You forget what it feels like to see an old friend.
Like the one
you keep hidden behind picture frames.
The small, cutouts of their faces,
detached from their bodies
make you respond a certain way.
You remember how they made you feel,
How they felt against your skin,
(sharp, sudden, like a knife to the soul)
How they made you weep,
(you were useless under their control)
You forget how much you need them,
(You depend on them for your every move)
You think about them day and night,
they could creep into bed with you,
make you snap awake.
You wear them on your sleeve,
and you hide them under heavy coats,
and thick jumpers.
You forget how the bad you feel,
when you see the marks they leave on your skin,
(the violent, puce lines that tore at your paper)
And yet, you leave their head behind the frame,
because you're not sure you're ready to quit them
So you count the days since you last saw them.
Watch as their grips loosen.
Even though you relapse into their arms now and again,
you believe you can become sober in the future.
No love in the air.
Just confusion all around.
This is so unfair
I wish you'd turn around.
Please notice me.
Just take one minute.
Please notice me.
Don't want to feel so foolish.
I don't understand it.
When i noticed you.
I started to think love was true.
You never noticed me.
Unless it was convenient to you.
Tried my best not too cuss.
Tried not to fucking fuss.
Made a fucking fool of me.
Anger is the only love to me
I don't understand it.
Why'd you have smile at me.
Make me feel so pretty.
Don't understand it.
Why'd you go and lead me on.
Should've known you weren't bout it.
And you won't ever know how much you meant to me.
And you will never know how much it hurt, To see you.
Fall in love with the only right one for you
I'll try to move on, cuz i just gotta breath.
Im so consumed with jealousy.
So much jealousy.
I’ve begun to hate the whole ‘I contain multitudes’ idea.
I hate every breath I have taken since I was twelve, I hate how I’ll never be okay with who I am, and I hate how this concept of containing multitudes means there’s more about myself that I will uncover and hate, again.
I hate how your curtains are chrome yellow, I hate how it spills sunlight on the scattered prints on your bedsheets that I’ve come to hate. I hate how my feet are either too cold outside, or too hot under the blanket, I hate how my neck both desires and dislikes pillows. I hate how I am never comfortable with comfort: I hate how your fingers pressing between my shoulder blades don’t relax me. I hate that I can only love if I hold it up against all that I hate.
I hate how I lie with your arm beneath my head and my mind just above it, thinking of all the things that I hate and how I never hated you. I hate how I write about you, how I hide it from you. I hate how I never said these things to you. I hate how I hate myself but never hesitate to glorify you.
I hate how I say things to make you despise me, how I twist your words to despise you, how I set us on fire and wanted you to save just me.
How delusional of me to want to worship every inch of your skin with my lips. How delusional of me to want to be divine and not lowly, to love and not to ravage.
How delusional of me to love when I can only hate.
You sit in a dollhouse all day,
Pouring tea out for your dolls and teddies. Mother comes home,
fake smiles on her face,
Father comes home,
reads his newspaper for the day.
"Hello, my love,
wipe your tears.
fix your face.
fix your heart.
put that makeup back on,
wear your lace.
Because Mr. Smith doesn't like when you cry.
He doesn't like when you pout,
he hates when you want to die".
I look so pretty when I cry.
Leave me be.
I want to die.
I want to be free.
I want to fly.
I want a painful goodbye
So I can have all the good
in the other life".
Mother doesn't know.
Father doesn't care.
Sister is far away.
Mr. Smith is an asshole with no hair.
LoVe iS iN tHe AiR.
LoVe iS iN tHe AiR.
"Go back to bed, honey.
You need your pretty sleep.
Dry your face,
paint your nails,
Fix your hair.
The world doesn't like your sad,
The walls are the best psychiatrists ever. They listen, they listen,
oh how they whisper.
You can stare at them and they'll never run away.
They'll never give you pills.
They never tell you to fix your face.
Your teddies are your friends.
Your dolls are your puppets.
"Gimme a canvas,
let me paint my worries!"
You take a knife,
you put it to your skin.
Out pops all the fuzz and stuffing.
No one cares. No one cares. No one cares
about anything but your face and hair.
You stare at yourself for what seemed like 1,000,093 minutes of dread.
"Oh, Mr. Smith, do you know about the demons inside my head?
Aww, how sad!
Then you must not know
about all the blood that I shed"
All they say is pain is beauty.
You cry out to your pillow,
"Help me! Someone just help me!"
But the truth is, babygirl,
the wrong people in this world only care
about their own teddies
And their own dollies
And their own rainbows
And their own swirlies.
i cant breathe
everything starts to shift
panic takes over
i'm suddenly overwhelmed
i feel myself breaking faster than my body can handle
i cry for help
but all i can do
is stare blankly
and not say a thing
If I looked after the earth,
I'd burn it in passionate flames.
Bones inherit the soil,
not left a soul to claim.
The scent of rotting flesh,
brings essence to the finish
Life becomes extinct --
& so has the world within it.
Rich in confinement,
I slowly grow deranged.
Soon am I to join them,
hearken shrieks of the claimed.
My name is a song to them,
lost to genocide's insanity.
The voices in my head would claim;
"It's soon to be your fantasy."
The grand rite performed,
& all has been fore-said.
I am to dine and dance --
with the souls of the dead.
Cry all day
Try null way
Hope and pray
Still, you'll lay
Black is my cape
I will still kill
Think in just a blink
Now you're in the brink
I'm coming to you
Your nightmares come true
See you shaking, breaking
Hear you pleading, begging
Dying as I'm taking
Strip you of everything
You're right, in sight is the bitch
Think you can just hitch and ditch
Slowly stepping towards you
Let me give you a clue--- BOO!
Now I'm here, clear for you to see
Bend all you want on both your knee
A mischievous smile on my face
Triumphant wail in this closed case.
That was a star in millions,
Which I wanted to touch from core of my heart.
Just to touch from warmth but not to touch so harsh.
Yeah! That was vacant from any bothered shine,
He made me do sins, his lips were like vine.
I saw him on the full moon,
He was shining brighter then the moon.
He doesn't believe on sun anymore,
Just a thing that gives light for sure.
His disbelieve made me believe,
In love and destiny.
I tried to touch him cause I got sparkled in his shine,
And then when I touched him he lost his shine,
He drowned in darkness,
And never appear again.
Again I destroyed a star in million!
Being satanic and dark I stay now low
Spreading the curse wherever I go.
Self hatred and desire
Fuels the fires of unhealthy relationships
Pretending the love of a man
Is worth more than the love of yourself
Crushing the seeds of your independence
Before they have the chance to sprout
I see it everyday
I see it in myself
Watching the potential of many
Crumble under self doubt