Driving home
Song reminds me of you
Comes on
That's when I break down
Eyes will be red
From all the tears
I'm gonna cry now
Don't know how I fell this hard
For somebody, I never met
The only answer I can get is
I'm in love with the idea of you
I'm sorry for lashing out
Just wanted you to be all in
Didn't like the games
it felt like you were playing

They tried to tell me this was lust
But I know it never was
Wanted more than just sex from you
You gave me that rest of my life
Kind of vibe
And all I wanted to do
Was fall deeply in love with you
Could somehow picture just us two.

There seems to be
All these little things
That just remind me of you
And I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
You know I would
(You know I would)
Images flash in my head
Memories of you
Can't escape
This heartbreak
Can't find a way
To lose these feelings
You gave

They tried to tell me this was lust
But I know it never was
Wanted more than just sex from you
You gave me that rest of my life
Kind of vibe
And all I wanted to do
Was fall deeply in love with you
Could somehow picture just us two.

Feels like I've lost
A part of my soul
Feels like there's a massive hole
Inside of me
Where you used to be
I'm trying to fill it
With something else
Can't seem to find something
That makes me feel the same way
That I feel about you
Still crushed
Still, hurts with every heartbeat
Ode to her on repeat
Can't believe I lost it all
Just like that
It all ended
Just like that

They tried to tell me this was lust
But I know it never was
Wanted more than just sex from you
You gave me that rest of my life
Kind of vibe
And all I wanted to do
Was fall deeply in love with you
Could somehow picture just us two.

Still, love ya
Still, want ya
Want you to know
This heart is still yours
No matter what you think
What you thought
I was always gonna be yours
I may be, broken
Shattered at the core
But I'd go back through it all
for you
I'd do anything for you

They tried to tell me this was lust
But I know it never was
Wanted more than just sex from you
You gave me that rest of my life
Kind of vibe
And all I wanted to do
Was fall deeply in love with you
Could somehow picture just us two.

©2017 Written By Benji James

One wish two fish and a spiralling trivial moment
three at a restaurant
the food tastes of ash and soot his foot against mine under the table you hold my hand and he glances down and whispers
more more always asking never giving wanting the everlasting attention
retention
my inability to be consistent in my heart that always starts but never finishes the plate under my nose
I chose the dessert and learnt that fire means nothing and burns up every morsel
leaves a bitter taste in the mouth
under my tongue and under my lips you kissed he kissed now I lay in bed staring at the ceiling
he breathes
a deep steady slumber beside me whilst my eyes are wide my soul is wide open to be pierced by the retribution of my sins
forgive
a sacred stolen word that haunts my every step I lay in bed twisted in sheets that soak and devour my every breath
you left

as easy as
one
two
three
watch me go
your love will never know
the damage you can deal
when you're bitter the strikes become real and frantic
kisses that exist with other lips
softer lips
that speak with no denial or trickery
that day in the library
you were the mystery
that I endeavoured to conquer
a war path that cost me half my soldiers
all my provisions
and my dignity
my love was an ugly defeat I retreat and sink beneath the earth the steady dirt a sturdy hand slowly
slowly
crushes the breath from my body
do you see?
it is your
victory

More than anything,
I fear the kind of pain I've had to experience within just a short period of knowing you.
I'm scared of how much worse it could possibly get,
Given that you wish to make amends for a wrong that could have easily been avoided.

Its rare that I get torn over the actions of someone,
Even more unheard of for me to feel the uncertainty of whether distance would be the best option,
Or if trying to look past it all is what is needed of me.

There's a lot I'm unsure of,
Whether I can even continue considering your friendship
To have even been real,
Maybe it was an escape route to getting closer to me,
Maybe you actually meant well,
Maybe I turned out to not be worthy of your time,
Maybe what you thought is not what I was...

