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Musings about first crushes
It's quite an amusing thought
As I have grown older

He was a quiet boy in first grade
With silky hair and shy eyes
But a gentle voice that sang with mine

The second one was in third grade
A shy boy with a mellow smile
We never really talked alot

The third crush was in grade six
He was energetic and loud
With great dancing skills
And my rival in spelling bee

My longest one was in seventh grade
That went on till the tenth grade
Smart and athletic and considerate too
Quite closed off with most people
As he had hid a secret
He's *** and now we're best friends

But I think first love
Never came to me

Only the second love did
He broke my heart and made me realize that he wasn't for me

As my heart kept going back
To a boy with the brightest smile
Eyes that shine with mirth and woe
A voice that echoes around my ears
Whose music resonates with mine

A first love that has yet to end
He's my first love and my first closest friend. I have the fondest feelings for him - it may grow into the deepest of love, it may not. But what does it matter? He is mine and I am his, in either love or friendship
And he told me
He saw me there
In the room on the bed
Reading

And we played pillow fights
And wrapped ourselves in blankets
Rolling around pretending to be worms


And then you exited the room
And then I wondered
How detailed you relayed that encounter
That was more than ten years ago

And I wondered
What your thoughts were
How you saw me
At that moment

And I wondered
How you felt
Remembering those details
Of the memory of our first encounter

How you remembered it
If there wasn't something there
Childhood friends.
I do come back
in dreams, lies
and broken down deja vu,
only I can't
find my way back to you.

I can't sneak out the old window,
I can't wait for the bus.
I can't write you letters.
I can't keep thinking of us.

How are you doing today?
I miss hearing your stories.
I miss hearing your laugh.
I miss being Eleanor.
09.16.18
21:42

(with references to Rainbow Rowell's "Eleanor and Park")
Dashalynn Jun 28
Sheltered by your warm embrace
I lie with you  like I’ve died
When in fact I’ve never felt more alive
I watched as the moonlight danced upon your skin
Glistening under the starlight
I held you close,
I couldn’t help but think
The smell of you is simply intoxicating
all for you Mar 12
It was 3 degrees outside
She wore a purple fuzzy headband that seemed to cover her entire head
Her large and puffy grey coat went to her knees
A grey turtleneck underneath
And those clunky duck boots
While everyone else smiled at the weekend at 3 on a Friday
She looked confused
I could only imagine what she was thinking about

It was 58 degrees outside
The headband gone
She has blonde hair that’s up in a ponytail more often than it isn’t
The coat is gone but the turtleneck is still there
It’s striped this time
She still wears the duck boots since the snow is melting away
And there are puddles with every step
She’s smiling and laughing on the phone
Trying to explain directions
I can only imagine who she’s talking to

I can see it
I can see my future in the way her hair is flipping back and forth as she walks
I can see my future in the way her face lights up when she laughs
I can see my future in the way she curls her hands into her sleeves
I can see my future in how she tries to avoid a puddle but then steps into a deeper one
I can see my future in the way that puddle ripples around her
I can see my future in the way the melting snow seems to glimmer when she passes it

I learned she got the headband for free once
When she spent too much money at her favorite store
Her grey coat is a family company she’s obviously loyal to
The grey turtleneck is from the place she got the headband from
Obviously, she tells me with an eye roll and a laugh
The duck boots keep her feet dry, even if they’re not very warm
She looked confused because she was leaving economics, her hardest class
She had just learned a new concept that all of her classmates understood
But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her head around it

She likes that her hair is blonde
But knows it’ll turn brown one day, like her mom
So she gets highlights put in, knowing it won’t help, but hopes anyway
She’s always wearing turtlenecks because she’s always cold
It’s from the same store as the other one
Obviously
The duck boots are her favorite and her feet like them too much to wear other shoes
She’ll never admit it
But she steps in the deeper puddles on purpose because she likes how they splash
She was on the phone with her friend from high school
Directing her to the lot to park in
She’s staying over this weekend

