As I sit here in my easy chair
Watching life pass me by
There are people in the world
Who do greater things than I.
There are great minds at work
Studying the world and space.
Not me, I’m afraid, I just sit,
Watch TV, a calm look on my face.
I have not written an opera
Or an awesome symphony.
I have not written great poems
To be read by more than me.
I have not waxed political
With rhetoric that will astound.
I have not created grand products
To be taken from the ground.
I did not engineer a vehicle
That will run on just dirty air.
And, yes, I painted for a while
But found few who would care.
All I seem to be able to do
Is to survive my horrendous past,
And I thank all the gods that be
That the horror did not last.
I answered, as a young fellow,
When people asked to my face,
“What do you want out of life?”
I quickly answered, “My own place.”
Now that I am adult and that
Has finally come to be a reality,
I can’t seem be anxious to comply
When life demands more of me.
They stay vigil, ever waiting the new design of sigils.
Kinda simple, keep their fingers pressed to pimples,
The pus a pit of petered parts,
Perceived by the reckoning of depleted hearts.
I rushed the doors at the sound of a great escape,
The process a repeat coordination of hurry up and wait.
Ever balking at the atrocities of cost,
Average Joes chasing dreams at the velocity of sloths.
How to be content with immense disparity?
Hands out faking quivers, shaking for some charity.
Forsaken someones somewhere surviving on a sliver,
Watching all the getters, I see myself a giver.
Rarely do I ever get a moment to myself
Everything that I plan sits dusty on the shelf
Staring at me silently each and every day
Poignantly reminding me how much I need to play
One day maybe up ahead in a year or two
Nothing will take precedence over what I'd like to do
So instead I fill my time wearing different masks
Intently doing all the things that the family asks
Bodyguard, Janitor, Chef, Taxi, and Teacher
Indeed are just a very few of my lovely features
Leisure however seems to always elude me
Inconsequential to how ardently I plea
Tomorrow is a whole new day to try it all again
Yearning for those moments I can find my zen
Base feelings are monsters that live in my cage
I always draw second
Virginity is a useless sacrifice
So, nobody feels uneasy anymore
Oh they know what self-adoration is
Yet, you are all about the crippling spine that needs to jettison out my back. Crack!
Fear is what fuels your 1962's Colt with stolen gasoline
When I ride it I am on the minute
It drops me off on the line of fire
Flames light up in my lungs
You shout "Here are my reasons, understand, see"
That creeping sensation of the ugliest kid in class watching me behind my ear
Makes me horrified
A basket case of emotion
I cannot stress enough
It's the things I do not want to happen
Like resurrecting insects and then killing them again
Nightmare to my time so I stop moving, like, paralyzed
Fearful is the edge of the knife
Peeling back my organ as I feel its blade cuts thin
Every slice a feeling creeping in
It abuses my skin
Replaced by a shroud of music that I sing to wheedle out
So you can continue to say I "Live in sin, live in sin"
You needed me afraid, so I became brave
You needed me small, so I became big
It feels like I'm barely surviving...
I'm crawling on the floor trying to keep going.
Just when I think I can lay on the ground &rest..
I get buried alive.
I tell myself its ok, don't panic.
They warned you this would happen.
And I claw my way out of the dirt.
Again & again it happens.
The darkness & heaviness covers me so often.
That I wonder when will be the time that I will just lay there buried alive, close my eyes and let the air finally leave my body.
I don't know how much fight I have left in me.
How much can one person take?
I keep clawing my way up to the light.
But the darkness feels so much easier to lay in.
It won't be like this forever I tell myself.
One day you will get up and run joyfully where you want to go.
Hold on a little longer... don't let go.
This isn't the end.
In the light and
In this life,
Finding you in the next
By my side
Waiting for me to live this life
To come find you
In the next
Waiting for me
To survive this life
To live this life
To enjoy this life
Until I find you
had been the only elements of nature on my side.
Faniliar smell of autumn that reminded me
just of who you were-
when you were by my side,
your face made the heartache better.
My secrets were once birds that hadn't taken flight,
you caged them.
Photos of you glisten,
Resting in an undiscovered refinery
months worth of "I love you's"
wasted by lies
I'm losing my mind.
I've called you "my love" everywhere in writing.
Nobody knows, nobody hears
what I was witness to.
A bird had once spread its wings
from my heart to your's.
Nobody can stop.
I loved the words you'd sew together just for me,
Turing "hello" into a song
embroidered by sharp wit and
cutting edge promises.
My friends heard me talk like,
some girl in love-
when we belonged to one another..
Hair fell down my shoulders in light brown streaks, eyes were too bulbuous,
and an obnoxious shade of blue.
she had pewter locks and silky eyes.
told better jokes rather, she laughed at
all your fruitless attempts to tell punchlines.
I hope you don't hurt the one you love now,
A bird creates a nest for my heart,
inspires me to take better care of it the next time around.
how I try to avoid the heartbreak,
but misfortune snaps off in pieces
and lands in my arms
expecting someone to raise it.
The loneliness when you left
made me ill,
would have done better opening the blinds,
and slipping out of the covers.
But I laid there and wept
as if I was a spoiled child,
with a new toy that was taken away.
this is where I mention I was one of many dolls
upon your shelf,
you'd let gather dust.
Began to develop a sense of paralysis,
just from mention or sight of you.
You said to take care of myself,
but I don't think you meant it.
Because the ones such as;
are always being neglected.
I lose myself in silence, well the self that everyone on the outside gets to see, when I'm alone I become nothing but an empty shell, time is going by but nothing is moving, I can feel my life staying the same though my skin feels rougher than it used to, I find myself in crowds, how can I portray an existence so far from the truth so well no one sees what's behind my eyes: