Chloe 1h

Pink Hotel

and behind some bitter, white picket fence
she sat
actually, she stalled.

Tapped her feet on the pavement, cuddled the curb in her ripped dress.
She wore pink in her hair,
little slivers of an innocent, chapped lip.

a dying pink.

The fence creaked with the interrupting wind.
and she stood, danced across the street.

cracked hands gripping frigid door handles,
come on in.

Torn garments, wisps of pink flying from her head,
she felt pretty in pink,
third grade, mother-just-bought-a-new-bow pretty,
innocent, dad-bought-me-glittery-shoes pretty.

Painless pretty.
Sane pretty.

No more
he-just-wants-to-see-me-bare pretty,
he-gives-me-lots-of-drinks pretty,

Worthless pretty.
Lost pretty.

Pink matter that drips onto a glass floor,
everyone can see through it,
through her.

What is it, woman?
she gave her hand to a solo cup,
So alone.
Pink drink, it’s good for you,
good to me.

To the third floor,
and lay down.

do you like the pink?

He always said I looked good with pink.

-C.M Aldecoa

Living in a college town, I notice how many girls use cosmetics, fashion, alcohol and drugs to express themselves. Even the darkest parts. And how easy it is to stick to bad habits that hurt you in the end. Pink Hotel, in all its metaphors, revolves around this "pink hotel," pink being this representative color of innocence, of what beauty should be. A color that attracts girls, which is why the hotel is pink. A welcoming home for girls that allow themselves to be dazzled and used by men that see them as just the color pink, and not for who they are. A sad truth, but the truth.
humdrum 1h

my life,
twenty years bearing
my heart to those who
would repudiate
me as soon as
the chance
i wonder if you think
of me
and then i stop wondering
about you
i can no longer love anyone
else more than i
love myself

Leila Shearer May 2016

Without you by my side,
This throne crumbles to ruin.

Without you by my side,
My crown gathers rust.

Without you by my side,
I'm no longer a queen.

Without you by my side,
I'm just another peasant.

Without you by my side,
I join the countless lost souls.

Without you by my side,
I'm worthless.

I no longer
The woman
You love.
You're by my side.


I'm so fucking tired and yet I can't seem to rest.
This isn't a dream, so how can I wake up?
How can I escape?
Tell me!
Shouldn't there be an exit sign in bright green or red lights?
It's a hazard not to have them
and yet it seems I'm the hazard.
How do I escape?
How can I escape the demon inside of me if I am the demon?!
I looked under the bed for the demon,
but it's all in my head.
It's controlling me.
I can't escape this dream.
Or is it reality?!
I can't rest!
My mind is racing.
It's like Mario Kart.
If someone throws something and I happen to land on it I lose control and I fall behind,
slowing down.
People don't realize how they affect me.
How do I win this race if I'm racing the thing inside me?
How do I defeat my demon?!
How do I defeat it without destroying myself?!
I need to rest!
But I keep lapping around and falling behind.
I keep my problems under my bed,
that's where I thought my demon would be.
But my demon is the problem.
I'm the problem…- I'm the.. problem.
But I can't fix my problems when I'm tired.
And no one but my demon is around to help me.
I really need to rest…
but my bed is cold and bare,
and I hug the only thing I have..
My demon...
I only have myself…
this world is a race,
and I'm falling behind.
You won,
I ran out of time..
I can finally rest...

I keep telling people who ask,
I'm the best I've ever been!
But if that's so true
Why am I still crying every night because I miss my brothers
Or blame myself for the divorce
Or regret liking this boy because even though we've kissed a lot, I don't think he likes me
Yet I'm happy?
I have a job,
Family with structure,
A school with great grades on my scripts
But I can't trust anyone or see where I fit
I'm so lost in a little city
But don't worry big city 'friends,' I'm great!

I don't regret moving so far away but who was I to think I would become someone starting as an empty shell

I feel alone
But not always
The voices
The sadistic, vile voices.
They keep me company.
Like any child raised in a church
You begin to get used to talking how they do.
Copying their words
Mimicking their actions
Wearing what they wear.
No, my voices don’t sing hymns.
They don’t wear Sunday’s best.
They don’t plaster on a friendly smile.
But they also don’t compare me to the other girls.
I think..
They don’t talk about me behind my back.
Or do they?
No, No. They don’t flaunt my secrets.
They wouldn’t.. Right?
Church people are different then voices.
Much different...

And what if I would dissappear?

Would you miss me?

These urges keep coursing through my mind.
The feelings it brought the sensation I felt.
It was my own personal drug that no one will take. 
My body tingles as the feeling of it comes running through my head and i can almost feel it .
But almost isn't enough.
I need it, I crave it, it was the one thing keeping me sane.
And it's been gone for so long it frightens me.
The thought  of never feeling it again.
So I whisper as I stand alone in my room my hands shaking in anticipation "Just one more time, one more time and I'll stop.
  No one has to know it'll be our little secret.

my eyes are open
and it hurts
every time I breathe
the air is a little broken
all my emotions
yet the pain remains
going through the motions
grasping with fingers
gasping for oxygen
a bitter corrosion
the rain comes
I can't hold on
and refuse to
let go

Oh lord
What a handsome man I see
Each time your vision fills my mind
I'm overcome with passions deep
An urgent yearning
That makes me blind
And for a time..  I forget
That we are lovers torn apart
So on from sunrise to sunset
I quench the fears, within the heart

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