Oh me, oh my, even when I try I lose it all, I've never understood why
Mind and heart ravaged but can't reciprocate, what happened to an eye for an eye?
You plead for a win, I beg for a tomorrow, abused by karma without ever meeting the guy
Every day I pray for one more opportunity to watch the sun traverse the sky
If this is not allowed then please, before any enforcement, explain to me why...

©2023

No time to find a piece of mind
Tried and lost it all this time
Beg to be kind and please rewind
But this ain't 1989

©2023

I've always been the kid in the hall
Outside the office door of some metaphorical "principal"
Donning a dunce cap, back to the wall
Anticipation spikes in general
This time it's special
When waiting for the next hypothetical, often hypocritical, shoe to fall I make it a double
Dribble and drop the ball
Taking on the challenge of life was a bad call
The order's too tall, don't try it y'all
What I've been given to work with is abysmal
Can't rely on it being factual at all
A criminally out of date owners manual
A For Dummies series appealing to a low level criminal
Vaguely creating, and/or aiding, this failure ritual
Oh the unmitigated gall
Scheduling my burial service to take place before the funeral
Fuucking brutal
I hate it and it seems the feelings mutual
The line stepping is habitual
The backward motion is perpetual
Not sure any of this is avoidable
But, what do I know...
...everything and nothing is impossibly possible

©2023

(Chorus)

...and she said,
"We don't have to stand it here, we can go anywhere
Find a place to call a home and build our storybook future there
If not here then where? Can't we find that anywhere?
A destination with no journey seems to me to be unfair
Some god, somewhere, already answered my prayer
Cause I'm here and you're there..."

©2023

(Chorus)

Driven
By a fear that's not my own
Hidden
It's not my fault my heart is stone
Given
More than I can handle alone
I give in...
...knowin'
I'll never know if I've ever been forgiven
(record scratch to Queen sample)
Carry on, carry on
Nothing really matters...
...to meeeee
(speed/tone pitched down and fade out)

©2023

I see you had a bad day
Thinkin' things you shouldn't say
No other choice but to stay and pay to play
Can't even stray away from your own cliche
Doomed by strands of DNA
Failed every single attempt in every possible way
In desperation you kneel to pray
No answer today...
...same as yesterday

©2023

I've only just begun to begin the beginnings of what's to come
They told me it couldn't be done and if it could it could never be undone
Reinforced the foregone conclusion that I sure wouldn't be the person to get it done
Maybe I'm a human counterfeit, a blasphemous false prophet, either way the unchosen one
A complete waste of profit, a wayward prodigal son on the run
With a set of wings designed for Icarus, the parable goes over my head as I race straight at the sun
Swung for the fence and got my bell rung, if there's no brain damage it's at least gonna swell some from the concussion
*******, would you look at that, they were right, it can't be undone
Realization hit as the last song was sung, forced through a cancerous lung
As the dung that fills me spills freely over my tongue on to everyone
A headache for some, fun for no one, ask anyone

©2023

(Chorus)

I found a corner in my headspaaaace
Where the dark can't find me
But can't see an inch in front of my faaaace
Oh the irony
This rat race feels more like a foot chase, no soul just a shoelace the only thing tied to reality
A cold case denies any warm embrace, I can not negate the red flags that riddle my mentality

©2023

Pain is a fickle mistress
Love alone can not fill the emptiness
Hate will flourish if not destroyed
A dark heart can **** inside a void
Hope is lost on most of us
Fear feeds on all the broken trust
Lust consumes if left unchecked
Truth never has the desired affect
Pain is a fickle mistress

©2023

Why do I feel the need to explain myself to myself
Using preloaded excuses from myself for myself then toward myself
Feels impossible to keep myself safe from myself
In the attempts to escape myself I've lost myself
What's it going to take to save myself from myself?
The endless battle with my mental health, fighting myself despite myself
Do I even know myself well enough to know if I should save myself?
Why, at times, do I want to be someone else?
These are the things I ask myself...
...I tell myself to keep it too yourself

©2023

My rough past, a lonely gravel path that directed me here
One riddled with loathing and fear from myself and every peer
It all pales in comparison to each and every fallen tear
Added to the unforgiving shame of having tried to check out that one year
It's this reign of pain that stops me in my tracks like headlights freezing a deer
It's clear I don't know how to steer and can not get out of first gear
My entire windshield is a rearview mirror, the next tragedy always closer than they appear
My over corrections and over reactions are too severe, they're starting to break down the veneer
Put in place to simulate normalcy and hide the real me but I'm a horrible engineer
The intentions were sincere but this cavalier attitude never allowed the good in me to adhere
I've given in to my dark passenger allowing it to commandeer the space between each ear
At the time I thought it'd be far messier if I tried too interfere with the puppeteer
So I grabbed a few memories as a souvenir and tried to disappear

©2023

I'm not in a good place, it's written all over my face with a permanence I can not erase
The ace up my sleeve turned out to be a joker with my super imposed face
Lost in the twisted maze that is my head space, I'd chase the cheese but it'd be a waste
Fear infused with a terror base so potent you swear it almost has a taste
The dark haze of my past short circuits any new interface
Filled with a technology way out of date but never had the means to replace
I watch the life I thought I'd be a part of race by at a dizzy pace
But it always made time to come back 'round and knock the taste out my mouth like 808 base
Then leaves post haste without a trace before catchin' a case
Just one more missing personality cold case, chalk it up to another looser fallen from grace
They say to pick yourself up by you boot straps, I'm always breakin' the shoe lace
Bet they didn't think I'd use the bootlace to replace the slipknot necklace I misplaced
The bright young man with aspersions worth the chase now incased in blue skin wearing deaths face

©2023

Crimes gone on and on and against all humanity with a refusal to ever scrutinize
Twist the rule of law to accommodate the blatant lies they prioritize on both sides
That's the American dream, can only be seen behind closed eyes
Allowed to look but can't touch the prize, that's the hook, the bait and switch slight of hand is no surprise
A separate set of law books slipped in on the sly, guess the compromise
One for the citizen and one for the almighty enterprise, just dollar signs in their eyes
All for one and one for all, false bravado, see what happens when a nobody tries
See how quick a global problem is prioritized to keep in check a global unrest notably on the rise
Also on the rise, fear of a population turned unbiased congregation then weaponized
Who exactly are the good guys? If it's a non zero number I'd be surprised
Who would have guessed that building an enterprise on the lives of the little guys would be a possible demise?

