listening to the hum of the AC
i'm laying here next to my daughter
and this is as good as its going to get
and it should be good enough
and I am grateful
but I have laid here
and there next to a man
who I loved
even though
he didn't love me
and I felt
like I wasn't alone
I felt loved
and I'm not alone now
I have this little girl with me
but really I am
and I should be grateful
and I am
but I'm alone
and it never bothered me
before him
and now...
I always will be
but there was a time
when I felt like I wasn't

Alone again, I close my eyes
Dream I am flying away
To some far off place
Maybe up in Canada
In the spring time
You said it was beautiful
This time of year
Maybe we could plant a garden
Of primrose and lilac poems
If the snow has thawed, by then
And you have forgiven me
For being so cold, by then
then maybe, we could be

©LadyofRavenhill 4/24/17

Spit on me and use me.
Leave me with no words.
I don't need an explanation because I'm aware of my self worth.

Make me feel special in the ways that trigger me the most.
Searching for risks and thrills that in the end make me feel worse.

I want to relapse back into my years of drug abuse.
I want to be numb in a good way, I need everything to hurt.

Damage me baby, while I damage myself.
Self destruction is my only talent.
Treat me like I'm dirt.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Finding affection from men,
who I can't even look in the face because I'm scared of them.
Fear is my only comfort,
I have no real home.  

Don't touch me if you're going to be nice.
Don't touch me if you think that I'm alright.
Feed me with poison and get off to the fact I'm vulnerable.
I'm vulnerable, I'm easily mislead and they are the only reasons that  I'd end up in your bed.

Completely not self aware.
So dissociated that you could kill me and I wouldn't even flinch or stare.
So disconnected that to others I could just be a sex doll.
Gag my mouth,
tie my arms.
Then kick me out and send me home.

I'm all alone.

You are the one love,
Beyond my dreams,
It seems I can never give up.

Long ago,
On a June day,
You changed my destiny.

Am I wrong to feel such intense love,
For a Soul, I have never held?
For a bright spirit that fills my heart every day?

Is this love true?
Is this love I feel wrong?
Is this the love my heart has been waiting so long for?

Love, help me find the courage,
To answer these questions,
And travel home, to where my love dreams.

Home to my eternity.

Copyright © 2017 Ronald J Chapman All Rights Reserved.

[Eng] [Ep 20] Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo

we go to high school where we make a really good friend.
or we think they are our friend
until one day they turn on you in the split of a second.
its just what they said they wouldn't do.
now we are alone.
now we go through our personal battles with depression and there the only one we want to talk to
but we can't
were alone
with the thoughts that are eat us alive

The worst part about
missing you is not knowing
whether you feel this
way about me too.

Crimsyy 1d

Things I know to be true
at 10 pm on a Friday night:
I know I feel more at home
on my own, alone,
I know that alone to me
is not the feeling of
suffocating inside your own skin,
I know my skin is
the only real estate I'll
ever permanently own.
I know my skin
is not my enemy,
I know my skin
is always ready to welcome me.
I know my mind
is a lovely place to spend your time in
if you don't mind the looming threat
of a tornado or an earthquake.
I know your love is like
a vestigial organ
I do not require
but am willing to carry.
I know I love ferociously
and somedays that love
is a vestigial organ
I could go well without,
like tonsils in my throat
limiting my voice,
but does your heart ever
give you a choice?
I know I'm breathing
and nothing is falling apart
around me,
and even without you here,
I know I'm safe.

I was trying to show that I'm not like rest,
but I think I only succeeded in boring you to death,
As I can see the lint from you picking at your pockets,
And the burn marks on the same fingertips from sticking them in sockets.

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