seshi 45m
i want to see a future
where i don't hate myself

for the choices i don't make
but instead love myself

for the opportunities i
rise from challenges
Genesee 3d
That word alone scares me
Because I've had to deal with people
Abandoning me , leaving me
Having me pick up my broken pieces on my own
So thought of someone staying
Confuses me because they say '' I'll stay ''
But every single time like clockwork
Suddenly it turns into silently leaving me and
Abandoning me out of no where
So yes the word and actual commitment
scares me to the point where I am the one
to leave first to spare myself the hurt
And of course from what I've seen
everyone says they will stay but in reality
once one is vulnerable and shows someone all the reasons
not to stay along with the brokenness
that is their past
Of course they all leave
That's what I deserve / All I'm used to  
So why should I expect you to stay
Back it up with your actions
- excerpt from a book I'll never write
Odds stacked, but the overbearing
Often mistaken thoughts that are lending
More and more credence to my mind

Jaw slacked, but this mind has been sharpened
Its more than a fact, we breathe brokenhearted
But it's going to take far more than that this time

We spoke once, before it was over
We must speak again, cure the disorder
You're the only medicine I have in mind

Oblivion, or the loss of retention
Mysterious, if only for the second
Don't leave me sinking slowly into brine

It only takes a start and
You'll find yourself in time
Down an over guarded
Vaulted false start of a ending
Jay 3d
This uncle was so un-cool to his little niece
every night comes with an endless movement of push- up's on her delicate skin
Her legs torn apart in his own apartment
As he advance to take advantage of her little age..
Ssshhhhhh! BE SILENT
Uncle didn't stop until he broke her HYMEN..
This questions and many more was his key to the vault between her legs..
It just there month pass and her stomach is already raising to the challenge
Her womb bore the evident of his Crime..
Don't panic... He said..
I know a doctor that can take lives
just an injection and a few pills
you be alright..
Buh sadly this were the last pills she ever took...
Venus 3d
I have just woken up and the gems in the corners of my sunken eyes have grown a new universe
The vision is hidden by a layer of fog on my eyes but I can see it - the sky is raining cherry eucalyptus throat lozenges
Sudanyl is blooming like grass out of the ground
I look to the river and find that ibuprofen covered fish swim there
The cherry eucalyptus rain falls harder
It enters my system
Now the grass grabs my chubby ankles and pulls me into the water
Drowning in the red candy rocks I try to pull myself out but they've got me
The native people of the area gather around and watch as I am sucked into a box of tissues
The medicine follows and creeps into my eyes, my throat, my ears, Me
I am sucked further into the box and pulled into a world of clear sinuses and throats without flem
I'm the Augustus Gloop of medicine
The Augustus Gloop of colds
i'd wish to move on but i'm not going to forget where i came from or the mistakes i made

or the lies i made out of convenience that i regretted later

i said some straight stupid shit because i knew you were slipping away from me

i knew you weren't happy with me

every sentence about tiffany other than the story i told you in florida was a lie

i didn't stop having sex because i had it too much with her. i didn't want to hurt your feelings so i put the blame on her rather than say i wanted to stop having sex.

i saw you when you were sitting next to me being hungry. i genuinely forgot because i had gotten too comfortable with you sitting next to me to know that you didn't feel comfotable getting your own food in my house.

i knew you were feeling lonely when i wasnt talking to you. i wanted to see you make friends because if something had happened between you and me, i didn't want you to have to choose between felicia and being alone.

i told taylor to try to be your friend before i left for basic because i didn't want you to be alone while i was gone. thats why i kept pressing the two of you to be friends, because i knew she would try (and she did).

i didn't stop you from being friends with john because i wanted you to make friends with another male that was not me. i didn't trust him at all but i tried to never show it to you because i felt comfortable enough in you loving me.

i made a new account on okc because i knew from the minute you had told me you wanted a break that it was the end of the relationship.

you have your side to it as well and its not fair of me to put further pain on your side of the relationship without acknowledging my own faults. i did wrong and even though i still feel bitter about you going straight from me to him, i don't blame you.

because i did the same thing right after tiffany and i broke up when i went to briana.

i am probably talking to a wall and i won't get a response after writing the pain i had out in the earlier months on this page. i don't blame you for that either. it will probably still be some months before i can get over this.

in case you are reading this, in the very rare case you are, then you should know im still not running an account on okc. im working, ive got a car and license now, and ive decided to go into machining instead of college because college is a meme and not meant for me. i am not in a relationship either and i probably wont be in one until i can move through this.

no matter how many beers i drink per day the memory doesn't fade, but im alright with that.

i remember the first day i met you in virginia, how we talked about your sister watching us like a hawk and how we sat under the veranda in the park and watched the squirrels.

i remember the nights i spent with you as we messaged back and forth on facebook, when you wanted help with dealing with felicia. i remember you getting me interested in kpop and sending me exo-k videos and sending pictures back and forth.

i remember when i found out in basic that you got the tattoo which is now on the back of your neck and how warm it made me feel, to know that (even though you didn't learn about it until later) someone else felt the same about remembering their past and making a permanent reminder on their body of what we were.

i remember all the days we were excited to see each other and then last year we did it for the first time. i remember laying next to you in your bed, and i remember seeing my letters right next to your bed and reading them as i hugged you from behind.

i remember taking you out to eat sushi for the first time and how we watched the two guys push their truck out of the intersection and into the gas station, laughing as they high fived each other.

