wine swishes in my stomach and I sway to the tune of sea sick sailors
drunkenness makes the world slip away more gracefully than anxiety
just let me live in this blue cloud of slurred words and sleepy giggles
staring at my image projected on the shadow crystal slate in front of me
as I cradle my sloshing rotten apple red drink fit for woodland fairies
I swallow one of the dried rose petals floating like ice cubes in my glass
and I almost choke on the dusty sweetness sliding down my throat
rose vines grow in my abdomen and thorns poke holes in my esophagus
letting the ambrosia stored in my stomach seep out onto my thighs
gliding through the night gleefully, dabbing champagne on my wrist
For the longest time
I've had this romanticized view of lonesome drinking
I picture someone slowly zippin on a drink
and smoking sophistically
in a dull light
while writing great poetry
But when I've finished my 12th beer
and my 28th cigarette
in a dull light
And the only thing I've written
is something shitty like this
that romantic view is dead
Still I know
Once my hangover is gone
I will do it all over again
You’re drinking away,
all that’s left of you.
You’re smoking away,
every youth of your life.
Won’t you please stop?
Oh, if only you could see
what’s under those weight you carry with you;
Is a beautiful, young and strong lady.
A tender, loving and careful soul.
A lady destined for greater things.
Just sadly born into a life,
With everything to lose.
oh, What a shame.
How many times
Can I draw on my arms
To prevent me
From hurting myself?
I've found new ways
To induce pain.
I drink too much.
I search for love in others
Who want nothing to do with me.
These black lines
Along my forearms
Do not shield me from pain
Like I wished they would.
They only mask
It's nice to see you after such a Long time apart
Your touch makes all the colors of my skin turn to art
Several nights pass, down this bottom of a glass
I cannot speak my relief to have you in my hands
These first few sips as I bring you to my lips
Make me feel so dizzy, filthy -
This hell is my bliss
Though after much time with ya
I feel nauseous in my boudoir
Maybe my dependence is a hindrance to my brilliance
But I don't know who I am in the presence of your absence
the club is not the place to be
so the bar is where you'll find me
with my girlfriend doing shots
scanning the room and catching nods
your eyes hang in the smoky air
come on over, if you dare
trust me, I'll give you a chance
surely you see that, in my glance
my friend and I are laughing like girls do
my magnetic eyes push and pull at you
starring, you haven't looked away
I can see the interest, you convey
another shot the bartender places
confused, he gestures and your glass raises
I smile as my girlfriend whispers, he's cute
toasting you, we lift our shots and shoot
I won't beg you to on come over
but it's only wasting time until you come closer
the possibilities, I foresee
I'm already in love with your body
in confidence, over you saunder
in my mind the question, I ponder
obviously I see, you're in to me
but what about my friend... are you into three?
I was naive for thinking that
You looking at me like that
meant I was
Anything more than
In your endless list of options.
Not a person, but a body
Dressed in next to nothing.
Because maybe underneath all
I am something more than just skin, and hips and breasts,
More than just lips against your neck.
Maybe you want me for more than just
What I can do to you.
It was silly of me to think that
maybe you liked the way I smiled, or danced, or drank too much, like I do you. Maybe you liked holding my gaze, from across kitchen counters, and benches, and couches.
I can only look at you like that when I'm drinking
maybe because part of me knows it's not the same for you.
And when I face rejection,
I can pretend I never really wanted you, liquor is an excellent excuse.
When you look at people for just their bodies,
There is always someone better.
I am below the better for you.
And despite the way that every person, since he left, has let me down
I thought you would be better.
I thought the way I feel about you
made this time different.
But it didn't.
I thought that feeling this way finally
After all this time,
was a sign that I wasn't being stupid for believing in a happily ever after.
That if someone could make me feel this way again,
It was supposed to work out.
Maybe not for ever after
But long enough to erase
my desperation for love.
Long enough to stop hoping
not worth hoping for.
I was a child for thinking that
you looking at me like that,
to be more than an option
when you're bored.
That my number in your phone,
doesn't blend in with all the others
when you scroll
down your screen.
choosing who means something to you
after a few drinks.
I know that I have been dumb
many times before
And every time I have told myself
"It's different." "It's more."
But this time it was a feeling.
It was real. It wasn't me trying to tell myself I could be with you
If I just gave you a chance,
just got to know you.
I want you to know me,
but you can't.
I am not naive, or stupid, childish or dumb,
But I am a fool, for basing facts off fiction. I am a fool for lying to myself hoping that the friction between us
could become something more
than me fooling myself over and over again. I am a fool for feeling too much and hoping too much, for someone who doesn't feel anything about me, at all.
she was the only thing that made sense to me on the days where i drank myself to no end
she was always so patience with her hands, ready to catch me whenever i stumbled in this drunken stupor
i know that it was hard for her to watch me kill myself with each sip i brought to my lips
yet she must know that i tried, i tried with all of my might to make everything right
so when she finally left, absolutely nothing made sense
and i cursed my empty bottles because that's all they ever became once i sucked all of the poison from them
empty, shame, left with no blame on anyone else but myself
she said i didn't try hard enough
and i broke all of the bottles as i sat within the remnants of glass