I'm standing on a ledge
Looking out over a vast ocean
I feel small, insignificant.
Yet I admire its beauty, it's wonder.
What secrets lurk beneath those depths,
Will they ever discover,
all there is to know?
These feelings aren't shallow,
they aren't just meat and bone,
These thoughts aren't skin deep.  
Think deeper
Deeper than the deepest trench
I'm standing on the sand
At the edge of the water
As the waves from the ocean
caress the shore
The water sweeps over my feet
I feel calm, soothed.
There's something in the ocean
I just find relaxing
It seems to heal all the wounds
Even though the salt may sting
I know that these wounds
will fade with time.
The sunsets over the ocean
revealing a beauty in which only eyes can behold
turning skies to the most captivating of pinks and soft oranges.
But it's the reflection of the moon upon the water.
That totally connects with my soul.
A light shining brightly over a vast ocean, yet it still gives hope,
that there are many beautiful moments within life.
No matter how vast or deep the ocean of your mind is.
I can hear waves crashing as I close my eyes.
Serenading my ears with its song,
they aren't rough like the pain that swirls inside of me.
it feels as though it is cleansing me of my sins,
with each wave that I hear
Another terrible feeling washes away.
All my hopes and dreams though far and distant.
Just may be reachable.
All I have to do is sail to reach them.
but for now, I'll just admire the view.
look at these stars from a distance,
one day I will shine just as bright
Somewhere in the future of my life.

©2017 Written By Benji James

Started writing this one, weeks ago, finally found the determination to finish it.

David Bowie at age 69 had me crying,
At age 69 I would have thought that I'd be living,
Not dying.
At age 69 I couldn't imagine passing,
My life slowly dissipating.
But hold on,
Space Oddity has a purpose.
He had felt as misplaced outside of Earth's Orbit just as I do with myself except when I feel misplaced, It's not far above the world.
If anything, I'm sitting right outside of it like a one-way glass is separating me and a somewhat functioning life.
Major Tom, can you hear me?
I'm sitting outside in this sea of stars,
Detached from my mind you see,
Everything is shapes and not people to me.
My emotions were the rocket that threw me into space,
My body was the capsule,
My mind the moon in all of its glory,
Somebody help me.
I cannot feel anything,
I cannot reach ground level because I am lost.
Major Tom, there's something wrong.

I am suffering.
unnamed May 31

My thoughts don't escape me
They seek me
I avoid and they follow
I dip and they dive
Always over my shoulder

I've lost a train of thought, sure
But it always finds me
A high speed train
A runaway train
At the most inconvenient of times.

When do I control the thoughts
And the thoughts don't control me?
For such a mighty being…
It's a pretty weak display.
My thoughts tell me who I am.

But they aren't who I am
Mere fragments
(I beg someone to tell them that)
Moments in time passed
Past. Not Present.

When they come back though
…I must relive the moment
No matter how much I protest
They do not obey my requests
It's pointless.

Live in the moment
Embrace the now
Tactics of a desperate soul
All in vain
But they paint the picture

A picture that doesn’t belong to me
A picture that shows me
Or how I see me
And the colors are all off
It's so out of focus.

Focus seems to be the whole issue
I'm always on the inside
Sifting through strings of words,
Flashes of optics, pockets of sound,
Just trying to make sense of it all

Thoughts are altered upon each retrieval
Emotions invade unwelcome
Uninvited, they plant in the memory
It's altered. For the worse
The picture is shadowed once more

"That isn't me."
But it is, isn't it?
Or it was.
WAS.
I can handle "was".

"Is" constitutes different territory
I am proud of me
I am ashamed of me
I live every emotion about me
I'm not given a choice

I am given a choice..
As to who I will be
Not who I was.
Not who I am.
But who will I be?

Reading Those stories..
Reading Those Lines with Heart and Mind…
Feeling those immense emotions…
Led me to a question…. Do I have a story!

Although a thought came saying “No”

Another Question popped up… Do I Have to have one!