🎼If you go into my neck of the woods prepare for a big surprise
A lone baby cries it's own lullabies through innocent eyes as innocence dies
The evil in people is all that thrives, it's never been the best of times🎼

©2023

I've shut down so completely it's profound and I've now lost touch with reality
What I want to be and what I'll never be eventually co-mingle and become one entity
The blasphemy, the phony sanctimony and hypocrisy blast from me
I try awkwardly to juggle all three, run 'em up the flag pole, wait and see
Hear ye, hear ye...another blunder here for your amusement, come see
Woe is me! An empty plea for pity ******* by a request to be put out of my misery
It's plane to see, at least by me, that I'm my own worst enemy, I'm no friend to me
Bad karma stacks rapidly atop the early onset of senility
Losing my mind was an inevitability but that was my only company
...now it's only me...
The notion that behind every smile you'll find your happy is, in it's self, a fallacy

©2023

Truth doesn't care what you think
Truth will hunt you down quietly
Truth is often cold and bleak
Truth knows it'll catch up eventually

Lies are just secrets nobody can keep
Lies break you down unapologetically
Lies are not solely used by the morally weak
Lies devour the whole soul entirely

Truth is hidden by the lies we seek,
the falsehoods we speak
Lies don't stay hidden naturally,
falling apart gradually, at times, instantly
Truth turns to lie with a simple tweak,
a false win streak, don't peek
Lies will always be part of humanity, but how much of that statement is tragedy?
So maybe the lies aren't as bad as we think...what do you think?
Be honest now, don't lie to me

©2023

~••~••~••~
You
Attack my every thought
You're
Another voice in my head that taunts
You'll
Label me an idiot savant
Not a debutant to this type of rot
~••~••~••~
I
Have nothing you would want
I've
Suffered through a ghoulish plot
I'll
Do things that you should not
Feel fear haunt every thought
~••~••~••~

©2023

I cry in the rain to maintain a particular mask, ensuring a path through this insane subclass
...I often ask, just how long does a generic smile last...
I cry in the shower to cover the inner lies power to destroy a future with a forgotten past
...can't fault the falling sand of even the most generic hourglass...
I choke on this lump in my throat, a radically ******, cringe worthy mass
...a bottomless bottom, a conundrum of a problem, an endless crevasse, I'm falling fast...
Corroded by the entanglement of lost days, the wrath of memories that didn't last and emotions that won't pass
...I am the match...I am the gass...

©2023

Forget her
Don't suffer to remember just to suffer forever, sucker
Lust safer
Rub one out and see if the hunger doesn't expire a little quicker
Cold fire
Flip it 180 and record what's bound to transpire
Loves quagmire
Simple desire will always inspire but ensnare a liar

Shifty empire
Not strange to aspire to be a vicious, succubus, vampire
Almost satire
An enticing lure to offer for sure but unstable as brushfire
Situation's dire
Sooner than later fall victim to the inevitable backfire
Flimsy tightwire
An act in need of fools for hire, speaking to the choir

©2023

When I say I care little about you
Please know it's the absolute full amount of truth
I hate that I can't scream it at you
Won't forget all you put us through
Just another father on paper, a DAD tattoo
I swore it wouldn't be a preview
Now I look in the mirror and take a swing at you
I try to break through to this other dimension too pull you through
Take back a lifetime that doesn't belong to you
Do my best too squeezed it out of you
Count to three, pull on two, forced to play and pay what's due
Not on queue, but life caught up with you
Couldn't have happened too a more deserving fool, though way overdue
I didn't cling to tissue, I knew I wouldn't miss you
Already grieved for you back in '02
And I knew I'd never let the son of your son know you
Not as a man I knew, not as nothin' but a cautionary tale of what not to do
With both middle fingers to the earth I say thank you

©2023

Walk around palms up like "what the fuuck?"
Low-quality literature John Travolta, dumbstruck
Lingering havoc of being awestruck by dumb luck
Stuck in the rut felt in the pit of a stomach
Nut up or shut up mukbang, self demise potluck
Lame-duck after lame-duck left to run amuck
Anyone else know what the fuuck?

©2023

I am your misery
What's done is done but not intentionally
Made sure my armor was shiny
But a hero I just could not be

©2023

I can not do it, I can't
Did everything one is supposed too and still failed
Wasn't expecting to faceplant
I wanted it, prayed for it, dreamed about it and it sailed
My plea rang out like a chant
Gave up? I played to the buzzer, when the buzzer sounded I trailed
All hope I was forced to recant
Before I knew it I blew it, my loss was unveiled

©2023

A motherless child
Though she lived right up the road
An only son
A want for one never shown
If she could love
I would have never known
Nature or nurture?
Never mattered, I pondered alone

©2023

I wonder if an eye for an eye means you'll never worry about a sty
You try and you try to comply but still see yourself go from zero to bad guy
{Never clarify a why}
You know as well as I, if possible at all they will always present the lie
And who needs to justify why it is what it is when what it is something we'll never get to try

Please stand by...

No one will be with you shortly, this journey is set up to be very lonely
It's just you and you buddy, Superman's strictly literary and there's no name at all on the bologna
{Look closely}
Monopoly's a better show of character then any therapy, decide for yourself if that's comedy or tragedy
Money is invested in more cautiously than time and family

Is there any calm to this calamity?

There's no depth to our shallowness, told it helps move along the progress
The process? Well, that's a little harder to digest, we digress with every test
{Failures are countless}
Direct protest to this nonsense that's pressed into every crevice
Some kind of life sentence, a guilty plea agreed upon with no victim or eye witness

What even is this?

