everytime i see you,
in dreams or even in person
how you jump back,
my eyes wander to the boy holding
my mind wonders to memories
Of me doing that.
as if I’ve beaten
my faith in you
& our shared nights
jumped you in the shade you casted to hide yourself.
As if months of love in the dark
has made you go back
to a loveless man taking you into his arms.
Sparks turn to fire,
and we’ve turned the heat up,
like the gas stove at my mother’s house,
inflammation all over you.
The soul you once had.
and yet you have a fear of
I suppose you pretending it didn’t happen works too.
i murder myself every night,
your memory being the weapon.
i saw you last week in my dreams and
you beat me with the thought of you
i stood still, covered
in blue, still
you never having to beat me black.
Do you remember the
night of cold; a thick blanket of
snow and anger frosted
over your frozen body?
the complementing contrast,
and i beat me with my memory
I am reaching out for you. I reach to the deep corners of my heart where the darkness begins by its shadows cover; where there was a small hole from the first woman I loved.
I'm reaching to pull the arrow that grown baby in the diaper shot me in the bum with,
I'm reaching for where he's missed and shot and left scars is big as that gaping hole in my heart that Never seemed to heal correctly.
I'm reaching. I'm reaching for the day I saw you in that wheelchair my first day of marching band and someone said we'd be a cute couple of shorties.
I'm reaching for the day I switched seats and you were directly across my black eyes and I could feel my pupils dilate at least 45 percent.
Oh god this is amazing.
I'm reaching into the corners of my mind where I keep my biggest secrets and I'm reaching for you.
These past few years I have seen and learned 'letting go' in a lot of forms.
Be it the deafening roar of a train leaving your lonely figure past, past, past
or a father figure taking his last breaths
or friends you met everyday not being there in your scary, teary nights
or grudges. just so you'd feel light again
not you. not your memory.
I see the future
I see the future and what it holds
It’s not pretty - it’s a deep dark hole
Slowly, I slip in to the recess of the cavity.
Pulling you with me, a helpless casualty.
I will start all over and end repeatedly.
You’ll watch me disappear even though you’re falling with me.
Your love - not safe, as my mind escapes.
Your noose, tightening as my memory fades.
All our days forgotten, our love erased.
While you’re still holding out for hope, I further decay.