Imagine 💭
  
I had a dream where my mother  mustered the courage to own her truth; unabashedly and unapologetically. In that parallel universe, she owned her own identity, and not being defined as someone's wife or daughter. She never fell for anyone where she was obliged to stay, rather she dared to leave. Pursuing her dreams and travels to places she has never been before, chasing sunsets and dreams. Like the Phoenix from the ashes, she rebuilds her life from the scratch.
In another life, I don't wish to be born so that my mother can reap the benefit to live, laugh and love.
~RitzWrites 🥀

You've been my biggest fan, my ever-glowing, shining light
Showing me the way and how to do what's right
There are those that wonder, and ask me where I get my strength
I get my bravery from you, someone who would go to any length
I am the man I am because you taught me how to be
Without your love around, I do not think I could be me
These words may seem small, and they don't say what I want well
My gratefulness for you is something words could never tell
I thought I would try to write at least a couple bars
It is the least that I could do, for the woman made of stars
Whose heart has traveled galaxies; whose soul has traversed dimensions
I know that raising me was difficult, yet you always had the best intentions
Though the evenings may turn dark, there is always light in the dawn
No matter what happens, or where I may go, I am blessed to call you Mom
You say you love me to the moon and back, and I love you to Mars
Please consider this a birthday gift, to the woman made of stars

do you remember the time
when you said that you
wished you could send me back?
that you wished
you had never adopted me?

do you remember
when i called you a
substitute mother?

I was only 6
years old,
but i should have known better.

the first half of my life,
i was the problem.
i broke rules—
broke trust.

broke you.

eight years later,
everything was a fight.
i didn’t hate you,
but i hated our relationship
because it was a minefield.

ten years later,
and we’re teetering on the edge
where anything i do
can send us over.

i almost miss the constant fighting
because at least i felt angry
instead of scared.

scared of doing the wrong thing,
because i always do, every time.

at least then,
i did not have to live with
the knowledge of my guilt.

but i should feel guilty,
but it hurts.

but i should be hurting,
because you are hurt.

i want to scream,
“𝑰 𝑾𝑨𝑺 𝑱𝑼𝑺𝑻 𝑨 𝑲𝑰𝑫”,
but you were just a mother
being dismissed
by a child who you only
ever wanted to love.

now, i am the one
whose every mistake
weighs heavy
because it is one
out of a tall, tall stack.

now, i am reaping
what i sowed,
and swallowing
the bitter fruit.

Only now am I

wearing the yellow blouse, that --


belonged to mother.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he is a little ***** and rough around the edges, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he was bad with money, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he isn't as educated as I am and sometimes he gets mad at me for that, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he pulled my hair that one time, but it felt like home, and mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he treated me like ****, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he doesn't really love me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he gets pushy with ***, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know none of my friends or family like him, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he will leave me faster than he came, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he uses me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he won't be enough for me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know we love in different ways, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he draws too much attention to himself and I hate attention, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know I know, I know.

I know mama, I know.

Yes, yes mama I know.

Yes, I know

I know.

I know!

I know mama!

Yes, I know!

Don't you think I know?

Mama, I know!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

You won't listen.

Mama! HE HELD ME!