Escape one bad dream only to find yourself awake in a worst nightmare
Nothing in here fights fair, I'm not aware of any rules posted anywhere
{I can feel the crosshair}
I don't want to be any part of this twisted love affair between god and Lucifer
Figure it out, don't ******* up there, I'll purch on YOUR shoulder, whisper crazy into your ear

Let's see who fears who here...

©2023

A bad hand delt, a crippling hopelessness felt
In possession of a heart that can't and won't melt
Whipped unmercifully with a tanned hide belt
So often in fact it no longer leaves a welt
Only a lonely darkness under this human pelt
Always knew when the fear was near by how bad it smelt
And out of respect, or maybe terror, every time it arrived, I knelt

©2023

Painfully vain for such an insecure person
Dualities confliction keeps me on the bottom rung
A innocent convict, guilty victim type wrong
An unrecognizable cosmic size con
A blasphemous conviction
Obviously not the one to bet on
A hit and run rerun just begun
But what's done is done
Wake up with the next sun
But never ask to witness another one

©2023

...but what do I know?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...well, what am I good for?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...what do I have to offer?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
...what CAN I do right?
🎶"Absolutely nothing"🎶
Never allowed to forget I forgot to remember

©2023

We are not the same, I am not like you
And that's not a flex 'cause honestly I constantly try too hard to
Every new "new me" falls apart moments after it's debut
If I stay true to who I am I promise you not a single person will enjoy that view
No one ever has, no one ever will, it's almost a skill, bullshido kung-fu
I've already been told, "look around fool, not a soul likes that you."
"You have nobody buddy except for maybe the presence of two"
"But only 'cause they don't know what's truly lurking beneath the surface level you"
Just a few more things I wish weren't true but life never forgets to remind me right on cue
It cuts right through, fills the blue, will be what leaves me the same permanent hue
The new question becomes do I need more than a few? Do I want a big crew?
And will they even stick around without some sort of voodoo or glue?
I have no clue, but it's never for long if they ever decide to
So what's a guy to do?

©2023

I do not go through life fearless, nor do I wait until I've conquered fear
Everything I do I do despite fear, fight through every tear, must be better than the prior year
I'm sure there's a word for exactly that, that's a fact, but I call it living
Acknowledge when I fall flat, remember there's no safety mat and I must never go back to the beginning
That's who I want to be, that's what I want to say
But that is not the me I wake up with everyday
I'm unsure,
Insecure,
Immature,
With a bit of a temper
I could go on and on, stop me when it starts to sound familiar...

©2023

I'm feeling like I could break before I have my breakthrough
Traversing through the grey of everyday is no way to,
get through
So then
tell me,
what do
I do?
An eerie silence the only thing coming through
But the silence of my darkness doesn't phase me, what scares me is the blue

©2023

This angers taking over
I'm a fighter but a loser
Back to a devil on each shoulder
I'll have no one if I lose her
Standing at a crossroad
Trying to remember what I've been told
Not the first time, might be the last
Caught up in the days of futures past
'Till it's over

©2023

My head is everywhere BUT in the game
Existin' and livin', my very own ball and chain
I walk the walk, a strut of shame
I wouldn't recognize a day without a cripplin' amount of pain
Physical or brain
Far more damaged under this fleshy terrain
I've lost the safety line between insane and sane
I'm lost beyond what I could not contain
Low to no visibility, can't see through the fog and rain
Not a chance in hell I'm coming out of this the same
A constant strain on this average Joe camouflage membrane
One I've made to hide what I'm made of, keeping the real me out of frame
I'll take the skill, you go ahead with the fame
If it's destiny who needs a strategy, why train?
What happens to the rest of me when there's no more life force to drain?
If I knick a main artery vain would you then know that I am not playin' around when I say all pain, no gain
Don't need no stupid prize so I won't play your stupid game
It's rigged anyway but that's why you came

©2023

I'm not the only me I see when I see me looking back at me
Bewildered by the impossibility of a blind visionary with the foresight to look past me to find me
I got caught staring so intently I lost sight of the true me completely
You see such savagery and think it must have been nurtured from infancy
While true, I had it in check, hidden away in the captivity of a long forgotten memory
But it still remembered me, waited patiently, predicting my return with a whimsical accuracy
It heard me frantically trying to find the glass to break in case of emergency
Not to set it free but to once again embrace what was scary, what might be the reality of the actual me
Instantly I handed over the key, didn't even keep a copy for me
Knowing exactly what I was doing and what it'd do to me mentally
It was always going to happen this way eventually
Finding solace in it's monotony, no more uncertainty
Both wake up and go to bed with the same angry energy
Done with the pleasantry and all the pageantry projected outwardly to seem more neighborly
Just so the world could be more comfortable with me when I pass through their snooty, gated community
While it pays no mind to what's being done to my psyche
This self destructive entity wasn't only the part of my reality I was told to bury
It is the entirety of my history, sad and happy, comedy and tragedy
I was it and it was me, the merger went so smoothly I believed it was absolutely meant to be, probably
Fighting myself got messy and wasn't necessarily a necessity
In the end there was no surprise who's hand was raised in victory
I already knew the part of me that held superiority but everyone else said it'd turn out differently
Like they got some kind of decoder key
Of course it didn't and they don't, thankfully I was welcomed back too once again become my own worst enemy
It ain't good company but I personally accept that personality and it's starting to warm up to me finally
It's been a strange journey, be thankful I didn't ask you to join me

©2023

DAX-
Dear Alcohol

~My Verse~

I got wasted 'cause I didn't wanna deal with myself tonight
My thoughts get drowned until I feel alright
I keep drinkin' 'til I'm someone I don't recognize
I got wasted

-----------------------------------------

She goes five sheets 'cause she says she can't deal with my **** sober
I'm sure there's plenty out there who'd agree with her
I don't make it easy on her, she's a ******' warrior
Wasted or sober

