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a television interview, Oct. 2018


~for all of us, forever~


<•>

**** you old man
you trying to make us all look bad?
guess you’re just another ‘miner for a thousand years’
or more,
cause we haven’t seen a reason why the vein should run dry,
for the stolid earth resupplies endless old metal and the liquid veins
supply the need, the urgency of a warm gun of composition,
a drug nonpareil

and the things that provoke,
still provoke once more and again,
love and need, even memories,
petri dish cell regrown,
breathing atmospheric nutrients in the hotheaded hothouse air
of the human farm

‘tis why I paean you at 4:25am understanding full well,
better than most, for once I wrote,
it’s always the next one, that will be,
the flawless poem,
that will permit the laying down of the pen, the guitar

but even flawless is not
“good enough yet”
for all of us, forever


for “yet,”
even more than forever,

is the most unlimited word we share

~

5:02am 10/17/18
alone 2d
You
You are my pain
Everything that I want
But can’t have

You
You were everything
And you were just in my reach
Or at least I thought you were

You
I still want you
And if you might come around then I’ll still be here
And if not I’ll move on

You
You might not like what you find if you come back
So don’t say I didn’t warn you
That I might break

You
I wish you fortune
I loved you
And now I must let go
found out that things between me and her can't work out
;-;
Talk like you speak with flowers,
Subtle and fragrant
So that I notice the wilting
Passion that their green stalks
Soon exhibit.
I'm going insane
From what I do
My obsessions I hold
But I foster too.

Do I like it,
I guess i do
Because right now
I feel there’s nothing to lose.

Run me down
Because you might see me
In all the shades
I breathe and all colors
I admonish.

But I like it
I really do-
and I won’t
Be restrained
By you.
People expect me to be some sort of superhero. Wherever I go I can just turn around, pull off a mask and be a new person. There's no mask, this is my face. This is me. If the only 15 years of my life didn't make me what I am, then what's the definition of a person? Don't expect me to be like the typical person you see here. I've lived an atypical life, I AM an atypical person. That doesn't mean I can't be good, I can't be right, I can't be loving, I can't be amazing. I'm just not what you think I am. So don't expect me to do the same things, and have the same values and priorities in life. I'm Muslim. I'm Human. Allah is closer to me than I am to myself. I love, and Allah showers His love and the love of mankind upon me and I do not know if deserve it. I have things that are important to me and closest to my heart. Don't expect me to shed them off, just because of an illusional factor called time. This is me. I want to be me. Maybe I can change, but I love who I am. And I don't want my past self to be something distant and alien, to my future self. Don't think that your home will become mine, just because you force it upon me. I am home in Allah. I am home where I feel comfortable just being myself. Not having to change myself for people to understand me. There, I am home. I can't keep translating my personality and cutting off huge bits just for the sake of your understanding, for the rest of my life. Please, I beg of you, love me for who I am. If I don't know myself, then who does? I KNOW myself. At least, more than you do. Please don't say my comfort zone is a far fetched illusion. If it is, then my personality does not exist.

Don't expect me to be you. Love me for who I am.
14.10.2018
Been having a few issues with getting important ppl in my life to understand my motives and my next moves. But their inability to understand me stands in the way.
I’m facing a point in my life that I have to make decisions that will make or break my future. It affects the rest of my life. So it’s essential they understand and together we make the right decisions. I’m facing a stage in my life where what I do will ripple out forever, at least for me. I need to drop the right stone in the right place with just the right force.
I’m just not the kinda person people think I am and I’ve adapted pretty well but it’s just not me and I’m incapable of taking that finally step to be just like them because there’s this huge obstacle in between : my personality.
So facing this obstacle, I just wanna say, don’t expect me to be like that. And don’t hate me cuz I’m not like that. I love me and I want to be myself.
When you say what I call comfortable is ridiculous or far fetched or inconsiderate, just know that I’ve thought this through. I know. And there are sacrifices to be made. Don’t break me by saying I’m not who I am.
W Oct 8
...
She felt like she had nothing to lose
Maybe that's why she dived
Head first without thinking of the consequences
W.K
Mei B Oct 7
On the outside I'm happy, I look like I've got it all.
Most people don't know I'm nearing the end of my pitfall.
Trying to keep it together, almost as if I'm bulletproof.
The inconvenience was brought up because of you.
I'm overwhelmed and not as strong as people think I am.
Honestly, I'm beginning to think this is all a scam.
Doubting if you really are the man.
Leaving you is a task I just can't.
Not only this, everything in my life is too overwhelming I can't quite place my finger on what isn't right.
I know I have the strength in me to keep on fighting.
Putting my focus on unimportant things is something to stop trying.
For now, I need to stop lying to myself.
I still don't know all too well.
I'm just going leave the rest of this story for time to tell.
to the inner me, it's ok to be hurt and confused sometimes. allow yourself to feel and stop pushing the negativity away.
Lydia Oct 4
On my way to work this morning
I had an anxiety attack while driving
I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I slowed down to 35 and my arms were shaky and my legs felt numb
I get so tired of having this problem
I'm so tired of it springing out of nowhere and keeping me from being able to do normal things
and making my mind race and my stomach turn to knots
I try to talk myself out of it but that doesn't always work
I dont even know what it's like to not feel like this anymore sometimes
I'm so tired of it
Kati Sep 29
Today you will let go of him
I told myself
but it´s nothing you can decide

You can´t just stop feeling
You can´t just stop thinking

I thought I would never be able to let you go
I thought your sent would have staint me forever

But it was till the moment I saw you again
first it broke my heart how you  smiled so easily without me
how you  acted like nothing ever happend
but then I understood
You wear my key to happiness
but in fact the key opened an illusion

I became someone I wasn´t just for you to like me
you never fell in love with me
you fell in love with what I became
which was nothing but your sidekick
boosting your ego and showing me off

so now I understood why you never cared
and never will
because you fell in love with being loved
but you didn´t thought it was necessary to show love back

You took away my voice
but the day I saw you again I got it back
because I could finally tell myself that I would have been worth it
and that I am not the reason you walked away
because you never walked in to begin with.

Today I gaint my voice back
and I can finally say your name.
19.22.5.14
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