Matt Earl 1h

In this sorrow filled existence
Mocked by memories that bind
I'll pray for some forgiveness
From loved ones left behind
In the supposed safety of deepest sleep
The monsters come to play
Invisible tears and a silent weep
As I fail to run away
On my thoughts they feast
My bones begin to crack
Life becomes extinguished
As I fade to black.

If anyone will listen
To what I'm about to say
Please understand the hurt I feel
And how I got this way

Left behind in darkness
Wedged between walls of ice
I pray that someone hears me
Friend or foe...that would be nice

Isolated in my fears
Caught between truth and lies
Will someone hear me screaming
Or hear my desperate, pleading cries

I don't believe in loving
Or having a caring friend
Because the second that you trust them,
Is the second that they bend.

So I'm in a hollow heart of mine
Is an invy of envy that's starting to twine
And sprout the weeds of guilt
That slowly began to quilt

Over my hatred that began to grow
Over my soul's ocean to ever flow
Which to that I began to fall
And to which I lost it all.

I'm sorry for the people I've hurt
With the death I have presented
But seeing what this could of been
There's nothing that could've been prevented

Akemi 5h

sand sand sand sand sand sand
i think my mind is disintegrating
i might
kill myself
it probably began before i was born
in the beginning there was nothing
and the world was perfect
then i came into the world
and read lots of articles at university
because
i wanted a good grade
but the world began to fuzz at its edges
i’d drift back to the flat
and stare at all the objects in my room
unable to understand them
most of the time i hate myself
it’s one of the few emotions
i have left
i had this 4500 word assignment
but every time i went to type it up
my words came out, out of order
a string of unrecognisable
broken symbols
a mangled image of my own
stupid head
i came to the conclusion
i was
having a mental breakdown
the other month i
sat in the city mall
and
stared at all the passing people
in their most mundane moments
and thought
this is the rest of my life
this stupid, pointless repetition
i watched people rise on an escalator
faces fixed blankly on
the space in front of them
as if they weren’t there at all
i watched seagulls poke at one another
and squawk into the ground
and thought
there is more life in them
than us
i didn’t want to be a fuck up again
i would try to read over
what’d i’d written
for hours on end
until i was shaking, on the edge of tears
unable to understand why this was happening to me
i’d lie in bed
and think about the infinite worthless stretch of my life
feeling only an untraceable anxiety
deep in the pit of
my flesh
for the longest time
i thought all this anxiety and fear
came from without
that if i learned about existence enough
i could
excise all the bad parts out
but something in my head broke
something i couldn’t
control
maybe some part of me wanted this to happen
so i’d have a reason
to die.

the self is predicated on misrecognition
an illusion of mastery
over a world that is utterly
indifferent to it.

the first to escape control of the self is not the other
but the self's own body.

in other words
we betray ourselves.
BE McComb 16h

don't cry because
i'm gone

laugh because
my whole life
was a complete
fucking joke

Copyright 4/24/17 by B. E. McComb
mateo 19h

in the darkness I look around,
emptiness filling me as I promise
This Is The Last Time
my heart retching in relief of pain
it might be the last time of this
though gentle the poison i drink
it was sweetened to my liking
tasting the bitter aftertaste of it
my heart retching in pain, fooled again
my mouth not moving to promise more
red and swollen form the poison
eyes unsteady as the poison slowly kills
yet against all odds I resist death
against all wishes, especially mine
ode to a reaper that missed me again
so i promise, not my heart, my brain
This Is The Last Time
the poison came in sweet cakes today
the face I trust to feed me bread
poisoning me slowly for no emotional cost
to them, as I tear myself apart for it
my lungs quitting, but I don't need
air to breathe life back into me
death missed me with more time to spare
once again failing my every plea
for this life to end right here, now
I could not promise my heart, nor brain
I was stuck promising my soul
This Is The Last Time
as I swallow the poison down myself
giving myself enough to make it quick
slumping over down to whatever surface
would catch the swelling body of death
death did not miss me anymore
for I had done it myself, like I should have
before the pain began and for once
I had kept my promise to myself
It Was The Last Time

the reason i watch for the small things is because,
you may not know it, but when I walk home from work in the middle of the road, I’m seeing things as if i may never see them again because I don’t know where my mind is taking me.
I spit my prayers through grit teeth, it’s forced from my guardian's mouth when she looks through my feed and texts and tweets at night to fuel her (sometimes) self righteous ego and maintain control over my life.
when she read through my sketchbook that one morning, all i can now see are her invisible fingerprints on the page. I can’t see my words the same because there was a crime.. trespassing into my mind, even though i can’t let myself in. but I’ve changed my passcode and you’re too sloppy to realize that I know what you’re doing.
i’ve changed my locks and committed mental suicide with that key that I swallowed
still inside.

11:11-11:21pm a stream of consciousness

She sat there crying
Helplessly
Thinking of all the men
She’d watched leave
Each one left feeling pleased
For every night
She got to her knees

Why does she do this?
Does no one care?
With her bloodshot eyes
And tangled hair
She trudges home
Wishing someone was there
Alone each night
It wasn’t fair

She woke one night
Reduced to tears
Tired of being used
For so many years
She couldn’t
Face all her peers
With all the mockery
And their jeers

So, facing solitude
Once again
The girl gets up
and grabs a pen
And writes a note
To all the men
She closes her eyes
And then….

A little girl with hopes and dreams
An artistic mother whose smile beams
A burly father who protects the team
Family is as it seems

A little girl that is confused
A fighting mother who is always bruised
A father that now grabs the booze
Family is far from smooth

A young girl that can’t understand
A tired mother who sits on her hands
An angry father who only demands
Family crumbles like sand

A teenage girl with a broken heart
A single mother falling apart
A father lying asleep in a park
Family is far from the start

A teenage girl who sleeps around
A mother buried in the ground
A father who is chained and bound
Family is not profound

A young adult with pain on her mind
A mother who is still resigned
A father who was left behind
Family is redefined

I hope my life doesn't hit stanza five....I'm quite worried about mt mom right now

They swirl around, like the blood inside my body, my inner self screaming louder every time, 5:46 it reads on my phone no one to call, cause they don't care anymore.

If only I could stop it even for just a few moments I could just breathe, close my eyes with no tears when they open, why me? Why is it me?

This used to be therapy for me, I could spill out everything going on inside onto a page, but now nothing seems to be working anymore, I've a constant headache from thoughts that hurt I don't know if it will get better or maybe worse.

Self-hate rises like bile from the pit of my stomach and claws away at my throat -
the kind of pure loathing for which there is no antidote.
Revulsion of my reflection has claimed possession and poisoned me well;
and lead to a destructive path that is the equivalent of Hell.

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