I know it's an escape from more than me but I'm why it's nightly
Just her current mistake, worst one yet, yeah probably  
I know what she sees when she looks at me ain't pretty
Wasted or sober

-----------------------------------------

I got wasted 'cause I didn't wanna deal with myself tonight
My thoughts get drowned until I feel alright
I keep drinkin' 'til I'm someone I don't recognize
I got wasted

©2023

Dax-
God's Eyes

~My Verse~

I've never seen God's eyes, but I've seen the devil's
He walks with men on earth at different levels
He knows the king we serve, so he hates and meddles
And prays that we all burn and turn to rebels

He tried to get my soul, but I'll never settle
I'll walk this lonely road from the 'burbs to ghettos
I'll take the gift bestowed and return a vessel
I am the one they chose, yeah-yeah-yeah

-----------------------------------------

(first­ yeah of the verse layered over the last yeah of the chorus, slowed and stretched out)

...-yyeeeaaahhh

I've never met god, no, I've never met the devil
Though I've seen 'em in the eyes of broken people
Both shrouded in lies, watch the line glitch between what's good and what's evil
They seem pretty equal, it's the playing field that's not level

An unholy holy war, creation V creator
You swear he hears prayer so it's a choice to never answer
The holy-ish trinity with it's narcissist center, the first broken family ever
Please do me a favor, before you expire, acknowledge the innocent lost to crossfire

-----------------------------------------

("They'll never see god's eyes, but they've seen the devil's" layered over "I've never seen God's eyes, but I've seen the devil's")

"They'll never see god's eyes, but they've seen the devil's"
He walks with men on earth at different levels
He knows the king we serve, so he hates and meddles
And prays that we all burn and turn to rebels

He tried to get my soul, but I'll never settle
I'll walk this lonely road from the 'burbs to ghettos
I'll take the gift bestowed and return a vessel
I am the one they chose, yeah-yeah-yeah

©2023

An eye for an eye is universally considered to be justified
But you'll find that everybody's blind and nothing's changed, not a single mind
Hear the gear suddenly grind to a halt but refuse to acknowledge the bind
Sittin' dead center of the dumpster fire proclaimin' it'll be fine
In general we prefer to pretend to be blind
You can't get off this ride, I still tried, found myself tied to life for life with no guide
Cried for just a pinch, wasn't given an inch, never made a sound, in that silence is where hope died
Beaten down by everything around, can't hide the tanned hide or tattered and torn pride
Misty eyed and sleep deprived, insecurities weaponized by myself for myself, individualized personality traits willfully lobotomized to fit in with them other guys
Expertly hypnotized to pull the wool over your own two black eyes
Don't question why a lie and the truth are on the same side, like both sides never tried
Confusion spreads world wide, a close encounter of the mindless kind
Unchecked pride in a prise for the loser will compromise any humanity that tries
Let's go to the chart shall we guys? BOOM! The proof is in the lines, inhumane insanity on the rise
Allowing a personalized demise to arise, spoken to yourself or another, a lies a lie no matter the size
In a black and white society there's no blue skies
The grass is fuucked beyond repair, no green anywhere, I've checked front and back and both sides
Who decides where the status quo marker resides
Keep 'em mystified by vague who, what, where, when and why's
Demonize even the idea of a question so questionable answers to puzzling actions are never scrutinized
God won't mind if I send one his way as long as it's not mine, so everyone's waiting for a purge scenario type grand prize
All of a sudden life can be nullified, rationalized as good over evil by twisted minds
A shady shadow enterprise, faceless behind an eyes wide shut disguise
This is what ignorance buys
A centralized love of hate, morality slides, sheep clothing stock on the rise
Right outside one of the good guys with a gun hides while inside our future cries
No hope, no surprise, no answer to prayer screamed at the skies
Only able to watch the eyes of innocence as it dies, proving evil not only survives but thrives

©2023

(First draft)

An authentic smile defeated then deleted long ago, zero chance of winnin' stretchin' all the way back to my beginnin'
It was a genuine expression that slowly melted to an unrecognizable reflection
All pigmentation givin' way revealin' a secondary, ghostly stand in
Granted, it happened in my formative years before I was abandoned due to the mutation
But the impact has been felt through forty somethin' calendars and countin'
A true representation of life's failed mission, I'm guessin'
Not necessarily my opinion but one every other person is holdin', no question
Still wouldn't say it's been a waste but the needles strongly leanin' towards no reason for existin'
An overall lack of position, doesn't seem like I was designed to fit in, that is if my life has been any indication
I manage to make it to and through the proverbial one more day but where's the lesson?
This just feels like non-monetary extortion of a life-sized portion
Take far more than what's given, with or without permission
I'm still in competition with myself, the prize, livin'
The compromise, loosin' myself in a broken system or durin' the transition
The eradication of an inner companion, replacin' compassion with aggression, smooth sailin' with frustration, no direction, no validation
The transition to curmudgeon happened earlier than expected, drawin' parallels from the curious case of Benjamin Button
Not for nothin', the infestation of negative thoughts caused a mutation inside and out, completely loosin' what it means to be human
It's not a lose lose situation, and it sure ain't win win, and any other option, I'm guessin', got lost in translation
But I'm pretty sure somethin's gotta end in order for another somethin' to begin, at least that's what I'm hearin'
Still can't find a reason that justifies the conviction, is what I'm feelin' damnation? Is what I'm seein' my own creation?
It could just be that no matter what I'm not goin' to enjoy the conclusion, not allowed to settle on your preferred endin'
No fat lady singin', just a band playin' as I feel myself sinkin' into oblivion so pardon me for givin' up on salvation
It should go without sayin' but you're waistin' away waitin' for divine intervention, be careful what you use for inspiration
It may not be your intention, but there's no hate like the love of a christian, I'm just sayin'
Pay attention, who you're praying to every day may not be the one listenin'

©2023

(Extended)

