I had a John Cusack about me,
where I was forever misunderstood
and what no one could ever see,
was my intentions were always good.
I spoke into a tape recorder as if it was my only friend,
"I gave my whole heart to her, and she gave me a fucking pen."
Tonight, is just a normal night,
living in fright, fighting for my life.
Tonight, yes, and the stars are shining bright,
caressing the moon but cutting like a knife.
And the demons passed by my door, colours of black and red,
crawling on the floor and ripping up my bed,
whispering sweet nothings of silence through my ear to my head,
calling out for violence, replacing love with bloodshed,
telling me I don't need breath but poison instead.
Tonight, tonight, keep on your light,
Darling you're the only pretty thing in sight,
and you say I'm accomplished, but we know only in plight.
So. Where. Should. I. Go?
Just know, without you, the wind will never again blow.
Just know, without you, the stars will never glow.
"No," said you to I, while I was cursing at the sky,
energy running low, but emotion flying high.
"Don't go" said I to you, watching colours change hue,
black and red to blue.
That's what love will do.
I know you will be alive and in love
like a child for the first time.
You will chase and daydream
and trace their name on fogged over windows
and even though you're older,
you'll be none the wiser
and just as dazed and clueless
as I am now.
The Canal is frozen solid,
near by my car tempts fate with races.
In my last goodbye each "I" is dotted,
with broken hearts and sad faces.
It reads; "I'm never going to leave you,
my ghost can float along in your life.
While each moving noise will deceive you,
and I'll be bound to you as if your wife."
So you tore me up like an old receipt,
just another object you don't wish to keep,
but you can't return as I did not sell,
I should've seen down payment before I fell.
Do I even know you? I'd like to believe I once did,
A conclusion I drew, and from the beauty you hid.
It's more painful for me to ask, than for you to have to hear,
I guess you switch up your new mask, at the start of each new year.
I feel so hollow inside my torn up chest,
to the point where I'm not sure which side my heart does rest.
Left or right, I just can't decide,
and it calls out silently, but the beats seem to hide.
For I still grasp at my clothes, I wish to forcefully pull each thread,
as the inner turmoil impose, on my already swollen head.
That is now flooding this page, an explanation to your fully aware mind,
I'm just past that blissful stage, that we could never really find.
In that moment it had occurred to me that for my entire life I had been breathing in a toxic, poisonous gas.
One that had been draining my life and destroying my soul.
The first word she spoke, the first smile that I witnessed grace her lips; that was fresh air.
She was oxygen.
I may not have much. I may not be worth anything of value.
But she owns every ounce of my soul.
Every thought in my head.
She owns my entire heart,
and every second of my future.
Someday i'll find someone who takes my hand and hold it with his heart, he's taking me to somewhere, to the place where he thinks i belong to. He takes me to a house. But after that i'll tell him. It's not a place where a girl like me belongs. "Come in and stay with me, we'll be happy," he says. But i take off my hand from him and say, "this is not a place where the broken hearts go, maybe i'll be happy with you, but my heart, it will always be a mess and still broke in pieces, and you don't deserve to stay here and having fun with me. I'm not happy as you see."
I turn my body, i am ready to go but he takes my hand and says "you're not happy as i am, and thats why i took you here. I want to make you happy and forget about everything that messed you up, about everything that broke you, about him. I want you to be happy. Because i love you, and i'll take every risk, i'll try to make you extra happy, just as extra as he made you this messed."