i remember when we went to the internet cafe to play league of legends next to each other and how i said my head looked like an alien in the picture you took of me.

i remember driving back to your house and we sang fleet foxes the whole way back, and i remember you on the flight to my house as i told you about the legend of skarsnik, the goblin vampire.

my memory fades a bit at my house, but i remember going to the akron zoo with you and lake and seeing your face as you watched the animals, and how lake and i were joking about the names of the animals and dippin dots.

i remember how you cried at the airport when it was time for you to leave and how i kept reassuring you i would see you again soon. since im committing to telling the truth, i cried a little bit too once i got back home.

i remember buying the tickets with you for going to florida in december and how nervous you were to meet my friends, and how i said i would stick up for you in case anyone was mean.

i remember you meeting john and the others and being happy that you made some new friends, and i remember me joining your games to yell and say dumb shit and everyone would laugh.

i remember watching wolf children, a letter to momo, grave of the fireflies, castle in the sky, princess jellyfish, and toradora with you, and how you cried watching them and i loved you for feeling a connection to each word they would speak.

i remember you coming to my house in december after so much anxiety and fear, and how you sat next to me each night and would go upstairs to sleep after hugging me for 15 minutes and wanting me to come sleep with you.


i wont go further because its starting to get painful for me, but i remember it all friend. i wasted a golden opportunity to be with someone i had invested everything into because of a momentary reaction within me that kept spiraling into what happened just a couple months ago.

from what i can tell, you're happier than you've ever been. all i can see are your old hp account and the public view of your facebook accounts since i was blocked from everything else. i don't blame you for anything you've done. i am in the wrong and hopefully one day i will get the courage to message this to you directly, but if even posting exactly everything i feel here with the possibility of you seeing it is difficult for me, its still probably going to be some time.

if i never talk to you again, then i am sorry that i did what i did. i am sorry i allowed things to get so bad when i was supposed to be the rock you could hold onto in a storm. i forgave you three times in the past for breaking up with me, and now i pray one day you can forgive me for the one cascade of bad decisions i did a couple months ago.

if i do talk to you again, then i dont care how painful it is for me but every word that will ever be said from me to you will be the truth. the pain of realization and regret would be too much for me to stomach to lie again.
thank you for reading. even if you dont forgive me, or even if nothing changes, or even if i never hear from you again.
As I wrote to a reader this morning, "I'm an R&M person, a rhyme and meter person (on which I work hard)" Content, form - they go together. This morning's work: which may need working on sometime in the future, natch'

        Vanity Or What? Or Not?✍️
If the Messiah they need is a woman
Convince them only men are holy.

If the Messiah they need is black
Convince them only white is holy

If the Messiah they need is same gender loving or non-binary
Convince them only heterosexual is holy

If the Messiah they need is proud
Convince them only humility is holy

If the Messiah they need holds knowledge in their left hand
Convince them the right hand is holy

If the Messiah they need has a ten point plan of righteously defending one's self
Convince them that the only holy answer is nonviolence.

If they ever one day happen to believe that they can define:
By Self
Through Self
Of Self
Convince them that holiness is only attainable through a message and belief of:
Holy and selective Prosperity
Holy and selective Favoritism
Holy and selective

If they ever happen to look in the mirror and one day love all that they see
Convince them that the holy standards of beauty deems every and all that makes them what they are ugly

If they ever happened to one day realize that the Messiah that they need is within all of them as a United People
Convince them that the holy Messiah can only lay in one person per generation and then publicly assassinate the person that they believe
Or you have chosen
To be their

© Christopher F. Brown 2018
Audora 5d
There's always a light in the shade somewhere...
Mike D 5d
One who bares all
wears less of a mask
no need to ask
Not afraid to reveal
Hiding under a veil
or a ghost with a sheet
No shit
No sheet music to lull and confuse
Not a ruse
but a rooster
calling out

The real thing
true and genuine
Doesn’t take a genius
No time machine needed
Much like a stitch-in-time
A time saver
In good favor
Aromatic scent
Tasty flavor
No misbehavior
or bee stings
Sudden sting
Wince in pain
from this we refrain

The refrain of a song
We all sing along
riding in a long
Not afraid to be seen

Not obscene
but bursting on the scene
An obese oboe
belonging to someone I know
Sometime ago
With much ego
He go
We go
But not on stage
Not a show
More like show-and-tell
You can tell
No attempt to sell
Alone in the cell
Or like a cell tower above
See what you’re made of
The bride to be?
Or the maid-of-honor?

For there is no honor among thieves
No ‘thank you’ or ‘please’
An unpleasing thought
but one that ought
be searched for and sought
Else distraught
Cannot be taught

But the taught line of the rope
is held in hope
And the clown may laugh
But a fool’s laugh is loud
and carry’s far
For it rides on the back of fear
And as it makes itself clear
In an audible tone
so that all can hear
I whisper in your ear

This is the way they say
To gather one’s attention
Relieve stress and tension
A clear message I’m sending
In case you aren’t getting
Let me set the setting

The beginning has come and passed
And our moment now
is tomorrow’s past
so don’t pass the buck
Buck the trend
Crops you must tend
And in the tendency
of tender hearts
I give you one last
gasp of breath
Head laid upon the breast
The bosom soft
and head held close
If you listen intently
you can almost
Feel the chill
Drinking evening swill
Was it just a thrill?
Only time will tell
Just my mind wandering......

Written: March 16, 2018

All Rights Reserved
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