Rebecca 1d
you
8.25.17
i just woke up, but three hours before me you are still soundly sleeping.  i can’t stop measuring heartbeats and gauging miles across torn up road maps, where each space in between whispers a breathy i miss you that can barely be heard.

i keep pacing around so much, that my floorboards have walked the distance between me and you, forming fault lines that go absolutely no where, no direction.  my ceilings have been stared at so intensely that i long to feel you staring right back at me, but only feel my eyes being absorbed into an eternal black space above me.

its adventure and madness, and if it isn’t, then its too sane to be true love for me.  my heart is now an empty void, and who knew that these miles between us would only destroy.

i pray every night to the stars that you’re happy and i hope they shine my prayers over you as you sleep.  and when you wake, i envy the sun for getting to kiss your skin everyday.

the world keeps rotating, time keeps ticking, and you’re still not here.  your love filled every crack inside my body, discovered parts of me i didn’t even know existed, and played symphonies on repeat in my head. tick tock tick tock, feeling things i have never felt, don’t let go, can’t let go. never.


9.6.17
inhaling like the way your arms embraced me. exhaling like the way i pushed you away.

when you look into her eyes, do you hope to see me in their reflection?  all I’ve stared at is the stars from my windshield when i drive, the sidewalk and my feet as i walk, the computer screen as i rot out my fucking eyes, and a bunch of other god awful boring shit fucking fuck fuck fuck.

i am the one waiting on you.  and i always forever will be waiting.  i swear to you, i won’t ever stop waiting.  i say it every damn day to every person i meet. “yeah my exboyfriend from L.A. i’m running away with him one day forever.”  every fucking person.

you are my ticket to the better life i need to live.


9.10.17
i wish i could reach you and touch your hand, but you blocked my number.
“hey” “hey! how are you” “i miss you” “help I’m fucked up” “i miss you” “i need you” but nothing ever gets delivered.
you’ll never hear my cries for help.

where have you been? where did you go?


9.12.17
i know you’re forgetting about me and there’s nothing i can do about it.

where are you? the guy who would take videos of me doing my makeup in the bathroom mirror? the guy who kissed my forehead as i slept? the guy who traveled miles and miles just to kiss my lips?
where is he?

remember those moments during the days leading up to when we met again in New York City? how everything just felt so right and meant to be over simple text messages? we didn’t even have to be physically with each other to know it was meant to be

i miss the way your finger strokes my cheek, but i also miss the way your hand grabbed my hair from behind.  i miss the way you curl your arm around my waist, but i also miss the way you pushed my wrists into the mattress.

so many miles.


9.27.17
maybe this isn’t going to happen.
i keep telling myself it is, but maybe I’m wrong, maybe i’m crazy and delusional.

you are the forbidden fruit.
i bit into you once and tasted your sweet taste and lived with you in that moment.
but now you’re gone and all i have left is certainly no garden of eden.

a life barely worth living

what if it stays like this forever? what if it never rekindles again? what if we never meet again? what if i never get to stare into those blue eyes again? kiss those soft lips again? feel those hands around my waist again? run my fingers through that hair again? what if i stay this way forever? no one falls in love with me ever again?

what if i’m unloveable?


10.1.17
let’s be honest. this feeling’s never leaving.


10.8.17
i’m having my doubts.  maybe you don’t actually feel the same way i do, or the same way i felt.
maybe you love every girl the same, but to me it was the most love i’ve ever felt in my entire life.
maybe i was played.

i don’t know what to think anymore.

“find what you’d die for and live for it”
then i guess what i’m living for is you
each and every day.


10.10.17
i know you’re somewhere.

“no jumping from the pier,” said the manhattan beach sign.
but i jumped anyways.


10.11.17
i dream of you.
i dream of you rolling over into your warmth before the sun rises
or walking briskly in the open air of boston.

i dream of a little girl.
i dream of combing her hair every day
half of me and half of you
watching her grow and carry my strength
but mostly embodying your kind heart.

i dream of the louvre.
i dream of the first moment my eyes met yours.
i dream of our forever.

i dream of being the perfect version of me.
i dream of my wandering heart settling into yours.
i dream of us.
i dream of you.


10.24.17
nothing seems to change. i am stuck.
nothing but old high how are yous where my head spins at each thought of your shining face.