An authentic smile defeated then deleted long ago, zero chance of winnin' stretchin' all the way back to my beginnin'
It was a genuine expression that slowly melted to an unrecognizable reflection
All pigmentation givin' way revealin' a secondary, ghostly stand in walkin' in my skin and it's handed some demands in
Granted, it happened in my formative years, a couple of years before the realization hit, I was an abandoned abomination
But the impact has been felt through forty somethin' calendars and countin', often wonderin' just how many more of 'em I'll actually be needin'
A true representation of life's failed evolution, my opinion, it would've helped to have known the mission
At the very least I coulda been shown at least one possible destination
Instead of being teased with this mystical American dream while always wakin' up in a nightmareish situation
Or hell, just vaguely point me in the general direction I should be travelin' in
Oh and where I should begin because I'm sure I'll be back here again, spending a majority of me time going back to the beginnin'
Then, after that you can get back to not givin' a **** about your creation, can't be bothered to even check in too see how we're all doin'
Refusin' to even call it in with a simple "how's it goin'?" Completely stopped showin' up for some reason
What happened to all the love and forgiveness you're supposed to be dishin' out according to your words, king James edition
Bigfoot and god, both bein' heaven and earths undisputed hide and seek champion
Ignorin' all the cries for help you've been hearin' while dodgin' every little question
Eliminate guessin', can't find the answer if you can't formulate the question
Still wouldn't say it's been a waste but the needles strongly leanin' towards an awfully vague reason for existin'
An overall lack of an adequate position, doesn't really seem like I was even designed to fit in
That is if my life has been any indication
I manage to make it to, AND THROUGH, the proverbial one more day but where's the lesson?
Was it in the bull shiit I kept slippin' in before crossin' off and finishin' anythin' deemed worthy of doin'?
This just feels like non-monetary extortion, a life-sized portion, takin' far more than what's ever been given
How do you think that's gonna end? This is not a rhetorical question, I'm looking for answers and forever waitin'
I'm still in competition with myself, the prize, livin', the compromise, loosin' myself in a portrait I've broken
Or durin' the transition, stumblin' across the realization that everyone's been right, I am the problem, that's no longer opinion
Find it in the nonfiction section
The eradication of an inner companion, replacin' compassion with aggression, smooth sailin' with frustration, no direction, no validation
The transition to curmudgeon happened earlier than expected, drawin' parallels from the curious case of Benjamin Button
Not for nothin', the infestation of negative thoughts caused a mutation inside and out, completely loosin' what it means to be a person, never was a good one
Probably no longer a shoe in for team human, my demon is all high on my supply with a gargantuan appetite for fear and hate eggin' it on
It's not a lose lose situation, and it sure ain't win win, and any other option, I'm guessin', got lost in translation
But I'm pretty sure somethin's gotta end in order for another somethin' to begin, at least that's what I'm hearin'
Still can't find a reason that justifies the conviction
Is what I'm feelin' damnation?
Is what I'm seein' my own creation?
It could just be that no matter what I'm not goin' to be happy with the conclusion
Only recently discoverin' life is not a choose your own adventure, you're not allowed to be pickin' your preferred endin'
A mustard seed of faith in myself ain't doin' nothin' but turnin' a mole hill into a mountain
No fat lady singin', just a whole lotta screamin', just a band playin' as I feel myself sinkin' into oblivion
Who the hells idea was it to make me captain? Given the keys to the ship but zero trainin'
Pardon me for givin' up on salvation but if you've been payin' even a little bit of attention
It should go without sayin' but you're waistin' away waitin' for divine intervention
Be careful what you look to for inspiration, maybe get a second opinion before goin' full send, divin' head in without practicin' the landin'
A recipe for disaster cookbook in the kitchen, irony gone missin', passin' overhead, no one's even lookin'
It may not be your intention, but there's no hate like the love of a christian
I'm just sayin', that's a world I lived in, I wish this was a work of fiction, then I could benefit from all this wishin'
Even presentin' it as an exaggeration would be lyin', if I'm lyin' I'm dyin', we're all dyin', they're all lyin'
A livin' contradiction by their own admission, rid them of bullshiit with a little sanitation
Keep an eye on the who you're prayin' to every day, it may not be the one, or at least the only one, listenin'
And there's no mulligan, no snooze button, no rewind function, no wake me up when it's over discussion
A conversation on morals is just opinion, life's not a given, it can be taken but if you can't take it, please, don't give in
With a questionable foundation any moment construction can slip, unnoticed, into destruction
Countless lessons on dysfunction, an influx of confusion, temperaments risin', no inner peace on the horizon
Please have your opposition choosen before the match is striken allowin' the dumpster fire lifestyle to begin
Fuelin' suspicion, a growin' unease between both neighbor and friend, the end will come as no surprise then

Just pay attention

©2023

Dax-
To Be A Man

~My Verse~

I can't hide myself
I don't expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain, what it's like to be a man
It's a lonely road
And they don't care about what you know
It's not about how you feel, but what you provide inside that home

-----------------------------------------

This life's relentless and heartless, regardless, it happens every day
It's obvious, I'm not good at this, why was I cast in this role anyway?
A character I never planned to play, never auditioned, never signed my life away
I didn't ask for this, showed zero interest, explain to me why I gotta stay?

But that's the depression, pushin' and pullin', convincin' me I'm nothin'
I wish it was bluffin', I gotta do somethin', I know I shouldn't keep runnin'
Win or loser the only options given, as the pressure builds, I must keep it from showin'
Turn failures to lessons, allow angers regression, rememberin' my son's always watchin'

-----------------------------------------

I can't hide myself
I don't expect you to understand
I just hope I can explain, what it's like to be a man
It's a lonely road
And they don't care about what you know
It's not about how you feel, but what you provide inside that home

©2023

Maniacal laughter deployed to be louder than the roar of any monster

Most notably the inner

It gets harder and harder to adjust from looser to winner when just a beginner

Sold a bad bill of goods, nothing gets easier when older

I reside in my own temple but can't shake this feeling of being a squatter

Labeled by life as nothing more than NPC fodder

Never been...never seen a main character

In essence, I'm just practice for a dark passenger that always comes out of nowhere

Far scarier than the for mentioned inner monster but they conspire together

I am not now nor have I ever been a shot caller, never given a reason for no offer

Rather, I've been assigned a standard issue shock collar

Always trying to silence the hollar

Why bother?

