god, i can't stop thinking about how it feels to be in your arms.
your big bear hugs. where your muscly arms wrap around my ribs. and my cheek rests against your chest. i'm so small, wrapped up in you. when you hold me it feels like a golden fire crackling.
like the warm buzzing in your chest after taking a shot of spiced rum.
like rolling yourself up in a blanket and dozing off.
like the smell of rain.
like when the sun is at the edge of the horizon and bleeds fuchsia.
like the sound of fireworks popping in the black sky.
like the feeling of warm sand in between your toes.
i wish i could stop craving that comfort.
i'm mad at you.
because you vanished for five days.
you didn't apologize.
and you told me you knew that i would worry. that i would act out because of it.
if you care so much for your angel, why'd you torture her like that?
you've got this evil habit of leaving me on a cliffhanger. leaving me and making me scared.
you left me wondering,
"did he kill himself?"
"did he try and end up in the hospital?"
"did he get arrested for fighting again?"
"did he and his father argue?"
"did he get sick of me and decide to leave me behind?"
and eventually what made the most sense was that you'd get bored of me and that's why you would've vanished.
but you reappeared this morning. no apology. i had to ask for you to explain. you never told me you were sorry for scaring your angel. never reassured me.
yet again, i'm trying to make things work. giving you another chance to redeem yourself. i know it's hard for you. but it's not fair for you to scare me.
In life, the two noble powers, Birth and Death
Whose balanced struggle is catalyst for the rest
Birth starts a life that it's Death's job to take
With Birth's son, Love, and Death's son Pain
Companions to hold until dust in a grave
There once was a power who ruled beneath
He'd steal the lost and smite the weak
He held man's life in his cold, cruel grasp
Without a moment of light to last
He'd visit the people, a harbinger sans ruth
Bringing news of a barren, hideous truth
Then steal away, fast as shadow rolls
Bringing with him expired human souls
Death was ruthless, death was cold
Death had no problems with himself to behold
He reveled in sadness, he thrived in blood red
He garnered his power from tears, victims shed
Then one day, a golden beam of light
The one golden ray that Death cannot smite
A soft light beam was born at the crack of dawn
And Death felt something he knew was wrong
The baby girl, such a small babe
She grew up in safety, out of Death's way
But Death could not keep away from her for long so light
He had to see her, be near her, so he visited her one night
He took not the girl, for then he could not even hope
But instead, her mother, whose thread of life he cut the rope
And the girl was saddened, desolate she cried
But Death couldn't find it in him to allow her to die
So he saved his visit to her for the last one he brings
Visiting her father and brother next he came, slicing her heart-strings
But the girl became depressed and wished not for him
But instead she pulled the dagger out on a hopeless whim
The pain was too much for her to await her Death's part
She pulled the knife out and held it over her heart
She took her own life and robbed Death of his visit such
And she passed to forever, without Death having one touch
may 13th, 9:22 pm
it's so silly to think that you used to be so warm underneath me and now you're underneath the ground six feet in and no one to love or kiss your broken fingers
may 16th, 8:41 pm
i wish you didn't have to leave me
i wish you could've killed me yourself
your heart's too soft for that though and i love you all the more for it
that's still not stopping me from missing you still
may 27th, 12:34 am
i loved you
i still do
fuck you for leaving and not telling me about it
how could you have done that
you caught me unaware, you bastard
i miss you
jul 6th, 11:32 pm
my chest hurts
i don't think it's my ribs this time
it feels deeper
jul 18, 4:03 pm
i wish you and i had been a little stronger
i wish i had a chance to see your greying hair
to kiss your wrinkled eyelids
to wrap myself around you
'til death do us part
jul 20, 2:47 am
death came a little early for you, darling
you were my dream
jul 23, 6:08 pm
you still are.
I'm writing to let you know
That I don't have anything else to give
You took away all my hope
What more do you want of me
The few breaths that I take?
They're not even for me I swear
I just don't want them to break
The ones who still care about me
Somehow you weren't able to push them away
I guess they're stronger than I'll ever be
But I don't want you to make them ache
Hurt me bruise me take my soul
But let my body here
For them , not me , I'm miserable at my best
But I can't let them live in fear
We can live together
Just don't make me die
during these nights, I realize how terribly lonely I truly am.
I'm just so easily replaceable, no one gives a damn.
It hurts so much to feel so worthless.
and I get so used to the point where I'm worn out and useless.
I guess that's the point in which everyone begins to leave.
They're doing this for the better, but it's not what I perceive.
And in these nights I just want to fucking cry.
Because I know no one would shed a tear if tonight I die.
I'm only needed for the benefits of these poor souls.
But where am I in this place besides a 6 foot hole?
Do you know that feeling?
When you feel your skin peeling?
Where your brain becomes uncovered
Revealing all the pain you tried to recover
And, oh god, you see everything becoming darker
And you plead for escape, but it's getting so much harder
And you begin to heave.
Oh god, they're closing in
And you think to yourself you cant relive this again
But they show no mercy
And they shower your eyes in shadows until everything becomes blurry
It's so dark and scary to be left like this alone
But everyone else always tells you to go into your happy home
But what they don't know is that house burned down
And they can't understand why you never make a sound
You know you're in pain and suicidally crazed
So why do you let everything become a haze?
I don't know honestly, I just bottle it in
And all I ever have is a paper and black pen.
i ain't happy, i'm feeling bad.
i've got dirt and grime
all over me;
my mind isn't pure
and neither am i.
i haven't been touched
the right way
and i needed to touch
i'm warring with my body,
i shut my eyes to the light,
forgetting my blessings
and the reasons my skin was cleansed.
miserable woman that i am,
who will save this body
under going this death?
i am praying that i can cut my time short,
and kill myself, cremate me please, self-loathing.
i ain't happy, i'm feeling bad.
i've got grime all on my hands
and there's dirt in my privates
and there's death in my head.