you're out in the world
living life how life should be,
a holy matrimony between happiness and
the desire to see another sunrise
you look like the sunrise
you feel like the sun glowing on skin on a cool afternoon
you sound like the happiest melody the birds can come up with
you make me feel... warm.
but alas that warmth always fades someday
my body is used to taking the sun's rays and turning them into sheets of ice on my skin, forever wanting me to wreath it a pitiful shiver
you're living in the ways of those who think that golden is eternal
and while you're out there, i'm here
writing shitty poems about how my mind likes to take everything good that happens and destroy it because it thinks i don't deserve it
i hope i don't destroy the sunrise, but the sun always sets right?
I prefer to be alone,
In the cold darkness of my dwelling.
The only secrets I keep are my own
For the reason that no one needs to know.
You must be careful around me,
For in a second I could snap and bite you.
The serpent in my mind lurks inside of yours
And watches the movements your body tells me.
I am wise, but you would never guess that
Because I hide it with my laughs and smiles.
I know things that you are too afraid to spit out.
You call me a snake, for that is what I am.
I will not change myself to please you.
If you don't like the quiet and unpredictable part of me,
You do not need to stay in my presence.
The snake inside does not exist to protect your feelings but rather,
It protects mine and allows me to know things I would not know without it.
i need a way,
giving up tonight.
i need a way,
that i ,
a sense of peace of mind.
dying from inside.
i want a place,
and your heart,
are far too close to mine.
you need to run,
far away from me.
do this just for me.
i need a place,
can dream of you tonight.
don't beg me to stay.
i'm not waking up this time.
-.. . .- -.. / -.. .-. . .- --
the truth is im tired and the truth is youre tired too and the truth is im broken and the truth is you didn't break me. i broke myself with nights of screaming into my pillow and crying on the bare tile of my shower until there was nothing left. i broke myself with nights of no sleeping and days of no thinking. i let myself fall so far for you i wasnt able to make myself drag myself back up. and it wasnt you it was me who tore my heart. i fed it tears and cut it with a knife until it lay there limply empty. and i know this but i cant help but blame you and i cant help but hate myself for it. and i know i feel caged and i know i should want to fly away but i know i dont. i crave the pain i stick to myself. i love the rhythm of my empty life and everyday i need the grounding that comes with the pain and the tears. and youre a closed door and i cant find the fucking key and im a broken window with no glass left to block unforced entry and i want everyone to step over me and give me attention and i tell myself i hate the whispers and the looks but it just keeps me going. and i cant stop writing thinking it will take the hurt part of me away but it only pokes at it but i love the words and i love the waves and the wind that comes with the words and the feelings and the blood. i say my life is a tragedy but im the tragedy and im the one killing myself and im the one ruining myself. and the truth is i cant stop myself.
have you ever put yourself in the middle of a toxic relationship?
what a curious question to ask,
probably not, no, no.
because you love yourself,
or at least, have the basic instincts
or maybe you're equipped to handle these things
well, i wasn't.
being in the middle of a toxic relationship,
things tend to be warped.
you aren't dealing with an unstoppable force
and an immovable object
but rather, two immovable objects
and two unstoppable forces
you're usually forced to pick a side
no matter how adamant you are about
how there is no "side", i tell them,
i tell them,
there is you, and there is you, and there is me,
and you've brought me here to help
not to harm
and the weird notion that there ever was a "side"
in something that is supposed to be a relationship,
is nothing but harmful,
but, this does little to nothing,
because in the middle of a toxic relationship,
the two are worn down,
stripped bare until you have their most inner instincts
their most inner thoughts,
their inner child,
and we all know
a child doesn't listen
in the middle of a toxic relationship,
the only thing they can seem to agree on
is when i'm wrong, when i've done bad,
when i'm in the wrong
but when you've been in the middle of a toxic relationship
for long enough,
it eventually wears you down, to the point where you're patience is gone,
and eventually, you're forced to choose a side
when you're in a toxic relationship,
is to run.