You're a little boy trapped
stuck in a moment
buried decades ago
on a summers day
when everything changed

You're an angry man
stuck in his old ways
bar fights and cheap dates
nothing new these days
just more of the same

You're as damaged
or as mended
as you want to be
depending on the light
or who caught your eye

You're a lone wolf
with no place to call home
and no need to hold on
I want to love you unil it hurts
I don't want to let you go
A Poem a Day : Fifteen
First I grasped at mummy's finger,
at bright lights and bouncing balls.
Then at video game controllers,
at sports racquets, and girls's skirts.

Science and sums then reached for me,
and I believed their inviting lie
that lonely man can grasp his place
in the perilous disorder of things.

But my qualm-ridden quest became a grapple,
with truth and the proper use of it.
The village pews that once held my heart
became too small, and so I asked:

"Can truth be held within four walls?
Is progress more than waiting for a fate
of that final forgetting as we drool
on our grandchildren from wheelchairs?"

I have wasted so much of my precious life
and remain convinced I've yet much to give.
One day perhaps I'll watch the sun set with my son:
will I lie to him that life makes sense?

I have learnt that only silence
can answer the questions science cannot.
I never knew I could love, Love.
B/c as a young girl, Love was..
Daddy’s anger flashing before our eyes.
It was all the lies,
That we insisted on living by.
Like “sometimes you need tough love”
Which usually consisted of..
Beatings for hair brushes left on the kitchen table.
Or Ma’s love for alcohol that made her unable,
To love me..
They way I thought I should be.

It was the rule “out of sight, out of mind”
That always tried to turn a blind...
Eye to the things that never really felt right.  
Trying hard everyday to hold tight. 
Like those weave braids that I loved to hate,
B/c the gripping pain kept me up late.
Still, I never dared complained,
B/c I learned early that beauty was pain.
& my hair was to be a crown to a queen,
Taking the spotlight from all insecurities seen..
B/c let’s face it , middle school boys can be mean.
Always mocking my “white girl” name,
Digging up my dirty shame.
Then here came,
The “hot boys” that was full of game.
Always playing w/ my emotions,
Inviting drama like I ain’t already live w/ commotion.
Like I wasn’t already,
Unsteady.

“If it don’t apply, let it fly”
Like Mama said, “never let em see you cry”
But to be honest I was a bit confused,
Then again, slightly amused.
B/c I was taught boys are mean when they like you,
I learned early being hurt was something to value.
One day Ms. Jackson told me “pay em no mind”
But I thought it was only right that they’d, KISS MY BEHIND.
But I said nothing cuz I knew “stay in a child’s place”,
Letting my frustration take me to outer space.

Where there I could fantasize how it feels,
To be head over heels.
For someone who,
Doesn’t have to...
Live 2 lives w/ a chick on the side,
That will end w/ Aunt E keying his ride.
Damn, there I go again , running my big ole mouth,
Telling people “what goes on in this house”.

It wasn’t long before I caught..
On to the idea that love wasn’t what I thought,
B/c this Love constantly resisted & fought!
& it too didn’t seem,
To want to be loved by this thing..
Called Love .

Then came the moment when lost, I found,
The most beautiful sound..
Of a heart beat living within me,
I was chosen to be..
His mother, & learn of everlasting..
Love that has been contrasting..
My views everyday.
& I must say,
I was going the wrong way,
Tryna find where Love stay.
& all along it’s been within me,
Both figuratively,
& literally.

It was a blessing when me & Darelle’s world clashed..
Together. & Together we smashed..
Down every figment,
Of what I thought Love meant.
Or should I say what Love was ..
Because...

Now, Love is,
My heart beat syncing w/ his.
Replacing my dark days with light,
Now, Love actually feels right.
It flows out naturally w/o trying,
Taking away my every breath w/o dying.
Life is renewed within me..
Every time I see..
Kamari’s beautiful face,
Watching his incredible soul fill up any space.
& now that I know,
What I know..  
I love,
Love.
I remember the joys of childhood,
When even the bad days turned good.
From the times when I was drinking from the water hose,
To running around the house wearing
my Rocawear clothes.

I remember smiling at the sun.
And laughing while running away from my brother's bb gun.

I remember gleefully swimming in my pool,
To being daddy's helper carrying his tools.

I remember the simplicity of life,
Without the pain and the strife.
When my only worry was to catch the ice cream man in the nick of time -
When I knew the jonas brothers songs down to every rhyme -

I remember winning my very first track meet.
My happiness radiating like gold from my skin in the heat.

