this life of words
substance of a new life
if they slow down
if they dry up
having mined the pockets of emotion
creating a honeycombed mind
am I at the end
do I need to seek another seam
are there lingering memories trapped deeper
exhausted limits of charts
can I stay here for a while longer
From under the magnolia’s dark green leaves,
I saw Her. For the first time I recognized a face
Of someone who wasn’t familiar; I was
Comforted by a stranger. She showed me
A vision that would one day become mine.
I was 5; She was ageless.
We danced and told secrets and
I walked along her roots
Until the street lights came on.
Then I’d be gone, only to return to her
Branches’ embrace, coming to know her divine face
Day after day. Like it was my own. She told me that I
Was a warrior; She told me that I
Would never be alone; that my own roots would always
Guide me home; that my mind contained
Knowledge that I didn’t yet know; that through me
Healing love and creation could flow, in and out.
I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew She meant well.
I didn’t see her for many years. Until:
After 17 rotations of the sun, after thinking
All I was was said and done, She returned to me
In a dream. I was
Down and out, seeping self-doubt.
I looked upon Her face but saw my own:
She said to me
“Come in through the leaves. Sit at my roots.
Look at me: look at my blooming flowers that will soon wither;
Look at my deep, entangling roots, that have held on for many storms;
Look at my leaves, evergreen, but always growing.
I am proof things remain but there is no way that
You will stay the same. You will yield to change.
To feel joy amid all the strange
Is a feeling you cannot feign,
A feeling foreign to your brain
There is no way it will sustain. But, find peace
Knowing that your soul’s moonlight won’t cease
As the same light was never extinguished in
All those who came before you:
Your magic is ancient. Your roots are deeper than
Any pain you may be feeling now. You carry within you
A potent medicine, passed down to your in your life’s blood,
From mothers, midwives, magicians, mighty warriors
Who bore you, who birthed the essence of who you are,
And are becoming yet.
Like you, I, too, was once a sapling, just beginning to feel
Our great mother’s earth, not yet knowing what it could offer.
She ensured my growth was not stunted; that I was not lost in the forest.
For every snap of a branch, there have been ten more that grew;
For every season I went without, my blooms doubled the next.
It is not in your mind’s eye now, but it will be:
The day when you come to know Her as you know me,
The day you fuse your old and current selves, to meet
Who you will become:
The past, present, and future selves as one
Fluid transition to your newfound position
Giving recognition to all parts: those without and within
To strive, to seek, to dream
May you never lose steam
To achieve, to fight for what you believe
To pursue all things with hope, all things
With love, in service to below and above.
Illuminating dark spaces, to seek familiar faces
In unlikely places and cherish the embraces
That you may never feel again.”
And She is gone. The coolness of the air, not Her branches,
Wraps around my shoulders
Much of what surrounds me serves only as a placeholder
For the connection that yields direction.
The signs and prayers could all just be deception
But is believing in something not better than despair?
It’s a game of Lotería, but it keeps matters fair
But magic and all is coming, with no shortage in sight
And I can change the course of fate if I will it.
Still, for now, the Fool’s fortune is greater than my own
What power can I possible conjure when I’m all alone?
I am left with only my intuition and sheer volition
That’s wearing thin, but I’ll search for more within
Even if nothing is revealed, even to examine my scope of field
It may yet yield all which is past and now healed.
I remember the pact we made when I was five,
But, oh, how much harder it is now to keep hope alive.
I’ll continue to dream
even when I’ve lost all steam,
even when the light narrows to a single beam.
I’ll continue to hope
even when the Universe says nope,
even when I’m seeing only a limited scope.
I’ll continue to pray
even if I don’t know if I’ll see another day,
even when the response is after much delay.
I’ll continue to dance
even if I’m not granted a deserved chance,
even if my moment’s magic fails to entrance.
I’ll continue to create
even if I share my art too late,
even if my efforts are met with hate.
Magnolia’s gaze reminds me of my earth’s view
This vantage point above it all
But keeping close to those I’ll care for
Nurturing with compassion and intuition,
Healing by soft light,
Providing others with gentle protection,
Remembering my ancestors’ loving lesson
Of rooting, and growing, from deeper within.
He will build you a liquid castle,
and you'll dive into it,
because you love shiny things.
We all do.
You'll swim the moat 'till the chlorine burns your eyes
and sears your liver 'till it doesn't hurt.
Then nothing will hurt
(and hurt and hurt and hurt)
as he tells you how beautiful you are
with your flushed face and mind
(and laugh and laugh and laugh).
When his breath warms the mortar on your neck,
your castle is on fire and it wasn't even yours.
The fire is sweet (and sweet and sweet).
He'll sink soft teeth into the balustrade,
whispering your drawbridge open.
You want (and want and want)
to embrace this siege:
when you want them to.
Your crumbling castle
has kept you captive,
but you're freeing your feeling, feel your face;
your face is on fire but you're freed and falling
off the edge of even your edges,
and you'll land in the lava lining your lover,
but it heals you and he'll never know it.
You can forge your failures into ferocity here
and have him help if he's helpful,
have him leave if he leaves.
Only then will he know
you forged a castle of steel
under his archer's eye.
I was sitting on your carpet
In your bedroom
Flat against the floor
The only fitting place for the aftermath.
My intuition told me to read your messages. That there was something very important hiding in your head I needed to know.
I couldn't have guessed.
Today at 2:05 am
"Dude I don't know when to break up with her because she has panic attacks every night"
"This is gonna mess her up."
"I just keep waiting to feel something for her, but I can't."
"Hey. You ok?"
I looked up. I'd been sitting there 15 minutes.
You finally came to find me.
"I need to go home."
I stood, picked up my jackets that had accumulated in your room
I grabbed them all.
You hesitated by the door frame. You were trying to slow down time.
"I've never heard you play guitar before."
"It doesn't matter."
You had never asked before
To hear me play.
And I knew you never would never see me
tremble before starting
Gliding long fingers over the strings
My face always gave away the wonder and bliss
As I translated healing sound for the broken souls
You have never seen me heal
but you have seen me break.
gorgeous eyes, will
you let me stop
of your leaking
i can clog those tear
with happiness' elusive
gorgeous eyes, let me
clear the pain cloud
i feel your ache throbbing
but believe me, you'll
the end of your heartbreak's
sameday, soon, but for now,
will you smile
Take a shower at 3AM
Because the rest of the world is asleep.
Feels like the most alone time
You can squeeze into one day.
Water scalding hot and body
Too naked to be ashamed.
Dance like no one is watching
Because no one is fucking watching.
Sing along to every song,
Even when you don't know all the words.
No one here to make you feel
Guilty or embarrassed.
Water strips you of all self-judgement.
This is the cleanest you will be
For the next 24 hours, or 48, or
However long it takes you to come back to yourself.