11.8.17
one minute you’re riding your bike around the block to your best friends house to go to the local town pool.
the next minute, you meet the love of your life in paris at only 16.
the next minute, you lose the love of your life somehow and everything seems to blur.
then suddenly you’re stuck in this blur. nothing moves anymore.

it’s getting colder, but i’ve been frozen ever since i left you.

college.
my brain is mush. i can’t even think anymore.
or maybe i think too much?

how did i end up here?
i don’t know where i belong anymore. new york? los angeles? dead?


12.15.17
what does she have that i don’t have? what is it about her that he likes?
is she smarter than me? more intellectual than me? he finds her interesting and stimulating to talk to?
or maybe she has more money than me? has a large fortune waiting for her? and they want to be rich together and soak up in each others richness?

is he in love with her the same way he was in love with me?

please don’t just be a memory. you’re more than just a memory. i am more than just a memory.
our story is more than just a memory.


1.3.18
dial tones are my least favorite sound.
it’s the only sound associated with waiting, or at least what i can think of.
dial tones are all i hear when i try to reach you.
i can’t even make a phone call without my heart plunging into my stomach, forcing me to think about you.

i wish i could snap my fingers and fast forward into another world where you and i never parted.


2.4.18
I DIDNT WANT TO HOLD YOU BACK from all the energy that DARTED from your fingertips.
i let you go so the WORLD COULD SEE THE LIGHT SHINING FROM YOU and so you can soak in the world’s energy right back
in hopes that one day we’ll have absorbed so much life that we can find more life in each other again.
an ongoing poem of my thoughts since i left you.
I never really said goodbye, did I?
I think I hugged you but I'm not sure
It was just you and I and a doorway between us
Words passed from you to me
Something about a big opportunity,
One you couldn't miss
I think I cried but I'm uncertain
And anyway, what's a little distance?
I don't know
Maybe its the lack of your scent in the air
Or perhaps your consistent presence in my favourite "People who left" seat
Correct me if I'm wrong but I didn't really say goodbye, did I?
I was alone.
I was fine.
The artist happened,
Taught me life on Canvas.
I fell in love.
He left me in vain.
The hunter happened,
Taught me life in Wild.
I fell in love.
He left me in pain.
The teacher happened,
Taught me life of Words.
I fell in love.
He left me insane.
The writer happened,
Taught me life with Ink.
I fell in love.
He left me drained.
The NoFace happened,
Taught me life,
I fell in love.
He left me dead.
what did you do to me
you showed me world i didn't want
and now i want all of it
it's unfair you know
leaving me here by my self
...
^m.m
Tallie 5d
My heart was an ocean for you
But you were a drought in secret
You let me pour myself in to you
And when I was all dried up
You walked out of the desert I’ve become
You walked out of the nothing I’ve become
Gage B 7d
I'm a reject and i know this because
everybody has that one person or
one group of people that
just isn't the same without each other.

But I
have never found such people

I wander, hopelessly hopeful
of making some conversation,
but I never have anything to talk about
because I can never be a part of their
life long enough to have anything
meaningful to mention

I'm a reject and i know this because
people i know are usually easily picked
out of a crowd. They are never left behind.
They are included.

But I
always enter the chatter midway

I pick up bits and pieces as I
come and go, like a vulture
for gossip and for information
because I am always the one to message first
and I am always the one to be mentioned last.
I'm nobody's first pick.

I'm a reject and i know this because
I can't just have one selection of people
to choose from. I acquaint myself with
everybody I meet.

But I hate it because
I feel like nobody, and nobody knows me.

Except
                      for
                              ­        You
© Gage A. Brush 2018
Crystal Feb 16
A
you're all I think about.
I hate it.
I can't do anything.
I don't do anything.
Getting out of bed is hard.
You've made it hard and I hate everything about you.
I haven't been posting because my mind is all about him and the pain he has left me in.
They called me their friend
but then left me when they felt bored
when they couldn't use me
they stopped pretending

I was dispensable
I was unimportant

and that hurt more than I thought it could
I am fragile you see made of glass
I put my heart in each persons hand
I give them my all
because I don't half ass friendship
I took a risk
And it hurt me in the end
they hurt me
because they couldn't balance
my heart in their life
and it shattered on the floor
And they didn't care to pick up the pieces
smc Feb 13
tiny jewels
adorn
H E R
finger

the ones
w     e
found
together
in peru
    brazil
  colorado

and she laughs like
fairies dance around her
perfect
hollow
soul

she knows
what she did
to what was once
someone
else's
life
She needed him
Only to heal herself.

She never loved him,
she never needed him,
she never really did.
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