who has been where I am
I used to feel like a soldier
I used to be her shoulder
I could weigh all the hate in my hands
But lately, I don't feel like much of a man
When all these little things are ripping at me
All the smallest things won't give me a break
Maybe I just need to get away
Not sure if I have what it takes
To catch the glass before it breaks
But I can't surrender to the mess
Even though it has me caught in chains
Soon I'll prove I can stand before who I am
Even though I couldn't bare this reflection before
You gotta love and believe in yourself
Before you can truly love somebody else.
©2017 Written By Benji James
I kept you around because you knew me,
You knew my story,
The meaning behind tired.
What I forgot was that I gave you that privilege,
The chance to stay even after the door had been locked,
The opportunity to hold me close when all you did was let me go and watch me come right back,
Like the bright red yo-yo you had when you were a kid.
I had forgotten I had given you a right to see me at my weakest,
I did that.
There was a time before you,
When I knew no such thing as a hand wrapped around my throat in your tight fist when fists were made for Rock-Paper-Scissors,
When scars were thrown across my body when I thought scars were from battle wounds earned by soldiers fighting for a country they loved,
There was a time when a man hitting a woman never crossed my mind,
That only happened in dramatic movies and horror films.
You gave me a reason to open my eyes to see the world in a way that I thought I would never have to look in but I guess,
Thank you for the caution that I have adopted into my life,
Thank you for darkness I can hide myself in when I feel unsafe,
Thank you for the heartbreak,
For the chance to understand that pain exists in the world,
A world I never knew and would not have been able to survive in because I was too gentle.
I was delicate,
My skin only flushed when it reached embarrassment and not with shamefulness,
I was untouched in a way only God could understand but even now,
My faith shakes in the light that points into my face when I am being questioned by my alter ego.
It was what I had wanted, right?
Because how do you let someone stay after purple kisses are given to you by their fists,
How do you let someone climb into your body unwillingly if you were stripped numbly by their hands and you were too frozen to object.
You must have wanted it,
It's the worst thing when you ruined your dreams yourself
Walked away, put your life on the shelf
In the end it's too late to deal with fate
Or is it just the dark days that keep you from being great?
Remembering the victories, the triumphs, the things you have done
Can they really so easily disappear, fade away like unwritten history, all this time gone?
You have lost your momentum, you were spoiled from winning and not accustomed to lose
How many more times does the same mistake need to happen to you?
Will you ever find out what is right or wrong?
You thought you had it figured but spring, summer, fall and winter, it's all a different song
Just when you think all is good, your life is saved and truth is found
It's shattered to pieces, once more, and you're alone, waiting for love to come back around
Back in my old days, I wrote to myself
A daily reminder, to use every day,
Not to forget the things
I thought were important back then.
"Feed your pets,
Do your bed.
Do not feed your school regrets.
Ignore the roses' red,
Keep your head in clouds, silver-gray,
Everything I need is right here.
Every day, now in May,
You are your own seer."
That is how I see it now,
Material and shallow
Important was none of it, for it
Did not mention
A mother's hug
To love and cherish
One and another
To forgive and forget
To appreciate things
...I didn't know would disappear.
G etting used to the fact that no matter how much we try to talk, you aren't really there
O nly way I can cope is by writing this
N ever would have thought that you would be silent
E very time I was under the impression that you were ok
W hen I asked how I could help, I let you work it out
I n a constant loop
T ired of constantly being sad all the time
H esitant about letting you know how much you hurt me
T entative about telling you what I should have told you that day
H onsetly wondering how I haven't cried every night
W ondering what would have happened if we worked it out
I ndecisive about standing up for myself or just giving up
N ever have been this low in my life
D oubt that you made the right decision leaving me