I've become stagnant.
lost beyond repair..
Tuning out the lust of belonging in this world..
covering packining heart murmurs when love has found its way from my sight..
I've become aware that I'll probably never be wanted..
ive lost my mind inside of my dreams where all of the things that I long for come true.
no more wet pillow cases and dried up blood stains as I try to feel something..
Because that's really all I want
Is to feel something..
and I've lost..
Lost it all
Feeling numb
no longer wanting to feel anything but the dreams i've barricaded myself around...
I'm lost
and no one can find me.

Is there a reason
For your words?
They slice and snap
And embed
Themselves deep inside
My heart

They criticize me
And am I supposed to change?
Am I supposed to listen
To your distorted opinions
And change myself
To be just like you?

Am I rude?
I don't know, didn't
I get that from you?
What do you want of me?
To change from
My own ways
To change from being myself?

Why do you call me
Mean
Why do you call me ugly
When I am perfectly beautiful
Like me
When I dress the way
I want to dress
When I am me
And I don't want to change that

When I lose it
And I break apart
I do not want someone to
Tell me to 'Stop'
I do not want someone
To ask me if
I'm 'Okay'
I want a friend
Who will
Catch my tears
And who will
Dry them
And stop them
Without uttering
A word.
I want a friend
Who will let me be myself
Who will not change me
And will not reject me
I want someone who will accept me
For who I am.

I don't fit in?
That's nice to know.
You should meet my friend.

Sometimes we feel like we don't fit in, maybe because 1. People tell you you don't and they try to change you, or 2. You see all these people who are pretty good at drawing and looking nice and stuff. You see their makeup/CRAZY SKILLS and you think, I have to be like them. And then there's gonna be that friend that's gonna tell you, No you don't. And OBVIOUSLY, you should at least try to listen.

As the silver swings
Against the tan, soft linen;
And the crimson rushes
To the white vinyl;
And the harsh cream light of the moon
Turns into a soft pale gray to pitch black --
I realize:

I exist only in oblivion.

I want these thoughts to be erased
medicine 1d

I fell in love with the dusk sky.
It confusing colour but appeared to be enticing.
Wind blowing the fallen leaves and leave me wondering where it’ll take them.
Wild flowers bloom in shameless motion.
And then I moved.
With my two legs,
arms that were slightly swinging. Complaining and blessing about rough and pretty things.
I knew where this path will take me. But I wasn’t sure.
I never be sure.



Until I met you half way. And you left me half way too.



...

Dovey 2d

What a foul mouth you have
Vulgar words and harsh tones
Maybe it’s just because you’re too stupid to form civil sentences on your own


You’re such an idiotic little one
You never even try
Yet you’re so narcissistic you never let it tamper with your pride

And oh God, you’re so dramatic
What a cry baby! A troublesome kid
If just for once, you could shut up, you might be easier to deal with



“I hate you! I really hate you!
You always leave me alone!
...Why don’t you ever stay?
I-I’m sorry, please come home.”



I’m just another butthurt child
Crude sentences, nonsensical words
Tantrums and explosive rage
Someone of no substantial worth

I like to use outrageous anger to hide that all I wanna do is sit in a corner and cry my eyes out. I'm such a child.
Ow

Sometimes when things get really bad,
I’ll look at a poem about my dad.
It helps to redirect my anger
Onto a person who deserves the slander
Of my depression, but he doesn’t even know
The stress that he’s put in my family’s abode.
It’s crazy how one person can cause so much stress.
You shouldn’t be the cause of this pain in my chest.
Everything that I hear coming from my sibling’s mouths
Is how much they get to go to see their other mother’s spouse
While I’m at home, questioning if I am even real.
If you could understand the painful circumstance I deal with.
I don’t even know if you exist, have I been lied to?
Is everything that I know about life a lie too?
Cause I can lie too. But I’m not like you.
I know I can’t run away, so I sit and cry for you.
These eyes have seen too much blood, sweat and tears
To have to back down. I’m finally working towards my career.
If I get famous, and you hear my name, loud in the news,
Will you recognize that your first daughter has grown up dude?
Probably not. You’ll be too busy drinking beer.
You probably living off some lady, you don’t even care.
You probably hopping house to house, looking for a place to sleep.
You probably haven’t realized that there’s nothing left of me.
You know what…
I’m so done with your bull and all the pain.
Ever since you left before I even had a brain
We’ve had problems
And I’ve solved them
Without any help and without a father
I’m always running
From all of the fire that’s chasing me down.
I can’t touch the ground.
It’s too far away and I’m scared now.
I’m scared, wow.
And you do not care. Ow...

That moment when you realize that you hurt someone
That means more than life itself
And it cuts them in the heart
And they bleed due to what you said
And you know there is no forgiving yourself
And you slip back into your demon of the past
And harming yourself is the only thing you know
But when they find out
They hurt even more
They blame themself
But it wasnt their fault
And they cry over you
And something in you dies
You know you cant forgive yourself
They want you to be whole and pain free
But because of what you said you cant let go
Because you hurt the thing that means nore than life

srry to my love
JAC 3d

Differences
Are but blemishes on the surface
Of safety, comfort, love and strength
But blemishes hurt like hell.

I haven't forgotten about you
Even with all this time apart
I still want the things I said I do
There's still so much love in my heart

I should've move on a while ago
But when I love, I love for good
It's a lot easier said than done you know
I mean I'd let go if I only could

Maybe apart of me doesn't want to
Because I'll lose you for good
There's never been anyone like you
Who can do the things that you could

I don't mean to come off as pathetic
But I refuse to believe this is the end
Has all this obsessing made me lovesick?
I can't bear to just be your friend

For the fucking love of my life the make my head spin. April 24, 2017 1:09pm

For a friend I wish, but one with a heart pure
For my heart was burned, more than a time or two

A wall I erect, for my safety it must not fall!
Strong and sturdy I build, firmly planted in the ground
The vilest of creatures it must hold back

Near my gate you come, not expecting this village houses one
With eyes you look in, but the curtain is drawn and you see not deep within
Lest you see my weakness and with that attack

My arms I extend: Don’t get too close, stay beyond the end!
My palms I hold out, you must know that I’m afraid
Those who came before stabbed me in the side, and because of this now I hide

A friend I have not found, perhaps to trust I am now unable
For my trust was betrayed, more than a time or two

From my book, "Aimless Wanderer"
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1544626347
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