maxine 20m
i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.
i am well aware the title of this is also the title of a fall out boy song, that was intentional but all credits go to them if that's a thing?
this is about losing my friendship with best friend of two years, it's going to be a long recovery process, sorting through the good, bad, etc...
sorry i've been gone so long, life has been busy, BUT writing is my first love and i think with going through such treacherous heartache i should turn to it rather than bad things. much love xx
as always, i hope someone gets something out of this or even just thinks it's nice.
Sarah 2h
Are you crying right now?

It is a funny thing, how fleeting certain feelings are.
As I am left with your absence, my fingers tremble under the moonlight, trying to grasp what is left of you before the sun rise erases the shadows you left me with.
I wrap my arms around myself to stop the butterflies from flying away, but my love, trying to keep you is like trying to catch clouds.

You are a memory, etched on the back of my mind, floating around me like a thick smother. Oh, how I wish you were.
I urgently attempt to inhale you, my darling. The taste of your lips still linger on my tongue, i am still hanging at your lips, swallowing each and every word you verse into my mouth; i swallow, i swallow. I swallow all the knives you throw, slitting my throat, i become silent. I look up, the moon still shining, I smile; how foolish of me to think I could have want you forever.

There are nights where I shut my eyes, and I see you; eyes darker than hematite, your skin was earth and your smile was sun. I let you become my entire world, my center, my source. I wanted it.

Now that you’re gone, I am struck by what seems to be reality: a life before you, a life after you. You brought color to my world. A shooting star. A wisp of fresh air. A long awaited breath out of water. And now I sink. Every inch of my flesh used to be teeming with life for you. You made roses bloom in my lungs, thorns scraping my insides with every breath I take. Now I walk alone, in the garden you planted for me.

You are the nectar, I am the bee.

Too beautiful, it was painful. Too short, it was beautiful.
Look at this tangle of thorns.
If you ripped my heart out
Right from inside my chest
You'd wonder how I often do
How a heart so shattered and empty
Could feel so heavy.
(Another snippet from the Lyric/Quote Wall.. surprisingly haven't come across the full version of this poem yet but I'm starting to go through another journal document of old work from RH who knows what I'll find.. Happy Writing~BM)
Ezis 4h
Have you ever
experienced something
that has truly
broken your heart?

Something so devastating,
that it breaks
your soul
your heart
your mind

You question
everything you’ve done
to make this happen
but you can’t think
of anything

Over and over
the thoughts tumble
in your mind
the memories
flow from your brain
to your eyes
the pictures hurt
just as much
crisp and clear
they were made to remind you
of the best times
but all they do
is show you what you lost

The dull ache in your
even months after
the defining event
says I miss you
and aches for
the ability to travel back
a year
a few months
any amount of time
that could rewind
the heartache

But time doesn’t act
that way
Neither do I.
Going back
knowing all eyes are
waiting for you
to fuck up

is not friendship
Toasted music notes
Drift away
Slicing the atmospheric pressure
Wallowing in my sorrow
The pure pain
The sting of sweet love
N 5h
While bearing the weather of a storm, you don't consider the aftermath; you don't consider the damage that's being done. In that moment, all you can do is brace yourself. You hide, tuck your head between your knees, close your eyes and try to convince yourself it isn't happening. The ground shakes, the wind whistles through the cracks of the doors and it feels like the world may fall from beneath you, but you bear it. And then, after what feels like a piece of forever, the wind settles, the rain stops and you can breath easy. You survived. For a while, you think its over. The calm is a silent whisper convincing you that you'll be okay. You think all is passed. Until you look up, step outside your home and see the damage that's been done. The gardens that have been destroyed by fallen trees, the broken windows of the house down the street, the flood of water from the rain that swallows everything in its way. That's when you realize; the worst part has only just begun.

Losing you was the storm. It was slow at first, then it progressed as time went by and became aggressive...angry. It was loud, it came too many words that should have remained unsaid to save ourselves from the damage. But you see, you didn't consider the aftermath of breaking me. You didn't care enough to spare me the pain of forgetting every promise you ever made me; telling me things that to this day create thunder in the back of my mind of the sunniest of days. I braced myself, convinced myself we could survive this. I convinced myself that your anger was a cloud that needed to release its rain. And rain it did. But its been days since it stopped raining and I'm still coughing up water from the flood you left behind.
Just when I thought we were in this together, you couldn't handle the changing weather and I'm here in a pile of broken branches with bruised feet and bloody knees wondering how I could have avoided this. What happens when the one thing you try to protect is destroyed? What happens when it's my heart?

How do you fix the aftermath of a storm when its somewhere your hands cant reach?
The first person we love,
is often the person that
shows us pain.
A year ago today,
I would’ve cried at the thought,
Of us parting ways,
A feeling never sought.

But I look back at those photos of you and I,
And I know it’s over this time,
Because I no longer feel the way I used to,
It almost feels like a crime.

To let go of one so close to your heart,
And to let your love stray,
Who would’ve thought it would end like this,
A year ago today.
March 9th, 2017
Did you leave because
I was too much to handle?

Did I toss you too many
balls to juggle?
Loving the wrong person
can be poisonous.
And I drank every drop.
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