Maybe,
Just maybe,
I shouldn't feel bad for wishing our paths never crossed;
Or praying each day that I didn't turn into a burden in your life;
Or constantly hoping that someone else might waltz into your life
In time to prevent your heart from falling to pieces
At my hands.

Oh,
But I can only continue to wish,
While life unfolds before me,
Reminding me every chance -
That nothing is forever.

Across the room beauty I see
In the eyes of a very young Queen
She wears her crown made of glass,
while shes hiding away in the corner of the class

I wish I could stop the tears not yet seen,
In these eyes of My Queen.
She bends her head in her hands,
to give into the screams coming from deep
within her broken soul

I wish I could catch the tears rolling down her cheak,
hopelessly
Caused by a brake in the heart of a teen.

How dare he say goodbye
Turning his back on the eyes that wants him to stay.
The eyes that will drown if he walks away

The summer comes with storms
And all the world is awash with rage
Awash with fear
Awash with love
The pear blossoms have started to fade from all the rain
Something like this heart
Dying,
but blooming all the while even as it falls
and gets washed away
The world has slowly,
slowly turned its face towards the sun
And I have slowly,
slowly turned my face towards you
One more terrifying thing that I have become enamored with
Like space
Like God
Like everything else grand and beautiful and terrifying
Like the way my heart trembles when you look at me
My pulse has gone to thunder in my ears
There is some violence in this:
that you have struck me,
through the heart,
through the heart.
How ordinary have I become for this infatuation?
Waxing poetic about your eyes
and the way you feel something like a satellite to me
As you un-align the planets
and drift steadily away
So that you may grow
and shake
and die in solitude
Oh, what a dream
To be mourned and free
To become like the stars
To be all alone among a million suns
The rage fills me just like the world
Warms me like you wouldn't
And I have no shame for it-
for my rage
or even my grief
I have created an altar for it inside myself
I have lit candles and laid down flowers in remembrance
of you
and every other celestial body that has died within me
even as you shine
even as you grow
even as you live
White dwarfs,
and supernovae,
and black holes of love
All kept inside this chest;
Inside this heart
My own little universe of lost affections
And I am closer to understanding God than I have ever been;
Closer to understanding why we have all been made to ache
and burn
Closer to understanding that it is easier to hurt and be hurt
than it is to be alone

yes, i do the let phone ring and ring and ring until it stops choking me as your name flickers off the screen
i let your name linger on my lips like some sort of bad dream
i lie awake shedding layers and wanting to scream, do you know how much of me you haven't seen?
do you think of me as you go to sleep?

and maybe i do shine light on things i'd rather keep inside, maybe i dwell on things when they've already been unraveled away. maybe i think too much and fill myself with sad songs and one word answers and pity filled sighs, maybe i act like a child and curl up and hide when things get too wild, and maybe i do lie.

but i miss how your hand felt in mine, i miss talking to you without thinking before every line, i miss how i would associate you with a field of light. but now you make me want to die.

i'll miss you as you were,
but never as you are now.

i hope you learn to grow in yourself,
move yourself around a bit,
fill that obvious pit in your stomach

maybe then you'll have some room left to squeeze me in.

I close my eyes and feel the sun come untucked from the clouds,
bleeding blood orange through my eyelids.

No one really knows you and I the way we know our footsteps,
coming home across wood floors late at night.

The way we used to sit on windowsills,
or crosslegged across from one another on your bed.

Our arms sank into the crevices of one another,
I wanted to feel the weight of you to crush me,
if only just to feel the peace of the street.

you succumb my thoughts
as though my mind is a glass of wine
and you are a flask of poison.

refined beauty turned wild,
like poetry, but too rough around the edges.
eyes like gemstones,
but not pearl,
or ruby,
or emerald,
but dark onyx,
precious only to those seeking the rare,
not the valuable.
but when the surface cracked
where golden sunlight should've shined through,
i found my fists full of broken pottery
instead of your hands.
and when the paint was scraped away,
i realized that you were just a boy
who liked watching sunsets,
not a masterpiece.