Stay inline or find the hypocrisy of anarchy and counterculture

Tried bein' louder than ever before, pullin' from somewhere deep in my core

There's no one with a willing ear prepared to listen so no answer

Preforming to an empty chair reserved for anyone who might actually care

It's been empty for as far back as I've been allowed to remember

So I just stand there, wondering what's the matter, what is matter, do I matter?

A pitiful stature of a habitual quitter being quit on over and over

Want to know where I learned it? Just look over my shoulder in a family picture

This is a learned behavior taught by an unqualified teacher, both mother and father

Scream into the ether, I'm a dreamer but this nightmare ain't from a fever

There's no relief either

Not even first chair in the orchestra playing behind the dumpster fire of my own one man disaster picture

A head scratcher to any outsider, just another blunder to anyone who's ever been there

Next time'll turn out to be better

I swear

I'm a lier

We prefer the lie, at first it's far easier

A few too many attempts to hide the pressure, broke the regulator and boiled over

My present back lit by that there **** dumpster fire I explained earlier

My past rages unchecked through my future

A failure by every measure

No answer to why bother

...real quick...

This is off topic
But please don't let me become my father

...anyway...

Cover mistakes faster with lead paint over plaster

Pay no mind to the cancer that comes after

Dangle from a rafter like a fleshy chandelier

You don't have to guess what happened here

The dossier of the crime scene is crystal clear

You couldn't not get the picture

Even if the veil is never lifted, ignorance a problematic but gifted blinder

Gotta know I would never go and drag myself across the floor before arising once more just to lay on an altar

This has been nothing more than my dark passenger being front and center

How could I know letting it steer would lead to a full takeover of more than the arm and shoulder?

Will this ever be over?

Excuse me, is there someone there?

Has there ever been anyone other than me here for that matter?

Hello??

©2023

Who of you can hear laughter in both ears, a devilish whisper from each shoulder
I dare say this two vs one nightmare is a little unfair, turn to tag out and there's no one there
My corner's bare, how'd I even get here? On my knees, can't breathe, please, someone return the air
Dark comes from everywhere leaving one light in the far distance, dead center and it draws near
Looked death square in the face and said, "you're no longer welcome here"
He didn't hear, probably did just didn't care to answer
No atheists in foxholes huh, who knows the correct prayer?
Do we even have a prayer?
Why bother with a prayer
It's only wasted air, there's no one there
...is there??

©2023

I wish I could wish I was more in the moment and less in the haze of a memory
Find me in a nonregulation tankless sensory deprivation simulation to deep dive into why my history grips so tightly
It's not lost on me that it feeds off of the litany of my bad energy, a never ending supply and still greedy
Can't say it's a mystery, not completely, hesitation is hard wired in on the heals of every lesson in misery
Honestly it's never a surprise, not really, the first complication to arise naturally is my own reactionary jurk of the knee
Even though that's never worked out for me, never seem to benefit any, quite the contrary actually
It's entertainment for my inner dialogue, continuously laughing menacingly as it nurtures this three-ring calamity
And I'm left to recite a sorry apology with the conviction of a hostage on VHS tape through a grainy TV
So why do I do it? Clearly it's not a chosen journey but rather some hopeless, helpless destiny
One I prayed would never find me but it was as timely as untimely could be
And now, this is me

©2023

Not to many have resisted the risk
Hold tightly and lose control through the same clenched fist
Pray for there to be but dread that last kiss
How many have been hurt who weren't on a list
Who gets hit with every miss
Can't run from this
I must confess,
Take a minute here to be honest
I don't know if I can say it's worth the risk

©2023

There's all this talk around me about some profound we that's never found me
They taking a collective we?
One agreed on collectively but conveniently and continuously minus me
Is it the me, myself and I type we? Cause defining a trinity might not unveil anything holy
Or could they be referring to the we that turns to just me when things get a little bit heavy?
That kind of we?
Maybe they mean the we I'm supposed to automatically call family
Even though history will show them as a two faced enemy
Both ones I've picked or have befriended me, eventually it's contempathy from a frienemy
An uninterested we that hardly reciprocates the love that's expected to freely flow from me blindly
What baffles me still is this bloodline we that aren't even aware of me
Or they are aware just unwilling to add me to their we
Coldly my psyche reminds me, "you're nobody's somebody buddy, sorry."
Personally, I say let 'em swing from their positions above and beside me on the family tree
Unfortunately they will always be a part of the conversation when discussing this we
The good, the bad and the ugly represented by said we but projected on me
Now listen closely, I claim to have came to this conclusion organically

There is no we, only me

Nonsense spewed when angry but the me I try to hide visually, the one projecting he doesn't need a we
Cries out for somebody when times get lonely, lies and said I'm my only company
Cause I can not see the we that is meant to be, the we I thought was only a dream of a faded childhood memory
It's not only right in front of me but all around me and already a part of me
I had no idea this door even had a handle for entry with a keyhole much less a key
Apparently it was the skeleton type and had to be pulled out of me
Reality blends with fantasy in the best way, what else is there to say? I've found my we and another reason to be happy

