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once, you opened a box of Tic Tacs
and I smacked it out of your hands,
and I watched as all of those
little mints fell to the floor.

you looked at me in shock
and asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that it was impulse, because
Tic Tacs make the same sound
as benzos do when they're rattling
around inside a pill bottle.

__________

once, we got into an argument
over something stupid,
and we yelled at each other
and we both said things
that we didn't mean.

you got up to leave
but I had stolen your car keys.
you couldn't go anywhere.
I locked myself in my room
and you fell asleep on my couch.

the next day,
I gave them back to you
and again, you asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that you could've crashed and
your car could've gone up in flames
and you could've never made it home

and if that happened, the last thing
that I would've ever said
to you would be "I hate you."
and if that happened,
I would never forgive myself.

__________

once, I woke up screaming
and you tried to comfort me
with a hug, and when I felt that,
I hit you as hard as I could.

when your nose
finally stopped bleeding,
and you had gone through
and entire box of tissues,
you looked at me and asked,
"why did you do that?"

and I went silent.

I didn't know how to tell you
that almost every night, I relive
experiences that I wish I never had.

I couldn't tell if I screamed out loud
or if it was only in my head.
I couldn't tell my nightmares
apart from reality, because
my dreams always feel so real.

I couldn't tell that it
was just you hugging me,
because your embrace
reminded me of the man who
held me down once and
hurt me in ways that I'll never forget.
I didn't know how to say that
every night, he reappears in my head.

I spend all day fighting off my past, and
when I let myself relax to go to sleep,
I let my guard down. and he returns
to haunt me all over again.

__________

once, you packed your bags
and you told me that you were leaving.
you were crying and so was I, and it felt
like my entire world was imploding
and on the verge of collapse.

I wiped away a tear
from my cheek and asked,
"why would you do that?"

for a moment, you went silent.

and when you answered, you told me
that you didn't know me,
and I realized that you were right.

every time you had asked me
who I was, I went silent.

when you asked about my trauma,
you were asking me who I was

and this whole time,
I hadn't realized that my trauma
was such a big part of me.

I hate having to accept it,
but I know that it's true.

my trauma made me who I am,
and I don't like that person.
i accuse people,
from leaving me,
but the truth is,
i was the one,
pushing them away.
what feels good can’t hurt you
until it’s not good anymore.

reality doesn’t touch the bedroom
until someone opens the door.

you can grasp skin and
pull someone close,
but it doesn’t stop them
from leaving
once you let go.
Didn't see the signs
Or read between the lines.
Was blind because you were mine.
Didn't take the time
To make sure you were the one for me.
Just didn't want to be lonely.
And now you're going to leave me anyway.
But when you do,
Don't say "sorry, it's the way it has to be."
Don't say
"sorry. Maybe we're not meant to be."
If you want to leave,
I won't make you stay.
But if you want to leave,
I promise I'll be okay.
Lee Jackman Oct 12
I tell myself i am happy being single.
You tell me thats not true.

I tell myself i dont need a family of my own.
You tell me you would make a fantastic father

I tell myself you will see the real me eventually and leave anyway.
You tell me you know me and that will never happen.

I tell myself im a waste of space and the world would be better without me.
You tell me im not and your life is better with me in it.

I tell myself if it wasnt for you i dont know where i would be.
You tell me i will never have to find out.

I tell myself how lucky i am to have you.
You say the same.
Please excuse any spelling, Im dyslexic. I have not had the confidence to share any of my poems until very recently. So kind words please
Amanda Oct 10
I did not think this day would come
The love in your eyes fades away
Would do anything to fix us
To make you stay

I wonder what you are thinking about
How you actually feel about me
I want the most to know the truth
Parts you don't let me see

I am not sure what's real or not
You are so good at telling lies
Pointless yet I am determined
To break your disguise

I love you unconditionally
Always and forever will
If you no longer feel the same
Why continue to say you do still?

If it's because you are scared of being alone
Can tell you right now you'll be fine
Many girls are just waiting for their chance
The moment you are no longer mine

And you deserve the best
The happiness you desire
Should have known that eventually
Of my foolishness you'd tire

You do more than I could ever deserve
From the start I knew
You were far too good for me
Was lucky just to be with you

I know good things never last
So I do not know why I'm surprised
Guess I was naive to believe
Feelings would never be compromised

Our love for eachother so strong
Was all I could be sure about
Despite ****** up things we endured
Connection remained free from doubt

We went through worst together
Lived to experience the best
It wasn't always easy
Relationship passed each test

Now out of nowhere **** starts to change
No reason I can find
Are you growing apart from me?
Scared I'll be left behind

I am desperate for a solution
Be what you need once more
It seems like you're ready to end it
Halfway out the front door

I love more than I ever have
The harder I try the more we fight
Can tell you're getting sick of me
I can't stop holding you tight

I wish I could behave more like her
Carefree
Down to have fun
Used to have such good times together
Seems like those days are done

Stressed under heavy pressure
Both work to lift the weight
Do my best to lighten the load
My worry makes it inflate

She may not nag
***** at you
I bet if you put her in my place
Years of games and illusions
Would not be as eager to replace

History between us hard
It's filled with so much hurt
I understand why it's nice to escape
Hang out with her and flirt

But you do not know eachother well
Hasn't seen your darker side
I'm sure she has her fair share as well
Secrets and flaws kept inside

You know inside and out
My absolute worst
Can be a lot to handle at times
I will never quit putting you first

I support whatever you pick
You want a break to see how it goes
However long you need
Trying people like shoes or clothes

I do not want anyone else
For your sake I will pretend
Don't want concern to hold you back
You are scared my heart won't mend

I deserve to be permanently broken
All the mistakes I have made
Perhaps the suffering would be gone
If only then I would have stayed

I will forever call you my soulmate
If you leave and never return
No one else could ever replace
Your touch I'll always yearn

Hopefully find your way back to my arms
The happiness you couldn't find with me
Even if I give somebody else my heart
You will always have the key
If it's me
That you don't need
Then when your eyes light up the sky tonight I know you're gonna find your way back to me
August Oct 10
i try
for everyone
and no one tries
for me.
Beulin S S Oct 9
Meet my shadow;

It is just dark...

I talked to it

It never replied...

I yelled to it

It never responded.

I looked at my shadow

In the daylight;

I searched my shadow...

When I am left alone;

Day or night;

Dark or bright;

Shadow travels with me,

Until my end...

No wonder it never leaves me;

I believe it is my "guardian angel".
Shadow never leaves me...
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