Time passes me by and I realize I'm so much bigger and yet so much smaller than I hoped to be.
I don't watch good films. I don't read enough or write enough. I don't think enough.
I don't play guitar; a couple chords is all I know, I'm afraid that's as far as I'll ever go.
I don't sit and write songs on paper, I type them out and forget about them ten minutes later.
I don't have people I can call friends; at least not anymore.
I've distanced myself from everything and everyone I ever loved.
I don't speak spanish, french or romanian. I've never seen the ocean or been kissed on the lips.
I only know a couple words in italian.
I don't go to parties. I don't have a job or a good credit score.
I don't have pretty handwriting. My mom doesn't like me; she might love me sometimes, but she doesn't like me.
My father doesn't know me,
I'm afraid by now he forgot how to pronounce my name.
I spin in circles and dream of a life of happiness, love and fame.
I dream of picking my own wall paint and moving my furniture around the place.
I dream of saying I own this house and everything inside,
I can close my eyes and enjoy some expensive wine,
I earned it.
I dream of a lover who understands that I might be happy but no amount of love could ever ease the pain or heal the hole in my brain.
I let the good thoughts escape,
the bad ones remain.
I dream of someday being able to look at my left hand and not see the purple-hued bruise that my mother left behind when she pushed to the floor that one time; it's not the first time she hits me or steals me from my dignity,
I should be used to it.
I close my eyes and I allow myself to feel the pain.
My body is weak.
I feel her dragging me to the bathroom and yelling at me.
The pain is everywhere,
I'm too dizzy to think.
The neighbors listen to her screams, my cries
But they pretend it's alright.
So the next morning when my math teacher asks me why I missed class
I look down, then he looks down and asks me why my hand is lilac
I tell him I fell, it was late at night and I didn't have my glasses on,
I take the test I missed. I hold back tears while reading words that look like greek to me
I could have died that night.
I could have died the next day.
I spent the next three years thinking about committing suicide.
She tells me she's sorry, it won't happen again. That was the last time she ever laid her hands on me; out of pity or fear that she might end up committing an inescapable felony.
She tells me she loves me,
I tell myself that love doesn't feel like daggers buried deep into your left hand.
Those broken bones never mend.
I'm almost twenty now,
I was fifteen then.
Her cries have gone unheard.
Her wails have been ignored.
Now, she has no words to spare.
She began to welcome every pain, every hurt, every heartache with open arms and struggled not against them.
As long as it is she who suffers, she does not utter a word.
As long as it is she who falls, she does not make a sound.
She has accepted her fate, her demise into the world of silence.
And no vile situation can ever cause her to murmur or mutter, as long as only she is concerned.
Shall we call it strength?
Or is it weakness?
Shall we name it wisdom?
Or is it the folly of a fool?
Can we call it noble?
Or is it a vain pursuit?
And yet, the peace of our home is maintained because of that; because of her heart-breaking silence.
And I can never understand why she allows herself to undergo such an ordeal; to continue treading this hellish and hurtful path with no definite happy ending.
And yet, she's fine with that, as long as I find mine.
People have aesthetic childhoods.
With parents that understand and cuddle them when lightning strikes.
I remember the teddy bears in my bed,
and how they smelt of mum and dad,
how I would hold Odettes ear with my finger and thumb,
my head ducked under cover in fear of an alien tickling my toes.
But now the teddies are placed high up on a shelf
away from me, out of reach.
When I realise the ear isn't in my hands,
I look around and see the dust at my feet,l like I'm down at the bottom,
I look up,
my family are at the top
and the red cord of family love bounding us together is thin, and I fear we are soon to have a disconnect again,
When I make it to the third or fourth level
I see their faces grinning with pride
at their daughter succeeding and waking up before noon,
and I say something funny to lighten the mood,
but I tumble lower by one or two
depending on how fake the laugh I hear was.
I sit in the gravel and wonder.
I don't understand why I can't touch them anymore because I'm like my mum,
we're both alike,
and I'm like my dad,
we're also alike,
but I feel lost on a planet when I meet their eyes,
like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be,
I wallow in the dust for days, until I feel
them prodding me with a stick from the top shelf,
asking me when I'll finally reach the top.
Telling me that I'm seventeen now and that I used to be on the sixth shelf when I was sixteen.
How I used to do so well with my homework,
and I would get great grades,
but now I get dark stains around my eyes,
and a tearstained face,
but from their great height, they can't see my shoulders shaking,
they just see me carrying my baggage,
too heavy for my small frame to handle.
I force my way up the mountain,
until I see their faces,
they smile and I tumble right back down.
I feel like screaming;
LOOK AT ME!
I AM HERE!
I AM ON MY PLANE,
AND YOU ARE ON YOURS!
but however hard I do scream,
the wind picks it up and carries it away,
and all they hear is;
'Look at me, I'm on your plane!"
I tumble three.
The world is slowly spinning
Yet it causes vertigo
Why do this keep on happening ?
Why do all my loved ones have to go?
I swear I saw you last night
Up in the starry sky
Outshined stars with your light
Brought longing tears to my eyes
Watching over me from above
Sending me hope in waves of unconditional love
God , how I missed this beautiful smile
I miss you so much mom
Your eyes swaddle me and keep me warm. They’re a warm ocean I dive into and when i emerge i’m saturated in your satisfying and nurturing love. Oh i love how your hugs make me feel protected from the apocalypse, as if God himself is the one and only thing that can rip me from your grasp. You’re warm soft fingers intertwined with mine remind me that i’m apart of something bigger than myself, bigger than this universe. I’m apart of your life and every time you speak my name a chill goes down my spine, lifts my body, and enhances all my senses so that I may feel, touch, taste, hear, and even smell the radiating adoration you have for me. Just to know that I’m something that crosses your mind is a privilege, a gift, and a blessing. I am so lucky. I don’t know why you share your animal crackers with me, but know that i will push you on the swing whenever your arm is broken. Know that whenever you get a cut i will always place a band aid on the bruise and kiss it to make it feel better. I will be your teddy bear and comfort you when the thoughts in your head get too much to handle. All because you shared your animal crackers. The animal crackers you’ll never get back, the ones you can never give to anyone else, the crackers that give you dangerous ownership of my heart but ownership you treat with respect. I’m a flower that you watered with your tears and you have full permission to pick me out of the ground at anytime but instead you choose to just watch me grow and admire my plump petals.
Our overwhelming love will last for eternity. All because you shared your animal crackers.
I am not sad and I am not lonely
Just because I prefer to spend time on my own, alone, with my books and my writing and my music all around me.
I know you’ve been through a lot with your daughters and I know we’ve put you in situations we should not have done
But listen mummy listen
Your girls are fine
They have outgrown themselves
Outgrown who they were 5 years ago
I love you
We love you
The soil on which we walk
About which we must talk.
For us, on soil we are weight
Though to agriculture it is a gate.
The soil is both our mother and father
And to rescue it, we must gather
Oh! How diverse it is, sometimes I cant understand
But it is The only one on which whole world stand