A feeling came saying “ Is it Mandatory?” Do you need to please anyone or anything?

Something came and talked to me: Is it an Ego? Is it the box of “I am nothing”?… Is it the Box of “I Need to be seen”?

I don’t know!

So…Let me tell you the “No Story” of me!

The Journey of No change!
The Journey of becoming aware of my dark sides!
The Journey of waiting for someone to tell me “You are doing something!!.

“Coaching has saved you”!! with a smile and sadness i received this statement, knowing it is true!

What a waste!

It is Journey of Angry soul! Angry Words, Angry Breaths that burn this history under my name!

In My silence I build, waiting for that erupt to free me from those chains of……

“It should be right”
“It Should be Catchy”
“It should  be perfect”

……And…

I still don’t know why?

It is  A Journey of falling in love with “Profiling”!!

When Identity became not welcomed and preferred anymore!

When I resent every minute of my life of knowing nothing except losing things including myself!

Shocked my heart back to life
Haven't felt this good in a while
There's a feeling taking me over
I forgot this is happiness
I forgot how to breathe in deeply
I forgot how to consume these feelings
You're doing everything right
You're showing me everything is gonna be just fine

Check my vital signs
Look at me again in these eyes
Think my hearts beating
out of my chest
I could get used to this

Haven't even seen the best
Of you just yet
How can you be so perfect
Somehow I know
that you're worth it
How can you be so perfect
Somehow I know
That you're all that I need
You set my love free
You set my love free

Don't remember the last time
I've felt this happy
Don't remember the last time
I felt this comfortable with somebody
You bring a new meaning into my life
You're helping me see there are clearer skies
On the other side
You've been running through my mind
You've got a warm feeling so kind
Glad you came in at just the right time

Check my vital signs
Look at me again in these eyes
Think my hearts beating
out of my chest
I could get used to this

Haven't even seen the best
Of you just yet
How can you be so perfect
Somehow I know
that you're worth it
How can you be so perfect
Somehow I know
That you're all that I need
You set my love free
You set my love free

They say everything happens
for a reason
They say good things come to those who wait
I'm starting to believe what they say
You're making me believe more every day
Thought I was destined to be alone
Now I'm not so sure
Think I'm gonna let down these four walls
Just to let you in
Because I trust you with everything
So let me put my hand in yours
Bring you inside my world
Show you're the one and only girl

Check my vital signs
Look at me again in these eyes
Think my hearts beating
out of my chest
I could get used to this

Haven't even seen the best
Of you just yet
How can you be so perfect
Somehow I know
that you're worth it
How can you be so perfect
Somehow I know
That you're all that I need
You set my love free
You set my love free.

©2017 Written By Benji James

unnamed 3d

Home is an idea;
feeling.
House is a noun;
thing.

I haven't had home in a while.
I've had a house.
Four walls, a roof,
windows, doors,
but not home.

The feeling of home evades me.
I seek and cannot find.
I dream of home,
or what it was.

Home is an idea;
feeling.
Home is a fire;
ash.

natalie 3d

you've gone away,
to a kingdom unseen,
blessed be.

i hope you feel at peace,
and even though i miss you,
you will feel better where you are now.

you are not exposed to the cruel world,
you will be exposed to doves and angels.

rest in peace buddy. 6/18/17

Gasping for air
As the water fills my lungs
I can see your penetrating stare
As I listen to the songs the water has sung
The melody is not comforting
I can only remember your face
Your presence leaves me wondering
Of all the space
Filled with water
That's leaves me quarantined from you
I am a victim of your slaughter
There was nothing I could do

My eyes don’t glow by gold,
They glitter through purpose.

Money won’t drive self-ambition,
Reason motivates my engine.

Desires to succeed ignites a mission,
Starting a campaign to win success.

By staying honorable to the quest,
Coins can’t purchase my loyalty.

Cause will always be my intent in life,
Not artificial happiness that’s printed.

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