I was right when I said my future was in her
It’s in the hair
The jacket
The turtlenecks
The headband
The boots
The confused look
The happy one
The eye roll
The laugh
The puddles
The snow
My future is her
i'm waiting for the day you'll find me, maybe it's someday soon // love always
Paige Jan 29
When my eyes are closed
The world is beautiful
Suspended in the ethereal sound
Of my own mind working like
A ticking clock
There is music in here
It reminds me of a simpler time
Of green grass and the summer wind
Laughter and peaches
The sticky remains wetting my lips
Almost like a kiss
Or maybe
The kiss is what lingered there
Reminding me of the peaches instead
The first laugh
And the second
And the third
When I turn my sight from the present
I can remember clearly
Dancing in noiseless basements
Lying on the asphalt of an abandoned driveway
Entertaining the stars with our talks
Discussions of the world and our dreams
Of theories and beliefs and imaginings
I can feel the bravery
And the fear
The shivering rush of you
Making my spine quiver
Oh I remember
My heart has never raced so hard
My blood was never so warm
I experienced you less like a first love
And more like a thunderstorm
In awe and terrified all at once
I've never missed fear before
I fell in love with you
The way the angels fell from heaven
It felt like revival
Like coming home
Loving you felt like drowning
And flying all at once
The touch of your hand strengthened me
The loss of it shattered me
You were an earthquake
A beautiful disaster
The first truly lovely thing
And the last truly devastating
I loved you with urgency of a monsoon
With the power of a raging flood
With the mercy of the blooms in spring
And the honesty of fresh fallen snow
I grieved you when you left
I'd never felt a pain so sharp
A despair so intense
Mourning the loss of you
Was a darkness on my heart
An island of anxious thoughts
Endless nights and wary eyes
My cheeks were chapped and raw
Months were spent in silence
I couldn't speak your name
But I could scream it
And I did
I'd never begged before
But my god I begged for you
I bled myself dry for the stars
Hoping for a glimpse
Willing your face to appear
At the bottom of those stairs and then
It didn't
That hole was never filled
That place never taken
Thunderstorms crumbled to dust
The stars faded in the city light
And rain felt like muddy pant legs
Nothing was beautiful or true
I found solace in the arms of strangers
I became a stranger myself
In the end I found myself missing you anyway
Though the person I am doesn't know you
And the person I was is gone
My soul recognizes those eyes
And it will never let you go
When I was little
We never went to the beach,
Or the lake,
Or the river
In fact the very idea that,
Anything was larger than the creek behind my house
Was foreign to me  

I knew it existed,
But I didn’t really…
I’d never seen it

But when I did, I still remember the fear  
Walking up to edge of the cool water
The grit of the sand
The heat of the sun
The smell of fish
The knowledge that the waves could pull me in

Take me away  

But the thing that stays with me the most
Is the feeling
I felt calm
I felt at peace
I never knew that
Never understood it anyway

I could have stood there for hours
Just staring out at the endlessness
Knowing that there was something on the other side of that
Something else that I could see
It made me realize how small I was
It made me realize how big I was

I guess that’s the beginning

I went back,
Searching
For that feeling again
I returned to very spot
Same time of day
Same day of the year
But it wasn’t the same
Something’s was missing

Maybe I just needed a different beach
Maybe I don't need a beach
But I still kept searching
Looking around
Questioning if I’ll ever feel so small again
Someday
Somehow
I’d feel that again
That endlessness
That serenity
That hope

But if that was the only time
I wish I had taken more
Just a few seconds
To really memorize it
To really embrace it
Before I ran off

I hiked up a mountain side
The rough rocks digging into my hands
The leaves providing shade
The nutty, floral scent on the wind
Then there at the top
The sun set below the horizon
And then that feeling arose once again

And I knew it wasn’t endlessness
I felt that day
Rather I was

Complete
Deb Jones Dec 2018
First Candy
My mouth still remembers
The sweetness on my tongue
I was three
It was a candy aptly named
A “Bit-O-Honey”
It’s still a favorite

First Near Death
Our home was on fire
I was five
My older sister and I
Ran to my mother’s room
She hid under the bed
I hid behind the door
My mother truly
Used herculean strength
To move a propane tank
Beside the window
To get to us

First Secret
My brother

First Authority
I remember the day
I realized I had a parent
One that controlled my actions
And punished too
The day I felt fear
I was three or four
And climbed under the house
So far in. Like a mouse
No adult could reach me
The grownups pried up the floor
I was comforted
My older brother was spanked
(Irish Twin)
He was only 11 months older than I was

First Butterflies
I knew he liked me
A light skinned black boy
Every time I stuck my head out
The school bus window
He did too.
So he could see me.
His sweet little face
Carried in my heart forever.
Even though we never
Exchanged even one word
I was six

First Male Touch
Sodomized
Adult male
Son of my mother’s best friends
11 surgeries
And a entire school year

First Fight
My sister stole clothes
Off the line of our nearest Neighbors
A mile away
Unique looking jeans
And a blouse
She wore them to school
The next day
The girl confronted
Her on the bus
I had to fight the girl
Because we were not
A family of thieves
Just a family that had thieves

First ******
I fainted

First Kiss
Charles.
He was fourteen
I was thirteen
His hands cupped my cheeks
As he lowered his lips to mine
The flick of his tongue
Was a surprise
He wrote me for several years
Beautiful love letters
I would hide them

First Thrill
On the rooftop of a speeding car
Hanging by my fingertips
On to the rooftop
Where it met the windshield
Another boy.
He was nineteen to my thirteen
He kissed me at 50 mph
My brother was driving

First Public Lie
I went door to door
Asking people to donate
Money to buy mice
For Cancer research
I fed my siblings that week
I was twelve

First Shame
I brought home a girl
From school
To stay the night.
Even though I thought
Our house looked ok
My father came home
And said
“Aren’t you ashamed?”
And right then I saw our lives
Through the eyes of another
And my father was right
She told everyone at school
What we did and didn’t have.

