Is it my fault that I love you
Is it so much so my fault
That you need to try so hard
To make me unlove you?
I'm trying too
I’m so tired
of feeling so tired
My heart says I'm done
with this life,
But my head
screams in protest.
Fight, live, breath, rage
til death takes me
Throwing myself to the world.
Give me everything .
The sleepless, lonely, empty nights.
and the urge to tear holes
in this vessel.
I'll push this body
to its limits and beyond.
Longing to break and shatter.
If I have to bleed dry
to expel her poison
I'll have violence until peace.
I really really wanted it to be you, I wanted you to be the one that could love me the way I deserve because oh boy how much I liked you. I asked you if there was anything else we could do, but you couldn't think of anything... you couldn't say anything to make me stay because I knew I had to go. It was hard because you weren't doing anything wrong, but neither doing anything right. And it was ******* hard because the part of me that died for you was having trouble accepting the fact that you and I are not gonna happen. I cannot think of you without smiling and crying at the same time, at least for now.
You were what could've been but wasn't, you were the one I hoped one day we'd do roadtrips with your sister and her family, you were the one I hoped would send me flowers, and surprise me with a kiss, and take me to places, and share memories and moments. You were the one I thought I would take with my family on vacation. You were the ******* one I thought we could go swim and walk and talk and fall madly in love. I close my eyes and I see us holding each other so tight and so infinite... I want to remember us in the rooftop watching the sunset, but more than that, I want YOU to remember it. I have to let you go, but please... don't forget me.
waiting for the bus, always late, to carry me home
waiting for that shiny new tech-heavy device to arrive
waiting for service when I’ve already been ignored twice
waiting in line to pay for my overpriced vegan groceries
waiting for the doctor who simply repeats WebMD told me
waiting for the Wi-Fi to take only to have it disconnect 15 minutes later
waiting for payday when there's only Kraft singles and jam in the fridge
waiting for Spring like my bones aren’t already frozen and burst
waiting for inspiration like muse has 24-hour shipping
waiting for salvation when the devil’s
fork is already in my back
Most of all
"I'm just tired." Tired of trying,
"I'm just tired." Tired of crying.
"I'm just tired." Tired of smiling,
"I'm just tired." Tired of dying.
"I'm fine, just tired." Tired of saying fine,
"I'm fine, just tired." When I'm way beyond that line.
"I'm fine, just tired." Tired of fighting my mind,
"I'm fine, just tired." Tired of always being kind.
"I'm ok." Tired of the faking,
"I'm ok." Tired of the shaking.
"I'm ok." Tired of forgiving,
"I'm not ok!" Tired of living.
I'm just sitting her questioning my entire life,
Kinda wondering why I don't use the knife.
This life makes me wonder what's worth living,
This life makes me question what's worth forgiving.
Healing is a long process, but it doesn't help when I'm still sad,
I wish I could be different and just appreciate all I had.
If I could change one thing in the past, what would it be?
Would I finally be able to come to terms with being me?
These are my late night thoughts I can't escape,
But no matter what I can't change their shape.
Written word used to be an
extension of my mind; my
thoughts imprinted onto paper
in neatly formed sentences.
they are jagged
I can't seem to put the words
together into sentences that
The razor edge of my words
cut me, bleed my body dry
until there's nothing left
I've ignored so many red flags you'd think I'm colorblind
don't know my worth-blind.
So much potential wrapped up in the scarlet folds,
I've caught myself laundering, adding bleach
hoping the material would surrender
to my love, maybe even shrink
but everything I own is stained pink, now.
I'm left remembering a splendor
Ignoring a broken vow
Holding myself, saying it's not me
it's not you
it's a circumstance, it's timing, it's just not now.
Blame everything but the blinding—
red glow of the cloth waving in the wind
every time you show up and disappear again.
I can see now
without rose-colored glasses
your mast doesn't blend in.
You're a ship seeking harbor in uncharted territory
You want the attention, the fable, the glory
without having to try
to be better.
Anxieties knocking at my door,
But Depressions already here.
These two together cause a war,
It gives me another feeling, fear.
Anxieties on my couch hanging out,
But Depression is coming from my room.
They reunite again and begin to shout,
It's calmed down but I have so much gloom.
Depression lays down in bed with me,
Anxiety is waiting on the floor.
Depressions grasp is strong I can't break free,
I'm not okay and I can't pretend anymore.