On a blank canvas
Plain and dull,
I drew her in black and white
As a simple sketch.
I wanted her to be perfect.
with every stroke I made,
I quickly rubbed away,
Smudging everything that wasn't quite perfect,
Leaving a faint, lifeless image on the page.
she is an emotionless mess,
a misbegotten idea.
She is no portrait
Hanging on the wall,
Not even a drawing,
Just a blurred soul-
A still life.
Ive been packing up my memories in an enormous box
One of those old wooden trunks with heavy metal locks
Ive been thinking on the past and disregarding the pain
Ive looked at all the photographs; the image is the same
Ive shoved it in a corner, in my attic and my mind
A dark and dank forgotten place where it is hard to find
Yet sometimes I will think on it and dig out my old key
To look on my mistakes and know now that I am free
You want to move on
But you lie to my face
You say you're tired of talking about it
As if I love talking about your mistakes
You blame me for making you this way
I can admit I did my share
You see me hurt and still pile on
Because you don't really care
You know that leaving you is hard
And it only boosts your ego
You should know that every time I cry
A piece of me is letting go...
i do nothing
i do nothing but sit
i do nothing but ponder
i do absolutely nothing but wonder
is this all there is ? is this all thats left ?
you wouldn't know it but i miss it
i think you do too or at least you know what i mean
i miss it i miss it genuinely with every bit of myself
terrible for me my god it was awful completely awful
destroying myself from the inside out
my immature body aging by 10 years with the things I've done
but i miss it i miss them
once you start something and you know what it does
theres something about it
it doesn't make you want to stop
and it doesn't make you want to quit and drop to your knees
and repent and plead for forgiveness for days on end
no rather it.... it simply adds to the appeal
you know with a capital 'K' that you shouldn't be doing it
yet you glance over your shoulder and continue as simple as that
and you think that someone would say that you shouldn't
that you should put it down stop what you're doing
get it out of you as soon as possible that you should stop
before something truly awful happens
but they don't actually isn't that funny ?
they just watch and watch as you continue to die
so yes i miss it
so yes i miss them
i miss it like i had one yesterday
i miss the way i would be enabled by others
i miss the way it made my insides feel
it made me feel wrong and like i would drop and begin to detach and spill out at any moment
i miss the way it obliterated my anxiety
i miss the way it added to my depression
making me numb and unconscious to the fact
that everything around me was going wrong
it wasn't very good but it was beneficial and my god
how i miss it
The walls around me
tower over me even
in such a short room.
Unfriendly reminders of
and the chain
and shackles of my past.
What is it like
I have taken a step backward,
but still somehow I've
managed to fall on my ass -
stuck in neutral
in this guarded dungeon?
My walls are worn
from neglect, and now
I have allowed them to crumble.
And here I kneel,
weak and alone,
crying out for that one thing
everyone wants from an empty home,
but the echoes are
my only friends.
I don't seek validation now
I do things for myself.
I don't care whether they like me or not
Not seeing whether I look beautiful in their eyes anymore.
After 26 long years, I have started to see myself as I am.
I don't care I look good or bad.
I care how my loved ones are,
I care how I look upon myself
Not caring the blue days at all.
Things go wrong
and yes, I messed up quite often
My mistakes defines me to be a better me each day.
And now I have learned to be me,
not seeking validation at all.
Yes, I am me now.