I'm homeless without

your hands, roaming through the fields --


There is snow coming.

I'm getting so cold

without you, because it snows --


It snows white despair.

started like every other relationship, just friends but soon I found myself wanting and longing for me, with every gesture of eye contact I found myself falling deeper and deeper into a love lust for someone who I could totally not be with, how can this be happening I thought? Every moment apart I just felt more and more hopeless, I am mad this is insane, after all these years I had butterflies and it wasn't for the man I fell in love with, so many moons ago, but this feeling are and is wrong.


Well most of you are probably wondering how and when this all started so let rewind to the beginning...

About a year we started visiting some friends, not to far from where we resided, most weekends were spent hanging out and getting to know each other at first there was absolutely no gesture of feeling but soon after things started to change atleast for me, I found myself staring at him, dazing off at the idea of me and him... Now let me describe him, cocasion male, not very tall dark hazel green eyes with full lips (I swear it's the lips that got to me) manly hands, neat and tidy.. he was perfect. Now as our friendship grew so did our trust towards each other I became his close friend, the one he called early in the mornings and  messaged late at night it was like we were made for each other, I watch as his girlfriend at the time grew more jealous of our relations, but was that a good thing or a bad thing I kept thinking and playing all these different scenarios in my head of how things would end for us, but as i became more and more comfortable with him the more our feelings for one another grew, I knew he felt the same way, I could feel it, every inch of my body craved his attention. But at the same time I also had someone to think about, my partner the person I accepted as my person was it wrong for me to feel for another man I kept thinking.

I cannot hear you,

only the waves, wind sometimes --


but nowhere your voice.

Nostalgia is
The laughter down the rec
As we poured beer
And did milk shots

Nostalgia is
The camp fires
The boys added hairspray to
And panicked

Nostalgia is
Your arm around my shoulder
Protective and proud
And very nervous

Nostalgia is
The Daisy chains
And gossip of
Who kissed who

Nostalgia is
The innocence of
Running wild in fields
Till the sun came up

Nostalgia is
Our beating hearts
Under the duvet
Hoping your brother didn’t hear

Nostalgia is
Knowing it’s just a memory
No longer to be
Repeated

Nostalgia is
Looking at old photos
With a half smile
And chest ache

The warm light of afternoon
brings a blur to our harsh wrinkles.
Like a line drawing drafted over and over
after several mistakes.

The blemishes of us bleed and clot like brush strokes
on the painting of a landscape
Fleeting blues, searing orange,
the vista of our bends and breaks.

We sit together, as close as we can,
my nose in the cavity of your neck.
My surplus in the caves you carry,
your tears, lakes in my overbite.

I'll hold your hand holding mine holding yours,
breathe in your breath out.
If nobody is whole you can be my left foot,
and I can be your right.