©2023

Only God can help you now and and I don't see him here, do you?
I asked you a question motha plucker!! DO! YOU! SEE HIM?! He's certainly nowhere in my view
What's he gonna do, bust in her on some kind of divine rescue?
Kick the door off the hinges and run through, swoop you up and save you?
As a grown asss man how does that idea not perplex you?
If he exists he's forgotten all about you, he's forsaken all but a few
And the slough of sins you've happened to accrue became an issue
He's turned a deaf ear to every sincere word you've ever cried into that pew
Oh but you've never been alone, the devils there for us all
To answer the desperate call for help when our life's in a free fall
When we pledge to give anything for that one thing we believe to be a cure-all
Turn to an inadamint object for a sec for a possible answer to it all
"Oh magic eight ball...is there even any hope for me at all?"
"Not a chance" reads on the small dice, that's when you offer up your small life
Hand over your soul and heart packaged nice in a Ziploc bag full of ice
And at that percice moment he hands over your dreams but at a price
As eventually the good days splice off giving way, showing your sacrifice
A new nightmare trasnforms from your paradise, what once was used to entice
Turns to a vice that's twice as powerful when used as an evil device
And of course, by then, it's far to late to stop this from happenin'
The Lord's furry captured by a heathen stolen through the Golden gate, taken from heaven
Good heavens, where's Chris Evens? We need the captain
But a heros shield held by a broken zero is a domed zeppelin
Soooooo...I win, dark beats light again
I've racked up so many that we should change that old time sayin'
The one about how light always trumps dark cause I leave no question
Leave no doubt in anybody's mind that good doesn't always come out the champion
If you've ever watched any wrestlin' you've seen that the heel or the villian
Gets his hand raised often, over and over again and god willin'
I'll can keep continuin' this stylin', profilin', limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin' n' dealin' with a little added blood spillin' till my will 'n passion come unfastened or to an abrupt end
That's your only hope so I hope it doesn't ever happen

©2023

Forget it...and forget you for even trying to think you could out run it. You can't handle this shiit nor can you hide from it, should probably quit or at least tone it down a bit, it's starting to get a bit pathetic.
It's already got you, it owns you, I told you. If you are hearing this then it's too late, there's nothing you can do. Sorry not sorry, can't say I didn't warn you. It don't matter if you believe it or not to be true.
It doesn't need you to accept it or to co-sign, it'll provide proof of what it can do in it's own time, in a lone rhyme that sends chills through your bones, directly down your yellow spine
Fuuck, they like to say they're just words but are they? These are like sticks and stones that break bones in a unique way, blacking out your heart and steal your soul away and it starts today...

...with me sitting here writing fear like a smear campaign, an assault on your ear that's so sincere, so severe that it'll appear to adhere to all you hold dear like an unwanted souvenir, make it real as the blood that'll smear from the front to the rear of my Chevy Cavalier from the people who use to be here but were met with the same fate as a lost deer wondering in the freeway just north of here. I know you can hear but have I done enough to make myself perfectly clear?

To make it known that I'm not one you want to mess with unless you've got a death wish, if you want to rot on your own cot in your own personal grave plot I've got the perfect spot to lay you down, plant you in you're own ceramic flower ***, but then I thought I oughta bought a big enough plot of land to lay down all who fall from this onslaught, a verbal Juggernaut but you can still come at me and take a shot if you want

And if you do, if that's the case then by all means, name the time and place cause I prefer face to face, I have this twisted trait that allows me to demonstrate how to create a ****** case, how to keep pace and champion a death race, how to get CSI looking at a piece of cheese on the end of a string i placed under a milk crate after a wild goose chase, not a trace of evidence just a message on the back of a bookcase to further the foot race, so check your shoe lace, you don't want to trip up and fall on your face while running from a phrase like trying to escape your goth days, a ridiculous phase

I lay it out plain and simple, just one well placed word or thought out syllable that will cause a tsunami title wave ripple that'll ******* any defence like Clearasil on a pimple, not a complicated riddle unless you're the monkey in the middle. It'll sit a little easier if we can keep it civil after the acquittal, critical thinking will get you through the hassle, to the end of the castle to save the princess but that's not the end of the battle, the system we're in is not a Nintendo, no Atari with a wired joystick paddle, these words are the detergent just added, nowhere near the rinse cycle, one wrong move could be fatal, if you think this a fable you could be one of the ones to wined up on an autopsy table

But it's damage to your psyche not your body that brought you to one knee, words they said couldn't harm obviously do have that ability, I grip that knowledge firmly, hold on tightly like it's a master key, the bounty is set and out, don't try to flee, got your mind hazy, to foggy to see, no friendly face here, no card to get out of jail free, these words that flow so easy from me hold you in captivity and break you down slowly, fully emersed, wrapped in perverse words like a mummy, held captive in this verse like a dummy, a cursed hostage with no request for no money, no escape once I've got thee and test out my theory that clearly I can do just as much damage with word trickery as one could do with assault and battery or a quick slice of a main vain artery but with no evidence visually I get away scott-free

So listen with caution, this cautionary tale is not spun to further the friction, there's not a fraction of this that's fiction, it's just that I can't stop what's already begun, what's done is done, I've won, your defenses are broken, the threat was one not as obvious as a gun so you thought it innocent fun but the jokes on you son, as soon as you read the caption it was straight to the coffin, my words just happen to often be a little somethin' like Jason, Mr Voorhees on a couple ****** sprees, tape shows once the chasings begun it would do no good to run, a fusion of life and illusion to cause mass confusion and frighten to the point you die of a brain contusion, written in a way that there's no coming back from, fallen from grace, in continuous motion as you fall through the bottom of your rock bottom, a deep chasm, a dark ocean, it's going to be grousome but by that point I'm on to the next one cause I know the outcome, you were ****** from before you could even apply caution,  before you realized you should use a life line to call someone, its already become something that could never be undone, don't look for a cure cause I can assure there ain't none. There's no fun in the remedy so I take action to make sure there ain't one

©2023

A new found enjoyment, not heaven sent
Still drawn to it like a moth to a flame

Don't share in my regret, promise to stay distant
I couldn't bare to see you in this much pain

Find me ambivalent to some extent
To take another step if it's in vain

Notice I'm hesitant to place a bet
L's stack shame on top of shame atop my name

Life itself's a debt, lest we forget
The plot and grave are one in the same

A dark passenger resident denise me residence
How did I lose access to my own brain

To myself I'm a threat, morality bent
Just so I'm not always going against the grain

