Today I found myself dead
I was rather unimpressed,
I thought it would feel slightly better
To not be so depressed,

But I have known all along
Air flows through me still,
She left me all alone
The clock has time to kill.

Maybe I’m too dramatic
She is nothing to anyone
I still have family, some friends
And compassion for her? None.

I tried to make her listen
To tell of how none care for her,
Yet she makes up another excuse
To simply stay as she were,

She doesn’t deny my claims
Yet believes her strange delusion
Her defense is the same as always
“I’m only human.”
Just a glimpse of you
Has awoken these emotions
Are now floating
In my subconscious mind
Bringing imagery before my eyes
I remember back to when
Once we walked these streets
Hand in hand
Talked about absolutely everything
I had so much love and admiration
For you
Never would have thought
Things would have ended
The way they did
Then again I was a naive kid

Once we were so close
Now everything  feels...Awkward
Whenever I see you...awkward
Whenever I hear you...awkward
How did it ever come to this
Thought you and I
Were destined to be together forever
Alas all I am left with now
Is awkward feelings and a silent mouth

It’s been years since we last talked
I cut you off after being rejected
More because of the silent treatment
I was receiving
I poured my heart and soul into you
You couldn’t even give me a yes or no
And maybe I’m still bitter
But can you really blame me
After all that time
I was there for you
Through every heartbreak
I was the one who wiped those tears away
You couldn’t even take the time to reply to me

Once we were so close
Now everything  feels...Awkward
Whenever I see you...awkward
Whenever I hear you...awkward
How did it ever come to this
Thought you and I
Were destined to be together forever
Alas all I am left with now
Is awkward feelings and a silent mouth

We’d been through a lot of up and downs
We always managed to come back around
But I stopped all of that
When you couldn’t take the time to
Write me back
I was done playing second best
Watching you date every other man
Still don’t regret that decision
I can’t help but think of you
Because when all is said and done
Still have love for you,
Even though you broke my heart
Just another song
now this is all you are

Once we were so close
Now everything  feels...Awkward
Whenever I see you...awkward
Whenever I hear you...awkward
How did it ever come to this
Thought you and I
Were destined to be together forever
Alas all I am left with now
Is awkward feelings and a silent mouth

©2018 Written By Benji James
deery 2d
i hope you can taste how bitter i have become
I asked you a question,
but you ignored what I said.
Choosing to belittle,
and ridicule instead.

is better,
than nothing,
at all.

The question was serious,
and I know you knew that.
I shouldn’t have put it out there,
but now I can’t take it back.

I laid awake,
imagining your answer.
A million scenarios ran,
each one better.

I built it up,
like I always do.
The picket fence dream,
with the rocking chairs too.

What I didn’t expect,
was a change of subject.
I realize now,
that’s a form of reject.

I’m sorry for asking,
for putting you on the spot,
but you could have just told me,
instead, you did not.
I basked in the light
Of the present moments sight
But all of a sudden
Your words triggered a bitter memory
And now I want to visit an infirmary.

But oh wait this can’t be bandaged to heal
For it is a resurface from a wreckage.
It crawls from the breakage
With a clinging message
that causes landslides
and scrapes my insides.

My thoughts collide
as my emotions become tide.
My lips become sealed
As I no longer want to speak.

But then I’ll lose my mystique
And become invisible;
In the hands of my shadowy past.
Ammar 4d
When you left me over a phone call that lasted a minute and a half
I should've known our fate then
when you said you wanted a second third fourth fifth chance
I should've said no

When you texted me tonight asking me to see your make-up
I should've said no
because all I can think of
apart from your gorgeous eyes
and your pink cheeks
and your chapped lips
is that
he will see you today
and he will remember
that you did it for him
that maybe you chose his favorite colour
or you put on his favorite perfume
he will remember that scent on you
from that one friday
the one day which was the best of his life
maybe he waits every friday to see you

you say you did it for you
but you did it for him way before you did it for you
you gave a part of you to him
a part that you'd only given to me
and it took you a day to bedazzle yourself for him
and you didn't even know him

he met you on a friday
or so I think
but he sees you every now and often
and he will forever remember
that you did this for him
what today you say
you're doing for yourself
but he won't know that
to him
its still like that past friday
"I'm only going to study there"
Exactly why you went out dating him right
Corny jokes
A cheesy smile  
Attached to a person
That was oh so vile

I screamed about the situation until you cried
And by god did you cry
But the question we all ask
Is the truth about why

They say too much of a good thing
May drive you mad
Did swarms of affection ruin your soul?
Or were you just too glad?

You ruined people’s lives
Ripped their hopes away
All because we loved you
Now, what do you have to say?

I though you were sweet
Cute and kind
But I guess I was wrong
I couldn’t read your mind

You stole her innocence
Like you stole my heart
The only difference is
You had me from the start

She lost her hopes
Gained some new fears
All because the “cheeky” boy
Wanted to attack his peers

