Sobriety has never been your friend.
Friends for you may have come, gone, and returned,
But "Sobriety" isn't a word you even recognize.
You might as well be staring into
A swirling whirlpool of
Lies,
Misspelled words,
Languages you never bothered to learn,
And unspoken truths
Whenever you take a look at the word
Trying to find your unknown meaning.
Maybe you're just not meant to be clean.
And that's okay.
You're just like
She was
Before the end.

They drop like flies I tell ya-
can't contain the pressure,
eruptions fused by anger;
frustration...
but rather than seek an explanation,
the assumptions over take them-
everybody suffers now. . .
what an awkward situation ?

to partake in such petty things . .
is to deny the soul and its awakenings . .
a waste of time and energy I tell ya-
and there's nothing worse
than feelings hurt, ignorance, and
being a ****

so have patience, be kind,
remain strong, and put the past behind,
always move forward, and seek truth
for there are many possibilities within our youth
to learn from, and be living proof
that this too shall pass

There's so much more to life than broken hearts
and senseless strife...

I.
I thought you were the one.
I imagined us flying to Manila, meeting the entire family,
you proposing on the pristine sands of Boracay or
in the small village where you used to play with spiders.
I thought of possible baby names pronounced beautifully
in both of our families' native tongues.

II.
We grew together, abandoned defenses until you were my only confidant.
I still haven’t recovered from the way you used that against me:
Sealing my confessions into bullets in a magazine and making sure
I was centered in the crosshairs of the scope,
a different kind of target practice.

III.
You were my special kind of poison, the kind that slipped through my veins
unnoticed until it corrupted my cardiac muscle and collapsed my lungs.
I ate away at myself until I was small enough not to threaten you,
and even that wasn’t enough.
I finally got the courage to leave you, but I formed a thick cocoon
around my chrysalis of secrets to protect myself from you
and the next.

IV.
It’s been two years and I still have you, your mother,
and every Carlsbad or Mira Mesa area code blocked.
You realized you could invade my voicemail so you rang in 2019,
screaming whiskey-soaked wishes for a better year for us both.
I honestly believe you want that, in your own way.
I wish you the best too, but
I have outgrown you.

So a funny thing happened
I had *** with a boy
Sounds common enough right
Except this boy wasn't my boyfriend
I'll give you a moment to let that sink in

*****
****
Harlot
Really I've heard it all
But won't you please listen
Because every story has two sides

I was drunk
Off my *** really
And what had started as a fun night was coming to and end
Walked with my friend up from the shore
And walked him to his car
Except he was farther off his *** than I
I stole his keys and hid them in my purse
Because I wasn't going to let him drive home
**** himself and the girl in his backseat
So we went into the house
Down into the basement with all the other children
And we shared a mattress on the floor
Just like everyone else
And one by one we began to pass out
Until it was just me and him

I wasn't afraid
I had grown up along side him
I knew all his secrets
And he knew mine
So we talked, and we talked and I don't remember when it changed
When the wheels began to turn
When I lost my shorts
I don't remember when his hands landed on my body
And my memory begins to fade
And I know my heart began to race
And my body became aware of every single movement all at once
And I think I was a tease
I think I was too much
And before I knew it he was on me
Fumbling around and I told him just a little please and
I told him no ***
And then it happened
I'll be the first to admit I don't know what I said to be exact
I don't think I said I changed my mind though
And I know I didn't say no
But it's hard to say anything when you can barley breathe
And then I just shut down
Body did the hard reset and I just blacked out
I know I momentarily woke up when you crawled off of me sobbing
A moment of haze before I was back into darkness

And I woke up and he was gone
And I as alone
I made the call to my boyfriend
A man I loved more than anything
I panicked
I told him I cheated on him
That I was sorry and that it was a mistake
And he accepted it, but he didn't accept me
I was a disgrace
Still am

But yes I had *** with a man
But it wasn't *** like you would know it
It was *** spelled with four letters
R A P E
So call me what you will
But you can never hate me as much as I hate myself so don't even try
With that being said goodnight and goodbye

Jack is my best friend.
***** burns my sorrows into ashes.
Tequila never leaves my side.
I smell alcohol on my shirt like it's cologne.
Bottles lay all around me and they make me feel empty and alone.
I thought it would make me forget the pain.
It did for a moment but the next day I awake in more pain.
This isn't the way, it never was.
Yet, I drink another drink.
Because it's my only friend.

Your invisible me misses on my invisible you
I miss my invincible youth, I miss your unbelievable cool. I dance on a sky made of heavy metals and gray, I stare at the stars as I wish on them to take me away. As I lie and I wait in bed, thinking of all the dreams that’ve come and went, I’m weakened by a state of unease, the kind that makes a home in your heart then leaves.

Dozens of times I’ve stared off wondering, what would our lives have become? Soon I am trembling, cold sweat down my face, year after year until the panic has left me undone. Weakened by sorrow as it clung to my hide, just like your small hands huddled against me in the night. Fairly often it’s taken every ounce of my strength, even just to keep myself from running full steam back into bed. It’s as if I’ve covered my life with a dark crooked lie in a story that’s good for everybody except me. I’ve spent the last, as long as I can remember doing anything to stay on the move. Drank heartache, beat down sweat, found myself in a tango with the dust that makes men lose their mind. There isn’t any ole place where I haven’t tried to escape, only to find something too eager to plant her back deep in my thoughts supine.  It’s been ages since I’ve smelled the sweetness and sweat, or tasted on the feeling of regret, every choice I chose was chosen as my first, I never flirted with the hurt until the fury of her awesome pleasure began to shrink out of my life. Nothingness intertwined, it bled into every orifice until I was blinded, my eyes covered and limbs behind me, counting the numbers of floods that swept me out of my room. Into the abyss of my abysmal dismissal, a candy of black cigarette tar, alcohol, and even opiates. Not one regret, just a cornucopia of upset, lost and still losing myself into every last bit of her I can hurl into my memory before it goes.

love and alcohol are practically the same thing.
you take it, and take it, and take it,
until all of the sudden,
you cant take anymore.
some people can take more than others,
some people push over their limit,
and those eventually end up hurt.
there's different flavors,
different strengths,
and sometimes different effects.
the initial feeling is good,
but at the end they both become a depressant.
they both leave you,
at 2 am
sobbing on your bathroom floor,
begging someone to come back.