Don't care 'bout bein' relevant, never permanent
But pain finds a way to remain

No clue what it meant is a poor argument
Would rather not waste time trying to explain

One day you might get it, wouldn't count on it
Strange to be your very own ball and chain

Go 'head and attempt it, see no safety net
You WILL become one with the terrain

Flesh and bone, neck and neck racing to pavement
Then witness the insane riddled membrane

Always defiant, against my better judgement
Probably should have stayed in my own lane

No deterrent to embracing my inner deviant
A full embrace of the profane

Won't seek atonement, least not at the moment
I only wish the only option was to remain

There's a death certificate, a signed suicide document
The growing black mark on my heart is more than a stain

So here I sit, trying to make sense of it
Unknown, alone and forgotten out in the rain

Selfimprisonment, a life sentence recipient
The issues with my DNA, infecting every strain

©2023

Enjoy the mocking tick after tock from the clock as the hands race monotony just to land on a preoccupied spot, no over shot
Reality not taught, reason is a subplot, lost in translation was the caveat, what's the grand plan for this life span time forgot
Avoiding deaths cousin, the sandman, only shortened the journey to the grand finale at the bottom of a grave plot, a hateful fate fought
Thought I ought not move to avoid falling through the bottom of all rock bottoms due to the dry rot, a quicksand sandbox in back of Salems lot
Rescue or recovery a long shot, no one within earshot but there's an onslaught of inner dialogue piercing the void like the scream of a red hot teapot
As is common with the distraught I sought help from the cold embrace of a slipknot that grew taut through the progression of this thrown together plot of a should've been cancelled pilot
Don't ask me what I see in this blind study of an inkblot, any sanity you got would crumble if caught up in the web of nightmare fuel my own mind went ahead and brought
Forced to boycott my being, can't connect good story lines, lost a dot, popped a squat in a thousand watt recliner like a pre-programmed self destruct robot
Self-preservation an afterthought, miles out to sea before I realized I've not yet bought a yacht, treading water in a tough spot
Messed around and got so high I got caught in the sky like a drifting astronaut lost in space, tethered to a dead cosmonaut
A crackpot juggernaut of supreme disappointment, walk the walk and take a potshot at a what not to do mascot
Cross my i's and dot t's with the underutilized comic sans faunt that don't nobody want, awoken by the taunt of a witching hour haunt
"Fuuck the record and fuuck the people!" like you heard from Snot, you'll probably be hearing it from me a lot
Before I become a forget-me-not long forgot but go or stay, either way, still dangerous as a traveling blood clot
The good fight was not fought, this life was not sought, everyone seems to have it together, I'm the biggest have not on the block
Do with that what you will, I'm going on a long walk down a short dock with a giant rock in each sock
Then the plan is to mock god to his face and see the shock on his face as I say I could do better and see if I get the morning stars spot

I mean, why not? It's worth a shot

©2023

It's far easier to hate than forgive, can't give myself a break when the case study's retrospective
I hate that it's easier to die than to live, pull up just shy and see it all fall in and out of perspective
To be here, right here, year after year is the objective but the inner chatter from my dark passenger is persuasive
Life escapes through each back stab wound like a fleshy sieve, how much can one individual give
Just meaningless crumbs aren't attractive, I'm a no good, very bad human representative
So primitive, the smooth brain collective not selective enough to be proactive instead of reactive
The crazies run the nut house and the clubs exclusive, drunk off two fifths, the front doors elusive
I'm no detective, I just hope my karma is something I can outlive

Dark thoughts are combative, my own mind is abusive, held captive with no clear motive
The rush from anger becomes addictive even when self destructive
The me I want to be has lost all adhesive and every step towards a concept that moves forward feels counterproductive
From my perspective I should embrace the paradox, go back in time and hand my mom a contraceptive
I'd rather not exist than to be a relative to this bloodline that feels radioactive
But what's the alternative, trading one mess for another is gonna get repetitive
And every time, the byproduct gets more carossive, the rust forms a husk that falls away exposing the explosive
One that goes off erratically 'cause real change isn't a newspaper, or soothsayer, real help is expensive

Hand me that sedative, this repetitive narrative is too intensive, Lucifer's obsessive and I, compulsive
Destructive to a fault and so one sided I'm not even competitive
A cognitive function nowhere near adaptive, straight to punishment, bypassing corrective
Leaving me to always be on the defensive but that alone will fail to be effective
At least for the collection of the negative that is a bigger percentage of the me that's reflective
One of a fugitive on the run from my formative years, all the hardwired fears still active
Each with a different authoritative directive and all for the worse, who the hell's even driving this locomotive?
My words sound figurative, at least enough to label it an overactive imagination, so creative
But it's imperative that this is looked at as informative, a documentary type narrative

CAUSE I SWEAR IT IS

©2023

A life time lost, mindlessly searchin', wanderin' aimlessly in the margin
Lingerin' in the gray, outside yet somehow dead center of socially accepted norms and action
Starved of affection, but by design, never forget to mention it feels safer with zero human interaction
Parched, withering away, no reaction, no peace, only life but just a fraction

A scorched Earth, a nightmarish vision, a dream state of my demons risen
No rhyme, no reason, no time to be forgiven, is it a sin if the motive is kept hidden?
Does one exist if forgotten? No answer if you can't remember the question
Hence then, to stay afloat one must stop the spin of the downward spiral one finds oneself in

Listen, or don't, it won't matter in the end, frightened without the knowledge of when
A last breath taken after finally on the mend, would it be different if hope wasn't given?
A permanent decision, forever finally allowed to begin but could it be considered a win?
It's all about perception, a frown flipped upside down is a grin

Eyes wide shut, lie and try to pretend they're open, heart closed off, can't repair what's been broken
A conversation with a villan disguised by the voice of a friend, a danger unspoken
Another bad omen, no one around, both voices coming from a location deep within
What's been awoken has stolen emotion and allowed the erosion to begin

...and here...we go...again...

©2023