they use to be just a black cloaked figures

Over Time

they grew faces

I

my friend
how has fear consumed my lungs
how i dare not open mouth
for i choke years worth of screams
how a body
became so moldable
so willing to feel hands
it just stopped
being
i was created on saturn's ring
my body constricted
my mind an obsession
breathing
living
meat
quickly rising
quickly falling

II

friend dare i say i miss you quite a bit
even though you called me a freak quite a lot
words that are like fists
become set in stone
your mind a raging ocean
and me a human
barely with my head above it.

III

i was once travelling
and on the bus a man was sleeping
and i started looking at man
and oh friend i was fascinated
how when he woke up
he rubbed his eyes
he drank some water
and i started crying
because how human of him
to be thirsty
and to rub the sleep of
and to sleep
i envied him
i wish i could sleep
for quite a while
maybe even forever
maybe... maybe i shoul..
wait where is it
i can't find my body
maybe i left it on that bus
or maybe it's in his house
or maybe it's still in school
maybe even with you friend
i shouldn't be so calm
i shouldn't panic
i hear your smile
''you truly don't care about anything''
where is my body
whereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybody
i hear your smile
''that's what happens when you design things too much''
friend please
stop
help me find it
find me

IV

i saw you in a dream
and you laughed like you were manic
and i naturally i laughed along
i noticed
you had fists for hands
knuckles white squeezing
i couldn't breathe suddenly
laughing turned to sobbing
your hands were red
blood so much blood
covering you
a hole in my shirt
my favorite shirt
heart was gone
you were gone too
screaming didn't help
waking up is not an option
i mean my heart i have to
i need to find it
what are they gonna say when they see the hole
so i run and i run and i see you
in different cheekbones
or brows
mostly eyes and noses
but it is never you
kidnappers are hard to find after the initial hours
and how long was it since i last felt a heartbeat
hours?
has it been months?
or even..years
i'm losing hope
there are still parts to be found
my body
my sick breathing clay
my body
i think it's finally time to

WAKE UP

V

let me look for you one last time.

i sit in a chair
far too firm
and lie on a bed
far too soft

i shovel food into my mouth
far too cold
and take a shot
far too warm

i think of the future
far too fast
and dwell in the past
far too slow

where are you, middle bear?
my life is not a light switch
please let me find you.

Waking up next to you, I glance up at the ceiling and breathe slowly. I look over at you as your chest rises and falls. You're on your back. I reach over to you and slide my left leg over you. I pull myself in close and rest my head on your chest. I fall asleep there not worrying about what is to happen and what is not.

As I'm asleep, I dream of you and me. Us. Something different. Something positive. A type of happiness that has been long waited for. I hold your hands and yours are twice the size of mine. I feel safe. I feel strength, but I'm scared of it. The scared moment comes about when I feel hopeless about one day and you probably won't be there. Tears falling down my cheeks while I'm asking "Why is it always my fault?" But I'm thinking too far ahead for a moment that may never come. Each day becomes a different day. A different time. A different week. But the same you. And a same me.

Will you ever change? Will you ever leave? Will you ever be less than a friend?

We don't know. Only God knows.

Will I ever change? Possibly for the good of my well-being. Will I ever leave? I don't believe I will. Will I ever be less than a friend? Cannot do that.

I dream of you and me. Us. Something different. Something positive. A type of happiness that has been long waited for. I hold you close, because I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye.

Will this feeling fade? Will this moment last? Will this ever be more than enough?

We don't know. Only God knows.

How can I sleep?
When there’s a railroad
Inside my window
Near my amygdala,
When music plays
On television.
How can I sleep?
When she keeps saying
She misses me,
Yet I don’t know
What this means.
How can I sleep?
If there are blue screens
Denying
Melatonin,
In the morning it kicks in.
How can I sleep?
If the song
Has not ended
Nor will it stop
In the near future
Since I paid
For no commercial breaks.

I'm rarely dreaming.
Waking from a rarely dreaming,
I'm always screaming.
Only in my head, without a single sound,
But it's still far too loud.


Realities are deceiving.
I'm never sure of when I'm dreaming;
I'm always waiting for awaking.
The thoughts and doubts form a crowd;
I cannot look around.


I'm barely sleeping.
I'm afraid I will wake up in the evening,
And it's still the evening.
Being alone, in the deep night drowned,
Dreams or deeds astound.


It's a funny feeling.
The morning should be relieving,
Even if it's without meaning.
At least, I could be sure of the ground,
Not just being without a bound.


Am I dreaming?
I have no landmarks steering;
I might be sleeping.
Dream in a dream in a dream sowed;
In a mind that may be underground.