Where do you get off
saying such things so aloft
Things you don't deserve
words you didn't earn
Forcing feelings I cannot stand
This was never my plan
How could you be this way?
Twisted, such a poor display
of all we have been taught
who could've ever thought
We'd end up here
Feelings so severe
I can't go back.
panic attack.

I feel my knees buckle sometimes.
And my arms go limp.
It's an earth-shattering sadness.
I feel it in my bones,
In my blood,
Like it's part of me.
The kind of sad that makes my body fumble from the weight

i am exhausted.

sometimes i say things that people never laugh at,
things that people never understand,
things that people never acknowledge.

i am not the person that people
are happy to hear from,
want to see often,
enjoy being with.

after awhile it gets old.
that feeling after i say something
that adds to the conversation,
and no one even acknowledges my presence.

the feeling of a large hand
gripping tightly on your throat.
the feeling from embarrassment,
that heats your body to a thousand degrees.
the feeling of your heart shattering
because no one even noticed you were there.

my eyes start to water,
my hands start to shake,
and then, i freeze.

not freeze, as in temperature,
but as in every fiber in my being
turning to nothing,
and my heart feels broken.

it gets hard to breathe in moments like that.
moments where i pretend to look like i am okay,
and pretend like i am not overly sensitive.
moments where i feel so unwanted,
that i pretend i am not myself.

i hate myself,
and i am exhausted of being me.

i don't recognise the "girl" in the mirror anymore,
is she still there??
maybe crushed inside
the stars still burn bright just too deep for anyone to see them, or for her to see them
if i'm so uncomfortable in this body why am i still in it
i don't want to play the part anymore
i'm lost, i need to find me
however, there's something comforting about no-one seeing you, but when you leave it too long you can't see you either

parts of you can reappear,
like when you buy a new shirt,
it fits unlike the ones that cling,
you can hide in this one
but it's made for someone else
someone they don't expect you to be
and someone no-one wants you to be
but who do i want me to be
i want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see, or even just accept it and feel safe within that body that isn't just a skin like this

So, it came as no surprise,
that I got caught in your lies.
You played my heart like a toy
then crushed, with sickening joy.
Everybody around knew…
You never loved me, did you?

DEAR PENPAL PEOPLE, June *****-again-nice day!! :)


smeared upon a timeline
ran invisible funny suitable to my vision fine
as if ignored
guard unsolved

swear for that once and all
swear tears dried trickled no more
swear pounding fired hope is just words
swear that armor I wore must be permeable to swords
swear those lyrics are lost on right meanings
somethings are already ought to the bleeding

don't know how to shield
a break of relief of a happy scene from this contaminated field
crashed sad sirens
for which hell they belong silenced

wrenching
hearts a singular crushed things a dilemma of clenching
flames swallow another
don't feed me a burn to forest ashed lovers


                                                        ­                                   ------ravenfeels