MY HEART BECOMES LIIKE WASHING MACHINE
AS EMOTIONS BECOME THE LIQUID FROM MY TEARS.
EXPERIENCES IN DAY BECOME THE SOAP THAT
BUBBLES UP CATAPULTING ME INTO FEELINGS STRONG.
RELEASE I DO, HOPING TO CLEANSE MY SOUL.
HOPING TO PURIFY SELF TO MOVE FREE.
I spend much of my life
within the confines of my mind
Some days I am unsure
Whether I am dead or Alive
But the medication that I cling to
removes the existential fear
and allows my thoughts to relax
yet, it also seems to suppress my wonder
Without the pills,
I can intently watch myself write
As each stroke of my small wrist
Leaves grey stains across the blank page
With them, I can feel happiness
I can detach myself from life's pain
and realize my distractions
instead of permitting them to anchor my heart
But with my medicine I cannot create
not in the ways I wish to
They build a border between substance and surface
while it blocks out the depression
it also limits my humanity
Yet, if I were to quit taking them
the darkness would return to haunt my world
strangling my limbs, until I have no will to fight
or even to move for that matter
Without them, I can expend myself
in this art that has kept my heart beating
My emotions can freely guide my movements
in the hopes of creating something beautiful
But those pills have also saved my life
and yet, they have a dark side too
The anxiety they breed produce
such a significant strain on my actions
that I can't tell if I'm truly living
So as I sit in this barren hallway
listening to the echoes that disrupt the silence
I wonder whether my temporary refrain from my "lifelines"
will lead to my success or my demise.
I enter the garden
full of rose bushes.
I walked in deeper
the impeccable beauty
the stone walls
of the garden.
Everything was majestic.
But I also witnessed
to the garden's dismay,
the rise of thorns and pests.
Of beauty turning into
I pricked my fingers,
But didn't left.
Instead, I took delight
on the pain.
I let my blood trail me,
letting them know
where I was moving.
That was the cowardly thing
I have ever done.
A commitment I didn't
I didn't know how high
the stakes are.
There is no turning back,
but only to wipe
my blood hands clean.
Sucking finger by finger
like a demon sprung
from the beauty of the garden.
far as my gut tells me,
the heart of the garden.
My arms are dressed
in thick jagged scars,
ozzing with fresh blood,
the nails of my nemesis.
And as I reached the heart,
I screamed a battle cry
and took her by the hair,
and slowly dug my nails
into her throat,
spilling the blood
that matched equally
We are even,
and as she burns in hell,
I rule it.
Conflicts explode into intolerable scenarios,
Inciting a need for any solution.
Each time justice goes unserved,
We tend to generate vengeance as a remedy.
Whenever life becomes too unbearable,
We can experiment with artificial happiness.
Struggles in the real world are brutal,
But we can’t fix harm by causing harm.
Battling confrontation requires reasoning,
Using logic to conquer unwanted circumstances.
Do you ever wonder about the stone that was first tossed,
that left the shards and fragments,
and the wires all uncrossed?
Or do you count the seconds,
the painful ticks and tocks
until my chalkboard-scratching voice
stops hitting your ears like jagged rocks.
A soul with many places to go,
who would ever have the mind
to entertain the meltdown of a child locked in time?
I'm sorry that I came off appearing to be just fine,
A luscious blooming fruit
With the taste of a bitter lime.
Peace from all the madness,
That's what anyone would seek.
Peace from a childish, damaged, wild, shameful, unhinged freak.
Craving love but unable to normally express,
That all i ever wanted was a passionate caress
Instead the message blows away in gusts of words unspoken
Who would want to touch something
So sharp, coarse, and broken?
The world at my fingertips
But I choose to stay inside
Agoraphobic nature, and my instinct is to hide
Why should l expect anyone to sympathize or pity?
There are so many among us whose lives are far from pretty.
But everyone with a brain inside
Has some unspoken pain inside.
Mine reenacts the shame inside;
A torturous symphony.
I can't expect you to understand
I know you're sick and tired
You deserve to be a king and rule your own empire.
Unbound by restrictive wires
and diminishing desires
But before the sight of me causes you to roll your eyes and sigh,
I hope you will consider a bit more than meets the eye.
I may be broken fragments now,
but I hold onto a shred of hope
that one day my shattered glass
will make a great kaleidoscope
I hope in the end you decide not to cut the rope.
I don't know what it is or how to find it
Your eyes and your heart make me carelessly free-fall
Your soul igniting my soul, sets me alight in hot flames
There's no warning, no caution, no harness for protection from falling
I enjoy the phantom aches and pains
Can I love with my eyes alone
Can I love what I'll never know
It's simply and effortlessly just you, a complete creation, a package brimming and spilling with sweet alluring scents
Drunk are my senses, but drunk I'm happy to be
It's the only way I feel you, right next to me