I am the **** you do not notice
next to the saccharine flower
the one that silently grows
in the others shadow
the one that spreads itself out
and declares its space on the earth
while others are preoccupied watching the ephemeral flower bloom
It’s so loud out here
my edges curl
and shrivel inward until I am
the thick bones of my neck collapse
weary from holding up a head
that wants to bow over in despair
but there is a tug
on my heartstrings
and it leads me to the surface
where all the wars are fought
“this is not where you belong”
and takes my hand
to guide me under again
“here, where roots are deep, this is the refuge you seek.”
it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
I stood under the sun,
and for a fleeting moment I saw
death’s shadow aligning with mine
I can’t explain the feeling
I can’t pen what I am thinking
It’s to hard to explain
It’s not a pain
But I have this aching
Happiness is what I’m faking
I was told this is called loneliness
And others describe it as an emptiness
But in truth it cannot be told
It is only a feeling one must hold
For how long is unknown
And it will last for as long as I am alone
It’s sparked by thoughts
When reading Shakespeare plots
For it makes me wish I had a companion
Who I would never abandon
But I will never know
For on it’s own love doesn’t grow
And it also can only be experienced
Which I will only ever see, for I am distanced
Sorry to bring down those who have love
But this is to relate to those who have none to speak of
And with that I am back to the beginning
There is no real way expressing this feeling
feelings are felt and only partly expressed...
I did my best
I gave you a gun.
pressed it to my heart.
You held the trigger
to what was mine.
It should nt be surprising
that i got shot.
Rather hilarious all that was
I m delirious for thinking otherwise.
got hurt, rather surprised that i m not surprised
Piercing molten holes through garded hearts
The causality of your fancies rip through innocence with effortless charm.
Another pair of ******* drop to the floor
Another set of mounds
aching pinnacles begging
for the breath of a touch.
Sharp eyes survey endless pain,
but you don't want to heal
You want your name screamed in vain.
I'm good now and I'll be ******
If I let you in again
The flicker was enough
I know you saw it
Walking on by as if it didn't mean a thing
And each time I ******* over
I know you'll hope I'll steal away to cry
******* and those graceless eyes,
You played games
You told lies
You crush beauty
Didn't we almost have it all?
Shouldn't of asked to see my love in measures of pain.
You played my crazy for sane
You shouldn't have said you loved me
When all I wanted was a ****,
I die again and again in those eyes
Each time in vain.
What the eyes can't see the heart can...
i once heard someone say
that souls were created
in two parts,
destined to spend their lifetime
searching the ends of the earth
for their missing half.
now i know,
that you were mine.
even now you are gone
and my weary bones
ache for you with each breath
all i can think
is how lucky i am
to have found and loved you
more intensely than the sun
burns in the heavens,
than never at all.
- you will be mine forever, the void never fills.
The sweetness of this poison
offers its condolences.
What it doesn't known is
its strength is
what I ached
not its pity.
just trying to deal with some things
sitting here at 3am
hunched by the sink
lost in my thoughts
tossing, turning all night long
my head, my heart, it's all a mess
my body is aching
my heart is drowning
my stomach is churning
an emotional fever
spreading like wildfire
i am a mess
i need the moon
but it has been cloudy
not an ounce of moonlight
i miss the silver shine
i need a dose, soon
i can't breathe...
i should sleep.
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 25 Jan. 2019
i wrote this in my notebook while i was crying so just for reference, my spelling in the original was horrible, hence the sentence in the poem.