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Estel May 26
Seems like I’m back at square one
If not a little behind
What have I done?
It’s always 2 feet forward
And three back

I wish you cared how I was
And I could tell you
Without lying
That I’m fine

I’ve crossed the little red line
That I sketched into my mind
Now I feel lost
With no one to hold

I wish I could end it all
No one takes me seriously
I wish I could scream
“No I’m not fine!!”
But that would never do, no
Just hold it inside
Cut my woes away
And fake a smile.
Estel May 26
I can hear the blade cutting into my soul
I wanna scream in pain
Why do I do this? I ask myself
But I don’t have the answer
Should've known I was too messed up for you
now look what I’ve done
All I can do
Is cut deeper and deeper
Watch the blood trickling down my leg
It’s everything I deserve
I’d cut myself from this earth
If I could
Estel May 26
I’m crying in the bathroom
It’s almost a daily routine
Along with the painful feeling
As the blade stabs into my skin

I wish I could let you in
To see my soul
But it grows cold
And what if you threw it down
Just like the others…

So for now
I’ll live in my dark castle
With my heart hanging from above
But please don't tug

I’ll have the bathroom as my best friend
And the blade a bittersweet enemy
But if you reached out your hand
I might take it…
So don’t play me
I’m too weak for games
Estel May 23
Walls full of mistakes
I could name everyone I’ve made
Always spinning in my head
I’d rather be dead

Cutting away the pain
Doesn’t make you gain a thing
Then why can’t I stop

Crying on the bathroom floor
On a cloudy day
I say
Just let it pour

Maybe the pitter patter of the drops falling
Will give me some comfort
But then again
They just keep time
With my imperfections.
Estel May 18
I told you not to do it
Yet here I am
Cutting in inches

I told you to stop
And cried when you didn’t
But I continue

I love you more
Then I love myself

I don’t care about the scars I’ll be left with
Because no one else cares
No one knows what I do
Good thing too

If they did
They might hate me
And think of me badly.
Sophia May 3
That girl in your class
She laughs,
Her smile lights up an entire room.

That girl in your class
She has great grades,
She doesn't even have to try.

That girl in your class
She has seemingly amazing friends who care about her.

That girl in your class
She has scars,
Lines marking her body,
And friends that don't notice.
And some that don't care.

That girl in your class
Doesn't remember what it's like to not cry.
She cries herself to sleep every night.

But hey,
She smiles.
So she's okay.
Right?
J Mar 23
acting is a lot easier than people let you believe.
First you pick a person,
some sort of simple, easy, fun-loving personality
some range of phrases for said personality
mixed in with reactions of course, and
BAM
you got the gist.
my character is funny in the way that they're sort of me.
I'm very fake.
I've got this habit, you see, this habit of smiling and laughing.
"it's fine, it's funny we're laughing."
I'm the therapist, they come to me, I help.
I collect shards and paste them together
abandoning my own flayed pieces,
ignoring my own shattered self.
But that's okay!
See that's okay!!
Because J!
J!
J doesn't mind being stepped on!
OH ** **!
J DOESN'T MIND BEING USED AND TORMENTED!
NO NO CONTINUE PLEASE!
J doesn't MIND only being talked to when others need something!
Please, go ON!
Because J!
J WILL LET YOU?
and why?
maybe it's the separation anxiety
or abandonment issues
or the fear of being alone in a general way
or a fear of being hated
maybe it's because J is so ****** use to being treated like a
******* DOORMAT!
that it doesn't even phase them anymore
it doesn't even matter anymore
it's part of the normal world
day-to-day life!
. . .
I smile a lot.
I laugh a lot.
More than most.
More than I should.
Some would argue that it's simply too much
am I trying too hard with it?
is it somehow obvious?
. . .
I left my first period to the bathroom. and proceeded to
sit down on the hate this word
and yet i couldn't cry?
WHY?
someone else was in the bathroom.
I wanted NEEDED some sort of a break
and yet J
and yet I
I could not give myself leniency.
Even alone
even if the person there didn't matter.
So when she left, a shed I still could not cry
and i split skin instead.
I had planned it for a while
nowhere near deep enough of course
couldn't be caught bleeding all around the school.
I had my blades in the bag,
I tucked them into my pocket.
some of the juice splattered itself onto tile floor
onto blue jeans
onto hate this word paper
wrapping itself around my arms,
pleading with me to please, please stop.
but who the **** cares
because
. . .
I smile a lot.
pandemoniac Mar 16
stainless steel and skin
do make the worst of friends
the friction
the senses
survive and protect

will love always leave
is light simply a lie
stainless
steel blades
play god and death defy

electric is my mind
my heart is numb and small
senses
just lave
Over walls cold and tall

am i just worth not
the love ; you're unaware.
doesn't
hurt much
i'll go deeper so you care

my mind only filled
with endorphins happy red
pockets
of proof
of life; the raccoon fed

stainless steel and skin
do make the best of friends
buzzing,
living.
the cuts and seams i penned
the journey of self harm - from the time you use it when you're sad, to the time it's your only source of happiness
Po Feb 24
you dont deserve the attention
the scrapes and scars on my body are not yours
my trauma is not a day dream; nothing to praise
the food you put in front of me is not a snack; more like a meal  
the voices in my head are not scary
they are nonchalantly wondering everyday
you dont deserve the attention
my life is not yours so stop pretending it is
the dried blood upon my wrists at night is not your DNA
trauma is not meant to be shared
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