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Believing is seeing,
But you don't believe in flight.
You got a board,
But you don't feel free.
You got the spirit,
But you don't use it in life.
You're an extrovert,
But I never see you with people.

I have all theses thing like you,
But others can see my heart.
They see my passion.
They see my friends.
They see my pain, but also my joy.

I got my board,
And I'm ready to FLY!!!!
I love to skateboard because it is then that is the only time that I feel free.
Sanny 4h
I got the chance to have you one last time.

A wake-up call for the both of us.

A different one though, you felt more.

I felt less.

I needed that one last night to realize.

You're free to go.
The written battles...

I cry, inside.
I scream, on the other.

The feeling of separation from that which I should not have been,
has me feeling more alone than I'm used to.

The feeling of lostness and anger transpires in my bones and
flows its way through my already pained veins.

This, I suppose, is my reality.
To find my way in the place I've never belonged.
And might just never do...

I lost the only one who had a mind anything near my own,
The only one who knew my pains...

But even she left me behind.

On the days that I don't mind,
It's as if it had never happened.

On days like these...
It tears me apart like no one ever sees.

What does "family" even mean...

~Robert van Lingen
the window makes the room

youth never looked prettier in my room

An insect till i die
Dee 2d
The I love you's and I miss you's all turned to violent threats,
All the giggling and the laughing became broken whimpered frets..
My once smiling lips became pinched tightly around a burning cigarette,
Your whispered sweet words gone, you shout at me angry and upset.
Accusations loud and sharp were thrown at me without regret.
Anxiety disguised as butterflies bruised my insides from all your texts.
The fear at your reactions always present in my mindset,
No more of this! I'm done paying in angst some racked up unknown debt.
I'm done forever proving I'm alone at home and not getting some guys **** wet,
I tried but I am done, this isn't love being trapped inside your net.
But like a Phoenix in the ashes, I'm reborn from all the fires that you set.
The chains you tried to bind me in are gone now, in my life I've pressed reset,
I'm happy that I left you and broke free, on that you can bet.
The day I wept,
Today I slept,
I swept aside that which kept me awry,
And I breathe a sigh of relief to those who listen.

The days I wept,
Long passed,
Long avast are my tears, the yearning and the burning,
Fears abound.

A year's past and I have found that which I thought I had all along.

Yet, today I am not blind to agony, the fight,
I remember that which I lost of myself,
Now regained in a new light.

Her name?

-Robert van Lingen
Written and Published on Wattpad 01-26-2016
no one has made a hole in my heart
that i couldn’t fix
in the end, i never needed you
you were a temporary part of my life
and that simple fact has made me free
They never spoke again,
I have waited a year and a half,
I have reached out time and again,
But there comes a time when enough is enough.

I cannot force them back into my life,
Cannot force them to utter just one more word,
I will always love them just the same,
But their silence causes so much pain.

It feels like a whole population died,
Been wiped clean off the Earth;
And knowing in reality so many think I lied,
Just makes me want to run away and hide.

I cannot do anymore than I have,
I have forgiven them for how they treated me,
I completely understand the culture, though its sad,
I cannot go back and change what happened to me.

I miss them dearly,
I think about them every day,
I think about the pain I caused them,
Now in my history they will forever stay.

I long to have contact with cousins,
Aunties, Uncles, and friends,
But I know this will never happen,
And I will likely never see them again.

Its all so mixed up in my mind,
The events that caused me to be singled out,
If id had the choice, I would have gone to court,
Because then I would have less doubts.

I am disturbed by memories,
And also by the suicidal hanging,
And knowing that my people,
See me at fault for everything.

It makes me feel ***** and ashamed,
That I, and the other women are still blamed,
And for what is it that we have done?
To be born as "women" is all we have done.

Kevin, Maisie, Clare, Anna,
Eileen, Rita, Peter, Barbara,
Candice, Kerry, Alex, Teeny,
Susan, Wendy, Dennis, and Jelly...

Those names are so very few
Of the huge number of relatives I have,
I still remember the day at the refuge,
When you turned me away - even that made me so sad.

If it were not for South African women,
Running the refuge out of sight out of mind,
Then there would be nowhere for Island women,
Nowhere to turn, yet these women were so kind.

But I know the rest of you still look down on me,
As you no doubt look down on many others,
And what did we do to deserve this?
To be born as women; in that you are so disgusted.

Disgusted with me for questioning abuse,
For speaking out for the others,
Disgusted that I have broken the "silence",
For women are not to be "free", I have discovered.

For if women are to be "free" - then they must be alone,
Discarded by all and everyone,
For "causing you pain",
For "shaming the Island's name".

I still love you -
And always will,
You hold a special place in my heart,
That no one else can fill.

.....I was born a woman - entering this World having already committed the crime....and for that I am sorry.
Random middle of the night piece.
Thank you to you
For doing what you could for me.
Thank you for teaching me that love isn’t something fake, that it’s attainable.
That it’s something that can naturally happen and come from nothingness
That one can love and be loved but that there is always a consequence around the corner
Thank you for showing me that I’m capable of being an object of affection not an object of objectification.
I have the ability of being touched and it meaning something with every smooth move and gentle kiss I can be someone’s something and that it’s not an impossibility.
Thank you, for you.
For showing me that all the colors of the rainbow can be seen even on the cloudiest of days in a person.
Not in the gray painted skies after a storm within cascading cumulonimbus clouds
Thank you for leaving me.
Thank you for showing me that I am strong and can come from **** and back
That I can pick myself up off the ground even when my rainbow turns upside down and grayscale against the bright blue sky
Thank you for giving me the chance to rise up from underneath the crust of the earth to blossom into the flower of a person I always knew I could be. Petals perfectly placed facing the sun soaking up her essence and basking in her warmth
Thank you to you.
For showing me that love ******* hurts and that sometimes you have to hit the lowest low in a bottle or **** to feel something and come back from that to be the person you always hoped you could be.
To be the person who can come from nothing.
Thank you for making me an addict.
You were my drug of choice, then I found others to fill that hole in which I wish you were.
Other oddities in things that which you inhale and exhale and find yourself falling in too deep shot after shot and solo cup after solo cup, but even after the night is over I stumble back finding myself... solo.
Thank you for leaving.
And letting me discover all of the things that can happen when the one thing you care about dissipates in midair.
My time with you taught me that I need no one.
That I can pull myself up.
That I am my own shining glittering rainbow on the cloudiest of days and that I don’t need YOU.
That I can blossom from the crust up and find my own happiness and salvation in the things I care about.
And be okay being solo.
Thank you to you.
For doing all these things for me you unknowingly did.
It was simple

The general flow
and proximity
of the world
that I swam to
and sought
the universe.

She let me touch
the infinitesimal
stars and skies;
the grays and greens
the nothingness
and the everything
all at once.

Humans were
different too.
Free of societal
and frustrations
I was able to breath.

Surface breaking
where control wasn't
and organization wasn't
and emotions became

The constant
in and out
where I was pulled
was also where I pushed.
where the world smiled
and I smiled back
where everything was so

and then I woke up.
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