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I live alone, I live a lie
Awaiting the day I say goodbye
Whenever I turn around disaster strikes,
Pins and needles, knives and spikes.

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse
I’m smacked in the face with this curse
Whirled around till I’m miserable once more,
Shaken until my body collapses on the floor.

In my room I can escape
And mold my worries into shape
I cry in pain until I just can’t any more
And listen to music to ease the sore.

Knowing it will all come back again
Sunshine pierced by pouring rain
Like tears of sadness splashing down on joy
Emotions are unpredictable as a toy.

At its mercy like a puppet on a string
A trapped dove without wings
On my head, always alone
Maybe one day I can fly home.
Fly high looking down on this pain,
Maybe one day I’ll be happy again.
I used to think the world was fair and that life works itself out
But now I’m confused and my heart’s filled with doubt,
The threads of this dream are starting to unwind
I’ve come to learn the world is unjust and fate is unkind.

I always thought you were real but my perception was blind
Your blurring my vision and playing with my mind,
Slowly like the sands of time you’re ripping away at my soul
You’ve taken all I have, all that makes me whole,
Driving myself crazy trying to fill that empty void
But I can’t pull it together, my confidence you’ve destroyed,
You’ve taken my happiness and replaced it with hate
So much hatred and anger I just can’t take,
You’ve poisoned me enough, I’ll break down and cry
But never will I give up, no I will not die.

You will not take me down, you will not conquer me tonight
I will not lay down in my grave I’ll stand up and fight,
I maybe bleeding but take off that smile if you think you’ve won
A knife through my heart is nothing, the battle’s just begun.

There is warrior inside that you failed to see
A strength you missed while you were judging me,
She will not give up as easy as you think
I’m drowning in depression but she will not sink,
Through all the pain and criticism she will stand tall
When pushed passed the limit she will not fall,
I will take whatever you give to me
And with god by my side I will be free.

I won’t bow down to you and just take the abuse
You can’t break my faith, don’t try there’s no use,
So you can turn that smile into a frown
Because this is one girl that just won’t go down
Bury me like any other
Bury me like I have no mother.
Bury me an urchin that has no father
Bury me a drowned soul, a fish out of water.

Bury me indifferent to the pain
Bury me amidst the pouring rain,
Bury me pure & innocent
Bury me worthless, I’m not worth a cent.

Bury me taking all I could
Bury me hopeless and misunderstood,
Bury me with blood that smells sweet
Bury me and put my soul to sleep.

But bury me in my own fuckin pain and misery
And bury me a stranger because you never knew me!
Foot meets the metal of a cold shovel
with a sun beaming down
booted foot pushes the spade
into the soft and rooty ground

one mound of dirt
sweat forms above the brow
two mounds of dirt
salty bead slithers down
three mounds of dirt
tuned into the sounds
four mounds of dirt
birds chirp all around

stopped by a thick root
extra force must be used
give that shovel a pogo of boots
and we are at the fifth mound

six and seven are easy
as the hole starts to round
eight nine ten eleven twelve
a tomb has been found

carried your sheet covered corpse
laid you in the hole
cover you with what was uncovered
creating a man made knoll

Six years of memories
laid underneath this red dirt
many years missing
that time gone subvert
You get the shovel
I’ll dig the hole
we’ll bury her together
off to heaven I suppose
or wherever dogs go
you go and grieve
I’ll let the little one know
in a little bit
just expect company
RIP June 9/19/2018
no I never died no
I was never born no I
never developed no I
never swallowed nothing
I'm not alone I'm not the only one in my
many millions of eyes and deaths
I am the whole world and even the future and
the past has never been in the world
everything was only and only once
once and only just now
all that was the sixteenth century
seventeenth eighteenth and now
and now it's all in one moment
all in a jiffy just now was not
I have a birth and I did not have death
will not be tomorrow and will not be yesterday and was not
tomorrow and there was never and never before

no I never died no
I've never been born no I never
I did not feel nowhere to feel
go after all this whole world of
an unfavorable corner and place
every girl and every man of every character
every word every poem every torch every love
every eye and every color every moon and sun every
clouds all this all this all
this all this is me and only
only and only and only and only
and only me and I and I and I
every time every time every artist
and every composer
every poet every deceased every newborn is all equal
they were never and never were born there was no being
being has always been and is all this
I all this I all this is me

19.09.18
CGW 9h
Down inside of me something untouchable preludes my grace.
Leaves falling down like Chopin's Nocturne op.9 No. 2.
Through the looking glass a sail boat touches your watery eyes.
Standing by you.
Life is in the vine.
Hues of darkness against the light.
A thousand lifetimes in the flash of your smile.
Swan flight in the open field.
Breathe in and breathe out.
The softness your smile against the cold ice of death.
How does beauty and grace carry on even after death.
Up above in the clouds,
floating down down a creek
till the tree of knowledge is reached.
The tree of all life.
That which yields the ability to choose.
Heera 12h
If you are still up there,
Somewhere
Trying to watch out for me
Among millions of sufferers
My prayer, as a believer,
Even As a kid
Was never of wealth
Health
Or
Materialistic joy
I knew i could get them
I only asked for your togetherness in it all.
And one more thing my heart desired
Was the touch of true love
The way it feels true
Someone who would put with me
Through it all
But i guess even to ask that
Was too much
In this cursed world,
No one has time for others.

I have a different plea this time
So for one time,
Listen to me
To every word i say
I have always believed when  a theist turns atheist
The universe conspires to make their believe, right.
I wonder,just because i was loosing all hope
You played this cruel joke on me?
That i became indifferent,
You started reminding me
That
It isn't me who holds the ties in hands
And
My control are mere illusion?
If this is some sick joke like that
Pardon me,
I'm furious at you.
I know you have lot of them out there
Worshipping you crazily
Why would you even listen to me?
You should.
Because  i'm the weirdo
Who took you as a friend
Who didn't ask for much but love
Who was mad at you
And tested you, for a change
I never really lost hope
Up until now
Now too this stupid heart believes you would help this tormented soul.
I don't know if you are listening,
If you are
For one and a last time
Heed my plea
Unlike those humans of yours
Please let me be free
For once and all
Let me sleep
Into a peaceful death
I don't ask for love anymore
Not even my beloved
Just death.
h m w 12h
You are a memory.
Soon we all will be too.
We are running on a thin timeline
Of brokenness and raw emotion.
You ask me, ‘are you okay?’
And I can’t say shit because it’s too hard on my voice ,
And too hard on my mind to figure out what these feelings are.
When I wake up nothing feels right,
My heart feels a certain way I can’t explain,
It’s too much.
I count,
One.
Two.
Three.
Breathe.
Because my therapist tells me that taking deep breaths lessens the anxiety
Of everyday life
Because everyday life
Is too much for my mind to handle.
My body keeps telling me ‘stop.’
Because physically I crave dangers.
I can’t relapse,
I can’t quit this,
But then again you quit me.
So what’s the issue if I quit me too.
I looked in the mirror this morning when I woke up
And I couldn’t stop,
I couldn’t stop the crying,
The racing heart,
The hate,
The pain.
We all get through and go through shit,
We all have different techniques of making the hurt,
Hurt less.
I can not be fixed,
I am sorry for being me.
I am lost,
A void of emptiness.
Absent of emotion and love,
Thanks to you,
I’m  just a memory now too.

hmw
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