m j g 22h

how vigorously you tear me apart, how sweetly you mold me back together. you don’t see me as i wish you would. i imagine you feel the same. i feel as if you always look at me from a distance. i am so small compared to the rest of the universe. i question whether i will ever be good enough. i once dreamt of a night spent alone in your room, enveloped in each other, absorbing all that we can of each other. i look up and hope you’re staring back but i just see the back of your head. the sky was grey that night.

m j g 22h

when i first kissed you the whole universe around us ceased to exist. all i knew was you. all i felt was you, your hands running under my shirt, up my thighs, around my hips. all i tasted were your lips; all i smelled was your skin, that cheap cologne i couldn't get enough of. i didn't want it to happen this way. i didn't want to fall for someone who only loved the skin i was in. i want to shed my skin like a snake and emerge as a new person. i want to be unrecognized by you in a new beauty. i want you to be mesmerized by the new person i've become. i want another chance for you to fall for me, too. i want you to care. but i've stopped. i've stopped caring about the amount of times i go to your house, the amount of time we spend in your bed, the money on train tickets from my house to yours and back. i don't care if we're caught. i don't care if we're not. nothing matters because this doesn't matter.

m j g 23h

i feel like a part of my life is missing without you by my side. when my heart felt like it was made of iron and when my mind was a tangled ball of yarn i went to you, you were my fucking muse and my inspiration to keep myself going and when we ended nothing ever felt right again, nothing sits right in my heart, i feel like the pieces are trying to fit together but there's always one part missing and that part is you. i always thought we had the purest form of friendship, it was past the point of being best friends, we were just the same person. we never had secrets, there wasn't really anything we couldn't tell each other. i fucking miss you. maybe this is what being in love is. i used to think people were supposed to make you grow as a person, not complete you, especially the people you fall in love with, but fuck, losing you made me rethink that entire theory. i don't feel complete anymore. the most important person in my life left and i feel like my batteries have run dry. you left and it feels like parts of me are gone, dissolved away in the fluidity of your departure. this is love. the people you fall in love with complete you. you can find different people to complete you, but no two will ever fill in the same missing pieces. you knew exactly where i was sad and you healed me. you filled in the blanks where i couldn't myself. it's been a year and i haven't stopped feeling incomplete.

Amber is the color of your energy,
I know I understand you,
bonded from paternal love, so naturally,
A soft melody, Your reasons, a lot of,
times you learned, fueled by experience,
your guidance for me, it's furious,

You're gone now, with a part of me
We can't find common ground,
we agree to burn it down,
We play it like a game,
Too late, we realize that's lame,

the needing in our compass is trembling,
your words hurt, an eminent sting,
Now I see all the futility,
of resisting all these jaded realities,

Don't burn what can't be rebuilt,
your mind is a million miles away,
your heart in the same place,
fix the day, before you separate,

Now I've hit the ground running,
these lessons I find so cunning,
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin,
The water is getting warm, go ahead, swim,

I miss you dad, and this is how I say
goodbye, I know you cannot stay,
The years start coming, and they don't stop,
Anxiety's the worry on top,
I know I let you down,
but I'm just a slave to the night,

I know I gave you hell through the years,
I know you've shed countless tears,
and I know you have countless tears.

But now there's a single truth.
There's you in everything I do,

dad, miss, you, miss you, Matthew, T.S., Rousseau, Matthew T.S. Rousseau, sad, loss, death, passing, mourning,

I don't know why I miss you so much
for you always seemed to make me sad.
Yet I ache to feel the warmth of your touch
and I long for the love we once had.

I miss the taste of your soft, sweet kiss,
and feeling your lips touching mine.
I have never known desire like this,
so raw, so deep, so divine.

I miss your fingers, how they would tease,
and your strong arms, holding me tight.
I miss how you always aimed to please
on those many 'a sleepless night.

I miss how your eyes touched my soul,
how your smile melted my heart.
Without you, dear, I'm half of a whole,
and inside, I'm falling apart.

I miss the smell, so uniquely your own
that is now just a faded memory.
I miss the affection that once was shown,
I miss loving you, loving me.

I miss hearing your voice speak my name,
and the soothing, comfort it brought.
I wonder....sometimes, do you feel the same?
Or am I just a passing thought?

I miss what was my very best friend,
my partner in crime & lover, too.
And although our story has come to an end,
I can't help but still miss you...

Another oldie, but I've always really liked it. Hopefully you did too!
A H J 5d

Every midnight
I close my eyes to see you smiling
But you were on top of clouds
And all surrounded by hazy blues,

I become a cloud chaser
But the wind blew you away
As I reach for the sky
I touched your soft grasp.

But you were never in my morning
every time I wake to a nightmare.
Every day, I fail to see you,
even up the sky.

written 3/3/17

Sometimes, you make me fightin' mad
Sometimes, you make me overwhelmed with grief
Sometimes, you make me feel numb

You leave ringing in my ears
You leave tears in my eyes
You leave me singing somber low tunes

I ask you not to take away everything, and everyone I love
But you ostensibly laugh at me and do it anyway
When you're around, the rain seems to drone on

You loom around the corner, whether it's a drunken driver, a horrid disease, or a poisoned mind

Oh death, you've struck again

This is for my uncle, who has passed away tonight. I hope he's in Heaven and I believe he is. My poor mother, please pray for my uncle and his family. <5.19.17>
chris May 18

cause i always think about you

Aurelia May 15

I am here in my seat
Thinking about how time flees
Thank u god for this dream
In which there is only happy breeze
Let this time pass
Let it pass with ease
You have given me strength
And you have given me weakness
But for both are my coolness
keep them in my eyes so
I can see them and see them for me
Let this light stay
Let this smile stay
Stay with me , Sway with me
With me , My family , My only

I hope sometimes if a moment could never end
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