Trixia 44m

you don't have to be the most beautiful girl,
to prove that you fit in,
you don't have to be conscious of your belly or your big ass arms,
you don't have to cut your hair for a reason that inlvoves him,
you don't have to have all the things in the world,
you don't need all that makeup for your acne or unperfect skin,
you don't have to shave your hairy arms and legs just because society thinks it's gross,
i think it's beautiful it shows us how much unique we are,
you don't have to hide your legs because you think it's big,
you don't have to be ashame about your stretch marks,
or your uneven skin tone,
you don't have to worry about what other thinks about you,
you are not pretty but you're are beautiful,
inside and out,
you are smart,
you are amazing,
brilliant,
wise,
gorgeous,
you are everything that you chose to be.
never let one thing ruin your life,
be the one who chose to walk on the path that he/she wants,
be the one who is incredibly different,
flaunt yourself,
it's your personalized flag that is limited edition and will never be stolen by any other creature in this world.

never let someone belittle you by just your appearance, you're more than that, you deserve so much not just empathy.

Your message was heard     by those who have felt
the numbness crawling     from a face within.

14:40 - 21/07/17
State of mind: nostalgia; sorrow.

Thoughts: from memories - a tribute in remembrance of Chester Bennington from Linkin Park - he made some of the best music I listened to growing up. Mostly from my teenage years.

Words from the last line are derived from their songs Numb and Papercut.

Listening to: Linkin Park.
Julia Mae 15h

i didn't forget about you
i made you quiet
i made you entirely mine
inside of my head
where you stayed
for as long as i wanted you to

it's been years
i didn't forget
i made you quiet

Sun 16h

It rained whole night                    
Vintage music
Shimmering candle lights                
Dusty photo albums
Old school days                                  
Lost hopes
Soft touch of the gentle breeze       
 Stories of the starry sky
Fragrance of night Jasmine              
A long walk into the woods
All those occupied me last night    
Birds chirping
with unchained
            melody  

You were the listener                                
to all the memoirs
You had left before                                    
I opened my eyes
Everything is there                                   
 but you're afar
  I can only feel the touch of your hand
on my shoulder....

zebra 23h

Eros......sexual love, hot slow gooey fucks and sucks....foot kissing ass slave ......got that covered

Philia...shared good will.....hell ya...got that covered except maybe when i keep you chained up in the bathroom for a week at a time
but you  finally realized it's for your own good

Sorage....family love....wish you where my kissin cousin....ok so fuck that

Agape ......universal love...selflessness.....You would die for me ...your definitely selfless....mmmm but it does make you wet so ?????

Ladus....practical love...i think we are a little weak in that department since no one is givin any one no money

Philautia...self love ...do you love your self ?...I know i love myself more when you love me too but i do have self esteem issues :)

Murder Torture Sex Love.....fucked to death discovered in a dumpster feet over the head..kinda stinky with big shit eating grin ....definitely cant wait to try that ..grrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!

On balance I'd say our relationship is right on track
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxx

Like the needle that drives through my heart, you glisten in the sun.
You sparkle and shine like a jewel in the light.
I see myself in the mirrored image.
A reflection so small and insignificant I am lost under your thumb.
This needle becomes encased deeper into my heart.
I cannot retract it because the thread has been lost.
Spindled into a web of unfortunate lies.
Powerful sentences that hold no authority.
If you hug me this needle causes me pain.
So why do I still yearn for your touch.
Like drugs.
I am dying from the addiction.
Being crippled by the want.

So crush me like a flower under foot.

Close me like a finished book.

End me like a summer spent.

Lose me like time that came and went.

Old writings that seem relevant today
Molly 1d

If I ran for the
horizon, would you follow
me over the edge?

