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Shadow 4d
Drown out the memories with another pile of powder
Railing line after line just to rid all the pain
Using these substances every waking hour
Geeked out my mind and feeling insane
Still it feels better then being alone
my mouth hung like an overwhelmed option                        
             i swivel at the window facing
            and stay out the entire day      in this one gawked position
  amazing heat      and an ugg shy of thought                          
    withdrawn     in a mut of mental paralysis
                               by an alcoholic system
                                       on a day off

the day dunks into the eve before i shift any movement
    having sifted the ull                                       
i mix a jar of *** and orange juice
  in the open fridge door
29/08/23

an age dying filter feeder
unk-ing out of brain
Why anyone,
who has seen the eyes of divinity
would ever think that they should leave
whatever space or place or mindset where
they found it, to deny intrepidly that,
without a doubt,
they sincerely believe
that they
saw nothing
out of the ordinary;
no mysterious magic miracle
meant to mean something
to the eyes of wonder
worn by children,
full of mystic revelry;
That there
in this world
with mind unmarred
nothing surreal occurred;
no mysterious light was seen
which no one else could see:
and (hold on)
dismiss that which is in his view of the world which he verily sees,
…and just … look away…
is strange to me.

Why would someone want to leave
the presence and the peace
of creation for some dream?

What motivation could there be to dismiss reality
…for some make believe world…  
that, in which, magic things - do not - exist?

I certainly cannot believe they’d look away intentionally…
Not me!
Composed on or around 1/10/24
Some final thoughts of an addicted mind on communing with god through drug induced means… a last desperate effort by a mind seized to justify its toxic, self-destructive inclination by making it metaphysical. It was deceived.

The devil in the room
Wants to know if you can see him
Doesn’t believe that you can see
Wants you to see
Doesn’t care if you believe
Northern Poet Feb 24
Addicted to the puff
No sign of giving up
Even on the tube to work
I just can't get enough
That fruity vapour
And the morning rush
A tasty blue razz elf bar
And some candy crush

Give me a hit of that sweet sweet nicotine
As sweet as a sweet sweet tangerine
A morning shot of dopamine
Get that **** straight into my bloodstream

Puffing away at those magical clouds
Fighting your way through the morning crowds
I wonder what these people would think out loud
Times are up and then times are down
But no matter who's around
My lovely lost Mary
And her nicotine cherry
Will keep me sound

Give me a hit of that sweet sweet nicotine
As sweet as a sweet sweet tangerine
A morning shot of dopamine
Get that **** straight into my bloodstream
T R Wingfield Feb 23
Mysterious Paradoxes

I just watched a man
take a token from the hand
of a life long friend,
again!
For the power of relief
from poison and pride.
A marker of 31 years
in recovery
from the hell
of addiction and drink.

Face Fear
face first
fearless and thorough from start to finish


“When I face fear, I’m given courage;
When I help my brother, I help myself.”


A third life is possible if the second try fails.
Even then it’s still the first:
3 in 1 like the ghost
and the father and the sun.
From our mother we are birthed
and led to find a guiding hand
and to help others who are lost
find the path and the light
and the love of a life
free from the powers
of persuasion by the devil
and his friends.

A simple solution -

Surrender to Win!

Amen… again
And again and again,
‘Til it ends.
It begins
In a place
Among friends;
One day at a time.
Everyday can be mine
If I find what I found
the first time I really tried.



Common solution
1005 old shell
11:19am
2-23-24
Notes from my second recovery meeting of the day.

Yeah man the struggle is real. I told him when I shared “… It makes me think, if you can do it for 31 years straight - I can do it for one more day.”

He gave me handshake and his number after the meeting and told me “I never did it for a single year… but I did it every day.”

I got a lot of wisdom out that room today. Wasn’t gonna make Alano on time, so I went old shell. That higher power keeps putting me right in my place I need to be every time man.

A reminder for the hard times that it’s just for today.
Níla Feb 22
You loved to have the artsy girl
As if I were a statue to twirl
'These are her paintings and she reads so **** much'
I remember how your praise made me shy away and blush

I remember you saying I grew kind of lame
Looking for a reason I'd rather stay home and finding only my books to blame
But books were not only to fill a void the most beloved on my list of things to enjoy
And I'd rather be addicted to pages where lovers and enemies coexisted
Than watch you cancel out the darkness with any random kind of liquid

And I'd rather be the paper girl
Than to down yet another drink that in my hand I swirl
Losing its sparkle just as fast as I lose my mind
I wish I'd stayed home and simply read through the night
Hawley Anne Feb 16
Before the sun starts to rise,
before the world awakes.
In the stillness of mornings quiet
thats where you'll find the pain.
Pain of things that you regret,
pain of days gone past.
But the worse pain of them all,
the pain of choices you can't take back.
The things you missed while you were high.
The memories you didnt make.
The little voice at 4 am, you never heard
saying "Mommy, are you awake?"  
The guilt of never being there,
through a feverish night.
The longing for being the only one,
who would make everything alright.
You wish that it was you at night
who scared the monsters away,
and got cuddles in the mornings.
Every single day.
On quiet mornings you wonder what,
would be happening right then.
If you weren't a drug addict?
How much noise would there have been?
You think of how you would go back
in time if only you could.
You wouldn't do the things you'd done.
Instead you'd do what you knew you should.
But the past is past now,
and your choices were made.
So now you sit on silent mornings
with nothing but the pain.
And the knowledge that both your kids,
call somebody else mom,
and how its all your fault because you know
exactly where you went wrong.
ThePoet Feb 12
4:21am,
and I’m not sure where the hours went
Wondering if it’s worth it all,
all of the wasted time spent?
Struggling to keep myself around
Plummeting deep into the ground
The line I crossed is where I’m bound
A game of lost and never found

4:32am,
and I’m not sure when it started
Wondering if I deserve it all,
whatever left me broken hearted?
A shallow rise for a deeper low
If I swallow lies then I can’t let go
It’s always yes when it should be no
But I reminisce what I used to know

4:43am,
and I’m not sure how it ended
Wondering if I divert it all,
will I come out the other side mended?
I hide in thoughts buried in my head
Live inside the plots I made up instead
I can’t revive when I know I’m dead
And I won’t survive in the life I’ve led

4:54am,
and I’m not sure if I’m myself again
Wondering if I revert it all,
can I go back in time before it all began?
I knew it’s wrong but it felt too right
I grew so strong but I lost the fight
Intertwined with the depths of night
It’s where I find just a glimmer of light

The silence is deafening when it makes a sound.
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