She loved
Now she loathes
Because her vile friend
Ripped off her clothes

I loved
Now I’m silent
Because the boy I fell for
Turned beyond violent
If you ask me how I am I just might tell you. If I feel like it.
I might tell you that there are weeds growing willful up
around the old shed, that the creepers are out of control,
that there are multi-coloured ladybirds sucking at old wounds
in the hollow of my heart, that acres of wild white daisies
are mad with Spring in the fields but that soon they shall wilt
because that's how it goes. If you ask I may tell you how
I drew blood from a prickly rose I couldn't stop myself from
touching and that it still hurts years later,
that some short-sighted clever creatures devoured too much
honey from the beehive in my back yard and died there fat and over-fed.
If you ask me how I feel I might say 'fine' but don't believe a word.
If you ask me how I am, and you really want to know, then search
my eyes for the spark that links souls and breathes new life
into old secret hiding places we didn't know existed, down there
in the gully where maggots love to linger and make silage, where
tombs are built to keep dead things buried and comatose.
if you ask me and I'm not saying you will, then be prepared to
drop down to where lifeless things may want to come back to life.
If you ask me who I am, I may say that I'm a cosmic river of luminous
liquid that spares no gellyfish from their own refection, where
dolphins stare speechless into the lost Polynesian deep blue of rusting
wreckage. If you ask me how I am, be sure you really want to know cause if
I'm in the mood, it may be a long trip and you may need a toothbrush.
So if you ask me and you probably won't now, but if you do we shall
sip wine of a kind for drunken lovers lush with the alchemy of bitter
grapes aged and morphed into the sweet drippings of reckless
angels ready to yank off another lid.
The attempt to go beyond 'fine' and the typical responses when we don't really feel or want to really open up the whole can of worms or whatever..
I can still taste you
You’re there in the back of my throat
My tongue is swollen at the thought
My taste buds are bitter
Even drinking water hurts
I have never felt so broke
I’ve brushed at my teeth so hard to try and scrub you off  
My gums are now bleeding
My lips are chapped
But no matter how much I rinse you’re still inside my mouth
I can’t spit you out

I’ve torn at my skin
I want to peel you off
But you’ve woven yourself so far in
Deeper than any tattoo I have
I’m covered in burn marks
I am so red
Itching all over trying to scratch you out
My nails are chipped my flesh looks so angry
I can’t help but scream

Why won’t you get out?

You’ve caused me to rot
I am a living skeleton that belongs deep in the Earth
I am alive my heart it still beats
But even when I take my last breath
I will probably look more alive than this

It hurts to walk
It hurts to move
All I can do is cry
All I can do is remain still
I’m choking on my tears whilst you dig your hands into my brain
Tearing up my mind
This is all in my head but you’ve caused me such damage
That I am falling apart from the inside to the out-

Why won’t you get out?
“Are you listening to me?” she barked.

“We are over”, the last thing that my ears told my conscious brain.

After that, bitter justifications oozed out of her mouth; soaked in hatred and drenched in the disgusting scent of decaying words she had held in for so long.
Tears drew closer to those babbling lips as her entire being began to blur; my focus leaning to the wall behind her. I wondered if the shade of her brain matter would go nicely with the décor we had chosen for our family home.

“Are you listening to me?!” snarled the bitch – pulling focus back to my glazed eyes.

“We are done”

I smirked.

I felt like the audience at a comedy, that moment that the last character discovers the plot. I wonder how long she had been fighting this. We had been dead for a lifetime – the lifetime of our daughter.

We had met thirteen years prior. I - the charismatic, romantic screenwriter - walked into her florist shop seductively exclaiming that there wasn’t a flower in the place that rivaled her beauty; and even fewer that warranted dinner with me that evening. I proceeded to buy the most expensive bouquet in the shop (her recommendation as a gift for my gorgeous date that night).

Three years later and we were married. ‘Until death do us part’ we had vowed – now I wish my lips were the Grim Reaper and I could kiss the bride one last time, alas, our mouths had not met in months – those marriage counselors could trade jobs with CPR instructors and no one would notice (“listen”, “feel”, “love”… whatever).
We spent our honeymoon in the South of France, and the South of each other’s pants. Oh, to be twenty-seven with wealth, health, and luxury. To share all this with my new fair beauty, that never seems to fade.

“I thought we were past this”, she declared resentfully.

‘We’, as if my infidelity had anything to do with her. She had sucked the very soul out of me, or worse – my belief that there even is a soul – and she couldn’t even give me my fucking adultery to hold on my own.

Her career had blossomed abundantly; the once manager of a corner florist, now owned the largest national nursery. The fruits of her labour had sprouted a forest of success, success that I had not reaped in my work. I had moved from screenwriter to murder mystery novelist, still being paid for putting ink to paper. Although, it would appear that my ink was not worth as much paper as my wife’s trees produced.

I find my writing is best right after I masturbate, and I have been writing fantastically of late.

“Are you going to say anything…”

Words, like lava, spat from her volcanic mouth, forming molten rock in the ocean of my nonchalance, just another pile of ash ready to be colonized by my apathy.

“… or just sit there in your cocoon of self-loathing?”
What does she know of self-loathing? It is not a razor-blade and a bath tub. Destruction is a twenty-four year old aspiring writer with flowing red hair and dark skin – I think she goes by Lucy now, probably short for Lucifer.

You don’t have to have nothing to hate yourself, you just have to feel like you do. My disgust was hidden, vaulted in a titanium safe, in a top-floor apartment uptown. I drove there in my Mercedes with built-in seat warmers, nothing to heat up the heart though.

“You’re such a great father to Cindy”, she continued while moving to sit next to me, as if proximity could birth empathy.

“I just wish you were as good of a husband.”

My robot head rotated towards her defeated existence.

“I wrote a poem for you.” My first words to her face. I could see her Titanic heart split; I used to say these six words all the time, they were as common as ‘I love you’ back then.
Her eyes softened as she smiled in anticipation.

“If I had one wish
I’d wish you were a cigarette
then I could set you on fire
and no one would even turn their head”

Her smile inverted. The ship was taking on water.

I stood up and walked beyond her to the door.

“Cindy, sweetheart, we’re leaving!” I called to the other room.

In ran the nine-year-old gem of my life.

“Grab your bag and say goodbye to Mommy.”

As I was shutting the door behind Cindy I glanced back into the living room. There she still sat. A static statue on the ocean floor.
Drowned. The entire Atlantic above her.
Sea salt water of self-loathing.

They say you cannot love another if you don’t love yourself – I hated us both, unconditionally.
This beaten heart could never love again.
I shut the door.
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