Benny showed me
how to twirl
a toy gun
around my finger.
I managed to do
as he said
although it fell off
my finger a few times
before I did it right.
it isn't ladylike
to twirl a gun
around my finger
but I like doing
what Benny does.
I like being
to his Robin Hood
or Mrs Earp
to his Wyatt Earp.
He showed me
how to fire
and knock a tin can
off a wall.
Mum wanted me
to help her
my little brother
as he kicked so
while she changed
I had to hold
his little legs
to stop him kicking
and the smell
Benny said we
can go to
the morning matinee
and see films
I'll have to ask Mum
and see if she
for me to go.
Mum looked tired
when she said
it was bedtime.
I went to bed
but couldn't get
twirling a toy gun
around my finger
out of my head.
pretty lies and pretty smiles
poisonous kisses and ravenous wishes
you, another monster obscured by
sweet nothings laced with deception
me, another innocent prey to
your pitcher plant
can you tell me
how the kindest boy
can turn into the most cruel
i should've known
i could've stopped it
but the traffic light was broken
and i hadn't stopped
so i crashed with full force
but let me tell you a secret
i had seen everybody stopped
but i closed my eyes and felt the thrill
I fell in love with the dusk sky.
It confusing colour but appeared to be enticing.
Wind blowing the fallen leaves and leave me wondering where it’ll take them.
Wild flowers bloom in shameless motion.
And then I moved.
With my two legs,
arms that were slightly swinging. Complaining and blessing about rough and pretty things.
I knew where this path will take me. But I wasn’t sure.
I never be sure.
Until I met you half way. And you left me half way too.
I was caught in your gaze again
one that if you trace I look away.
a gaze that no one caught except my heart,
oh how my heart skips a beat then races to
catch up. how your smile lifts me up when my tears
drown me out. oh how your words comfort me even
when they aren't to me at all. how your gaze that i'm still
stuck in a maze, until you meet and smile till the next day
ill stick like this for a while.
"You did not break me. I am not broken."
But then again maybe you did. Maybe I am.
But I still repeat those words to myself over and over again in the hopes that if I say them enough then they will become true.
I don't want to be broken because then I have to admit that I gave someone the power to do so.
It scares me to think that he hurt me so much that there's no moving forward.
I am stuck.
I now fear everything. I am scared to get close to someone else. I am scared to give someone else a chance; fearing that it'll just be another chance to hurt me.
How do I move past this? How do I accept what happened? The boy I loved, the boy I thought (and knew) was in love with me too. Hurting me the way he did, as many times as he did, that's not love. It can't be, can it?
I want to move on. I want to be happy again. But he stops me every time. And by he I mean me. I stop me. Because I never want to feel how I felt ever again.
As she looked in the mirror.
A vision slowly getting unclearer.
She hated her freckles.
She hated her eyes.
She hated the curves at the tops of her thighs
They were magnets to her eyes.
But outside her window.
Was a boy in his room.
He couldn't help but think of a girl he knew.
A girl with freckles.
And pretty brown eyes.
A girl who was beautiful.
No matter what size.
His color is yellow; a faded yellow.
He wanted to win over everyone
who would promise his acceptance.
He wanted fame, fortune, foolish gold.
The poor boy; riddled with disdain.
So he lied to his rainbow friends
and kissed every woman he obsessed,
only to fade away in the background.
He rotted next to his yellow daisies;
awaiting his departure into the sun.