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In a frantic search for my gaze,
searching my eyes just to love me- you never
truly found me in all my vibrant colours;

I apologize for the worst version of me,
that I always gave to my past lovers- I apologize
for not seeing you in all of your perfect colours;

We could have painted a beautiful picture
together.

My heart gets crushed
And cracks once more
It leaks through from the ducts of the eyes
As it makes it's way down
The carved out paths on my face
I can't forget to remember the painful why's

©2024
I call to the sky with dirt on my palms,
the fresh taste of blood still trailing down my throat;
a sense of agony still lingering in my soul.

what more do I need to do
to rid myself of this pain?

it seemed I hadn’t given enough,
so I clawed and took instead —
what more?
My guilt is starved, and it's begun eating me alive,
A hunger gnawing at the space where my secrets hide.
The sick feeling in my empty stomach grows with time,
As silence weaves its web, and truth begins to die.
The distractions aren’t distracting, they only serve to stall,
But every quiet moment, I feel my conscience crawl.
No peace comes from avoidance, no comfort from a lie,
My guilt is unsatisfied, it craves more than I supply.
It chews through the walls I built, breaks through my disguise,
Exposing every crack where I once thought I'd thrive.
No sleep can soothe its hunger, no rest can clear my mind,
My guilt keeps feasting on the truths I cannot find.
It consumes my every thought, relentless in its quest,
Devouring the parts of me I buried with the rest.
The shadows of my actions cling tighter to my side,
My guilt remains unsatisfied, still eating me alive
My guilt is starved, relentless in its need to thrive,
An insatiable beast, gnawing deeper where I hide.
Each step I take is heavier, weighed down by silent cries,
My shame a constant echo, deafening but shy.
It drips like venom in my veins, it festers in my chest,
A parasite that feeds on every word I leave suppressed.
No matter what I try to give, it’s never satisfied,
My guilt continues gnawing, stripping pieces from my pride.
I try to scream, but nothing comes, the silence swallows whole,
And in the quiet, it devours the fragments of my soul.
Every truth left untold becomes a bitter lie,
My guilt feasts on the broken things I’m too afraid to try.
No corner left untouched, no memory left unscathed,
It rips apart the moments where I thought I had escaped.
I watch as it devours what’s left of peace inside,
My guilt, forever ravenous, keeps eating me alive.
Decayed garden green
must look red
where my heart was devoured
my love is dead

Sacred magic rhythm
warms and heals
my torn heart feels
your spirit still haunts
vDreams 7d
I'm afraid to talk about the past
I don't want to reopen those wounds
and go through it all again
Still, I constantly worry about it
I know it will come back
it's just waiting for its time
When I think about it,
my chest hurts,
and my mind won't let me sleep,
analyzing every part of it
I know that when it comes,
I don't want to be alone,
but I don't want to be judged either,
so I prefer to just disappear
I know it will fade away,
but it will come again.
ThemadHatter Sep 30
I try to let you in.
But
You have a habit of letting me down.
I try.
Over
And over.
And it’s never enough.
I tell myself
“Tomorrow will be different.”
And every day
I wake up defeated.
Why?
Because you never change.
And you expect me to be like you.

I’ve been a marionette on your strings,
Acting like your perfect little girl.
But I’m not little anymore.
No.
I’m just tired.
Tired of mothering your kids.
Tired of being the punching bag for problems that never concerned me.
Tired of being nobody in your eyes until you need me.
Tired of being needed.
I just want to be.
Enough.
I want who I am.
To be enough for you.
The way it is for me.
I want to do nothing,
And still be told “I love you.”
I don’t want my worth to be measured by the amount that I give.
Otherwise I'd be worthless.
Because I have nothing left.
Why?
I gave it all to you.

And nobody would ever see it.
What goes on in our walls.
But I walk down the halls,
At school.
Where nobody suspects.
Because it’s me, Lil.
I’m chill and friendly and non confrontational.
I’ve got a great fam..
Right?

Yeah.
Right.

I hear you in my head.
While you text me all hours of the day.
Informing me of just how much I disappoint you.
You beautifully serenade those paragraphs.
But conveniently
you never seem to pick up when I call.
I didn’t know parenting was optional when you had kids.

I wish you thought having kids was an option.

Maybe you wouldn’t have had them.

I’m glad that you’re trying your best.
But that means nothing to me.
When your best doesn’t meet minimum standards.
My expectations are not high.
All I ask is that your knees scrape the basic levels of care.
That.
Is all I ask.
I don’t ask you to take me places.
Or buy me things.
Or drive me.
Or pick me up.
Because the amount of times I used to wait.
Hours after my friends were picked up.
And the teachers would offer to drive me home.
But I just sat there on the pavement,
not knowing which house I was going to end up in for the night.
Because somebody's mother forgot about them.
Why would I ask anymore?
Why would I hold on to false hope?
To make you feel better?
Maybe you don’t feel sorry.
Because you're not the one paying the price.
Price of what? You ask.


Of not being loved.
ThemadHatter Sep 30
I am not a person.
Not enough space
is filled by my presence.
To be considered
There.
Nobody bothers to say hello,
Or even
glance in my direction.
I am simply too little of nothing.
To be anything.
Important,
Or unique.
I was a madman's invention.
Built obsolete.
Prepared to sit on shelves
For years to come.
Society has made themselves clear.
Even if I tried my best.
It would never be enough.
I
would.
never.
be.
Enough.
ThemadHatter Sep 30
You put me
“In my place.”
But really.
You misplaced me.
You seem to forget who I am
And where on your shelf I should go.

I used to belong to your collection of important things.
But you put me on the bottom in a box titled “Miscellaneous”
I’m not used to being down here.
It’s a little degrading.
Not as bright.

You never take these things out.
I’m not sure why you keep them, really.
But you know I don’t complain.
I don’t tell you to fix me every time you’ve dropped me.
And let me tell you.
It was a pretty high shelf to fall from.
I don’t have to tell you not to worry.
You don’t care enough to anyway.

I wonder if you got tired of me.
Maybe you grew bored.
Couldn’t teach me new tricks.
I didn’t have anything more to give.
My battery died.
My lights went out.
My voice button doesn’t work anymore.
Not that you listened when it did.
But you kind of just let me die.

And then told me it wasn’t your fault.

Except…

You never replaced my batteries.
AllyRose Sep 27
I don’t know what to say
I’ve never felt this bad
until the moment  
I opened the door & let you in

But one things for sure
I wish I could turn back time
So it can be like how it was before…

I hear the siren calling my name
I’ve tried to ignore it’s call many times before
This voice in my head is vicious and won’t let me forget the things I try to ignore.

I have so many questions,
but im running out of time.
Let me shed some light  as I peel off my skin cause I’m growing tired of fighting a battle i know that I’ll never win


They says it’s good to be different
better than fitting in
I’m done playing pretend on a road that leads to nowhere.
My patience is wearing thin


They say all good things take time
But I’m growing inpatient and now I’ve grown a thorn in my side
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