i'd wish to move on but i'm not going to forget where i came from or the mistakes i made
or the lies i made out of convenience that i regretted later
i said some straight stupid shit because i knew you were slipping away from me
i knew you weren't happy with me
every sentence about tiffany other than the story i told you in florida was a lie
i didn't stop having sex because i had it too much with her. i didn't want to hurt your feelings so i put the blame on her rather than say i wanted to stop having sex.
i saw you when you were sitting next to me being hungry. i genuinely forgot because i had gotten too comfortable with you sitting next to me to know that you didn't feel comfotable getting your own food in my house.
i knew you were feeling lonely when i wasnt talking to you. i wanted to see you make friends because if something had happened between you and me, i didn't want you to have to choose between felicia and being alone.
i told taylor to try to be your friend before i left for basic because i didn't want you to be alone while i was gone. thats why i kept pressing the two of you to be friends, because i knew she would try (and she did).
i didn't stop you from being friends with john because i wanted you to make friends with another male that was not me. i didn't trust him at all but i tried to never show it to you because i felt comfortable enough in you loving me.
i made a new account on okc because i knew from the minute you had told me you wanted a break that it was the end of the relationship.
you have your side to it as well and its not fair of me to put further pain on your side of the relationship without acknowledging my own faults. i did wrong and even though i still feel bitter about you going straight from me to him, i don't blame you.
because i did the same thing right after tiffany and i broke up when i went to briana.
i am probably talking to a wall and i won't get a response after writing the pain i had out in the earlier months on this page. i don't blame you for that either. it will probably still be some months before i can get over this.
in case you are reading this, in the very rare case you are, then you should know im still not running an account on okc. im working, ive got a car and license now, and ive decided to go into machining instead of college because college is a meme and not meant for me. i am not in a relationship either and i probably wont be in one until i can move through this.
no matter how many beers i drink per day the memory doesn't fade, but im alright with that.
i remember the first day i met you in virginia, how we talked about your sister watching us like a hawk and how we sat under the veranda in the park and watched the squirrels.
i remember the nights i spent with you as we messaged back and forth on facebook, when you wanted help with dealing with felicia. i remember you getting me interested in kpop and sending me exo-k videos and sending pictures back and forth.
i remember when i found out in basic that you got the tattoo which is now on the back of your neck and how warm it made me feel, to know that (even though you didn't learn about it until later) someone else felt the same about remembering their past and making a permanent reminder on their body of what we were.
i remember all the days we were excited to see each other and then last year we did it for the first time. i remember laying next to you in your bed, and i remember seeing my letters right next to your bed and reading them as i hugged you from behind.
i remember taking you out to eat sushi for the first time and how we watched the two guys push their truck out of the intersection and into the gas station, laughing as they high fived each other.
i remember when we went to the internet cafe to play league of legends next to each other and how i said my head looked like an alien in the picture you took of me.
i remember driving back to your house and we sang fleet foxes the whole way back, and i remember you on the flight to my house as i told you about the legend of skarsnik, the goblin vampire.
my memory fades a bit at my house, but i remember going to the akron zoo with you and lake and seeing your face as you watched the animals, and how lake and i were joking about the names of the animals and dippin dots.
i remember how you cried at the airport when it was time for you to leave and how i kept reassuring you i would see you again soon. since im committing to telling the truth, i cried a little bit too once i got back home.
i remember buying the tickets with you for going to florida in december and how nervous you were to meet my friends, and how i said i would stick up for you in case anyone was mean.
i remember you meeting john and the others and being happy that you made some new friends, and i remember me joining your games to yell and say dumb shit and everyone would laugh.
i remember watching wolf children, a letter to momo, grave of the fireflies, castle in the sky, princess jellyfish, and toradora with you, and how you cried watching them and i loved you for feeling a connection to each word they would speak.
i remember you coming to my house in december after so much anxiety and fear, and how you sat next to me each night and would go upstairs to sleep after hugging me for 15 minutes and wanting me to come sleep with you.
i wont go further because its starting to get painful for me, but i remember it all friend. i wasted a golden opportunity to be with someone i had invested everything into because of a momentary reaction within me that kept spiraling into what happened just a couple months ago.
from what i can tell, you're happier than you've ever been. all i can see are your old hp account and the public view of your facebook accounts since i was blocked from everything else. i don't blame you for anything you've done. i am in the wrong and hopefully one day i will get the courage to message this to you directly, but if even posting exactly everything i feel here with the possibility of you seeing it is difficult for me, its still probably going to be some time.
if i never talk to you again, then i am sorry that i did what i did. i am sorry i allowed things to get so bad when i was supposed to be the rock you could hold onto in a storm. i forgave you three times in the past for breaking up with me, and now i pray one day you can forgive me for the one cascade of bad decisions i did a couple months ago.
if i do talk to you again, then i dont care how painful it is for me but every word that will ever be said from me to you will be the truth. the pain of realization and regret would be too much for me to stomach to lie again.
thank you for reading. even if you dont forgive me, or even if nothing changes, or even if i never hear from you again.