First Stroke
A hard punch to my temple
So was the second
And third
Fourth
5th
...

First Pride
Teaching myself to drive
Three on the tree
In a 47 ford
With a chain steering wheel
Glued to the steering column.

First Baby
She’s in my purse
Wrapped in pillowcases
In the ground

First Beg
Please let me come stay with you momma.
“No”

First True Love
No other love came close
To the feelings flowing
Through me
As I held my first son
And the second
Then the third

First Panic
Seeing my four year old son
As I raced down the street
To the woman racing
Toward me holding my child
Bloodied and unconscious
In her arms
My throat closed on screams

First Adult Love
I had loved others before him
But he taught me
How to be cherished
He painted my name
And the date on his wall
In letters taller than me
And he sealed the wall
And built cabinets
That will never be moved
We love each other still

First Motorcycle Ride
My thighs cradling his hips
The feel of his hand
Caressing my calves
At every stoplight
Silently falling in love

First Professional Pride
My career
The wall of framed degrees
I will turn away a personal compliment.
But never a compliment
About my accomplishments

First Pets
I always poured my heart
And tears
Into and unto my dogs
Angel, Benji, Gizmo, Baby
Dobie, Mandy, Cheona
Nora, Jackie, Gus, Callie
So many, many more.

First Drugs
Marijuana more than a few times
Hash once
Formaldehyde (***), Juice
Did once.
So many terrifying hallucinations
******* once

First Emotional Pain
I told my husband
We needed to see a counselor
As soon as possible
He refused.
He didn’t understand
How serious it all was
Suddenly serious
I left this man that I still love
Two weeks later

First Heartsick Pain
I told a man I loved him
He didn’t tell me he loved me
Until a year to the day
We first met
He broke something
Inside me that year

First *** with a Younger Man
He was done, I wasn’t
He moaned for me
To help me out
I opened one eye in a slit
His moaning turned to panting
I think he watched a lot of ****

First Time I said No
And meant it.
I was supposed to pick up
Prints from a Christmas party
He was naked
And drug me around his house
I still had my purse
On my shoulder
As he came all over my dress

First Dance Trophies
West coast swing
East coast swing
Two-Step
10-Step
Schottishe
Dancing the “Neon Moon” naked

First Disillusionment
The man I married at fourteen
Was having *** with a woman
Who asked me to babysit
Her kids that night
I did. I watched her two children.
He reeked of her perfume.

First Song
Always and Forever
By the Heatwave
Our song you said
How young we were

First Stage Fright
I gave a performance at school
It was a great hit
I was ashamed
I published the story about it
Twenty-five years later
It was a great hit

First Justice
Was no justice at all
Attacked on my patio
Saved by a neighbor
He was out the next week
About the same time
The swelling went down
On my “cauliflower” ear

First Adult Stage Fright
I took a summer off
Of my medical career
And DJ’d at a different club
During days of the week.
When no one had requests
I was required to sing.
It’s what I was hired to do.
Especially the piano bars
In San Francisco

First Deaths
My Brother
My Father
My Niece
My Mother
My Sister
It feels like a first each time

First Songs
Drops of Jupiter
By Train
From my sons to me.
Wild Horses
By Jewel
From me to my sons

So many firsts.
We are destined to repeat them
Only some of them
Are worthy of repeating
May Mercy spare us
On some Seconds
Lily ale Nov 2018
I’ve been told not to get to attached to people,
Because when they eventually leave I’ll get hurt and that got me thinking that the being scared to be happy is the worst fear
I know being so scared to get hurt that I became almost get scared of closeness,
if I get punched enough a open hand is almost a closed fist,
if I get my heartbroken enough, love almost seems like a tragedy.
I know that I used the word almost because I’m still scared to admit all of this,
I know only the words you’ve told me, even your lies could become my truths and I would never know the difference
So lie to me
Cause I wanna be attached (hurt) by you
Jacquie H Sep 2018
I want to be your
first kiss,
first love,
first home
I want to be your
last kiss,
last love,
last home.
I suppose that's selfish of me
to want so much of you.
And
I know I'm not your
first kiss,
first love,
or
first home.
At least I'll be your
last kiss,
last love,
last home.
I'll be your last adventure
in life.
I hope that's ok to be
your last dance.
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