I remember happiness.
The most beautiful feeling welling up inside of my former self,
As though I would spontaneously combust if I wasn't myself.
But those are all just memories,
seemingly from a past life that has been reduced down to a reverie.

I want to feel true happiness again flowing inside of me,
but until then all I can do is plea.
your parents
have wounds
they kept hidden
while pushing you
on the swing

now you’re seventeen
squeezing your eyes
shut and daydreaming
about all the ways
you will be better

you can create an ocean
between
once you’ve collected
enough freedom
to dig the pit
(it is reminiscent
of the one in your stomach)

the bridges
are yours to build
you don’t have to be
an island
but you don’t have to be
a punching bag

their wounds are
not an excuse
they do not get
to point to theirs
while brandishing
dirty fingernails to
draw blood

but while their teeth
are sharp and their
eyes are dark
their broken skin shows
there’s still a beating
heart
in there
somewhere

maybe when i’m older
i’ll be brave enough
to reach out
and try
to feel it beat
feel free to help me come up with a title for this
Standing on top the waters edge
I dream of lands too far
Of wishful castles dripping with knowledge
And flying fairy contraptions that wing across glimmering oceans
I wander about looming buildings sculpted by giants
And stars that ponder them from above
I hope for twisting tales connected to dragons
And dandelion dancers beckoning you to love
I imagine rain cloud laughter
And a time where the impossible believes in us
I breathe for the days that this land will come
And if I am ohh so lucky it might welcome me home
Ambika Jois Aug 8
Who said,
We must love more than once,
To know what love is?

Who said,
We must kiss more than one,
To know it is worth our heart?

Who said,
We have time to experiment,
To know if it'd grow into something better?

Who said,
We can dabble in variety,
To filter out what's best for us?

Who said,
Love isn't love if it's our first,
Or last - who really knows?

Who really knows,
If it's love,
If it's worth my heart,
If it deserves my short life,
If it's best for me,
If it's me first and last,
But me?
I was once given the advice that I must not believe it's love, because it's my first experience of having feelings for someone. I was also advised to test things out for some time and see if there's someone better for me. All this advice, I followed, but I made some stupid mistakes to get to the right place. I regret those mistakes even if they brought me to the right person.

I believe in synchronicity and that everything I've done, led up to the very moment that was written in the stars for us before I even set my foot on the wrong path. So would I not have gotten there somehow when, what I was seeking was also seeking me? Would we not have found each other anyhow? Without regrets, without time wasted, without resentment and without hurt?

What's love today, if all it means is to test each other's boundaries? Does love not mean to care and be there for those who need that in their lives? Is that not all it is? When did love become so conditioned, experimental, mechanical and all about a trend? And what happens to those who've been best friends and loved each other since childhood? Does it actually help to listen to others' advice on love when you know yourself, your heart and your mind the best?

Here's my poem that asks these simple questions, that has made me even more grateful for what time I do have left in this lifetime to spend with my loved one. Thank you, universe, for not complicating it any further than it already has been, and thank you for keeping it this simple. May you have the same priceless love as I do.
Sophia Li Aug 8
Sometimes-
I am just too afraid to grow up
So I lie at the window
And count the stars
All my life I was afraid
Anticipating the bad to appear 24/7
B/c truth be told, it did show up
Morning, noon, & night when the rest of the world was asleep
During those darkened hours fear still crept through
Those nights when you  didn't want to sleep w/ the enemy, your drunken body laid beside mine
Tossing & turning
Unconscious
  Arms flinging & words screaming
Fear came then
Confusion followed , not sure what was wrong w/ mommy
Little girl lost & afraid
Constantly trying to shove you awake & warn you that you were suffocating me.. mentally & emotionally
You never got the notice

All my life I was afraid
Threats through clenched teeth, fuming at the mouth
& a sweaty forehead signaled an angry man
Be aware!
Don't get too near, don't say the wrong words & don't bother at the wrong time
We feared approaching him when he wasn't on cloud nine
All others were bound to be storm clouds
Ready to rain down on anyone's parade Pounding his fist against walls
His blacken robe imitating a villain’s cape Wrapping his fingers around her neck
& beating us til we were lessons learned
Red Brush Aug 7
Innocence unappreciated
Left; it wasn't mine to keep.
Never would I ever be sated;
Knowing just made me weep.
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