Was a hard time in a teenage girls life unrequited love, attempted suicide and her mind out of line

It was a cold winter morning and she was shaking again
the sun lit up the baseball field like an angel playing again

Smoke surrounded me like a cloud of exhaust
I was exhausted of feeling this way
I wanted out of my own mind, out of this thing called life

1-800-273-8255
Suicide Awareness and Prevention Lifeline

(Watching the oncoming hurricane Maria.  The 2nd in two weeks – same place)

   Death Is Always In My Mind

Death is always on my mind
In one way or another.
Lying there sneakily,
Shaking me
When something happens on TV.
All around a violence:
In the weather, in the city,
In our children, in the poverty:
Calamity.
How to stay calm lamb myself;
A question half my brain
                            is taken up with.

Hurricanes, shoulder pains,
Underlying wonderings.
Questions without answers;
Wishes not yet answered.

And the time!
Always the passing
Without chance of stopping;
In the stars, the planets;
In the ants & stones & plants.
Yet a cup of coffee
And the world is right.
All the worries of the night
Transformed,
And energy to right my life -
If not the world –
Uncurled -
Thus one goes forward.

Death Is Always On My Mind 9.19.2017
Pure Nakedness; Nature Of & In Reality; Our Times, Our Culture II; Birth, Death & In Between II:
Arlene Corwin

Death.  Don't you think about it?  Too?
Hari DR Sep 18

I am not who you want
I am not who you seek,
Do not let me wait,
For a love that is bleak,
I know my eyes don’t sparkle,
Like the stars in the night,
Nor the spring of emotions,
That keeps your life a light.

You don’t need to look back,
My heart can still breathe,
Do not even dare peek,
If it will eventually bleed,
Fly to the sun, the moon, the stars,
Dare not wish for my weary arms,
Leave me as I am, broken in grief,
I promise, this pace, will be brief.

Slap me with the truth and I will say you indeed loved me. Drown me in lies and I'll curse your existence. Or maybe---I'm just in denial, that love is indeed cruel or I am just unlucky. (I am not putting words in your mouth--just tell me you don't like me)

Note:
Sometimes---we just don't like pain---do you know your defense mechanism in love?
Dori Sep 18

I’m not someone you fall in love with. 

I’m the girl you find in the Fall and get sick of by winter. I’m the girl you make empty promises to. I’m the girl who holds onto those promises. I’m the girl who wakes up every morning missing you not knowing if you miss her instead. I’m the girl you stay up until 3am talking to and then the same girl who doesn’t get a good morning text. I’m the girl who gives you second chances because I believe we can make this work. I’m the girl who’s not brave enough to tell you that I’ve loved you since November and still loved you in February…even after you told me you had feelings for him. I’m the girl you use. I’m the experiment. I’m the trial and also the error. I am the girl who breaks her bones while crying into a pillow. I’m the girl who smiles at strangers because they might have it worse than me.
But I’m the girl you fucking leave.

DZ Sep 18

Anxiety rolls away in my tummy,
My heart flutters,
My head screams,
It's nonsense,
Nothing and everything all at once.
There's no reason for it,
No understanding,
But there it is,
Needling me,
Torturing me,
And there isn't anything I can do,
But to ride it out,
Smile it away,
"Fake it until you make it."
But will I?
Can I?
There is no other option,
So I just do it,
And hope it fades quickly,
God help me.
These moments,
They just suck.
But at least I'm alive,
That thought always helps me through it.

Take away the knowledge of knowing where
Take away the burden of knowing what, how, when
Take me away from here
Away from my own skin
Being the person I have been
Seeing the things i know and despise now
Under a layer of truth lies brutal stain
Turned up, turned down, knowing pain

Ill

You know the feeling that you get when you miss a step
That feeling when you turned right when you should’ve turned left?
When everyone has left, that’s not the type of feeling that you should get
Doctors say it’s not normal to feel like you’re falling
While lying down in bed
Then say the drugs will make you stop feeling
And it won’t be all that bad
I do exercises that help me with my breathing
And I listen to what is said
But
You know that feeling that you get when you’ve tried something for the fifth time
And it still hasn’t worked
That feeling when everyone is telling you to stop worrying,
And still that feeling lurked
Doctors don’t know what causes that feeling to stay longer that it should
They say it’s a chemical problem
Do they understand that they haven't really made a breakthrough yet
And I’m afraid I know the problem
This can only be understood by those who have felt it
Doctor, this guessing game, is not working for your patients believe them

When they say it’s hard to wake up, it’s not just physical fatigue
When they say it’s hard to cheer up, it’s not just a chemical lack of harmony
When they say it’s hard to go on, it’s not just the brains longing for the happy pill

The soul is ill

I'm so tired you guys. I can't go on living and no one gets it. Even my medication doesn't know what to do... it's driving me crazy. I'm venting. Gosh I'm useless.
Matt Shaw Sep 12

restful bouts or buoys
in a sea of something i am convinced is agony
and isn't that sad, all on its own?

anyway, i find it's fine
if i just let myself float

my body is a natural boat
it just goes where it wants to go
and i totally deserve
all of this!

Arlene Corwin Sep 10

I woke up thinking about this.

         A Thought About Loyalty

I’ve been thinking about loyalty:
A many-sided world of nuances,
The subtle differences.
We all know it means faithfulness,
A sticking-to devotedly.
Unfurled it shows its nasty sides,
The negatives that worry me:
Allegiance and adherence -
-Ism’s steel prepared to go to war
Against all criticizers,
-Isms’ others
Carving up the brotherhood
Of man.
Not for nothing
That a missile system drawn
To sense and intercept an enemy:
Is named the Patriot:
A system to annihilate.

I worry ‘bout obedience,
Compliance and submissiveness.
I like reliability, dependability,
Dedication if it’s not perverted
Duty, if it leads to thought,
A moral sense,
An ethic that agrees with life;
Loyalty without the strife.
Loyalty to think about.

A Thought About Loyalty 9.10.2017
Nature In & Of Reality; Out Times, Out Culture II;
Arlene Corwin

Loyalty . what is it?  Good and bad, as always

Love me weak
Love me strong
Love me blind
Love me hurt
Love me ugly
Love me dirty
Love me clean
Love me good
Love me bad
whatever you do don't stop loving me
Let this love be unconditional
Untouchable, untamable, uncontrollable and most importantly understandable

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