Irlomak 7m
we met unexpectedly
not hoping for anything vast
just the usual friendship
but we accidentally crossed the line
even though another already
grabbed your attention and affection
you still came to me,
surprisingly, you've let me mark you
why did you do that?
why did you ask for it?
and why did i give in?
i was the one who marked you yet
it feels like the opposite
the taste of your skin
still attached to my lips
your skin marked my lips
the sound of your moans
still ringing melodically into my ears
and the caress of your lips against mine, god, the things i'd do just to feel it again, one last time
because more than a month has passed,
and here i am
still foolishly thinking of you
when you probably threw me out of your mind a long time ago
do i need help? no.
i miss you more than you will ever know. you're the one who proved to me how much i can badly miss a person.
but i think this is where i draw the line for i can only do nothing but miss you.
the time wasn't in our favor when we met and all i wish for is,
one day, if our paths ever cross each other again, it will give us a chance. the chance that i would take without any hesitation.
until then, i will remove you out of my mind. i will stop looking left and right for your familiar sight. i will know nothing of you, but do know that my heart will always recognize you.
Made: 22/09/2017
skyler 4h
walking away from you
is the hardest thing i've ever had to do
but i need to fix myself
and i spend to much time fixing you

Just like a character named Rip Van Winkle
He became a star that would twinkle, twinkle
with all my heart I miss him so

I yearn with every passing moment
and every fiber of my being to awaken him though

Yes, though I fear he badly needs his rest
So he can pass the next test
Amanda 12h
I miss you even though you are here
Miss you not by name
By how my feelings really are
We both know it is not the same

A week can last an eternity
When there is love set in my heart
Forces on the outside
Determined to keep us apart

I miss you even though you are here
Sitting down next to me
I do not miss you at all
I miss how things used to be
Another oldie
I know a boy, he holds in a lot
He tells me he's fine, but i know he’s not
He says he’s okay, and hides behind a smile
But i know whats wrong, and it's been going on for a while

Once he opened up, told it all to me
We were both still awake, when the clock turned three
Here on the earth, he doesn’t want to live
But i tell him no, he has so much to give

It kills me inside, to know why he hurts,
He’s always neglected, and left in the dirt
The reason he hurts, is not what you think
He’s in pain all the time, his feelings on brink

On brink of explosion, to hurt him for good
I tell him to stop, but he thinks that he should
Should hurt himself, do something he’ll regret
And if the day comes, i'll never forget

Never forget the boy who holds in a lot,
Who tells me he's fine, but i know he's not
Nothing to be ashamed of, just a chemical imbalance
And it really shouldn't stop him, from expressing his talents

All the horrible thoughts, swarming in his head
He can't get them out, so he ignores it instead
Shuts out all the thoughts, the people, the feelings
And it doesn't do much, just stops him from healing

Then one night when we lay under the same stars
He rolled up his sleeves, and showed me his scars
I didn't know what to say, no idea what to do
So i rolled up my sleeves and showed him mine too

but why did you ruin, such a beautiful boy
why did you put him here, if all you do to him is destroy
destroy his feelings, control his thoughts and his mind
take everything and leave nothing behind

hes not the same as he was, and he never will be
you’ve ruined him for everyone, and he can never truly be free
he was so kind before, would never hurt a soul
but now he’s bitter, and it's because of your control

why do you ruin, the most promising ones,
the ones who can't overcome you, do you do it for fun
depression. why did you do this to him
i hate you so much, i don't know where to begin

so i know a boy, but hes not the same anymore
he still tells me hes okay, just like before
the only difference from then, is i don't know what to do
i truly don't think i can help him, but someone has to.
I walked passed the park today
You where between the trees as they sway
It was a day dream, my imagination
A tear shed in my eye to this realization

This whole town now tainted
Memories of you everywhere, all dated
Home now feels hollow missing you
I have to leave to somewhere new

