It sucks, doesn't it.

To like someone you can't have.
Seeing them everyday.
But knowing that they'll never be yours.

It's the worst feeling.
Because all you can do is dream
about and wish for them.
But never really have them.

JayMG 20h

Turn the light off,
The monster is there.
Turn the light on,
The monster is gone.
On, off, on, off.
Gone, there, gone, there.
So whats real?
Is it the Monster or the light
Whats real in this nightmare?

solitude marks the height of my contentment
no agreements to make
I don't have to see faces
nods smiles masked aggression
I don't have to act
I don't have to trade facade for facade
with my peers
do I even have peers?

at night, I feel a stillness
so deep, so harsh, so honest
I don't have to live this lie
explain why I'm fine
why everything is fine
because, it's not
nothing's fine

I am a million clashing universes
filled with endless dying stars
and I reach out
to the other universes
and shrink back
  back
          and at night
I fill the stillness
  the stars collapsing
every synapse bending
toward destruction

no want
               no need
                             no crying out for more

at night there is no other
no one to say my name falsely
and when I sleep
the ocean of my subconscious
carries me to sleeping cures
takes me away for years
to great expanses of colorful
living worlds
where I feel
where my emotions are tangible
solid
and
       they keep me company for
a millennia
         I wake to this doll world
where a friend asks
how are you doing
and she's doing it out of obligation
                                                and there's no color
and I have no emotion
and I feel nothing

Life is the waiting room for the exploration of that dream world

and every night
I taste it
I touch it
I breathe in its vibrance
and the only want
is to never wake
to this grey world
to never have to answer

"fine"

again

Do you know what it means
to be caught in a dream?
Do you know how it feels
to be caught in between?

When things are not there
but they are if you look?
Where all of the pages
are blank in the book?


© Pagan Paul (09/10/16)

.
Old Poem
.

every time i stop and think,
every time i split my seams,
every time i fall asleep,
i see enemies in my dreams.
i lie awake at night.
to keep away,
from my fate,
to hide,
from my inner face.
and every day,
i doze off.
to alien places,
with evil eyes,
and wicked faces,
to try to stay away,
from my head's unwelcoming voices.
sleep, please keep at bay.
i'm already well aware,
of how afraid i am of the day.
my daydreams turn to nightmares,
and night terrors to reveries.
lines blur, visions cross,
asleep, awake, alive or dead.
and these days,
when i daydream in my head,
it's never felt like such a prison.
at the rate i'm wasting away,
i'll feel more safe,
when i'm closest to dead.
but never, never ever,
asleep in my bed.

an accidental double order of shoulder devils has left me with no heaven to go to when i die each night. i'll see you soon.

The times we were small
we'd Flock to the swings,
when boxes weren't boxes
but other world things.

one day you'd be pilot
flying west of the star,
until you grew up
and settled for law.

cartoons and a bike seat,
jarred candy and trees;
the times we were small is
time we can't freeze.

She was standing invisible
By the noisy stage
Fleeing from the blinding light
From poisoning people
Suddenly her song has played
She danced and danced and danced
Climbed the night up
Slid the notes down
Each curve formed into a masterpiece
Each beat brought her up and up and up
Each tune leaded her to the farthest zenith
And suddenly
Her song finished...

Another day
passed away
without giving me
enough time
to start my dream

Another night
passed away too
with fright
over nightmare
I dreamt

I was euphoric, ecstatic
when you held me in your arms,
and kissed me a million times
under the starry sky

Your love affection
and your lips is my favorite addiction
The way it touches mine
I feel so high that I can touch the sky

I can't imagine myself without you
My soul feel so lost and longing for you
I know sometimes we argue,
but I will never leave your side and always be there for you

Your laugh is my favorite melody
You are the one whom I wish to love to the infinity
Boy, I love you dearly
You are my dream of love

have you already found your dream of love?

Last night, I had a most horrific nightmare.

You lived five-hundred miles away from me;
the roads adorned with fear and thorns.
We could never tell our fathers, nor breath a word to our mothers,
but my God, we were so in love.

Under the shadow of the night, secluded in our rooms,
we would stay up for hours, phones alight with wonder.
We shared secretive photographs, candid messages, and
talked, just talked-

Until one day, I was rambling-
I confess I cannot recall what about,
and my life suddenly imploded on itself when
you told me you loved me.

The joy I felt was beyond articulation,
but comprehensible in which it did not last.
Black smoke of distance and loneliness threatened to
choke us each passing day.

We were writing a tragedy of our very own.
One of pain, so tainted-
an absence of hope and an abundance of fear;
A tale to outlast the Devil.  

Staring at my pale reflection, there were black tears down my cheeks-
a waking nightmare rushing to greet me from times not quite left behind.
I cried as the twinkling starlight passed through the windows
for no memory so sad could ever be escaped.

Part 2/2
Part 1/2: A Tale to Outlast the Angels
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