You already know the truth. So why do you run from it? What are you trying to make yourself feel? What are you trying to evade?
You know that in your heart of hearts, he doesn't think of you. He doesn't even care. Hell, if he cared, why hasn't he called? Why haven't the two of you had a conversation yet after you stopped initiating contact two months ago? You're so good at synthesizing information, yet what happened to the link between knowing and understanding this situation? What makes it different from her, from all the other times before?
I'm not gonna ask why it all started; you already know the answer. You need to feel whatever you need to feel. But I'm just wondering why you continue to beat yourself up over answers he can't give. Why you interpret his intense stares as moments of epiphany.
You say to yourself, "If we were meant to be, we would've been by now." Can you even comprehend what that means? I'll break it down for you: saying "I'm not ready" literally translates to "I don't think of you that way" in "I-don't-have-the-balls-to-be-honest-with-my-friends"-ese. I know it tears you up inside when you are lied to, no matter how small. Which, in hindsight, is probably why you stayed so angry for so long. That's not your fault and you don't need to know why it happened that way. But you do need to know that unfortunately, it had to happen that way.
finally out of that sunken place.
"Everyday I let go, just a little bit more."
Summer Freewrite Sessions 2018