No longer will I apologize
For the ragged edges of my Soul.

For I am
Wind. Fire. Earth. Water. Ether.
Elements which within I won't control.

Ravenous and beating wild,
Always enough;
My strong, yet tender heart.

For all these things
To be known as both
Moon and Sun

- For being Me -

I'm sorry aren't words
I'll whisper anymore.

©KSS 12/2017

Be silent. Listen. Breathe. Easy enough to say, but much harder to put into practice. Sometimes I talk to fill a void. I talk to avoid having to feel the weight of silence like judgement, so I don't have to go down deep and see what actually lives there. Help me deal with my emotions, help me feel my emotions, especially those that are uncomfortable or unnatural to me. Be silent. Listen. Breathe. Maybe the hurts and sadness, the hungers and scars deserve to be recognized for what they are. They are part of life. The help me know and feel I am alive. They help me remember and be more grateful for the many wonderful blessings I have in my life. There is a time for talking, but now it is time To Be Silent. To Listen. To Breathe.

I spoke to you last Friday,
Lights dim and skirts brushing the floor.
You were wearing folds of blue,
Clad in pleats and flowers.
We talked about nothing of importance,
Pockets and converse and models.
I kept waiting for that recognition,
The twinge in my chest I always feel.
I didn't feel it.
I looked at your face, heard your voice,
Eyes shadowed with sparkle.
I didn't miss you.
I remember our late-night chats,
Endless conversations just like this one.
I couldn't see that girl in you.
I wonder, I can't help it,
If you felt that way as well?
One thought stuck in my mind,
A question you will never hear;
When you were choosing your dress,
In a colour I always loved on you,
The shade of blue I say you've always shone in.
Did I ever cross your mind?
Did you think of me?
Did you remember my praises fondly,
Remember the colour I loved you to wear?
I kept thinking of that dress after that,
Of our first conversation since you left.
I miss that girl.
But I don't miss you.
I think I could be friends with you,
The girl in the light blue dress.
The girl I used to know.

If you ever feel that you are all alone
Your eyes cloudy and your heart a stone
If you are drowning in sorrow, sinking in despair
If people mistreat you and life has been unfair
If your sky is full of storm-clouds and rain
And all you have known for so long is pain
If you experienced loss and your heart is achin'
And you feel like you have been forsaken
You can't understand why the sun isn't breakin'
If this is your story, if this sounds like you
I want you to know everything sad is coming untrue
Perhaps there is a deeper purpose
Hidden just beneath the surface
Maybe there is a good reason
Why you're going through this season
Maybe they prepare you for something ahead
And rather than falling you can rise instead
Your story is one that must be told
To bring someone in from out of the cold
Like a ray of hope in a sea of regret
An encounter they won't soon forget
Don't give up for this is not the end
I'd like you to meet my closest friend
His love is perfect, his goodness forever
Smart and resourceful and incredibly clever
He is my Father, my brother and my guide
And no matter where I go, he is at my side
I never have to worry, I never have to fear
For, when I call him, he will always hear
His name is Jesus and he has never let me down
Most of all, he makes me smile, so now I can't frown
Someone out there needs to hear this right now
Someone needs to know it'll be alright somehow
Someone desperately needs to hear your story
To live life again in all its wonder and glory
Someone needs to see the cuts the marks the scars
To know that true beauty cannot be marred
They need to listen to the stories that they tell
Of battle fought and battles won, the times we fell
Of triumphs and victories and all that make us up
The things that satisfy and fill our plate and cup
A journey of forgiveness and grace and healing
And through it all you still are feeling
Don't give up and hold on tight
Every little thing gonna work out alright
Someone out there need to know
And cling to Jesus, 'cuz Jesus won't let go

A heart once whole,
Now shattered and cold,
Love's sweet embrace,
Now an empty space,
Tears fall like rain,
Amidst the pain,
A love once true,
Now a sad adieu.
But take heart dear friend,
For love will mend,
Though now you're apart,
Love will heal your heart.
By:Jn

[CW - sh]

The first time,

Just needed them to notice

That I wasn’t fine

I was feeling hopeless

Didn’t really know what I was doing,

But I did it





Back then, I was fine with breathing

There was nothing wrong, wrong with eating

I didn’t really care for feeling,

But I was fine with the fact  

That my heart kept beating





The next time, the thoughts.

