I have been having a lot of dreams lately about running away from something
but also heading towards somewhere at the same time, in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to, before I wake up & maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now, that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second, I’d have time to see where I already am
I squander my time I wander and wind between the pillars of despair in my mind crawling my way through mazes made by “Phases” in my mind trying my best to find out what it means to be normal. I hear that storm calling out all the time thunderclouds battering my mind the darkness that rolls in on all sides. My smiles come and go with the tides betting my life on rolls of a dice.
Who is it that deicides that I have to feel this way? Who is it that decides the worth of my life? who is it that decides I should feel this pain, or behave astray or be taken away from my mum: when I was young. I don’t have the power to be okay, I don’t have the power to end my days or let go of my pain.
why can’t I be like them? why can’t I think about cars and tv? why do I think of stars and poetry, or the feel of wet grass beneath my feet?
I say I want to start over Yet cannot let go of the past If I cannot put your mistakes behind me How do I expect this to last? Even before my trust issues Got so bad they couldn't be repaired It was still a little bumpy Because your sincerity was never there Yeah you spent your days with me When no one else could stand being around But you never shared your secrets with me Your thoughts barely made a sound I knew deep down you were up to something Always hiding things behind my back And as time passed I began to wonder What it was that I seemed to lack Why can't I be enough for you? Why do you always need more? I wasn't good enough for you back then I am now a far colder person than before But my heart still feels that flicker Of heat each time fingers brush That's what I tolerate this ******* for That incredible breathtaking rush So even though it's clear that I'm no good For you and you're not good for me It seems like we want different things out of life But a future without you is so hard to see You're my best friend and you understand All the ups and downs I've been though So despite the past mistakes between us I'm still head over heels for you
It’s ****** you know; Stupidity is dumb And if I’m dumb you may as well give up. Tears fell like my expectations for you , I lost my patience And in this situation, there is nothing that i have really won. I earned the truth ,nonetheless Had to look for it and unless you understand what its like to be repeatedly lied to then you’ll probably think its not that bad. But I wanna go back To pretending you don’t exist because now it hurts, yet you still insist that shattered trust is not as severe as a healed heart I have to restart As a fight with you was more peaceful than a fight against myself.