My angel,
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing… my heart still feels you near me…
Your beautiful eyes,
Bewitching face,
Your... that… heavenly hair,
Your ingenious walk, your sugary talk, your life-stopping smile, your melodious anger,
You are beautiful in everything you do and everything that you are…
My sweet angel of pain and resurrection,
You have made me surrender my heart, soul and life at your tender feet…
This silence from you kills me
Torments me day and night
With tears of agony, I smile before everyone
Hiding that crushing feeling your silence gives me…
I yearn every second to be yours… only yours…
My sweet angel of love and hate,
Where are you now?
Your warmth is what my body seeks,
My souls searches….
I love you to every eternity I take and more than that.
First you will cry.
You will feel every emotion that you've ever felt being washed down the drain
and you will taste the sour, bittersweet heaviness of sobbing at 4:38 AM on your lips
and you will scream so quietly it will be a whisper to others but a clap of thunder inside you
and your lungs will stop working
and your ribs will feel as if they were collapsing
and you will not be able to walk the next day because you will feel as heavy as a truck full of rocks.
Next you will be silent.
You won't speak,
you won't nod your head,
you won't smile,
you won't write,
you won't move.
You will suddenly be able to feel your bones and stomach caving inwards inside of you
and your skeleton will become so thick with the secret carvings in your skin that it will become a labyrinth that even you will not dare to explore
and the world will continue to spin, everything will go on,
and you will just stay numb to keep yourself from falling apart.
Then you will hate them.
You will curse every single person that pushed you to talk to them,
you will rant about how terrible they are
and how fucked up your love in the first place
and that it hadn't meant anything
and you will say they were just another burning star in the sky,
you will say that their light has started to fade,
you will say they never cared about anything,
you will say that it didn't matter,
and you will yell until your voice is raw and your throat is hurting
and you will go to bed silently wishing that the tears on your cheeks would stop pouring
and you will feel your inner self loathing at the core of chest for being so stupid, for caring in the first place, for being pathetic enough to keep all their things.
Then they will call.
They will make you question every single thought you've ever had,
every damn moral that you had created for yourself
and they will tear down your walls with an ax made out of love and nostalgia
and they will say that leaving was a mistake
and they will make you remember memories you had blocked out.
The old conversations have been deleted, all the photos no longer on your phone.
You will still cry at night sometimes
but your heart will become a boat sailing on rocky waters
but you will be okay.
The world will finally come to you on a cold Tuesday morning.
You will go home
and they will not call you
and you will not care.
This means that your lungs still work
and your ribs are in the right place
and you will go to sleep that night with the taste of happiness on the tip of your tongue.
In that moment
you will feel better than you have in months
and you will realize that you are okay,
your boat will not sink,
the storm is over,
the aftermath has passed
and you will be okay.
It's been three years
And nothing had changed
I still love you
Stupid girl that I am
Damn it
well, im back
not on good terms, really.
this has been a week from hell- start to finish
i want to think this is temporary, you and i.
we talked about forever like it rolled off our tongue like spit
we planned next year -
we had all of it planned.
of course, that didn't last. this is, temporary right?
countless hours spent on your couch at night
searching for places to be free
and run away to
i wouldn't just say that to just anyone, michael
you are going to be the first one i have really
cried over and cried into my moms arms for
everything feels like pins and needles
every time we fought i felt daggers shoot through my heart and begged for the pain to eventually numb out
what the fuck did it matter? this is what love is right?
love is when you stick through everything through thick and thin.
love is giving every last bite of your food you have left, even if it was the first thing you ate all day after a long shift.
love is rolling through the punches when you see a light at the end - but what is love when you run away when help is available?
i hope and pray this is a nightmare and I wake up soon,
because another minute without you hurts as much as the first minute.