Too loud, drown them out

With the pain, with the hurt

A new cut, an alert

That once again, I needed help.





That time, still fine with breathing

However, had some struggles with eating

Wished I could just ignore my feelings

But I still found nothing wrong with

My heart still beat- beating



The third time, the worst time,

Chain reactions to and from

Watch as a big problem becomes

So. Much. Worse.





By then, I was aware of breathing

Had too many problems with eating

I hated all the things I was feeling

And I always had the knowledge

That my heart kept beating





The fourth time

Scar still lingers,

More annoying than stressful

First relapse in five months  





Five, six and seven,

Not a big deal, not deep

Faded away through sleep

But I was struggling.

There’s worse to come.









Then eight, nine, ten.

Worst times of my life

Friendships falling apart.

Thoughts ripping me apart

I was dying inside.

I almost died.





And at that point?

Oh, I wished my lungs would stop breathing

And wow, I was barely eating

Wished I could stop feeling

And almost stopped my heart from beating.





I’m doing better now, it’s true

Still fall sometimes, but still

I get back up, I keep going

Never alone anymore, maybe I never was

For for the first time, in a long time,

I’m glad my heart is beating.

tell me how a love, so fierce and unbreakable
that it can withstand even the blade of Excalibur,
crumbles into dust in an instant?
because my father once loved my mother
with such fervor;
he inked his skin with her nicknames
and the beauty she wore.
he vowed forever to give all of him to her
and never dare lay a hand on her.
but the timeworn plot
finally became twisted
when he began pouring all his violent outbursts
onto her while she was bearing his children,
breaking every limb and bone in her body
until she begged him for mercy
to bring back the man,
who pleaded with her many times
to set down the same blade in her hand
that she found on her mother's deathbed,
then the time when i was still in her womb,
and the last time she placed the blade
around my throat.

every now and then that i think of my mere existence,
i ask myself what might have happened in the house
where my mother had been raised.
was it lively and loud,
or was it filled with deafening silence?
i also contemplate upon the source of the poison
running in my father's bloodstream.
where could it have come from?
was it from his own father,
or did it come from the blood on his very own hands?
because they turned him into a demon,
of which i became the victim of his wicked, manipulative schemes;
and they left my mother powerless against him,
forcing her to live such life
built on a twisted kind of love.

@boonthemoonluv

no, i was not a poet then
because i glazed upon my skin
and saw it as paper i could easily cut.

no, i was also not an artist then
because i painted over my scars,
hoping to become a work of art.

yet, i bear the title of a poet
and wear the badge of an artist,
for indeed, i am a poet and an artist,
but far from the spectrum that society
has manipulated and stapled into your head.

therefore, i'm only human-
one that has always been a work of art,
and a luscious garden of poetry at heart.
i am simply a nuclear fusion
of calmness and chaos,
with a spark of uniqueness.

@boonthemoonluv

i pour all that is left of me into poetry
until i become too much for words to bear,
too much for my therapist to endure,
and too damaged for medications to repair.

so, i metamorphose into an artist
to reach for my 6B graphite pencil,
and let my storming rage of agony and anger
crawl across the pages
towards those who promised to keep me safe and sound,
only to leave me trembling in fear on the ground;
towards those who offered reassurance i never asked for,
only to walk out of my life and say that i was just being unreasonable;
and towards those i welcomed into my life,
only to have them slam the door in my face again and again
.
once i have sketched out my fiends,
clawing at the child in me i could not fight for,
all i could do was scream in silence
as i helplessly watched them take her childhood away from her.

i've metamorphosed, not into an artist,
but into someone filled with so much wrath and doubt.

i wonder if i will i ever look at myself in the mirror
without screaming at the sight of the hidden scars
across my face and body.

and i wonder if i will ever taste the kind of love
that is built, not on power as a means of possession, or merely to satisfy oneself, but on compassion, acceptance, and mutual respect.

@boonthemoonluv

Fluid, flowing, glowing

Don’t disconnect, keep going

Swimming through the water like a tribe of rainbow otters

Reconnecting to the self I’ve been dissecting
For year after year
Fear after fear
With tear after tear I am finally whole
A role and sole rolling back into the fold
Creating a story to be told
Grateful to let this world unfold

From grief to relief with no need for belief
Instead, be a lead, slowly blowing in the breeze
Finally flowing free with ease

Less disconnect, more disco
Reconnected, I can let go
Resurrected, I can now grow