Everyone asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, and I didn’t really have an answer. I’ve felt somewhat numb this week.

After the clock struck midnight, and it was my 24th year on this earth, it was made very clear to me what I want for my birthday.

I want things to go back to how they were,
dumb teenagers in love with each other, holding on maybe just a little too tight.

I want to lose track of time with you in your bed, listening to songs that seemed so relevant when pouring our hearts out to each other.

We ended things and moved on with our lives in very separate directions, but we always stayed connected. I think we were both secretly rooting for our reconnection, someday, when the timing was “right”.

And no matter how far apart we had grown, there was always unexpected reminders of you everywhere. We kept in touch. The depth of our love created this ongoing tension, always tethered.

I talked to your mom a few days ago, on the anniversary of your death. She’s one of the only people that I think truly understands the complexity of my pain.

I never got closure from any of this. The only thing I’m left with is the realization that I’ll never get a “happy birthday” from you ever again.

Maybe I’m selfish, but I think it’s okay to be selfish on your birthday. and my only wish is that you were still here. that you didn’t take your life. that somehow you’re still out there thinking about me when I’m thinking about you, like how it always was, but will never be again.

The only thing that I can do is listen to our songs, and talk to the moon. I would do anything for you to be able to listen.

it was your birthday yesterday
mom reminded me
like it hadn’t been the only thing on my mind all day
she said she couldn’t believe that it’s been so long
but it felt like i had just hugged you yesterday
i didn’t want to believe it
i don’t believe it
and i’m not sure that i ever will
so i set up a number that leads to no where
because i wondered what it would be like to call you
to leave you a message
to tell you how my day was
and i think of you
whenever i see a flannel shirt
when i eat peaches
when i smell fresh flowers
and sometimes when i want to feel close to you
i’ll go into my spare room, open the closet
and put on your army green police jacket that you left
it even still smells like you
i was too young then
i was too young to be sorting through an entire house of things so the entire family could decide what i would be able to remember you by
but even now
i don’t need your things
i remember you as clear as the blue skies you loved
it would just be nice to have more of you around
but i know you’re there
i look up at the photos of you in the living room every single day and smile
you’re gone
but i know you’re here

twelve years gone
but i can still feel you all around

Although I dont know her all to well
With a first impression flawed
Ive wrote this poem to show and tell
her happy birthday! I KNOW, this is odd-

Who writes a poem as a birthday gift?
So personal yet incomplete-
Its because im here so spirits lift
And to show remorse for my deceit

Im not really as rude as i was;
Not nearly as mean of a *****,
Still im unfiltered, simply because -
When around lucie hehe, sometimes I switch
So Shay,
im sorry
for unleashing my inner *****.

Happy 24th Birthday- from me, to you-
Im too poor to buy presents
So I hope this will do.
With words incandessence
Do you boo boo!

20th birthday
I've forgotten when to breathe
and my mother is my only friend
the last one yet to leave.
I am feverish skin
to the first of March's chill breeze
tripping over, again and again
afraid to pull my hands from my sleeve.
20 years old now
a full on woman in sheep's clothing
but I don't know how
to live life without loathing
love, and bills, and here and now's.
Myself, pulling on a window that's already closing.

Sometimes I think he’d prefer something
well dressed, with a cut glass accent,
emerging from a smokey platform perhaps.
Yes - at the close of the summer term,
with families reunited,
plans for coastal trips and picnics
with a loyal hound in tow

Sometimes I think he’d prefer life
to be slower, the roads clearer,
with a simpler dashboard
and less choice of radio stations
and for his favourite tunes to be mono,
accented by crackles and plagued
by fades under bridges

Sometimes I know he’d prefer
more time with a paintbrush,
followed by books and discourse
around a wide family table
and the pleasure of sharing slow food
and mellow music with those who matter,
those with whom he’d like to grow older

Sometimes plans and friends
come together, designed for us to remember -
that at all times we need to try harder
to make the sometimes happen.

Today, 4/9, turned 29;
in '94, 9th hour born;
4 craves stability,
9 thrives on change;

if you believe in
that sort of thing.
But like the dogwood,
its burnt-edge blooms;
the same each spring,
abscission looms.
Roots in the past,
leaves up for the storm
in '94, 9th hour born.

Oh, weep for Adonais—he's undead!
    And hath been, lo! these interstitial years.
Yellow and black and pale and hectic red,
    His cockney mood consumptively careers.
Upon a bubbling Hippocrene he's drunk
    And dreaming, standing tiptoe on the brink
Of the wide world that late and soon hath sunk
    As space and time to nothingness do sink.
An anguished autumn wind doth howl a HOWL
    Of abject grief that sweeps the graveyard's stones.
The crescent moon observes the downy owl
    That eats a mouse from tail to skull and bones.
Zombie Allan Poe, who's green and unseen,
Is crying, "Happy Birthday Halloween!"

To the lady I have been...
Audacious Daring and Loving.
To the Fighter deep within.
my love through the moon and back.

My love! as you celebrate your Silver Jubilee be audacious, meticulous and spontaneous live life and let love lead.
Give your insecurities time to breathe. You are young and endearing, loving and goal getting.

Enjoy your youthful age, for my dear there is nothing you'd have done different. you're beautiful just the way you are.
Beautifully fascinating, endearing, ravishing and enchanting.

The best version of you is yet to come so live and learn through the process.
Trust God that things happen for a reason, and the best part of the journey is not the destination but the process.
To you my lovely self you are the most self-aware just don't get self-absorbed you are most loving yet dangerous. But if it comes down to a choice let love lead.

And if at a point you get to celebrate a golden jubilee, I pray you're surrounded with love as you must have loved, I pray you have cake even though they might be vendored or baked.
I also pray and you must have lived while you exist and give him back to those that had given and more so to those who haven't.

Dear future self I haven't met you yet, but I want you to be nice to this 25-year old me don't make me suffer too much.
My darling future self don't be much indecisive and don't be perfidy.
I implore you to be kind and love the best version of yourself. don't crack to the pressure, you don't always have to like the measures, but at then look at the end pleasure.
Just follow the process leave the moment it may be hard, but remember Blacks don't crack!

My Loving self remember I love you nothing beats that. you are loved by me and no you're not a pariah you'd have to get that out of your head.

To my ten-year-old self I now know better,
My 15 year-old rebel, I guarantee you I think deeper.
To the 20 I now see clearly and to you my 25. Darling please be nice and make sure that my 30 we'll get it right.