When I looked at you I felt everything. All of the colors and feelings that I didn't know I had. Four shades of sadness, two shades of anger, but an abundance of happiness. No, not happiness. Adventure. In you there was everything that excited me, yet nothing of what I needed. Just a wide array of shapes that were never actually defined, that never actually fit together. There was never a clear picture with you, never certainty. And maybe that's what made the painting of you so beautiful, nothing was set in place, always moving , always changing. Always fluid; never solid. By that I mean thrilling. You were a kaleidoscope and every time I looked through you, you changed. Quickly and suddenly. I knew trusting you was like trusting in a optical instrument, but I did it anyways. At the end of us when the colors became dull and the shapes changed slowly, you gave me a look I will never forget. It was the same look a boy gave me in 9th grade biology. We had been looking through a microscope at slides of different organisms the whole class period. We were describing them and drawing them and after a while he looked at me and said "you know, I really don't care to look through this thing anymore. I'm really bored with it". He looked at me disappointed. It's a microscope's job to zoom in on the big picture, to look closer and define; to shape. When I looked at you, I felt everything. But when you looked at me, you felt bored. I remember once you told me I make a really big thing out of small things. I remember once I called you a kaleidoscope and in response you called me a microscope.
It's a good thing I guess
Now you can focus on yourself
You probably deserve to be treated better
You guys weren't meant to be together
That's what I hear when they notice the sad gloomy face I wear.
I guess a heartbreak gives you a certain kind of look. Your face is colored by pain and regrets, regardless of how hard you try to hide it. People would still notice. But why wouldn't they?
When your happiness is gone. The real reason for why your face is always lit. A message from that special person sends your heart beating twice as fast. It's that adrenaline rush you get from getting to see their glorious smile outshining the sun on the brightest of days. The warmth feel of their hands wrapped around you in a hug, that feeling of knowing there's nowhere else you'd rather be than with them at that present moment. But when all of this is gone, there would be a new tone to your face, a new look….that makes people know something is right.
I wear a smile to disguise my look, I smile as often as I can. I tend to push thoughts of you out of my mind knowingly. It's the only thing I can do if I'm to wear my new look without people knowing what's up. I miss you a whole lot. But now it wouldn't show on my face anymore. And if I'm to meet you again?...you would be greeted with my new look and I'll hope you like it.
I pulled myself out of his bed
Still smelling like sex
With heavy eyes and slow movements
Putting on layer after layer
Tights socks jeans sweater
Past 2 a night in December
Knowing I have to bike home
To sleep In my own bed
And not in his
Like I have many nights before
Where my hands crack and turn bright red
And my face freezes
Before I head out the door
We stop and sit
On the tan couch
Sitting across from each other
Words he had said before
Still in my own head
What are we even doing?
I need to be finding someone to settle down with.
I can’t do this sort of thing.
This is a little too comfortable isn’t it?
I looked down at the floor.
I am too likely to cry.
In my strongest voice I say
Well I guess This doesn’t really matter
We will both be lonely and sad even if we don’t see each other
I keep my eyes on the floor
In the long silence
feeling own words hang tight in the air
Is that how you really see this?
We meet eyes
tears pooled in his
and mine
600 days have passed
I cannot remember how I got out of the door that night
And I cant remember any more words spoken
Is it possible that all that followed was silence
But I remember crying outside
On the steps to his apartment
The air burning my throat
And I swear my tears could have frozen on my face
When I rode home
I felt more numb than I felt pain
And the next day I overslept
We would see each other again
After that night
Letting two weeks pass
But we were kidding ourselves
Because that night
I am sure was the night that it really came to an end
He said
"Your heart is like stone,
Near the river's shore.
Can only be removed from space"
How in world wonder's
Can the truth be fully told
That it was not her fault
Demons from hell
Came and went
Facing them alone
How on Earth can she say
I'm untouched at all
Demons took her soul
Left the rock all alone
How tough it is
To face all fears alone
Daily there was someone
Seeing the for his own
Nor did they had the right
Nor they had feeling at all
She was stuck upon the mast
On one to help her show greens
And she roamed in dark
Stuck there for all she had
Hope
One by one
People came to help
But what did they want most
She tried and tried them all
And you were the right one
From them all
Now you ask me
Would leaving me
Would break the stone
Dying is better than it
Here I go
So you can weep alone
I write poetry to have proof of the past,
To create action towards the unchangable,
To keep the past alive when it needed
To die.
The constant wonder
of how things would've been if you didn't need to go away
The permanent reminder
of how things happened that led us to part ways
The never ending regrets
Of what I should've done
But now, we're all done
And the only option that was left, is to forget