I have to find home again
I have to find you
It's you, it's meant to be you, it will always be you
Smoke filling the air
Sprinkler in the summer
It looks just like fall
I didn't know much much I missed the autumn rain
before the pavement was wet
and the world was dim
I feel your absence like the sound machine in my therapists office. It sounds like static, white noise, I know it’s only there to distract me from what the person inside her room is discussing.
An elderly woman walks out and folds the blanket she has wrapped around her body and places it gently on the ground. She is laughing to herself lightly. I wonder why she sees my therapist.
I clutch the tissues in my hand and look at the floor. I don’t want her to look at me. I smell like patchouli because of this stress relief spray I found sitting in the waiting room that I decided to spray all over my skin. I want to open up the bottle and drink it. At this point, I want relief almost more than I want you.
I hear her typing on her computer and wonder how long it’ll take for her to open the door and tell me to lay on her couch. I haven’t seen her in a few months and I wonder if it’ll be awkward, but my senses are on overdrive so I’m sure I’ll just end up crying.
There’s a circular table with six different teas, coffees, Emergen-C’s and a jar of honey sitting directly in front of me and a box of affirmations to my left. I shake my foot because I can’t sit still. I shake my foot because the sound machine is giving me anxiety. I shake my foot because I’m in a bad spot, again. I don’t know who I am, why I’m here, or who I’ll become. I miss you.
You made me feel grounded and I know you felt the same from me. I loved that feeling, you hated it. I need that feeling, you try your best to push it away.
I don’t feel like I’m panicking, or anxious, I only feel sad. I want your skinny little lips on my neck and I want to feel safe in your bedroom. I imagine what you and her are talking about in those green text messages and my stomach goes into a knot. It’s gotta be something surface level.  Disgustingly surface level, the kind of small talk that makes me puke. Small talk is comfortable to you.
The analog clock ticks loudly and I wonder if she’s doing it on purpose. I want her to open the door fifteen minutes early and allow me to start crying sooner, I feel these tears deep inside my chest and I don’t want to stuff them down. But I’m going to, outside in the real world.
I wonder when we are going to talk again and I have to acknowledge that it isn’t up to me. Most things aren’t. I wish I had more respect for myself so I could hate you for what you’ve done to me but I’ll just call myself overly empathetic and understand your actions instead. That hurts, you know, always trying to find the good in people. It hurts because sometimes there isn’t any good, but I am still here searching. I hope there’s more good because I want to go to the pumpkin patch and make out in the corn field again but you want to do whatever you want, whenever you want it and I’m only an after thought. I wish I was whatever you wanted.
I still have twelve minutes until she opens the door. I want to have a therapy appointment three times a week, I want to have a therapist who tells me what to do. I want the love of my life to not hurt me so bad, I want to be loved gently. Kindly. Carefully.
There’s a difference between want and need and gentleness was never something I put on my to do list. Instead I wrote independent, tough, hard to love, detached. I wrote difficult, stubborn, distant. I wrote down every single bad quality you have and decided to love it more, decided it made you YOU, decided I could walk through the mud as long as I got to lay on the beach the next day.
It’s been a full week since I last slept at your house. We’ve talked everyday but it has felt like the static the noise machine is making. I still have nine minutes until she’ll open the door. I still have days on weeks on months until you’ll consider opening yours up one more time.
You did this, but I’m here hurting. This isn’t what I asked for, I did everything right. I don’t have as many tears left as I thought I did. I’m going to go to the gym and lay in a park and try to push off feeling sorry for myself until I have no other choice. I want to push away all these feelings, maybe it’ll lessen them. Maybe the wound is still open and blistering and I just keep pouring patchouli stress relief spray right inside it. Patchouli is your favorite scent. One time you told me you were only tobacco and patchouli and you bought me a candle with that scent for Christmas. You’re the opposite of stress relief.
I miss you, but I know not speaking to you for a little while is going to help me. I don’t like talking to you when I can’t call you mine. I don’t like the way it feels to kiss your small lips and feel your jaw tighten. You hugged me so tight and I took one more step and leaned in. You said goodbye, and I said that was a mistake, I shouldn’t have done that, and walked hurriedly to my car.
sage 4d
the stars slip through my hands like a sieve
saying you can’t love someone is hard to believe
fucking another guy while i’m lost in your dreams
i don't miss you like you think i do
i guess the ends justify the means
idk haha
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