It feels like I'm barely surviving...
I'm crawling on the floor trying to keep going.
Just when I think I can lay on the ground &rest..
I get buried alive.
I tell myself its ok, don't panic.
They warned you this would happen.
And I claw my way out of the dirt.
Again & again it happens.
The darkness & heaviness covers me so often.
That I wonder when will be the time that I will just lay there buried alive, close my eyes and let the air finally leave my body.
I don't know how much fight I have left in me.
How much can one person take?
I keep clawing my way up to the light.
But the darkness feels so much easier to lay in.
It won't be like this forever I tell myself.
One day you will get up and run joyfully where you want to go.
Hold on a little longer... don't let go.
This isn't the end.
In the light and
In this life,
Finding you in the next
By my side
Waiting for me to live this life
To come find you
In the next
Waiting for me
To survive this life
To live this life
To enjoy this life
Until I find you
had been the only elements of nature on my side.
Faniliar smell of autumn that reminded me
just of who you were-
when you were by my side,
your face made the heartache better.
My secrets were once birds that hadn't taken flight,
you caged them.
Photos of you glisten,
Resting in an undiscovered refinery
months worth of "I love you's"
wasted by lies
I'm losing my mind.
I've called you "my love" everywhere in writing.
Nobody knows, nobody hears
what I was witness to.
A bird had once spread its wings
from my heart to your's.
Nobody can stop.
I loved the words you'd sew together just for me,
Turing "hello" into a song
embroidered by sharp wit and
cutting edge promises.
My friends heard me talk like,
some girl in love-
when we belonged to one another..
Hair fell down my shoulders in light brown streaks, eyes were too bulbuous,
and an obnoxious shade of blue.
she had pewter locks and silky eyes.
told better jokes rather, she laughed at
all your fruitless attempts to tell punchlines.
I hope you don't hurt the one you love now,
A bird creates a nest for my heart,
inspires me to take better care of it the next time around.
how I try to avoid the heartbreak,
but misfortune snaps off in pieces
and lands in my arms
expecting someone to raise it.
The loneliness when you left
made me ill,
would have done better opening the blinds,
and slipping out of the covers.
But I laid there and wept
as if I was a spoiled child,
with a new toy that was taken away.
this is where I mention I was one of many dolls
upon your shelf,
you'd let gather dust.
Began to develop a sense of paralysis,
just from mention or sight of you.
You said to take care of myself,
but I don't think you meant it.
Because the ones such as;
are always being neglected.
I lose myself in silence, well the self that everyone on the outside gets to see, when I'm alone I become nothing but an empty shell, time is going by but nothing is moving, I can feel my life staying the same though my skin feels rougher than it used to, I find myself in crowds, how can I portray an existence so far from the truth so well no one sees what's behind my eyes:
I've been real low
I'd never kill myself though
I've seen the light
And the future look bright
I've been high as a kite
I smoke blunts all night
It's the only way I won't feel so tight
I've come to far to end it now
I'm going to live, and I know exactly how
I will live every day like its my last
And I will not be held down by my past
I knit all of my breaths together,
collect them and name them 'life'.
It helps me to wake up everyday
and not slit my wrists with a knife.
I survive and breathe and feel,
and it's hard but I keep on trying,
to fake a smile every now and then,
while on the inside I am dying.
But I learned that art is a good friend,
It stays along no matter the weather.
And maybe I have my art too;
I can be alive and dead - together.
Thick fire consuming my social being.
Ice cold stare confirming that I welcome solidarity.
Silent lips with the power to isolate.
Arms empty yearning to be full, but bearing fists held tight.
Reminding you that I will fight.
A slave to my emotions.
A puppet to my mind.
Bitter from lack of control and weak from loneliness.
The only thing that makes me sane like you is that even I don't understand me.
I'm a puzzle incomplete.
Of no interest to anyone until I'm allowed to be freed.
I know little of that sweet word.
For it comes so seldom and leaves to soon.
And so I'll stay in my room.