I can go days without talking to you now.
Do you remember how different it used to be? I couldn't go minutes with you unhappy before succumbing to the lump in my throat, swallowing it with my pride, my dignity, and my general well being, getting out of our bed and walking to the couch where you rested your pretty little head.
Does it bother you that I learned to not allow you to manipulate everything I do? Do you feel proud that I've grown up? I remember one of the first times you ever made my soul bleed, I thought life as I knew it was over. I allowed you to do it nearly thousands of times before I took the scissors away, I was standing there with a bald head and an emancipated figure, still crying out for another chance.
Do you remember how you constantly acted like your short comings were my doing? You would still wake up in the morning with nothing on your body except the stains of my love. You would still sing to me in the night time, but only in my head, and when you actually came home from work usually there was a problem that had to be sorted out because you and peace were enemies.
I never felt like your enemy until I saw you kissing her. I realized in that moment that I don't love you anymore, but a part of me still thinks I need you. The last time I ever felt comforted was when I allowed myself to pretend you were there for me, but you weren't. Emotionally, I was starved, but at least there was body warmth in my bed making me think it was all okay.
Do you remember what I said to you when I initially decided to leave? I was so sure, matter of fact. I knew I couldn't survive off the scraps of food you threw off the kitchen table I bought for much longer, and I had stopped being able to focus on anything other than my growling stomach. I told you I had reached my final straw, I had nothing left to give and no space inside my body to accept something so weathered any longer. You laughed it off. We were going to be fine, I stuck around for a little while longer. I shouldn't have.
Do you know that you are my first love? I still love you to this day. I thought I didn't, but I also spend a lot of my time distracting myself away from my own head so maybe deep down you have always rested inside of me. You took a piece of me with you when you left and I'm not exactly sure what it was. For a period of time I thought it was just my ability to read a situation with my sanity, that I was simply addicted to your chaos and had recovered after some time away from the high of it all. Next, I blamed the loneliness, because it's really so unbearable sometimes. I crave a connection I can only get when I allow my soul to take over the rest of my body, and I did that every single day with you.
Please don't think I still love you in the same way that I did, because it's much different. Do you remember how convinced I was that I couldn't live without you? It's been a few months short of a year. I'm doing it. I can't say I'm fine because I'm having another one of these days, but maybe that's okay every now and again. It's been awhile since the last time I considered calling you and begging for another chance. It raises a really difficult question inside of my bones; why do I go there? Why are you the person my subconscience connects to? I hate mostly everything about you. I know now, without a reason of a doubt, that if I had stayed much longer I not only would have lost every good thing about me but I would have stolen parts of you too.
Do you think maybe the piece of myself that I gave you, right in the beginning, was a part I really needed? What if it was something that makes me who I am, allows me to breathe, allows my antidepressants to work?
I hate you for kissing her, for wanting her, for calling me every few weeks because you know there was something there that might never be replaced. I absolutely despise every thing inside of you for being happy without me. The thing that we had, that connection we shared or the fire we created, it wasn't something good so don't get me wrong. It was electrifying in the worst way, the type of pain that feels good, the space right between never and again and me convincing myself that you weren't karma out to get me. But how did you get over it? How can you not live without it?
You used to call me sadistic, told me I loved my misery. Is that why I stayed as long as I did? Is that why I'm scared to death that I miss you?

I can't even read my own feelings right now, I'm tired and I don't think my meds are working, I want to feel inspired and driven and whole again, it's been a bad week and I really don't know why I'm going downhill, my emotions are taking over and I need to meditate and try to center myself, I wonder what she's doing right now. Do you think they are together? Do you think she's doing bad? The fuck am I kidding, she's always doing bad. She's always on the verge of relapsing or killing herself or running away from the earth to rest on the moon. What happens when I'm not there?

I apply makeup before going to bed
The sound of my phone cam is driving me mad
The black stains on my pillow tell that I'm sad
And not seeing you is more than just bad

Spring was sad but worth it

messages
left on read
i know i never
linger in your head
for the words i should have said
are still sweet on my tongue
i didn't have the courage
to tell you we were done

the light washed over me and suddenly i was free of you, but the shadows occasionally creep back in
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