What can I say? Another one dead and gone away.
Lost to ignorance, or
Possibly blind to addictions hooked grip.
One day your dangling a toe
Just over the edge. The next,
Your staring up wondering
How you lost your footing. I could say he’s a ******, but
Lord knows the elixirs I have invented
To dispel the dark heart of my depression.

Though I stand stoic, life has taught me
To never shame a smile. The sun rises for the living, and
Dead men fall short of tomorrow.
The amorphous soul slips through the seams
Of hands grasping to hold. So, when death discards its cloak and
Swirls its specters all around me
I’ll raise up life like a guiding lantern
And
Step through existence with my convictions.

The greatest mastery of self
is to do nothing.
We are doers
programmed to do,
to solve, to be busy
creating problems
just to solve them
rewarding ourselves
with ever more destructive prizes.
We congratulate ourselves
for our compulsive expenditure
like an addict congratulating
themselves for turning back
to the needle.

We are all addicts.

The true anarchist
does nothing.

Can't go to sleep again
This is when I miss c*caine
Or anything else
In my brain
In my veins
To numb the pain
Before I go insane

But I've come this far
Hanging by a thread
Looking for a missing star
One amongst the dead

I wish I could show you
The real person inside me
The things I truly can do
And who I can be

I've always been lurking
As well as searching
Through the darkness
Of my soul's promise

"We'll be united once more"
Oh how death I would adore
To melt down to my core
Or wash up cold ashore

See the expressions of apathy
And see mal-sympathy
I've broken and I've torn
Around me ever since I've born

I miss't to feel numb
I used to be so fun
Nowadays I've been shunned
From all that I want

So this' what I've become
Someone with seams undone
So I'd understand
If you'd reprimand
All that I am
And ever will be
For I'm only sand
Blowing away at sea

Talk about fashionable---
bars were once
the modern day ***** den
now replaced by a newer drug---
technology
and with so many track marks
I know we will never recover.

TW: Depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, substance abuse, addiction, loneliness, anorexia, anxiety, death.


I bargain with her ——"can I please have these chips?"

"no" she says.

"please? I haven't eaten all day. we'll die."

"no"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"you'll have another drink first."

"really? why do you always go for alcohol?"

"deal or no deal?"

"..."

"..."

sigh "deal."

"no. you drink first." she says, setting the bag of chips down. she picks up the glass of wine.

I turn my head to the side but she drags the glass under my nose and I can't help but smell the bitter sickly-sweet-sour smell of wine as she mimics my own voice back to me saying, "you haven't eaten. we'll die."


I shrugged but I know not which one of us requested this gesture.

And then I chugged the wine as fast as I could, gasping for air after I'd cleared the glass. I raised an eyebrow at her but she seemed unsatisfied.

"what?" I said.

"have a smoke." it wasn't a question.

"nah, don't need one." I thought at her.

"have a smoke." she said it in the same fashion and tone, but her eyes bored into me, commanding me.

"I'll have a smoke." I think and then I do. I choked down the pitiful bits of my joint I'd rolled a while ago.

"Not good enough." she said. we crossed our arms.

I sighed and lit another and smoked it down about half an inch.

when we felt floaty, I asked, "so?"

"good. feel free to eat the chips. you've earned the right" she said and disappeared before I could retort.


No longer hungry, I tossed the bag into the bin.